So, I’ve been promising to do this blog for a few days, but… I’ve been distracted, and honestly, I just wasn’t ready to expose the depth of my Crazy. Consider this me stripping naked and streaking through the forum.
First off, I am not Luciferian. I am not a Satanist. If I had to label myself as anything, it would be something along the lines of Eclectic THINGIE. Sometimes I use the words Shaman, Druid, Celtic, Faerie, Witch, Hedgewitch, Family Traditional Reconstructionist – but they’re all really the same thing. I’m a hodgepodge of What Works For Me. Most of what I do is low magick, because honestly when I tried to learn Ceremonial Magick the traditional way, I literally blew holes in things every time I did even something as basic as the LBRP. I have since learned to compensate, and begun to incorporate High Magick into SOME of my practice, but still, the majority of what I do when I need to Cast is: determine whether an object is necessary or not, if so, grab what I have available (this may include items that anyone else would consider totally inappropriate, but when I’m Flying, I grab random herbs and stones and anything else that strikes my fancy because it simply FEELS right at that time) and go… or if an object is not necessary, I simply… Tell the Universe what I want, how I want it, and weave it in, adding power until it stabilizes. If I’m not Casting, but instead dealing with the Other side of reality, the entities and spirits beyond our physical senses, I go to Them. It’s VERY rare I cast a circle, do an invocation or evocation, and have them come here.
I work with almost Anyone… I’m very egalitarian and open-minded. My current Patrons include Hades, Minerva, Re, Poseidon, and the Morrigan. I also work with Danu and her Horned Consort. I occasionally work with Angels, and sometimes Luce. I’ve run errands for both sides of this idiot war, but I continue to try to be neutral. That’s not always easy, but I try.
Lastly… I’m humanish here. I have enough weird stuff in my human ancestry that I cannot claim to be completely human… but then, I don’t think many of us can. However, on the other side, I’m not human at ALL. On the other side, I’m many things… some of them at odds with others.
I am an Unweaver – if I don’t hold it buttoned up at all times, my very presence can make things come apart at the seams, down to the energetic quarks… and beyond… until they never were. I’m not sure why Unweavers exist. Luce once said that it’s possible for me to be both creation AND destruction, and that my Healing abilities were the beginning of the expression of this form of Duality, but I’ve yet to see much evidence of it. The one time I unwove something and had to reweave it later, it took nearly a month to reweave it, and the entire month I had constant headaches, was sick all the time, hungry all the time, exhausted all the time, and clearly I’m not ready to express that aspect of myself YET. However, that WAS before my rebirth.
I am also Sidhe. Enough to have my own Sithen within Faery. I told you I was Crazy. I have golden skin, jet black eyes, long, dark, wavy hair, claws in my hands that are so long that they actually attach internally to tendons in my elbows, silver teeth that are ALL pointed and venomous (the venom is also in my claws), and upon occasion, I have dragonfly wings. I don’t get the wings, personally… they’re mostly useless, and they crumple and damage easily, so usually I keep them glamoured as a tattoo on my back. They’re large enough that the tattoo goes down to my calves and extends over my shoulders and down my breasts. I also have a battle shriek that can melt walls.
Lastly, several years ago, I traded “essences” with an Ubi astrally, because It was dying and I rather thought at the time that It was worth saving. So, despite the fact that I show no outward characteristics, I have their Hunger…. and sometimes I have a tail. Sometimes I don’t.
There are some other weird things that I have to briefly touch on, at least, so that some of what I mention below makes more sense as well… For one, I experienced a type of death in June which altered me to the current form I’ve described above, astrally. One of the side-effects of that death was a new Hunger. I now feed on shadows, grief, darkness, pain, basically ICK, and transmute it into Light, healing, serenity, and give it back. Think of it like a salt-bath for the psyche. I can eat just about anything on the dark end of the scale, and what I exude will be on the light end. Lately I’ve been eating the negativity from the Earth’s aura around my town. It keeps my chest from burning with The Hunger, and seems to have made the crime rate drop a tiny bit. That could, though, be because of the vast amounts of rain, so… whatever. Anyway… it won’t last. I’m Duality, and eventually, the Earth’s aura and humankind (if we survive that long) will be polarized in the opposite direction, and so I’ll become a light-eating blackness instead. The whole scale is lunch… and I adjust according to the largest supply of food.
As I said, Crazy. But now that we’ve gotten that out of the way… here’s what I was ACTUALLY wanting to write about – the business of CHOOSING SIDES. Please keep in mind I’m explaining the following concepts within my own spiritual constructs, because it’s how I understand it best. I know that Terror, at least, is not religious at all, and so this construct may not work for her, but it will AT LEAST explain the concepts beneath the painted story.
And it IS a STORY… one with, naturally, two sides.
Here is the way I see it – and I don’t expect you to see it my way. I don’t ask that you follow along. THAT is YOUR Choice. The way I see it may NOT be the way you see it, and I’m completely OK with that… this world would be REALLY BORING if everyone had the same ideas about reality, good, evil, choices, gods, etc. I’m not asking you to believe. I’m not even asking you to understand. I’m not asking for your acceptance. I’m simply expressing What I Have Seen. Please keep in mind that, Over There, NOTHING IS AS IT SEEMS. EVER.
There is a God with Two Faces. He’s a bit… Schizophrenic, to be honest… full on DPD. They used to call it MPD.
One Face is usually called Yaweh, Jehovah, Allah, God by Christians, sometimes Jesus, though I think He’s someone else entirely – but as I said, things are NEVER what they seem to be.
The other Face is called Lucifer by almost everyone. Sometimes they call Him Devil, Satan, Adversary, Enkil. Call Him what you will. It matters not.
They represent two opposing ideas, which present humans with a Choice. And NO… it is NOT a choice between good and evil.
It is a choice between being awake, and truly LIVING, the choice to CHOOSE, for better or worse, for good or for ill, and be totally responsible for ALL your choices… or to sleep, to be a zombie, to let others make your choices for you, to let someone else be responsible for whether you do good or ill.
It is NOT a choice between Healing and Harming. It is a choice between Living and Dying. And we are presented this choice over and over throughout our lives. Some presentations are… merely more memorable than others. Or more obvious and traumatic. However you wish to see it.
Angels and Demons, and this Schizophrenic Deity (Whom you may or may not Choose to see as One Being or Two, depending on your own comfort levels), serve the purpose of posing the tests required to give you those choices.
Allow me to explain, before you get totally lost.
When a demon attacks you… yes, it’s hell, yes it’s icky, and scary, and painful, and awful, and negative. Yes, by all experiences and accounts, it is HORRID. I should know. I’ve been attacked… four times now. BUT. Every time I’ve been attacked… I have grown from it. I have become stronger, wiser, more cautious. I have LEARNED. It’s not an easy way to go, this pruning process. In fact, to be honest, it burns like a son-of-a-bitch. Most people look at demons and just flat out go EEK, and run away… Frankly, if I can avoid them, so do I… because while I recognize their necessity… it’s still horrible to have parts of yourself peeled away and pruned down, shredded until you become something else… but I cannot deny their effectiveness at what they do. I cannot deny that in spite of the ICK of my experiences with them… each time I have come out stronger, better, for it.
Angels… angels are also necessary. Just as demons exist to wake you up, Angels exist to help you stay asleep, to keep you safe in your beds, and to test you to see if you REALLY WANT to wake up. Sometimes, being tested can be quite… brutal.
Just because it looks and smells and feels like a demon doesn’t mean its evil.
Just because it looks and feels like an angel doesn’t make it good.
In fact… good and evil have NOTHING to do with it.
However… here’s the rub. If you stay asleep, you will be nothing more than a tool. If you wake up, you will also be a tool, but at least you will KNOW you are a tool. If you sleep, and you do good, you do good most likely because it’s expected of you, demanded of you. If you do evil, it’s because you’re asleep and therefore you are Influenced to do so. If you are AWAKE, you have a CHOICE… it’s not MUCH of a Choice, but it is STILL a choice. You can choose to Heal, or you can choose to Harm.
Although not everyone will see what you are doing as healing, or harmful, at the time – and if you choose to be awake, for good or ill, you will have to understand that, and learn not to judge yourself by other people’s eyes in the moment, but by the end result, which you may, or may not ever, get to see. Some of the most moral decisions of my life have done the most harm. And some of the cruelest things I have ever done have eventually led to the rebirth of a person as a whole, healed being. Sometimes you have to rip someone’s skin off and remove their limbs in order to get at the damage underneath – and sometimes being nice just helps someone stay sick, at heart, and in their soul. I’m not saying it’s pleasant work, but it’s still a truth.
I’m not going to post everything that’s happened to me. I’m not going to post about the demonic attacks I’ve experienced. However, I WILL post links to both the Angelic attack I experienced almost a year before my spiritual death this past June, and the Conversation I had with Luce a month after my rebirth. You may think what you will of these experiences.
I will tell you, finally, that last night, I made a final choice. That fiery pit that I described in the throne-room… it is not HIS grief… it is OURS. Every coal, every tongue of flame, every bubble of lava, every ounce and inch of it, is ours. WE made that.
I went back, last night, knowing this. Knowing that, as someone who’s weird as snakes eggs and eats darkness and shits light in its place, there was a chance that something could be changed.
I did a VERY long reading, and the end result was, if I’m not doing it for Luce, and I’m not choosing to stay asleep, then I can eat the pit, and give everyone who’s added to it a Choice to be free, and KEEP my neutrality.
I can lessen the Grief, just a little bit, for US. And really… when you get down to brass tacks… that’s the side I’m honestly on. I’m not on the side of light, or dark. I’m duality. I’m neutral. I’m not on the side of good or evil. Sometimes life needs a bit of both. I’m not on the side of the sleepers or the awake. I’m not on Luce’s side, although I get his point… and I’m CERTAINLY not on Yaweh’s side, because frankly he’s an ass who’s screwed me over one too many times. I get why Angels and Demons exist. But I don’t have to like either, and I don’t.
I’ll stick with my own Gods… but I’m here for the people. The dreamers AND the wide-awake. For good or ill. May I continue to be a Healer so long as I exist… no matter what it takes.
So… I went back to His throne-room… and I walked into that pit… and I drank, and drank, and drank. I don’t think I got it all. I don’t think it’s possible to do so. But… I did what I could. Whether the people who were drowning in their own grief choose to take the chance to break out of that rut or not is up to them… but at least I tried.
Afterwards, we talked. We talked all night long. Nothing serious, just light conversation. I don’t remember what it was about.
I do remember that I woke up absolutely exhausted. ‘
A final comment. We live in a Universe where Duality is necessary. Up and Down, Black and White, Good and Evil, Chaos and Order, Creation and Destruction, Love and Control, Life and Death, are all tied to each other, and are actually, at their roots, expressions of each other. Think of it like the Wu-ji symbol (Yin-Yang, if I’ve lost you) – the image is fluid… light rises up and overtakes black, black rises up and overtakes white, and always, always, in the fluid give and take, there is Balance… but even Balance is not totally possible.
If chaos won over order, the Multiverse would fly apart. If Order won over Chaos, the Multiverse would STOP MOVING AT ALL. If good won over evil, there would be no more choices. If Choice ended, there would be no more Game…. and whether you like it or not, we are Source, board, and playing a Game with itself in the darkness, and the Game must go on. There is a fragile balance at play here… a tilting, swaying, gently playing balance, between Fate and Free Will, that allows that Game to continue. JUST ENOUGH WIGGLE ROOM to prevent the Game from blowing up in Our Face, or Freezing up on Us.
If you ever wanted to know the great secret of the Multiverse… there it sits in a nutshell.
The Craziest Kitty You’ll Ever Meet.