DREAM 1 (Monday Morning, November 26, 2012)
I was living in some hotel that was a mountain style hunting lodge place… and the owner came buy and took all my stuff… emptied the hotel suite of everything I’d worked my entire LIFE to fill it with, stuff I NEEDED – you know, like… places to sit, dishes, that kind of thing. He took EVERYTHING. And then he got all pissed at me because I found a wall in the room that had… those divot buttons you find in couches… and in the buttons, I found a wrought iron fire poker set, and realized that the house had better stuff than what the guy took away, hidden inside it, and that the house was going to give those things to me, instead of anyone else who’d ever lived there, because I actually deserved the stuff, and it liked me.
But the dream felt like… this is something coming… first there will be a loss. Then there will be a regaining, a gift, that surpasses in quality that which was lost.
All of these dreams say I’m going to lose something. That I have to give up something. The second dream, where I’m washing dishes (see below)… I had to give up my time, my self, my needs, everything about ME… to help clean up the messes of other people… and I’m not OK with that…
Every dream shows someone outside of me taking from me, in some way.
These aren’t good comments about my life right now.
DREAMS 2 & 3 (Tuesday Morning, November 27, 2012)
Last night was… a busy night. And a weird one.
Before I went to bed, I was talking to May on the phone, and we were discussing where I fit, what I am. I wanted… what everyone wants… a definition for where I should be going. Yeah, I’m off the beaten path (can’t you tell? ) but… while everyone else is headed up the mountain via straight paths or crooked ones, easy ones or hard ones, gravity and dimensions seem to have stopped applying to me altogether, so that most days, not only can I not see a path (because there ISN’T one for what I’m doing) but also, I can’t tell which way is up, or even if there’s a mountain at all. Planes shift under my feet, and what once was steep has become flat, and what once was flat has become an inverted incline, impossible to climb. In this constant shifting psychic landscape, I am… at a loss most days… I am without a Name.
Not that I want a NAME, because given what I am and where I’m supposed to be going, that would probably be bad, but… well… it would be nice to at least know wtf I AM… You know… just as a hint. A compass point. Something.
So… I went to bed, and this is what I dreamed, and what it meant.
The first dream, I found myself in a diner/cafe kitchen, washing dishes. Washing dishes in a dream usually means the clearing away of old troubles. The fact that I’m washing other people’s dishes is symbolic of my purpose in this life – I help other people clear their troubles, so that they can move forwards. In the dream, I finished washing all the dishes in the kitchen, and went out into the main dining room, where my boss (a woman – but I think more representative of how I feel about the Source, the Multiverse, and It’s role in my life as my Leader, my Boss – which is, obviously, not an easy relationship I appreciate or enjoy…) showed me all the bussing tubs FULL of dirty dishes, and all the tables and counters COVERED in dishes, and scolded me for thinking the job was done. I remember looking at all those dirty dishes, and wondering how on EARTH I was EVER going to get all that mess cleaned up. She insisted I go back into the kitchen, and told me that the tubs would be sent to me. I went back into the kitchen, feeling overwhelmed, and quite upset, and honestly hard-used. In the kitchen I had left spotless was a MESS – everywhere more tubs. I started washing dishes again.
A very pregnant girl showed up. I remember she had black, shoulder-length hair. She was throwing up. I cleaned up the mess, and gave her some tips to help with the nausea. She told me, “At least I’m only doing this once.” I looked at her, and said, “Are you kidding? Where there’s one, there’s always more.” She says to me, “He said he can’t have children.” I looked at her like she was an idiot and said, “Well, clearly THAT’S not true.” She gives me this OMFG WHAT DO I DO look. I shrug, knowing she married him, and she’d better learn how to be pregnant. I go back to washing dishes.
Loki showed up, and he pushed me up against the sink counter. He lifted my skirt. He reached inside me… and… I knew what I was. It was like… back before my transformation, when the feline shapeshifter genes still had SOME power over me, even though the fae genes were the more numerous… it was like he reached into the past and… I felt that past come alive… being in Heat came back to me… I was Fae, fully Sidhe, but still in Heat… the beast in me BURNING… and his hand inside me felt… DIVINE… NEEEEEED made my body press itself upwards towards him…
I woke, knowing… despite all the changes… I am still the dishwasher of other people’s dirty lives. I am still Fae, and I am still a beast. The hunger that once was Heat has become Ubi… but that doesn’t matter, because the overarching self is Sidhe.
More people should have that particular god reach inside them like that. rofl
The second dream, there are two bedrooms. One belongs to my sister, and one to my parents. They’re both filthy, dark, laundry everywhere, the beds not made up, dust covering everything. Filthy. They made the messes, but they’re demanding that I be the one to clean up the rooms.
I woke up from this one understanding that this was a description of my relationships with them. They are the reason my relationships with them are so mired in negativity, so cluttered, so… messy, emotionally… but they expect ME to be the one to clean it all up. Only, in the dream, I refused. It’s not my fault their rooms are filthy and I am NOT their slave any longer. They made the mess… I don’t mind HELPING clean it up – I’d LIKE our relationships to be cleaner… but I’m not going to do all the work for them. They need to put some effort into it, too.
Today… I woke up wiser than I was yesterday. Thank you, Mercury, for going direct. Thank you, Gemini Full Moon, for bringing wisdom. Thank you, eclipse, for exposing that which is hidden. And thank you, Loki, for showing me that I am still ME, despite everything.
Dream 4 (Wednesday, November 28, 2012)
This… is getting… a bit ridiculous.
Look, brain, I KNOW I have inadequacy issues. I KNOW I have an inferiority complex. I KNOW I have insecurities, trust issues, and a whole lot of fear of failure going on, here. I GET IT. I get that no matter how big I am, I’m still small. TRUST ME… I GET IT. Stop shoving it in my face. I know that I’m overwhelmed, under-educated, and all around, just not good enough.
I’m totally aware of that.
So stop telling me that I’m going to fail to make this Transition. I ALREADY KNOW THIS. F off. Seriously. STFU.
One more dream about my low self-esteem and I’m going to attempt to remove you with a drill.
I’m hired on to a water park. This nice blond chick who’s seriously type-A and bouncy as a freaking cheerleader who just got laid behind the bleachers by her hero-jock most-popular football star of a boyfriend is giving me “the Tour.” Apparently they have a really, really high turnover rate. She keeps reassuring me that I’m SURE to be one of the ones they keep, but I KNOW, ABSOLUTELY, that I’m going to be fired within three weeks. As we’re wandering along the concrete paths, we come across some poor guy hiding behind a wall and some bushes, busily painting the tips of a silver fox black with a magic marker. They explain to me that the guests don’t know that the foxes aren’t wild, and that silvering is a sign of them being bred in captivity, so the bosses have decided to hide the fact, and have set this poor guy the unenviable task of blacking the silver tips of every fox in the park. WHY there are foxes in the park, I have NO idea. My brain is just random like that.
Anyway, everyone who works there has these GIANT plastic mugs with the bendy wrinkled straws in them – you know, those ones you can get at gas stations and Walmart in the summer, that carry like, a gallon of soda or tea? But I just started, so I don’t have one. So my hyper type-A, cheerful-at-a-funeral blond bimbo guide decides to take me to the main office to get me one. Because everyone who works there has to have one, because we’re out in the sun, all day, and the danger of dehydration is pretty drastic, so it’s required. (Side note – when I woke up, I drank half a 32 oz. bottle of gatorade… I must have been really thirsty for it to bleed through into the dream…)
Anyway, we go up to the main office, and it’s this big round, glass-encased cement monster tower – you walk inside the bottom, and go up stairs to the next level and it’s all glass, so that the bosses can keep an eye on the whole park, like an airport control tower, only lower to the ground and larger and cement instead of steel. Orange cement. Everywhere. I think if I ever see that color of stucco ever again I’m going to retch on it for flavor. BLAH.
So we’re in the main office, and they ask my guide if I’ve got a sleeping bag, too… We both explain that I just started today, and I didn’t know I needed one, so… the bosses send us upstairs to borrow a temporary sleeping bag and get a company plastic sippymug.
We head upstairs, and it’s dark there… no windows… sleeping bags full of people everywhere… apparently some people work so often, like the main boss, that they just… sleep on site. I come off the top stair and try to step around the man sleeping in the sleepingbag closest to the stairs, and step on him twice… he gets really irritated with me, and I apologize, and then I realize, this guy is the Head Boss… and… I really, really, cannot possibly, having already managed to piss off the head boss by my clumsiness, make it here. I am SO going to be fired in three weeks… I was totally right.
Anyway, we stumble around, trying to find a spare sleeping bag, while one of the nicer employees who isn’t grumpy or sleeping tries to help…
And then I wake up.
So there you go… all my progress…. all my efforts… everything… for nothing.
Three weeks from now… I’m going to be one of the ones who fails.
Dream 5 (Thursday, November 29th, 2012)
Had another two dreams last night. Same theme – that something is taken away, and then somehow I find something that’s invisible to everyone else being given back to me. This time, it was visible to me at first, and then invisible until I was using it, and it was going to take me some place. This sort of suggests that whatever I’m going to gain is going to be non-physical, and something that is adaptive.
I don’t remember the first dream, because I woke up and then immediately fell back asleep to have the second dream. The second dream, there was a family – husband, wife, two kids (boy and girl) – they were a vampire and a werewolf couple, only I don’t remember who was what, and it doesn’t really matter. Sometimes I was the daughter, sometimes I was the wife, sometimes the husband, sometimes I was in the Observer position.
The family was captured by scientists – they came to the village and took everyone, pretending they were there to help, but really they just wanted to experiment on us because we were different. When we were in the lab complex, the father began to plot ways to get us out. He made friends with the security guards, and with people in the town outside the lab complex – I don’t know how.
Anyway, in the dream, someone, during the night time delivery of supplies to the complex, drove an RV that was invisible to the police and the scientists into one of the loading dock garages. As the mother, I could see the RV when it was being driven in, and I was surprised that no one else could see it… Then I was the daughter, and I was told to check to make sure that everyone was ignorant, so I wandered past the guards and people bringing supplies into the complex, and saw that my mother had set four kittens who were actually shifter cubs to watch a guard. Several other people were being watched, too. We were safe.
My father handed me the keys and told me to go into the RV. He said, you won’t be able to see it, until you’re inside, but you’ll be safe there. Wait for us, and then we’ll leave, we’ll get away from here, and we’ll be safe. We’ll go up the mountain to Grandma’s place, where no one will find us, ever again.
So… I went into the loading dock, only now, the RV was invisible. I walked to where I was fairly sure the side door was, and felt around until I found it. I felt around for the lock, and fumbled the keys into the lock, and climbed inside. It had two bedrooms – one for Mother and Father, one for Grandma, and two convertible beds in the living area for my brother and I. Other than the second bedroom, it was just a typical RV.
The next scene, we’re all in the RV, heading up the mountain, off to see Grandma, invisible to everyone, and I’m wondering how difficult traffic will be to handle.
Oh… and this whole dream was set at night.
Dream 6 (Friday, November 30, 2012)
Yet ANOTHER dream. OMFG. I GET IT ALREADY! I’m going to stop doing what I do, be fired, whatever. I’m going to lose stuff. It’s going to be replaced. I’ll still be cleaning up other people’s messes. Everyone else gets to move forward, but I’m going to get left behind, because I’m just another freaking Cleaner. (#)%&Q#)%&)(W$#Q
On to the dream.
We’re wolves. We all look human-shaped, but we are wolves. Not shifters. Wolves. I’m the nanny/maid for the children of the house. Everyone is getting into really nice gowns and suits, lovely jewelry, putting up their hair – they’re going to a party. I’m trying to get ready, but everyone leaves without me because I’m too slow.
There’s some kind of material threaded through one of my shoes. It rustles. I have to get rid of it, because there’s someone in the house, hunting me – they want to capture me, study me. They know I got left behind. I try to walk the material out of my shoe, but that doesn’t work. I stop in a doorway, and unravel the threads tying the rustling material to my shoe, and then look for a place to hide. There isn’t really a place, but before I can even choose between trying another room or hiding in the closet, the dream changes.
The person has left the house. I hear a car drive up… I rush outside, and there are more wolves in a car – an asian family, one kid, a father, and a mother. They have two extra seats in their car, but the seats are folded down for no reason that I can tell. I ask if I can go to the party with them, and the father says, “If we have room.” I go to get my shoes, and I hear a squeal of tires. I turn to see them taking off… I run after them, waving at the husband, saying, “But you DO have room!” They drive away anyway, sneering at me, because I’m not good enough to go to the party.
I go back into the house. The security people meet me. Someone really was in the house. They left a bug in the attic. The team is having difficulty removing it. I have to take care of it. On our way towards the attic, we pass through the room with the electrical box. They show me all the other bugs they’ve found over the years, all embedded in the wall, next to the electrical box, where their conflicting vibratory signals, and the electrical vibration from the box, will all interfere with each other, and so no one will get anything but high-pitched squeals. Ingenious. I complement them after they explain, although when I first see all the bugs, I freak a little.
We start to go towards the room with the stairs into the attic, to go get the bug out of the ceiling up there and do the same with it, but I wake up.
I’M SERIOUSLY GETTING TIRED OF THIS. HOW MANY WAYS CAN YOU PEOPLE SAY THE SAME FREAKING THING BEFORE I CAN FIND YOU AND HIT YOU. REALLY. I GET IT. NOW STFU. I’M UPSET ENOUGH OVER THIS S#IT DEAL ALREADY. I ALREADY SAID, “Fine, I’ll stay and clean up the messes. Whatever.” WHY DO YOU KEEP TORMENTING ME WITH IT! LEAVE ME ALONE ALREADY!
Just… leave me with my dead. Leave me with my grief. STFU and go away. I’ve had enough.