So… yesterday I had a doctor’s appointment, to get refills on all my anti-seizure, anti-nausea, and anti-insomnia medications.
I’ve had a rough month.
First, my pharmacy changed the brand of BOTH of my anti-seizure medications, so that the QR tablet I take at night looked like the ER one I usually take twice a day, and the ER one looked different too. Needless to say, I got them mixed up, and was taking the QR one twice a day, and the ER one at bedtime.
This did not end well… I figured it out after about 2 weeks, but then I ended up having some serious issues.
Not only that, but the absolute TERROR I feel about spending two weeks alone with my family has been building steadily over the last two months, since I made the decision to go up there in SPITE of the lack of transportation options available to me. And… because I’d never really sat my soon-to-be husband down and really told him WHY my parents are evil and not to be trusted, WHY they terrify me so much, his only opinions of them have all been formed by their really excellent acting skills… and because I was SO enjoying the illusion, I let them lie to him.
However… my ethics stood up and started beating a drumbeat to the tune of “This is going to bite you both in the ass, and if they turn on you both when he’s not prepared, you’re going to lose him, you need to tell him the truth…” but because I WAS enjoying the illusion so much, and so was he… I was torn for a long time about telling him the whole truth, so help me Goddess…
And honestly, there are things that happened when I was a child that… frankly… I forgot. Deliberately. Thankfully. And blamed my symptoms on other things, because I truly had forgotten.
Until Sunday, when Maythen reminded me… and it all came crashing back…
And I realized I had to tell him.
So… Monday I told him…
And yesterday I told my doctor. Everything.
And then… I said quite bluntly that… I’m tired of this cycle of avoidance and getting through these emotional disasters by the skin of my teeth just by gritting them and bearing it… that I needed to learn some coping skills, because hiding in the closet to cry just isn’t good enough, and I’m tired of having my relationships fail because I don’t know how to talk to people about my ugly past, and I don’t know how not to treat them like they’re going to act like a character from that past.
My husband is NOT my father or my mother. He isn’t going to turn on me when I tell him what my family’s done to me. Instead, he got all weepy and huggy, and has promised to watch out for us both and be more cautious, less trusting. He’s been very supportive…
But instead of experiencing an Emotional Validation moment, what I actually experienced was a conditioned response – He validated what I was saying, and I immediately went into “waiting for the other shoe to drop” mode… because sometimes my parents are nice to me for weeks, months… even YEARS before they suddenly strike and tear everything in my world apart.
And I do mean everything.
I’ve never been able to understand how two people can have so much power over another adult. It boggles my mind.
But anyway… yesterday, I told my doctor… I’m tired of this. I need help. I want a therapist. I don’t want to keep this cycle going anymore.
And… last night (you’re going to laugh) I accidentally slept with my Lazy Orb again. And an unbound male entity – he says he’s not a god, not an angel of any kind, not a demon, not a djinn, not a faery or sidhe, not a were or a vampire, not a nympho, and I’ve quite honestly run out of humanoids to ask about, but he’s not a spirit, and he’s also not a guide or ancestor or anything like that – showed up and we did therapy. All night long.
I woke up, needless to say.. EXHAUSTED.
And we’re going to do this again.
Ask and ye shall receive. WTF
Oh, and he’s Unbound, and doesn’t really show any interests in changing that. But that’s fine with me. I WOULD like to know what he IS though… you know… for purely kittenish reasons… Curiosity and all…
So… that’s last night’s work. *sigh*