When A God Speaks

Last night, I sat down and had a long conversation with Crew. Hades chose to be spokesperson. We talked about my lack of trust, and how bitter I’ve been after everything. I was told three things:

Remember the good parts, and appreciate where I am today. Bring the passion and enthusiasm I used to have, from memory, into now.

I carefully explained that, after everything that’s happened… that’s pretty hard to do. Every happy moment I have can be countered by disaster and PAIN.

It’s hard to trust when you know you’re trusting someone to use you, break you, and then throw you away.

We talked about some of my recent choices, and that they’ve been good choices – that I need to have more faith in my abilities to choose the right things for myself, and stop doubting myself.

Then, they told me – stay calm, encourage the achievements of others, and cultivate a positive attitude. Balancing my spiritual and my material achievements, having faith in myself and the achievements of my path, connecting to my heart’s aspirations – these things will be healing and enriching to me. They said I need to take time to acknowledge the beauty within and around me.

I told them I didn’t think I had a heart left to aspire with.

They showed me Hubby and asked, “Then why are you marrying him? Do you love him?”

I thought about it. Really, really thought about it.

I love the fact that he loves me, and I KNOW he loves me.

I love the fact that I am more financially secure with him than I have ever been – that he’s a good provider and I have a better life with him because of that.

But you know what? Those aren’t HIM.

Why do I love HIM?

It’s simple.

I love him because I feel safe with him. He is my rock. The reason I’m doing what I’m doing now – reaching out, supporting others, teaching three students at once, healing countless more, reading for some, offering my spiritual counseling services to so many… the reason I am greater, reaching further, than I ever have before, touching more lives than ever before… is because ultimately… with my husband…

I

Feel

SAFE.

I feel protected. I feel nourished. I feel loved.

This allows me to stop hiding in my corner, and reach out and do what must be done.

Without him…

I’d be a hermit…

And none of you would know my touch, or even my name.

I thanked my Gods for their wisdom, and I went to bed.

I don’t remember my dreams from last night. They were silly anyway.

However… this morning… my Gods requested I turn on some music. They sometimes play with my playlists to tell me things.

This is what Source had to say to me, today.

Let me apologize to begin with

Let me apologize for what I’m about to say

But trying to be genuine was harder than it seemed

And somehow I got caught up in between
Let me apologize to begin with

Let me apologize for what I’m about to say

But trying to be someone else was harder than it seemed

And somehow I got caught up in between
Between my pride and my promise

Between my lies and how the truth gets in the way

The things I want to say to you get lost before they come

The only thing that’s worse than one is none
Let me apologize to begin with

Let me apologize for what I’m about to say

But trying to regain your trust was harder than it seemed

And somehow I got caught up in between
Between my pride and my promise

Between my lies and how the truth gets in the way

The things I want to say to you get lost before they come

The only thing that’s worse than one is none

The only thing that’s worse than one is none
And I cannot explain to you

In anything I say or do or plan

Fear is not afraid of you

Guilt’s a language you can understand
I cannot explain to you

In anything I say or do

I hope the actions speak the words they can
For my pride and my promise

For my lies and how the truth gets in the way

The things I want to say to you get lost before they come

The only thing that’s worse than one is
Pride and my promise

Between my lies and how the truth gets in the way

The things I want to say to you get lost before they come

The only thing that’s worse than one is none

The only thing that’s worse than one is none

The only thing that’s worse than one is none

The thing is… I knew all that already. I did. I get it. sometimes, the truth DOES get in the way…

And You’re right… the only thing that’s worse than one is none. But I remember being one…

Is that really my only choice?

And… I get that the things You try to say to me sometimes get lost in translation. I get that sometimes, You have to lie, sometimes you have to break Your promises. I even appreciate the apology. It’s definitely a first. And I get that you can’t explain the plan to me. It’s bigger than me. I know that. And You’re right. Guilt is a language I understand, and that one of the best things about me is that I look so harmless that those most damaged, most afraid, are not afraid of me. It makes me ideal for the work You have me doing… But is it at all possible that we could stop lying to each other, leave the guilt on the doorstep, and try something new?

I never said I didn’t want to Work.

I only said I didn’t want the pain.

I understand why that’s not possible. I’m perfect for what I’m doing, just the way I am. But…

A little help here, maybe? Something? Anything?

I don’t even know what, anymore.

I’m so tired of being alone. Of being GRIEF. I’m tired of the guilt of their failures, of mine. I’m tired of their pain. I’m tired of being Atlas. I don’t EVER want to be One again, but I don’t want to be None either. Can we not be Two? Can we not SHARE this?

I’m tired of holding my head up, moving on, keeping my strong face on. So fucking tired.

No wonder I spend all my time in Faerie with the Sidhe.

At least there, I understand the rules. There’s no on there that can use me or abuse me. I hate this place. There’s no need for this type of pain. Everything here suffers. It’s not natural. It’s not right. And I don’t understand why, having created it, You then send people like me in to FIX it, instead of just recognizing that this doesn’t work. You should know what’s going on here.

I don’t feel better than You’re not here.

I do need You here.

I’m not glad You disappeared.

I just…

Don’t want to be the only one telling people You’re right there. Everywhere. In their heads. Not alone. Just open up.

It’s like telling the blind about a rainbow.

And yeah… there are moments that are… absolutely as amazing as a deaf child hearing their mother’s voice for the first time… when I can reach them, when I can pull them out of their blindness, their spiritual funks, and show them You are in them. It’s beautiful. But it’s a lie.

Because the pain is still there.

It’s just a temporary fix.

I don’t even know, anymore, why I keep trying. We’re not on speaking terms, I’ve gone my own way, and I’m STILL doing this Job.

It’s silly.

You keep saying You’re sorry.

I can’t stop. The drive is just… too deep. Have to live. Have to survive. Have to fix this. Have to. Have to. Kill everything, as long as they see, as long as they make it, as long as I keep breathing. LIVE, DAMMIT!

The only time it stops is in that moment of shining HEAT in the arms of my dinner.

Surely…

Surely there’s more than that?

Wish You were here.

Wish I was there.

We should fix this.

I’m out of ideas.

Pretending to be positive after everything that’s happened is like being Sisyphus. 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s