On Not Deciding

Nyctophilia Raven

eh *shrugs* I have Empty Chairs at Empty Tables in my head. ANYthing at this point would be better than that.

Nycto…. you mean for musical chairs in your head?

So Real Nebula

Nobody at dinner?

It’s the words that are important. Not the voice, not the music. Just the words.

The cost of war: My friends, don’t ask what your sacrifice was for – empty chairs at empty tables where my friends will sing no more.
So tired of bad dreams.

Dude… Nycto

You are depressed?

Rae… I’m… not really anything today.

Just… very, very fucking tired.

Which is exactly the description of depressed

Kya

*hugs you*

Nyctophilia Raven

This dream I have.. over and over… just… for years. It keeps coming back to this.

Kya

Tell me about your dream

Nyctophilia Raven

As far back as I can remember, two repetitive dreams. In one, I’m leading a band of people along a cliff, towards a natural arch stone bridge. I am the only one who can get them where they need to be. Without me, they will all die. I take them across the bridge, towards a beautiful valley. There is a lion in the way. I throw myself at the lion. It kills me, but I take it with me. They go into the valley, and they live happily ever after. I’m left alone, dead, in the claws of the dead lion.

Nyctophilia Raven

The one time that dream changed, I was on the wrong side of the chasm, and couldn’t reach the cliff path to help them pass… they all died… and I perished in the desert unable to reach them. Pointless. I woke up and I knew… there wasn’t a choice.

The other dream…

Kya

Sounds like a martyr

Nyctophilia Raven

There is void above me. There is magma below. There is a knife across a chasm… bridging it. The blade upwards. I am naked, dancing on the blade… my feet cut to shreds, the blood holding me to the blade. I dance, desperate to keep my balance… to fall is to die, whether I fall up or down. I have to keep dancing, have to keep bleeding. It’s the only way to survive. There is no choice.

Nyctophilia Raven

Last night… The dream changed… I stopped dancing. I let the knife take me. I quit. I just… I’m so tired. So tired.

I don’t want this anymore. I can’t remember when I didn’t have those two dreams. I just want them to stop. I want to stop walking. I want to stop dancing. I want to stop bleeding.

So Real Nebula

So you want to relinquish?

Nyctophilia Raven

Every time I heal someone… I lose a piece of myself. I wake up the next day, and something is gone. I forget hours. Sometimes days. Conversations. Names. Faces. Friends. All gone.

What if… One day, I don’t remember my son? Or I forget the man beside me? What if one day, I look in the mirror… and I don’t know what a mirror is? Or who that person is there?

So Real Nebula

Sounds like a search is in order. You should not be losing to give

Nyctophilia Raven

He says it’s not a big deal. That it doesn’t bother him. That we can figure this out, that since it’s a magickal thing, there’s a solution that we can find ourselves… but I’ve been looking for that solution for 35 years. She says I haven’t tried everything, until I’ve worn a dead turkey on my head. They both say they’ll love me…

Nyctophilia Raven

But will I still love them, when I don’t know my sister and my husband, will I still love them?

Kya

Well that’s a keeper.

So Real Nebula

Indeed it is.

Kya

I think love transcends regardless

So Real Nebula

Have you thought of working on your neuro links?

It does – The mind forgets but the heart and soul remembers

Nyctophilia Raven

That’s the problem. My third eye flares every time I use it. I’m just… too fucking big for my physical energetic structure to cope. So every time I do ANYTHING meta – even if it’s just falling asleep and dreaming of the astral, it breaks things in my head.

So Real Nebula

Holy shizznit… I read something for a split second and couldn’t find it again moments after I read it, and wondered if I imagined it…. It said “her body couldn’t maintain the energy”

Nyctophilia Raven

That’s exactly the issue.

So Real Nebula

The thing is… our bodies are also energy. So, perhaps there is a way to make it sync more harmoniously?

Nyctophilia Raven

My body is breaking because I’m just too fucking big, and I channel too much of the Source. Source is too high a vibration, and the physical body too low a vibration. Source is literally SHAKING MY BRAIN APART… and it’s taking the rest of my system with it. My bones in my neck are already in trouble – thus the migraines… and my hips, another serious energy juncture. I’ve been getting more and more chest pains lately…

So Real Nebula

Can someone with a lower vibration work on you to balance afterward?

Do you have tuning forks? I know that sounds silly, but I have heard of people using them to balance the vibrations of the body.

Nyctophilia Raven

How many LHP technicians do you know of? Usually people who take the lower path take it exclusively and don’t do balance work… and most of them don’t do healing work, either. And I’d need a technician who could work on me probably daily…

Kya

I actually have a possible solution… Do you still want your connection with the Source?

Nyctophilia Raven

No, I don’t have tuning forks… you have to be trained to use them, and a set is over $300.

So Real Nebula

They are expensive, true

Nyctophilia Raven

Honestly? I don’t know what I want anymore.

So Real Nebula

There are some with adjustable bells for cheaper

Kya

Well… If you want I could sever you from it.

So Real Nebula

and youtubes on how to use them I imagine

Kyle Young

Another thing is the martyrdom that you have within is something too…

Nyctophilia Raven

Kya… I don’t know that that’s a good idea.

I don’t know the right way to go anymore. I just know that whatever I decide to to… will be wrong. So… I’m doing nothing. I’m deciding nothing.

So Real Nebula

I think controlling access and balancing afterward, however possible, would be good.

Nycto… I disagree with that line of thought – Whatever you do will be right, because it is what you have done

Nyctophilia Raven

Rae… you know me. I’m REALLY good at careful. I ground and center, cleanse and clear, balance, before I work on anyone… and the same after.

So Real Nebula

Yes, but perhaps really good at careful is *too* clean

Nyctophilia Raven

But… it’s not working. Balancing doesn’t work anymore. Disconnecting doesn’t work anymore.

It’s like a leaky faucet… all those years… and now… I just need new plumbing entirely.

So Real Nebula

You are living in an unbalanced and dirty low vibe world. Too high a vibe within it might make you disappear

Nyctophilia Raven

Rae… trust me, I know what I live in. This place SUCKS ASS. I’ve done my best not to be high vibration, but to be as neutral as possible.. but I don’t know how not to be what I am. I don’t know how to be something else.

So… I just… tried to let the power go. But… I am the power. I don’t know that that will work either.

So Real Nebula

You are stubborn… have I ever told you that?

Nyctophilia Raven

I’m fucked whatever I do. And everyone says I’m stubborn and obtuse. And blind because I know too much. Which is EVER so helpful.

Kya

Well the way I see it is the Source is causing you a huge problem and the martyrdom doesn’t help with it

So if you sever the connection between the two

etc etc

Nyctophilia Raven

I have no INTEREST in being a martyr, Kya. Seriously. But… dropping the Source is like dropping your SKIN.

Kya

Problem is is as you said, that you don’t know how to be anything else either.

So Real Nebula

Well, if you aren’t listening to them, then you are the one not being helpful. You have a problem. Every time you have a problem, you always give tons of reasons why not, but I don’t see you trying the turkey on your head

Kya

Yeah I figured that was the case.

So Real Nebula

I would drop the martyrdom only

Nyctophilia Raven

Thanks Rae. You’re right. I’ll go buy one right now, shall I? That’s BOUND to work.

Kya

I laughed.

So Real Nebula

Pics or it didn’t happen

Kya

The thing with this is it isn’t as easy as a turkey upon the head. It’s like amputating here.

Nyctophilia Raven

lol – Rae, you’re a cheerful lech.

Kya

And you don’t have the tools to sew back the amputation if things go awry

So Real Nebula

I am not trying to be rude, and I’m not saying I have the answers. What I am saying is that I want you to KEEP TRYING

Nyctophilia Raven

What happens to everything when Life stops wanting to keep things alive?

Kya

Death

Nyctophilia Raven

What happens when Life looks at everything and says, you know what, fuck this shit, this is SO not worth it, and walks away?

It’s not exactly something Life can DO.

So Real Nebula

That’s hope talking, not Life

Nyctophilia Raven

You’re not understanding.

So Real Nebula

Life is either there or not

It wouldn’t say fuck this shit. It perserveres

Nyctophilia Raven

For a while… it was worth it to help find people and make their lives better. Dig them out of the shit. For awhile, it was worth it to not help anyone but a very select few and instead mostly help myself. Now I don’t even want to do that.

Let’s talk about her for a minute.

You back her into a corner, and she will fuck your shit up, because she’s fine until you back her into a corner and then all hell breaks loose and everyone dies, but she lives. That’s all that matters to her, is that she keeps going.

And randomly, she finds strays. She takes them in, and she sometimes even has a bit of compassion, maybe some empathy, and she tries to teach them how to really, really live. They mostly don’t get it. They’re drowning in their own brokenness, and let’s face it, so is she. Because anything that is a force of life that kills that often is definitely BROKEN. After awhile… she doesn’t want to fight anymore. Not for them. Not for herself. She will if she’s pushed… but mostly… she just… wants to sleep. She doesn’t give a flying fuck anymore. How the FUCK do I get her back up again? Because I’m with her on this one.

Nyctophilia Raven

I’m tired of dancing on that blade. It fucking HURTS.

Gimp

it sounds like she and you need a break from that sometimes its good just to get away from yourself and figure out a different path

im not saying that what will happen

So Real Nebula

And there is no way to flip the blade so it hurts less?

Gimp

but it sounds like you need a vacation to get away from other peoples pain

So Real Nebula

No way to add material to the void, water to the lava?

Nyctophilia Raven

It’s not my knife, Rae. I don’t even know how I got there. I’ve been dreaming of that knife since I remember dreaming, and probably before I even knew what the word knife was. The cliff dreams started when I was 7 or 8. Always the same two dreams… but the knife was first.

So Real Nebula

No way to close the lion’s mouth? To trims his claws?

Can you become lucid?

Nyctophilia Raven

Gimpy… tell me some place where someone who can feel people in fucking Australia and the pulsing song of the stars can go to get away from this realm’s pain?

Rae… in those dreams… I have never been able to become lucid. I can only obey.

So Real Nebula

Do you ever feel people’s joy, or is it only their pain?

Nyctophilia Raven

I think… that part sucks the worst.

I only feel people’s sicknesses. Their wounds, their hurts… are so big, they cry out so loudly… I can’t hear the smiles underneath. People cover their sores with giggles a lot, Rae… but it’s just a cover, and you know that.

So Real Nebula

Of course I know that

However, I don’t think that I necessarily tapping source. Source isn’t pain. Source is joy. I’m thinking… You may be taking on these people’s lack of connection to source And in doing so, causing the clash. Perhaps people should be trained to tap into source We all came from source, right? The link is there, we just have to remember it, right?

Nyctophilia Raven

Source is everything, Rae.

And… Zen Buddhists have been trying to teach people how to tap into Source, and so have Hindus, for centuries. People just keep getting further and further away from it.

So Real Nebula

Yes, but is it also not a perfect understanding of everything? Is it not everything at once? Why only the negative effects?

Tapping into source should mean that you can also tap into whatever you are missing, because it is already there Memories, joy, love too

Nyctophilia Raven

Rae… because when you perfectly understand everything… you also perfectly understand that everyone around you, yourself included, is a destructive FOOL, that everyone in the world is completely, absolutely, MAD.

So Real Nebula

Do you also understand that we are all more than those things?

Nyctophilia Raven

It is the most painful, humbling, horrifying thing in the world, to confront what your race is doing and know that they are all blind and foolish, and that they are the reason they are in such pain.

Nyctophilia Raven

I understand that you could be. I understand that individually, you often are. I also understand that collectively, humans are a plague of insanity that does nothing but break the worlds they can reach, because of their pain. They are the wolf in the trap who is in SO much pain, it cannot understand that the hand reaching for it is to release it, so it bites as hard and as often as it can, because it is that terrified.

Nyctophilia Raven

And I’m so tired of my bleeding hands. I have sympathy for that wolf. My heart ACHES to help it… But I can’t anymore. I have no hands left. I just… I can’t do this anymore. It’s time to call in someone to shoot the wolf and just put it out of its misery.

So Real Nebula

We are what we see in others, yes? Can you maybe start to see hope? Even for pretends? Blind is a point of view. You are suffering. So something is wrong…

Throw a cloth over the wolf’s eyes, then release it’s trap, then run. There is always a way, right?

Nyctophilia Raven

Everything is wrong. But it can’t be helped. It can’t be fixed. There’s no milk in the fridge, it’s all over the floor. Grab a mop, clean it up, and just accept that you’re going without milk this week.

Just have to accept it. Can’t fix it. Just have to deal. Take a breath. Swallow it down and keep moving. Just… so tired of keeping moving.

So Real Nebula

Or… Everything is right. It can be fixed or not, it’s all good. The milk in the fridge was a lesson to pay attention, and the mop a reminder

Nyctophilia Raven

I didn’t spill the milk. Didn’t see who did. Doesn’t matter. Clean it up, grit your teeth and bear it… and keep going.

So Real Nebula

And you are not obligated. Anytime you have to fight, something isn’t flowing right

It doesn’t matter. Maybe there is joy on seeing the floor clean again I don’t care who told you that you were obligated. I think that is a lie and a chain and you don’t need it

Nyctophilia Raven

I don’t fight. That’s probably the problem right there. I just give in. I just accept. They threw me off a roof once. I thought, “Oh, shit, I’m going to die. That’s going to hurt.” So I let go, put myself into trance, and started to leave, so I wouldn’t have to feel it. Couldn’t fix it, so I just… accepted it and moved on.” They weren’t happy with that. They stopped me from falling anymore. They never let me rest.

Nyctophilia Raven

It’s not… obligation.

Rae… if you’re hurting… you do what you can to make it stop hurting, right?

So Real Nebula

I know, I know.. It’s just who you are… But I think you can be more than a tool

Nyctophilia Raven

If a whole world hurts… and that hurts you… you do what you can to make it stop hurting.

So Real Nebula

Sometimes. Obviously as a human I am want to suffer at times

Nyctophilia Raven

It’s not obligation. It’s desperation.

That’s… kind of weird.

So Real Nebula

Well, it’s complicated, but it is in the design

Otherwise why would we? Can’t grow if nothing pressures us

Nyctophilia Raven

I really, really hope she’s done playing here after this life. I really do. I’m so tired of coming here. I want to go home. Home doesn’t hurt like this. Home, everything sings.

So Real Nebula

Can’t become diamonds by sitting as a nose on frosty the snowman

Who told you that you have to stay here?

Nyctophilia Raven

Sometimes I think… I should have never followed her. But… she was interesting, you know? She wasn’t boring. We fae can never resist something new and fascinating. So.. I followed her… and somehow we got tangled up… and now when she lives, I live, when she dies I’m usually right behind her… or ahead of her. *shrugs* We got tangled somehow and where she goes, I go.

Nyctophilia Raven

I never wanted to be a diamond. I just wanted to see what she’d do.

So Real Nebula

Curiosity.

Nyctophilia Raven

You know what she was? She was a spark from Fire. I’d never seen Fire have a child before. It was new. I was bored. She was interesting.

So Real Nebula

Boredom.

Nyctophilia Raven

And… she was SO new. You know, in Faerie, when we’re born, we’re born knowing what we need to know? She was born knowing nothing. Really. She showed up in faerie and she didn’t know her name, she didn’t know what she was, she didn’t know how to eat, or speak. She didn’t know what a leaf was, or a river. She knew NOTHING… and she was so… she sparked. She was passionate, and curious, and into EVERYTHING. My GODS she was into everything. And I was sure… it would be interesting to see what she’d do. So I followed her.

So Real Nebula

That is the answer to why we do things

Nyctophilia Raven

I kind of died a lot from that. I suppose that was interesting, in a way.

So Real Nebula

Learning is more fun than knowing

Kyle Young

I hate seeing others in pain

Nyctophilia Raven

I think… it was… a silly thing to do. I absolutely adore her, I really do, but… this place sucks. She didn’t know any better, but I really, really wish I had walked away, or that she’d chosen a better venue.

So Real Nebula

She is going to figure this out and I am not going to let her give up

To be needed is better than to be bored

Nyctophilia Raven

Faerie needed me, Rae, or I wouldn’t have been engendered. That’s the way things work.

So Real Nebula

Giving birth hurts, but it’s tons more joy than pain, unless you only see the pain

Nyctophilia Raven

Faerie is a conscious ecosystem. Everything created by Faerie has a place and a purpose. Nothing is wasted. When it stops being needed, it fades back into the mysts, and its energy is recycled into something that is.

So Real Nebula

You were needed more here, or you wouldn’t be here. Nothing is stone alone

Nyctophilia Raven

I don’t think things from Faerie belong here. The song of this place is sour.

So Real Nebula

And you have the capability to make it sweeter, whereas you left a place that was already sweet. Greater need

And things are changing

How have I made it any sweeter? I mean, seriously. I’ve been here for a couple thousand years now, and it hasn’t gotten better. It’s gotten steadily WORSE.

So Real Nebula

Slowly, sure

So Real Nebula

I hear that a lot from people, but I see so much wonder and beauty that in spite of the hate, the pain, the fear, the guilt… There is hope and joy and people are waking up. We will remember to sing and you are here to help. There is nothing anywhere more important than making things better. You see it, so it can appear.

Nyctophilia Raven

I see a lot of wonder and beauty here, Rae. It’s a natural place. But… the outside where the sun and the woods and the rain and the rivers are, where the beauty is… can’t seem to keep up with all the ugly pain that people are spewing into the air with the rest of the toxins. It’s hard to breathe anymore.

So Real Nebula

The only thing constant is change. And as you told me, we slide into that change and work it from the inside. We make it work.

Nyctophilia Raven

I’m trying. I’m just… tired.

So Real Nebula

Toxins can be fought.

Nyctophilia Raven

I’m all out of spark.

So Real Nebula

Then stop trying, and slide in?

So Real Nebula

Can you give your pain away?

Nyctophilia Raven

Rae… why on earth would I do that to someone.

The whole reason I HAVE this much pain is because I didn’t want anyone to feel it in the first place.

So Real Nebula

Could one lay on the blade so you could have a soft pillow for your feet?

Nyctophilia Raven

Giving it away rather defeats the purpose, now doesn’t it.

Right. Because I’m ALL about cutting someone else up to save my own feet.

So Real Nebula

Unless it is to give them something to help you

Except that maybe the blade doesn’t cut them

Nyctophilia Raven

What a bloody brilliant idea. Sacrifice someone else. Yay. Why didn’t I think about that. I can be cruel, and crazy, all at the same time. Woot.

So Real Nebula

Maybe the blade only cuts you

Nyctophilia Raven

That blade cuts everything. It freaking keeps void away from hell.

Fox

i don’t quite think that is what rae meant

So Real Nebula

No… I so did not mean that

I meant, an assistant Who doesn’t get hurt

Fox

perhaps there is someone who is designed to be a sheath? just…. made differently?

Nyctophilia Raven

I’d rather break the blade.

So Real Nebula

Or some damn shoes

Nyctophilia Raven

Did I tell you the dream changed last night?

So Real Nebula

Well, that sacrifices everyone

Nyctophilia Raven

Sure.. Like I said. Shoot the wolf.

Put everyone out of their misery.

So Real Nebula

Or, don’t shoot the wolf and use another tool

Snow Gryphon

Dont shoot the wolf

Nyctophilia Raven

First time in 35 years it’s changed.

So Real Nebula

Gryph. If you came upon a wolf in a trap, and as you go to release the trap, the wolf bites your hand. What do you do?

Nyctophilia Raven

Rae… that wolf is fucking deranged and beyond terrified and pissed off. It’s in so much pain there is no helping it anymore. I’m tired of getting my hands broken. It’s better to break the blade and just walk away.

It doesn’t matter how sympathetic I am anymore. There’s no reasoning with that level of pain. All you can do when they get to that state is let them pass.

So Real Nebula

So, let everyone pass, but don’t sacrifice one person or tool to keep your feet off the blade…

Nyctophilia Raven

I’ve never seen a single person near that blade. It’s just me and the void and the hell below it.

Two different dreams. In the one, there’s people. In the other, there’s just me and the blade.

So Real Nebula

Right, but the same idea

Nyctophilia Raven

How can you sacrifice what doesn’t exist?

I’ve never been able to change that dream.

So Real Nebula

Create it in your mind.

Now While awake

Nyctophilia Raven

Rae.

I don’t want to dance anymore. I don’t want to cover that fucking blade. I don’t want to put a person between me and it. I don’t want to put shoes on. I just want to break the fucking thing.

So Real Nebula

Ok… No turkeys. I get it.

Nyctophilia Raven

It’s already cut me to pieces, anyway. I get that it’s me or it.

So Real Nebula

Well then, what happens if you do that in your mind?

Nyctophilia Raven

I don’t know. I only know what happens if I stop dancing and let the fucker take me.

Which is really nice and peaceful. Except, you know… with the not ever having existed. If the milk is going to spill anyway… would you rather have someone to blame, or be the person to blame yourself?

So Real Nebula

I’d rather just clean it up and see the nice floor beneath. Everyone is different

And if it keeps spilling, I’d rather see why, not who Also, call my kitties over for a treat I think there are beings that fit that analogy

Nyctophilia Raven

I’ve been looking to find out why I lead all those people across the chasm, while I’m left to face the lion on my own, for a lifetime. I’ve been trying to understand why I’m the one on the knife for even longer. It no longer matters who left the trap in the woods, or that I want the wolf out of it.

So Real Nebula

You just want to end it because you feel it is beyond hope?

Nyctophilia Raven

No. That’s not what I mean.

I’ve no intention of harming myself. I just… Don’t want to be responsible anymore. I don’t want to be in charge of the lion, and I don’t want to be keeping the sky from falling anymore. Your’e adults. It’s time you did it yourselves.

So Real Nebula

Then teaching people to help themselves is them being your assistant

Fox

you all are talking in too many goddamned riddles. Gemini and Libra  dancing in words and air. let’s be real for a moment here. Exactly what is it that we are talking about here? On one hand it sounds like suicide, on one hand it sounds like breaking reality and killing every last thing in existence  and on yet another hand it sounds like giving the power back and trying to start anew with a family and all the lovely little things everyone else get’s to have.

So Real Nebula

LOL

Nyctophilia Raven

Rae… I’ve BEEN teaching people to help themselves. FOR GENERATIONS. It HASN’T HELPED!

Look at that fucking mess out there and tell me that my several thousand years of meddling with humans has done anyone a LICK of good?

So Real Nebula

It helps them. Even if just one at a time. It helps them.

Fox

which, I’m in no place to give anyone advice about their roles in this world, but if you think it’s about damned time you do something that is good for YOU and stop worrying about the good of every fucking other person, then…. do it for YOU. do it for your husband, do it for your boy. If you want to put the power away and be happy, how the fuck can I tell you not to do that? I love you.

Nyctophilia Raven

Foxy is right. I want to give up the power and go have my family. i want to keep my memories, what’s left of them and have the few nice things everyone else gets to have. And when I’m done I want to go HOME.

So Real Nebula

Then do that

Just don’t feel guilty about it

Nyctophilia Raven

I can’t help that.

So Real Nebula

Sure you can. It’s your guilt. Totally manufactured from you. You can make something else instead with that energy

Fox

…. Do or do not…. there is no try…. or kicking yourself in the teeth for doing it.

So Real Nebula

Like pie

Nyctophilia Raven

It’s like a doctor with no license, but still all that knowledge. You can drive past all the accidents in the world… but no matter how you turn your head and harden your heart, deep down you know you could have helped, and you chose not to, and whatever their fate, part of their suffering, their fate, is going to be your fault because you walked away and did nothing.

So Real Nebula

It’s not your responsibility. It’s a gift, and if it doesn’t fit, don’t use it

Nyctophilia Raven

It’s NOT a fucking GIFT.

Gifts don’t take when they’re given.

So Real Nebula

Bet you anything there are doctors who do that all the time with not a shred of guilt

Nyctophilia Raven

You know better than that.

Fox

one way or another, you will feel bad. on the one hand, you’ll feel pain for being responsible. on the other, you’ll feel guilt for turning away from the responsibility. now you just have to figure out which one will hurt less

Nyctophilia Raven

Yeah, well, they’re not good doctors. Whatever can be said about me, I’m fucking good at what I do.

Fox

yes, that you are

So Real Nebula

It’s a gift. All things are. Whether they take or not is all in how they are used.

You are fucking good at what you do

Nyctophilia Raven

I’m tired of waking up wondering what I’ve forgotten now, Rae.

So Real Nebula

However, what good are you going to be if you are no longer you?

Gimp

i know that there is a saying with great power comes great responsibility but honestly when is enough enough when have you sacrificed enough when you’ve lost so much that the guilt wont matter because there is no memory of it?

Nyctophilia Raven

I love helping people. I do. I love seeing their faces and knowing that I brought them peace. I love that I lighten their hearts, and heal their energies, soothe their wounds and their souls, and give them strength and purpose and the ability to move forward and keep their heads high and lift the roof of this world as they go…

Fox

retire and write a book. that’s what surgeons with shaky hands do. when they can no longer bear their burden, they find other ways

Nyctophilia Raven

But let’s face it.

So Real Nebula

And that is what many who help others must do. Be good to themselves, so that they can even exist to provide for others

Fox

there is always a way to help, even if it is small and doesn’t use the power.

Nyctophilia Raven

It’s a fucking lie. I’m selling them a bridge to china and we all know it… and every time I do it, I lose something. Every time I lie down and dream, I wake up with some other piece of me gone. One day my husband is going to have to have a VCR next to my bed so when I wake up I’ll know who he is and who I am and know what my son looks like.

So Real Nebula

Well then… stop selling the bridge

Nyctophilia Raven

I might help you feel better about it all… but that doesn’t change that you’re stuck here, soaking in the poisons. Nothing I ever do will change the fact that you live.

So Real Nebula

although many poisons go in, that’s not all that goes in.

Nyctophilia Raven

And I cant’ stop life from tearing you apart… all I can do is bring the bandages and counsel you to get back up and go get torn up again. Oh, goodie me.

Fox

well, look at the alternative. for us humans…. death is a reset button. we get a shiny new scarless body and go at it again. living is not evil and death is not peace.

we don’t get to go “home” because this IS home.

So Real Nebula

However, death is not evil and living is not peace either

Nyctophilia Raven

I know.

Fox

anyway, at this point…. it sounds like you are arguing with yourself. You aren’t sure which road to go. You are trying to convince yourself, one way or another.

So Real Nebula

and I think it’s fucking beautiful and wonderful and I plan to come back at some point

Fox

I say, be true to yourself whatever that may be.

you want to live your life with your family and have a little bit of happiness before you die? …. well then what’s stopping you?

Nyctophilia Raven

Foxy… if I knew what was true… I wouldn’t be arguing about whether to drop the knife and the power (or just fucking break it, come what may)… or keep going.

So Real Nebula

I do not see it as shattered pieces to sweep off the floor. I see art. Tools to gather and make something better from

Every little bit counts.

Nyctophilia Raven

I’m tired of the repetition.

So Real Nebula

I don’t get healing because I think I’m broken and desperate. I get them to get in touch with the pieces. To see what can come from them

Then stop

Nyctophilia Raven

Do you know why I started selling my services, in spite of the cost?

It was mostly… because I like to eat.

So Real Nebula

That is a valid reason

Nyctophilia Raven

I liked to help people, don’t get me wrong. That was important to me. I even liked the fact that through my healing, people looked up to me, believed in me, thought I was important. But food. That’s way more valid than helping. And… like I said. I’m fairly sure that patching people up so they could keep living and thus be able to get more fucked up than before is a fucking cruel thing to do to people.

Fox

I, as well as everyone else, am going to keep breaking. We are going to keep getting hurt, we are going to keep living. That is the nature of this place. the only way you can interfere with that is become a genocidal maniac and drop a few nukes, but even then, you’re just hitting the reset button for those people. sending them back to factory default so they can do it again.

So Real Nebula

I am understanding that sometimes you lick up the spilled milk kitty, but there are still other things to draw from, ways to see the breakage as it happens because you have felt what it’s like

Oh you mean normal food. For money… you could sell meditations and lessons for money instead. You don’t always have to touch people’s energy

Nyctophilia Raven

Rae…when have you ever known me to be able to not touch someone’s energy.

I don’t even have to know your NAME and I know everything about you the moment you write your first sentence. It doesn’t even have to be written to me. It’s not like I can avoid that. Only children run around with their fingers in their ears yelling lalalallalal

So Real Nebula

There are likely ways to block that. I think CH even sells something. I’m pretty sure eclipse meta sells a block amulet too

Then be a child Who cares? Children are happier

Nyctophilia Raven

Tried the Tuner. It didn’t work. I tried to explain to someone awhile back… about the empathy and how it’s such a defensive mechanism I can’t stop it, can’t shield it, can’t do anything.

Anyway. It doesn’t matter.

So Real Nebula

Yeah

Nyctophilia Raven

I’m just… I’ll keep going. I always do. I don’t know how to do anything else anyway.

Gimp

you know a little about my past lemon or maybe you know more then i think you do

you know i used to be a mechanic – you know why im not anymore – im not about to go back to it and risk my back all over again but i will find somthing else im good at – someone once told me im like that warm shot of whiskey that gives courage and i hope thats true

Nyctophilia Raven

Yeah. You loved to heal cars. Now you’re supposed to hold the rope and make sure that people who wander into caves don’t get lost in the dark.

Gimp

lol ya

or string

Nyctophilia Raven

Because, you know, if someone doesn’t… those blooming idiots will do all kinds of stupid shit in there, and we’ll all pay even worse than we do. smh

String. Caves.

Gimp

but its the fact that there is always another calling

somewhere else to eat

Nyctophilia Raven

True.

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2 comments on “On Not Deciding

  1. Fire.

    I know I’m going through a lot of chaos right now. Hubby and I are doing some serious research, trying to find answers on the astral and here for what is happening, and if there’s a way to stop it. We’ve got other practitioners helping.

    There is a place that all practitioners of a certain level come to… where they have to stop being what they were and be something else. They have to stop being a tool… and they have to start doing things for their own reasons.

    The reason I’m so messed up right now is not totally to do with losing memories. It’s been going on for years, and really, it doesn’t usually bother me this much.

    But right now… I’m also being asked to make a choice about whether I stay on this particular path of service…

    Or whether I start doing things for myself, my own reasons, instead.
    And the problem I have with that is… I truly don’t know what I want. I honestly, deeply, have no fucking clue what to choose, because I do love helping people, even if it doesn’t seem to be very effective widespread.

    But… I do it for them. I don’t do anything for myself – I don’t choose anything for myself. And I don’t think I know how.

    So…. do I keep going down this road, which is for everyone else, but makes me feel at least useful… or… do I try something else, and not even the Gods know what that might be, but I do it for myself, whatever it is? I dunno. Since I don’t know what that other thing might be… I truly do not know what to do.

    The thing about crossroads like these is… there’s time. I don’t have to make the choice right away.

    It’s going to take awhile for me to make the decision, since I don’t know what my options are at all right now, and until I know them, I’m not choosing SHIT. I don’t choose sight unseen. That’d be just dumb. So… I’m going to finish up the people on my schedule, but then I think I’m going to stop healing for a few weeks. Recuperate before the wedding maybe. I dunno. I might do some more jobs because the money would be helpful this close to the day.

    So that’s that.

    I don’t need help. I need to make a choice… and that is just going to take me some time.

    Deep blessings.
    Nycto

    Like

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