eh *shrugs* I have Empty Chairs at Empty Tables in my head. ANYthing at this point would be better than that.
Nobody at dinner?
It’s the words that are important. Not the voice, not the music. Just the words.
Rae… I’m… not really anything today.
Just… very, very fucking tired.
Which is exactly the description of depressed
This dream I have.. over and over… just… for years. It keeps coming back to this.
Tell me about your dream
As far back as I can remember, two repetitive dreams. In one, I’m leading a band of people along a cliff, towards a natural arch stone bridge. I am the only one who can get them where they need to be. Without me, they will all die. I take them across the bridge, towards a beautiful valley. There is a lion in the way. I throw myself at the lion. It kills me, but I take it with me. They go into the valley, and they live happily ever after. I’m left alone, dead, in the claws of the dead lion.
The one time that dream changed, I was on the wrong side of the chasm, and couldn’t reach the cliff path to help them pass… they all died… and I perished in the desert unable to reach them. Pointless. I woke up and I knew… there wasn’t a choice.
Sounds like a martyr
There is void above me. There is magma below. There is a knife across a chasm… bridging it. The blade upwards. I am naked, dancing on the blade… my feet cut to shreds, the blood holding me to the blade. I dance, desperate to keep my balance… to fall is to die, whether I fall up or down. I have to keep dancing, have to keep bleeding. It’s the only way to survive. There is no choice.
Last night… The dream changed… I stopped dancing. I let the knife take me. I quit. I just… I’m so tired. So tired.
So you want to relinquish?
Every time I heal someone… I lose a piece of myself. I wake up the next day, and something is gone. I forget hours. Sometimes days. Conversations. Names. Faces. Friends. All gone.
Sounds like a search is in order. You should not be losing to give
He says it’s not a big deal. That it doesn’t bother him. That we can figure this out, that since it’s a magickal thing, there’s a solution that we can find ourselves… but I’ve been looking for that solution for 35 years. She says I haven’t tried everything, until I’ve worn a dead turkey on my head. They both say they’ll love me…
But will I still love them, when I don’t know my sister and my husband, will I still love them?
Well that’s a keeper.
Indeed it is.
I think love transcends regardless
Have you thought of working on your neuro links?
That’s the problem. My third eye flares every time I use it. I’m just… too fucking big for my physical energetic structure to cope. So every time I do ANYTHING meta – even if it’s just falling asleep and dreaming of the astral, it breaks things in my head.
Holy shizznit… I read something for a split second and couldn’t find it again moments after I read it, and wondered if I imagined it…. It said “her body couldn’t maintain the energy”
That’s exactly the issue.
The thing is… our bodies are also energy. So, perhaps there is a way to make it sync more harmoniously?
My body is breaking because I’m just too fucking big, and I channel too much of the Source. Source is too high a vibration, and the physical body too low a vibration. Source is literally SHAKING MY BRAIN APART… and it’s taking the rest of my system with it. My bones in my neck are already in trouble – thus the migraines… and my hips, another serious energy juncture. I’ve been getting more and more chest pains lately…
Can someone with a lower vibration work on you to balance afterward?
How many LHP technicians do you know of? Usually people who take the lower path take it exclusively and don’t do balance work… and most of them don’t do healing work, either. And I’d need a technician who could work on me probably daily…
I actually have a possible solution… Do you still want your connection with the Source?
No, I don’t have tuning forks… you have to be trained to use them, and a set is over $300.
They are expensive, true
Honestly? I don’t know what I want anymore.
There are some with adjustable bells for cheaper
Well… If you want I could sever you from it.
and youtubes on how to use them I imagine
Another thing is the martyrdom that you have within is something too…
Kya… I don’t know that that’s a good idea.
I think controlling access and balancing afterward, however possible, would be good.
Rae… you know me. I’m REALLY good at careful. I ground and center, cleanse and clear, balance, before I work on anyone… and the same after.
Yes, but perhaps really good at careful is *too* clean
But… it’s not working. Balancing doesn’t work anymore. Disconnecting doesn’t work anymore.
You are living in an unbalanced and dirty low vibe world. Too high a vibe within it might make you disappear
Rae… trust me, I know what I live in. This place SUCKS ASS. I’ve done my best not to be high vibration, but to be as neutral as possible.. but I don’t know how not to be what I am. I don’t know how to be something else.
You are stubborn… have I ever told you that?
I’m fucked whatever I do. And everyone says I’m stubborn and obtuse. And blind because I know too much. Which is EVER so helpful.
Well the way I see it is the Source is causing you a huge problem and the martyrdom doesn’t help with it
So if you sever the connection between the two
I have no INTEREST in being a martyr, Kya. Seriously. But… dropping the Source is like dropping your SKIN.
Problem is is as you said, that you don’t know how to be anything else either.
Well, if you aren’t listening to them, then you are the one not being helpful. You have a problem. Every time you have a problem, you always give tons of reasons why not, but I don’t see you trying the turkey on your head
Yeah I figured that was the case.
I would drop the martyrdom only
Thanks Rae. You’re right. I’ll go buy one right now, shall I? That’s BOUND to work.
Pics or it didn’t happen
The thing with this is it isn’t as easy as a turkey upon the head. It’s like amputating here.
lol – Rae, you’re a cheerful lech.
And you don’t have the tools to sew back the amputation if things go awry
I am not trying to be rude, and I’m not saying I have the answers. What I am saying is that I want you to KEEP TRYING
What happens to everything when Life stops wanting to keep things alive?
What happens when Life looks at everything and says, you know what, fuck this shit, this is SO not worth it, and walks away?
That’s hope talking, not Life
You’re not understanding.
Life is either there or not
For a while… it was worth it to help find people and make their lives better. Dig them out of the shit. For awhile, it was worth it to not help anyone but a very select few and instead mostly help myself. Now I don’t even want to do that.
You back her into a corner, and she will fuck your shit up, because she’s fine until you back her into a corner and then all hell breaks loose and everyone dies, but she lives. That’s all that matters to her, is that she keeps going.
I’m tired of dancing on that blade. It fucking HURTS.
it sounds like she and you need a break from that sometimes its good just to get away from yourself and figure out a different path
And there is no way to flip the blade so it hurts less?
but it sounds like you need a vacation to get away from other peoples pain
No way to add material to the void, water to the lava?
It’s not my knife, Rae. I don’t even know how I got there. I’ve been dreaming of that knife since I remember dreaming, and probably before I even knew what the word knife was. The cliff dreams started when I was 7 or 8. Always the same two dreams… but the knife was first.
No way to close the lion’s mouth? To trims his claws?
Gimpy… tell me some place where someone who can feel people in fucking Australia and the pulsing song of the stars can go to get away from this realm’s pain?
Do you ever feel people’s joy, or is it only their pain?
I think… that part sucks the worst.
Of course I know that
Source is everything, Rae.
Yes, but is it also not a perfect understanding of everything? Is it not everything at once? Why only the negative effects?
Rae… because when you perfectly understand everything… you also perfectly understand that everyone around you, yourself included, is a destructive FOOL, that everyone in the world is completely, absolutely, MAD.
Do you also understand that we are all more than those things?
It is the most painful, humbling, horrifying thing in the world, to confront what your race is doing and know that they are all blind and foolish, and that they are the reason they are in such pain.
I understand that you could be. I understand that individually, you often are. I also understand that collectively, humans are a plague of insanity that does nothing but break the worlds they can reach, because of their pain. They are the wolf in the trap who is in SO much pain, it cannot understand that the hand reaching for it is to release it, so it bites as hard and as often as it can, because it is that terrified.
And I’m so tired of my bleeding hands. I have sympathy for that wolf. My heart ACHES to help it… But I can’t anymore. I have no hands left. I just… I can’t do this anymore. It’s time to call in someone to shoot the wolf and just put it out of its misery.
We are what we see in others, yes? Can you maybe start to see hope? Even for pretends? Blind is a point of view. You are suffering. So something is wrong…
Everything is wrong. But it can’t be helped. It can’t be fixed. There’s no milk in the fridge, it’s all over the floor. Grab a mop, clean it up, and just accept that you’re going without milk this week.
Or… Everything is right. It can be fixed or not, it’s all good. The milk in the fridge was a lesson to pay attention, and the mop a reminder
I didn’t spill the milk. Didn’t see who did. Doesn’t matter. Clean it up, grit your teeth and bear it… and keep going.
And you are not obligated. Anytime you have to fight, something isn’t flowing right
I don’t fight. That’s probably the problem right there. I just give in. I just accept. They threw me off a roof once. I thought, “Oh, shit, I’m going to die. That’s going to hurt.” So I let go, put myself into trance, and started to leave, so I wouldn’t have to feel it. Couldn’t fix it, so I just… accepted it and moved on.” They weren’t happy with that. They stopped me from falling anymore. They never let me rest.
It’s not… obligation.
I know, I know.. It’s just who you are… But I think you can be more than a tool
If a whole world hurts… and that hurts you… you do what you can to make it stop hurting.
Sometimes. Obviously as a human I am want to suffer at times
It’s not obligation. It’s desperation.
Well, it’s complicated, but it is in the design
I really, really hope she’s done playing here after this life. I really do. I’m so tired of coming here. I want to go home. Home doesn’t hurt like this. Home, everything sings.
Can’t become diamonds by sitting as a nose on frosty the snowman
Sometimes I think… I should have never followed her. But… she was interesting, you know? She wasn’t boring. We fae can never resist something new and fascinating. So.. I followed her… and somehow we got tangled up… and now when she lives, I live, when she dies I’m usually right behind her… or ahead of her. *shrugs* We got tangled somehow and where she goes, I go.
I never wanted to be a diamond. I just wanted to see what she’d do.
You know what she was? She was a spark from Fire. I’d never seen Fire have a child before. It was new. I was bored. She was interesting.
And… she was SO new. You know, in Faerie, when we’re born, we’re born knowing what we need to know? She was born knowing nothing. Really. She showed up in faerie and she didn’t know her name, she didn’t know what she was, she didn’t know how to eat, or speak. She didn’t know what a leaf was, or a river. She knew NOTHING… and she was so… she sparked. She was passionate, and curious, and into EVERYTHING. My GODS she was into everything. And I was sure… it would be interesting to see what she’d do. So I followed her.
That is the answer to why we do things
I kind of died a lot from that. I suppose that was interesting, in a way.
Learning is more fun than knowing
I hate seeing others in pain
I think… it was… a silly thing to do. I absolutely adore her, I really do, but… this place sucks. She didn’t know any better, but I really, really wish I had walked away, or that she’d chosen a better venue.
She is going to figure this out and I am not going to let her give up
Faerie needed me, Rae, or I wouldn’t have been engendered. That’s the way things work.
Giving birth hurts, but it’s tons more joy than pain, unless you only see the pain
Faerie is a conscious ecosystem. Everything created by Faerie has a place and a purpose. Nothing is wasted. When it stops being needed, it fades back into the mysts, and its energy is recycled into something that is.
You were needed more here, or you wouldn’t be here. Nothing is stone alone
I don’t think things from Faerie belong here. The song of this place is sour.
And you have the capability to make it sweeter, whereas you left a place that was already sweet. Greater need
How have I made it any sweeter? I mean, seriously. I’ve been here for a couple thousand years now, and it hasn’t gotten better. It’s gotten steadily WORSE.
I hear that a lot from people, but I see so much wonder and beauty that in spite of the hate, the pain, the fear, the guilt… There is hope and joy and people are waking up. We will remember to sing and you are here to help. There is nothing anywhere more important than making things better. You see it, so it can appear.
I see a lot of wonder and beauty here, Rae. It’s a natural place. But… the outside where the sun and the woods and the rain and the rivers are, where the beauty is… can’t seem to keep up with all the ugly pain that people are spewing into the air with the rest of the toxins. It’s hard to breathe anymore.
The only thing constant is change. And as you told me, we slide into that change and work it from the inside. We make it work.
I’m trying. I’m just… tired.
Toxins can be fought.
I’m all out of spark.
Then stop trying, and slide in?
Can you give your pain away?
Rae… why on earth would I do that to someone.
Could one lay on the blade so you could have a soft pillow for your feet?
Giving it away rather defeats the purpose, now doesn’t it.
Unless it is to give them something to help you
What a bloody brilliant idea. Sacrifice someone else. Yay. Why didn’t I think about that. I can be cruel, and crazy, all at the same time. Woot.
Maybe the blade only cuts you
That blade cuts everything. It freaking keeps void away from hell.
i don’t quite think that is what rae meant
No… I so did not mean that
perhaps there is someone who is designed to be a sheath? just…. made differently?
I’d rather break the blade.
Or some damn shoes
Did I tell you the dream changed last night?
Well, that sacrifices everyone
Sure.. Like I said. Shoot the wolf.
Or, don’t shoot the wolf and use another tool
Dont shoot the wolf
First time in 35 years it’s changed.
Gryph. If you came upon a wolf in a trap, and as you go to release the trap, the wolf bites your hand. What do you do?
Rae… that wolf is fucking deranged and beyond terrified and pissed off. It’s in so much pain there is no helping it anymore. I’m tired of getting my hands broken. It’s better to break the blade and just walk away.
So, let everyone pass, but don’t sacrifice one person or tool to keep your feet off the blade…
I’ve never seen a single person near that blade. It’s just me and the void and the hell below it.
Right, but the same idea
How can you sacrifice what doesn’t exist?
Create it in your mind.
Ok… No turkeys. I get it.
It’s already cut me to pieces, anyway. I get that it’s me or it.
Well then, what happens if you do that in your mind?
I don’t know. I only know what happens if I stop dancing and let the fucker take me.
I’d rather just clean it up and see the nice floor beneath. Everyone is different
I’ve been looking to find out why I lead all those people across the chasm, while I’m left to face the lion on my own, for a lifetime. I’ve been trying to understand why I’m the one on the knife for even longer. It no longer matters who left the trap in the woods, or that I want the wolf out of it.
You just want to end it because you feel it is beyond hope?
No. That’s not what I mean.
Then teaching people to help themselves is them being your assistant
you all are talking in too many goddamned riddles. Gemini and Libra dancing in words and air. let’s be real for a moment here. Exactly what is it that we are talking about here? On one hand it sounds like suicide, on one hand it sounds like breaking reality and killing every last thing in existence and on yet another hand it sounds like giving the power back and trying to start anew with a family and all the lovely little things everyone else get’s to have.
Rae… I’ve BEEN teaching people to help themselves. FOR GENERATIONS. It HASN’T HELPED!
It helps them. Even if just one at a time. It helps them.
which, I’m in no place to give anyone advice about their roles in this world, but if you think it’s about damned time you do something that is good for YOU and stop worrying about the good of every fucking other person, then…. do it for YOU. do it for your husband, do it for your boy. If you want to put the power away and be happy, how the fuck can I tell you not to do that? I love you.
Foxy is right. I want to give up the power and go have my family. i want to keep my memories, what’s left of them and have the few nice things everyone else gets to have. And when I’m done I want to go HOME.
Then do that
I can’t help that.
Sure you can. It’s your guilt. Totally manufactured from you. You can make something else instead with that energy
…. Do or do not…. there is no try…. or kicking yourself in the teeth for doing it.
It’s like a doctor with no license, but still all that knowledge. You can drive past all the accidents in the world… but no matter how you turn your head and harden your heart, deep down you know you could have helped, and you chose not to, and whatever their fate, part of their suffering, their fate, is going to be your fault because you walked away and did nothing.
It’s not your responsibility. It’s a gift, and if it doesn’t fit, don’t use it
It’s NOT a fucking GIFT.
Bet you anything there are doctors who do that all the time with not a shred of guilt
You know better than that.
one way or another, you will feel bad. on the one hand, you’ll feel pain for being responsible. on the other, you’ll feel guilt for turning away from the responsibility. now you just have to figure out which one will hurt less
Yeah, well, they’re not good doctors. Whatever can be said about me, I’m fucking good at what I do.
yes, that you are
It’s a gift. All things are. Whether they take or not is all in how they are used.
I’m tired of waking up wondering what I’ve forgotten now, Rae.
However, what good are you going to be if you are no longer you?
i know that there is a saying with great power comes great responsibility but honestly when is enough enough when have you sacrificed enough when you’ve lost so much that the guilt wont matter because there is no memory of it?
I love helping people. I do. I love seeing their faces and knowing that I brought them peace. I love that I lighten their hearts, and heal their energies, soothe their wounds and their souls, and give them strength and purpose and the ability to move forward and keep their heads high and lift the roof of this world as they go…
retire and write a book. that’s what surgeons with shaky hands do. when they can no longer bear their burden, they find other ways
But let’s face it.
And that is what many who help others must do. Be good to themselves, so that they can even exist to provide for others
there is always a way to help, even if it is small and doesn’t use the power.
It’s a fucking lie. I’m selling them a bridge to china and we all know it… and every time I do it, I lose something. Every time I lie down and dream, I wake up with some other piece of me gone. One day my husband is going to have to have a VCR next to my bed so when I wake up I’ll know who he is and who I am and know what my son looks like.
Well then… stop selling the bridge
I might help you feel better about it all… but that doesn’t change that you’re stuck here, soaking in the poisons. Nothing I ever do will change the fact that you live.
although many poisons go in, that’s not all that goes in.
And I cant’ stop life from tearing you apart… all I can do is bring the bandages and counsel you to get back up and go get torn up again. Oh, goodie me.
well, look at the alternative. for us humans…. death is a reset button. we get a shiny new scarless body and go at it again. living is not evil and death is not peace.
However, death is not evil and living is not peace either
anyway, at this point…. it sounds like you are arguing with yourself. You aren’t sure which road to go. You are trying to convince yourself, one way or another.
and I think it’s fucking beautiful and wonderful and I plan to come back at some point
I say, be true to yourself whatever that may be.
Foxy… if I knew what was true… I wouldn’t be arguing about whether to drop the knife and the power (or just fucking break it, come what may)… or keep going.
I do not see it as shattered pieces to sweep off the floor. I see art. Tools to gather and make something better from
I’m tired of the repetition.
I don’t get healing because I think I’m broken and desperate. I get them to get in touch with the pieces. To see what can come from them
Do you know why I started selling my services, in spite of the cost?
That is a valid reason
I liked to help people, don’t get me wrong. That was important to me. I even liked the fact that through my healing, people looked up to me, believed in me, thought I was important. But food. That’s way more valid than helping. And… like I said. I’m fairly sure that patching people up so they could keep living and thus be able to get more fucked up than before is a fucking cruel thing to do to people.
I, as well as everyone else, am going to keep breaking. We are going to keep getting hurt, we are going to keep living. That is the nature of this place. the only way you can interfere with that is become a genocidal maniac and drop a few nukes, but even then, you’re just hitting the reset button for those people. sending them back to factory default so they can do it again.
I am understanding that sometimes you lick up the spilled milk kitty, but there are still other things to draw from, ways to see the breakage as it happens because you have felt what it’s like
Rae…when have you ever known me to be able to not touch someone’s energy.
There are likely ways to block that. I think CH even sells something. I’m pretty sure eclipse meta sells a block amulet too
Tried the Tuner. It didn’t work. I tried to explain to someone awhile back… about the empathy and how it’s such a defensive mechanism I can’t stop it, can’t shield it, can’t do anything.
I’m just… I’ll keep going. I always do. I don’t know how to do anything else anyway.
you know a little about my past lemon or maybe you know more then i think you do
Yeah. You loved to heal cars. Now you’re supposed to hold the rope and make sure that people who wander into caves don’t get lost in the dark.
Because, you know, if someone doesn’t… those blooming idiots will do all kinds of stupid shit in there, and we’ll all pay even worse than we do. smh
but its the fact that there is always another calling