I Just Don’t Know Where To Begin (PS – LANGUAGE)

So – the random commentary is aimed… internally or at, you know, not you. Just… ignore it. Or giggle. Sometimes it makes other people giggle.

February 2nd –


I went to the sea in meditation for help – the abyss is cleansing. In the water, I met a Kraken plant, who grabbed me by the wrist and began to take me into the abyss. I didn’t feel anything positive or negative, friendly or foe-ish – it had a job, doot-de-doot-de-doo. So, as we’re going into the abyss, my chakras are stripping from my body along with the layers of the aura they produce.

The earth star (which is a deep red brown molten indescribable color and isn’t actually a chakra per se). The black chakra. The silver foot chakra. The root (yes, yes, I know I have issue with not wanting to wanting to have a human shell fuck off). The womb (SO clogged and bogged with other people’s goop, WOW, I may as well just BE other people’s sludge). The solar plexus (wow… since when have I been that pale sickly green? wth?). The hearts (OMG WHAT A FUCKING MESS HOLY FUCKING SHITBALLS BATMAN! PANIC! all raw and red and inflamed and black and clogged and… just.. EW) The throat (overactive – go figure), the third eye (a bit overactive, but also missing things – I knew that already), the Crown (white, over-active in some places, missing seeing things in other places – again, nothing I didn’t already know)… Worse still, the magenta and cyan chakras are backwards, the pearlescent and silver and gold are all kinds of dislocated and also are out of order, a freaking jumbled mess… and the final white one that symbolises Union is the only one that isn’t screwy. Shoot… even my palm chakras, the left one which should be clear and the right one which should be white, and both of which should have the bluish tint of a healer, were GREY… screaming that I’ve worked myself into the ground. *sigh* Go figure. In other words, I’m a mess. Thank you, I knew I was bad… now I know that I’m also a wreck. Thanks. Great. Well. That explains why I literally cannot even THINK about touching anyone energetically lately.

The voice tells me to take my migraine meditation and have my bath to relax my muscles. Tells me to drink two glasses of water with lemon after my bath for fluids. Tells me to get something to eat, do a few other things, and then tells me to FIX THIS. Well. I am a healer. I do actually know better than to let myself get into this mess… but honestly… it’s not all my fault – it’s only MOSTLY my own fault.

I’ve spent the last year under assault. Here’s the thing… You cannot run a business, heal the masses, cast upwards of 100 spells a month, protect around 50 people and your home and property AND yourself and your household and people/spirits/entities/conjures etc for OVER A YEAR BY YOURSELF from a very determined and angry and somewhat skilled practitioner who attacks you at least once a month without warning… without a break for an entire year (especially when you’re frequently so busy that you forget to take care of the basic details… like disconnecting and cleansing and eating and drinking… I know… don’t give me the lecture I give you… I’ve already given it to myself… twice) without eventually falling apart like the only dollar general kleenex during an influenza pandemic.

So. I came back, and went into the tub, and took my bath, drained the bath and let it suck away the worst of it that it could, took my pills, drank my water, lay down, and got started detoxing my auras and fixing my chakras.

I run energy from crown to root, because I just don’t belong here – so since I live there and not here, grounding down first gives me a splitting headache, and I already had one of those, so… I always start there.

So… after my bath… I had this second experience during the healing…

I took some time to do some deep, DEEP healing on my aura and chakras with some stone spirit friends. They raised a LOT of power for me, which really surprised me. It was more power than I’ve felt in a LONG time, and made me feel so tiny, it was like I was as small as a pixy with little seedling twigs for fingers. Anyway, while we were working on my solar plexus, I got an offer. Well, several… for POWER… Like… SERIOUS POWER. I also got offered the chance to blend my Shadow and my Higher Self and all the bits inbetween as another option. There were some other things… I’m not really comfortable talking about it, because even thinking about the offer makes me feel a bit… well, nutty. Weirdly… I saw a lot of what I could Become… but you know what? In the end, I didn’t even think about it. I’ve had that offer before – even though I didn’t understand what it meant at the time. I took it back then, and my life was hell for a long time because with Power comes RESPONSIBILITY… Tbh, I’m TIRED. I don’t want to be Servant anymore. So this time… I chose Comfort. I chose to just be ME. The moment I chose that… all that energy that my stone friends had raised to help me heal from everything over the past few months just… VANISHED… pouf, gone. I finished the rest of my chakras on my own. I think I’m ok with that, though – it really was just too much power. I wonder, though, where this will lead… this new step on my journey.

Of course, my headache didn’t go away. *sigh*

The voice who spoke to me, and has been helping me, called itself Lord of the Greater Deeps. He’s admitted to being a trickster of sorts. He didn’t even feel Dark… OR Light for that matter. He just felt… THERE. Anyway…

After thinking about it for a little while, I realized that before you say yes OR no to anything offered… you ought to maybe ask exactly what you’re saying yay or nay to… so…

I went back into the Deeps to talk to the Voice again. I was told that I needed to reawaken my fumarole. I’ve been trying to do that but.. I keep getting lost in my thoughts. Then I realize I’m distracted, and I come back and get back into the task… only to get lost in my thoughts again. It’s dreadfully difficult because fire is SO not my thing. I don’t even know where fire is in my body. *sigh* I’ve been looking everywhere… like, in my root, or my solar plexus, or maybe my physical heart because of what fumaroles do, but… gah.

What was really interesting was… I went back to Him, and He offered to show Himself to me, and when I told Him I probably wouldn’t See what He really looked like, He told me I was right… so we’ve agreed that I won’t look. I have this issue with forgetting things, and that came up, and he said that He planned on fixing that. He also said that He would be taking over my care for a little while. The Lord of the Greater Deeps explained to me that my Lady has given me to Him temporarily because of the Ice that separates. He said that things weren’t working right between me and the Morrighan, because I have too much Power and Knowledge, and, as I’ve repeatedly pointed out, anyone with enough Power and Knowledge has trust issues. With good reason. lol So… He said we need to Break the Ice… and then He said, fire thaws the frozen heart… awaken your fumaroles. And then He vanished, and so did the ocean, and there was just me.

I’ve been struggling with it for the last two hours. Whatever’s next isn’t going to happen until I get this done… and I suspect this is going to take a whole HELL of a lot longer than two frigging hours.

There was some pulsing momentarily, but then I lost it.

February 5

STILL TRYING, DAMMIT – Oh, and still absolutely totally messed up.

February 6

I go to my circle of stones. I cast an invoking pentagram of fire – the circle becomes a cut in the temple – I pull the chunk out and carefully lay it beside the campfire in the center of the dolmen circle – and the cut is a tunnel of black, a tunnel of void. I know it will lead nothing in, except what I have called. When three salamanders appear before me in the fire… I explain the problem to them… and they take me through the tunnel I have made, into the realm of fire.

I don’t remember who or what I spoke to. I don’t remember anything.

I remember returning to the dolmens and putting the chunk back, and mending the cut with a banishing fire pentagram. I know the three salamanders are still in my campfire. I remember thinking, as I drifted off to sleep, quite sadly, that I was disappointed, because Fire could not help.

In my sleep, I met Serenity and Tranquility. I looked at them both, and said, I don’t know what to do anymore. I reached out to Serenity i her gold and black, and said, “Please, please just HELP me.” She laughed at me, and said, Finally! I thought you’d never ask. Then she just… merged with me. I looked at Tranquility in his blue and white, and said, That was it, that’s all it took? Really? All this freaking time? He laughed. You always did overcomplicate things. I sighed. I suppose I’m supposed to do you both, then. He started moving towards me and I panicked… “Wait, I’m not ready for this!” It’s a bit late for that… you’ve already started.. you don’t want her in charge, do you. “No, no I totally do not.” *sigh* I looked at him, and admitted, I can’t do this on my own. “Please, please help me.” Three small words… but you have to mean them. You can’t say please help me, and mean, stand there and look pretty while I get irritated because you’re doing it all wrong, and then get the fuck out of my way while I do it myself. You have to really mean… I cannot control this, because I can’t do it myself, I just.. I need help. Please Help Me. So I looked at this man, this higher self that is me with his dove grey feathers and his blue and white aura, this man I hadn’t even known existed until two months ago… I looked at this man, and I admitted… I can’t deal with her without him. I said those words… and I meant them… and He drifted into me… and that was almost that.

And I looked into me, at those two shifting energies… and then I said one last thing… “Now kiss and make up!” And they blended like they’d never been separated… and the Power blew me awake.

My skin crawled with it. Itched. Scuttled. Shadow by a shadow be consumed…. and be made whole. :love2: :party:

Fell back asleep.

Met myself as a baby. She’s screaming and I’m watching as my parents, so totally involved in their own issues, can’t meet her/my needs. I’m in two places, I can feel what she feels. Abandoned. Needs not understood because their problems worry them more than hers.

I’m an adult. I have this deck… it represents my psychic ability… it’s the size of a Magick the Gathering collection – like, seriously, the deck is probably 6 inches thick. Each card has four pictures, one in each corner, and one main picture in the center of the card. The pictures move around – and all the pictures mean something different. They tell me things about the people. They tell me a lot. Each reading I do, the spreads are 15 card spreads. Just to show you how complex a reading I do cold, in my head, with every person I look at. Every time I touch a person psychically.

Sometimes, one of the corner pictures will be a blue question mark. The blue question marks MOVE… That is, sometimes a card will have one, and sometimes that same card will come up for someone else, and won’t have a question mark, or will, but in a different place on the card. The question marks hide demons… and no, I do not mean DA demons like what Akelta conjures. I mean those internal demons, problems. Issues. The ones that I drag out of people and help them face and destroy. I use the cards to find the demons, and then I do just that. I see the question marks, and then I open them up, and see what’s under them… they pop out of the cards, and then I beat them up, and I kill them for the person I’m reading. That’s my JOB.

Then I’m back to looking at baby me. She’s got ahold of the deck of cards. She’s collecting the cards… but she’s deliberately collecting cards with demons… and she’s collecting them not to kill them, or even to learn how… she’s collecting them to get attention. I take the cards away from her, and tell her NO, it’s not SAFE! She throws a temper tantrum, everyone’s always abandoning her, even I abandon her. She shows me ignoring her, sitting on my computer ALL THE TIME.

I apologise, and I promise her, I won’t ever abandon her. I promise her I will make her a necklace of garnet and mother of pearl to prove that I will always be hers and she will always be mine. (Garnet is fidelity and mother of pearl is my birthstone.) She promises never to play with the cards ever again, and flings her arms around my neck. There’s an overwhelming feeling of gratitude.

I wake up crying, but… I feel… different. I feel… OK.

My husband comes by to visit, and spends the night.

February 7

My husband wakes me up early, to tell me he’s leaving to go home to take care of the cats. Apparently, I cry and beg in my sleep for him not to go. My abandonment issues are raw and wide open and I cannot even pretend they do not exist anymore. He agrees to stay, and gratefully, peacefully, I tumble back into the void.

I wake with another migraine. There’s an M-class Flare and snow coming. I’m not sure whether I hate our sun or our planet more. I feel like a bobble head, and my mother’s entire house is made of glass – with four inches of snow on all sides, there is nowhere I can go that doesn’t send daggers through my eyeballs and into the back of my head.

My husband and I talk about everything that’s happened, and discuss the future of the business. He agrees to start letting me teach him how I do things, so he can start taking on some of the workload – FINALLY! He goes home to take care of the kittens, with the promise of coming back tomorrow.

Another cleansing bath.

Another trance.

Another deep cleanse. This time… I felt… I felt the edges of the multiverse reach out to me. Something beyond… what I’ve been working with so far. Something very delicate…

It starting pulling on my… strands… and it started putting them back in order.

Today I feel better. Today I woke up with a bit more energy.

And thirsty as fuck. But that might just be how dry the air is here…

Gods I hate fireplaces. Tomorrow, no matter how late my parents get home, my husband has sworn to take me home. I can’t take another day here. I need my nest. I need my place. I need MY space, my burrow, my wards and shields and territory.

I’ve done a lot here on my family land… and that’s good… but…

It’s time to go home.


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