Baby Steps – Finding My Footing

2/13

My skin is white as selenite. I glow like I’ve swallowed the moon, the sun, the stars. I am crystalline but unfaceted. Moonstone. Opal. Indescribable.

An inch off my skin, my aura begins, electric blue – the color of magick. It’s sky blue, cerulean blue, lightning blue, electric blue, cyan blue. It’s so impossibly blue, and I’m so impossibly bright and reflective, that my skin catches the hue of it, so you think that I am blue… but I’m not.

I have no hair. At first you think I have black zebra-like lightning stripes tattooed all over… and then you realize… it’s ACTUAL lightning… and it’s moving. It’s shifting.

I pull. I pull on that lightning, draw it inwards, into my heart, that blackness, that power, that indescribable… RIGHTNESS. It pulls into my heart, and the frenzy in me STOPS. FINALLY… finally I can REST.

Finally, I am silent.

Except that I am not. What storm ever is?

2/14
He comes to me. He is red with black hair. He is tall, well-muscled. He does not have horns, wings, a tail – despite the red skin. He’s not feathered. He doesn’t glow. He’s not wearing robes. Come to think of it, I have no idea what he’s wearing. He doesn’t have fangs or claws. If he’s got a flaming sword, he doesn’t bring it to work with him. He doesn’t process as guide or teacher or friend or foe or anything other than there, and we are working. He sets a task, and I do it. It’s a strangely automatic and unquestioned response, and yet… I have absolutely no issues with any of it. I don’t know what he is. He doesn’t have Presence. He’s just… himself. He does not have a feel of demon or angel or god or any other flavor that offers up a label. He simply Is. As I simply Am. Species is Irrelevant. Names are irrelevant. Everything is irrelevant except the Task.

He is Tech, and I am Subject if you want words… but when you choose the Edge… labels don’t exactly matter anymore. Appearances don’t count for much either. It’s interaction and information that matters. We’re starting at the beginning again, and he’s helping. Why are we doing baby exercises? Because last night, I burned my student accidentally with a lightning discharge through his phone. Admittedly, I was very tired. I got up yesterday morning at 7:30 AM after four hours of sleep. I worked with him until 11:30 at night… and then my soulsister called and we threw our ovaries at each other until 1am… and then I finally hauled my butt to bed… but I have sleeping troubles, so I didn’t ACTUALLY fall asleep until three… and I had to get up at 7 to see the doctor at 8 am this morning. So that’s 48 hours on 8 hours of sleep… for a girl who needs 10 hours a night. Exhausted doesn’t cover it quite. It’s still no excuse.

When you go up, sometimes you have to go back to Boot Camp, to get a handle on your new strength. It doesn’t normally take as long, because you already know what you’re doing – it’s really just… muscle training to help you not to throw your weight around so much… but it still has to be done so you don’t accidentally hulk out on your clients. Everyone who’s been practicing a certain amount of time and has experienced going up a bit knows this… and I should have remembered and been doing the baby exercises already. So… as I said… no excuse.

I’m exhausted. I just want to sleep, but he’s come to me, and he’s most insistent… and he’s right. So the first step is to stand in the Edge, and to center and ground, and calm my aura, and re-affirm that this is where I want to be. To solidify being Edge – because I’m still worried I’ll fall off – that I’ll fall into the Abyss where who knows what will happen next… or I might fall back into the old me, and crumple – and I don’t want either one. Second step is to get back to where I can control how much energy I use for whatever I’m doing. Third step is my daily fire meditation. Three tasks instead of one today. Yay. All I wanted to do was nap… but work comes first. *sigh*

So… I close my eyes, I calm my mind… and I settle into the Edge… and I promptly realize that all my recent feelings about falling to one side or the other are ridiculous. It feels so natural here. I’m not going to fall anymore. I made my choice. This is what I am. Before I pulled myself together last night, sure, I might have… but not anymore. I’m on the Edge between there and Everywhere… and I realize in that moment… I don’t actually have to fight to be there. It’s as natural as breathing. Cool. I’ll probably, with a few more days of just plain sleep and self-care (and I’ll always need this schedule of self-care, because everyone does, and I need to never neglect myself the way I did last year ever again) be ready to start work again. I’m fully healed, and I just need my brain to rest.

I should point out for those of you who might be confused that there are many Abysses. There’s the elemental Abysses – Sea (Water), Air (yeah, really – check out hurricanes and tornadoes sometime) Fire (Volcano), Earth (quakes and caves and maws oh my, honest). There’s the Abyss of Space, and countless others.. and then there is the OUTER ABYSS… beyond the Void… Beyond That Which Emanates This. There are some that try to cross it. There are whole paths dedicated to that. There are singularities in that Abyss – and you can pass through those, through the Eye of the Needle, meet the Gatekeeper, and if you can hold onto your hat, you can discover some fairly interesting things…

But I’ve always been less interested in following the rules and more interested in beating about the random shrubbery, so I didn’t worry about any of that stuff. You want to talk to a Gajillion-year old Gatekeeper with an attitude problem, be my guest. Most people don’t come back from that. I’ve got enough on my plate… and I’m not into sewing, anyway. Needles are creepy and I’m just not that skinny. Besides… power… really? You’re gonna go mad, for Power? I mean… why not go mad because it’s FUN. There are so much better reasons. The Gatekeeper is the very definition of NOT FUN.

Sorry… did I mention the ADHD? Yeah. Right. Where was I? Oh… The baby steps. 1) Edge. 2)… Ah… Lightning. Stop Burning My Friends. Right. Here we go. Back on track.

Anyway, the first thing I do is center and ground myself, and have a look at my aura, because I know I’ve been having a lot of surges lately… I’ve been REALLY ADHD, just all over the place. It’s starting to drive me a little nuts, tbh. See above. I did a little focusing on the lightning in my aura. I focus on what being able to pull lightning means – the symbolism behind it. I think about lightning, and how much power is running through me lately. I have a lot of juice, and that’s part of why I’m so… I hesitate to use the word manic, because it’s not that. I’m scattered, but I’m not manic. I’m just… my brain is fuzzy in some places, and so incredibly BUSY in others. So my intention was to pull on the lightning and… settle myself a bit more. Settle my energy, ground myself a bit. But to do that, I had to understand what exactly I was.

So I thought about the power, the energy. Lightning is, in essence, being all frequencies. Symbolically, it’s being pure energy – not any one element, but being all of them at once and yet still being none of them at all. It’s also being the scale – being able to be the big bang, or the smallest quark on the scale of vibration. Essentially… it’s chaos – void – creation and destruction in one tiny bottle. I had to feel out the whole scale, from the big all the way down to the very small… and once I knew I could get DOWN to that very small… then I was sure I wouldn’t hurt anyone else. I’ve now got it fine-tuned enough that I know no matter how much juice I CAN pull… I won’t burn anyone anymore.

So I FINALLY get around to starting my Fire meditation… and I’m in a pool of molten lava. It’s swirling… and then I realize that… that pool has a center. It’s a whirlpool. In the center, there’s a flash of Spirit. AND THEN I realize that there’s… flashes of other elements – that Fire is cycling into other elements.

And he’s there… and he tells me quite bluntly that until I can a) make the pool fill with each element, b) tune my aura to each element and then merge with each of the four elements in turn, c) fill the pool with all four at once and merge them together to create the fifth and merge with that fifth… and then d)from there, make the leap to pure energy, to pure consciousness, and merge myself with THAT…. I do not get to go to sleep.

It took me over an hour because I’m so tired and my ADHD and the lightning are both so distracting that my focus is just… gone. A baby exercise, but I’m just that scattered because of everything lately, so my focus is THAT bad. However, I did finally manage it… and I did get my nap.

I’m still tired as fuck, dammit.

However… I did discover yesterday that migraines now feel like tight skin and tingles, instead of pain… and that today, headaches can be dealt with by standing on the Edge, and just gathering a huge bolt of lightning and casting it at the singularity in the center of the Abyss. Apparently an energetic discharge releases the pressure. Cool. :)

I hate the fact that all the screaming pain I dealt with has officially boiled down to metaphysics. That is just plain rude.

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