Perfectionism

Nixx

Image result for ceremonial magic ritual

I am terrible at blogging. It is a simple reality I have come to accept. It is not that I do not like writing. I think it comes down to the fact that I am hypercritical of the content I put out. If it does not meet my standards, instead of editing, I scrap the entirety and stop writing for days, weeks, and sometimes months.

I am working on my issues with perfectionism. It is something I have struggled with my entire life. At first, I doubted this was the case because I constantly felt like a failure. It seemed like nothing I did was good enough. Instead of owning this as my own issue, I transferred it onto those around me who I assumed were demanding too much of me. Perhaps it developed out of the impossible expectations of my father and some of the other male figures in…

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Story Time: Past Life , Present Consequences

When I was around 20, I had a very troubling experience. Until today, I really never understood WHY it happened. This is going to be a long post, but – I want to tell this story. I’m not sure why, but I do.

To really understand why this event I’m going to talk about happened, I need to go back to both my childhood, and then I need to go much further back – which is why this will be a long journey – I hope you will be patient with me. I will also admit, up front, that some of what I will say will sound fantastical – especially if you do not believe in the new-age theory of Otherkin. I’m ok with you not believing. It has no impact on my perceptions of the facts.

But let’s start with this world, and we’ll get to the nuts and bolts of the stranger tides later.

The body I currently wear was born in New Zealand. In the very early 80s, America was going through one of the most extreme nursing shortages in its history. Even the shortages felt today are not as bad as they were back then. In desperation, companies began to hire nurses from other countries to try and fill the gaps in coverage, and they were willing to jump through any hoops necessary to incentivize foreign nurses.

Both my parents were nurses at the time, and because my father had recently left the ANZAC, and my mother had two very young children, and New Zealand did NOT have a shortage of nurses, both of them were having difficulty finding employment. New Zealand also did not have a very strong economy, so money was short, and they were worried all the time.

When Nurse Finders contacted them, both of them lept at the chance. Nurse Finders offered them a contract – NF would provide work visas, and put our entire family on the fast track for green cards and permanent resident status. In exchange, my parents would work for the company, go wherever the company needed them to go, for the next six years. The company would pay for us to move to America, and they would provide a sign-on bonus that would make sure that we could buy furnature, food, clothing – anything that would need to be replaced because it wouldn’t be coming with us. They also found us a place to live, and provided the capital to purchase reliable transportation.

After three days on a plane, we landed in Pine Bluff, Arkansas, where we would live for the next three years. My father worked in the emergency room, my mother worked in mother-baby – aftercare for women who needed training once their babies were born.

It was… well, a bit of a culture shock would be the understatement of the millenia. We went from living in pastoral farmland to a place that was at least partly desert – and we went from a village to a city that was rife with gang violence.

My father saw more gunshot and knife wounds in the first week on his new job than he saw in the three years he flew as med-evac in Viet Nam. It… left a lot of stains on his mind. To this day, my father has a terrible issue with racism – and it started with that hospital.

We stayed in Pine Bluff for nearly three years before Nurse Finders let them know that the hospital was well-covered now, and that there was another hospital with shortages which had contracted them to fill the positions. It was in Arlington, Texas – and my parents didn’t take two minutes to think about the move.

We stayed in what will forever in our family be termed the “roach motel.” The temporary apartment provided to us (while the new sign-on bonus was used as down-payment on a house in Fort Worth to be built in a new subdivision going up) was so full of roaches that they were in the plumbing, and in the fridge. To this day, roaches throw me back to my five-year-old self, and I want to cry, hide, and beat it to death with the nearest object handy, all at the same time. I am probably NEVER going to be able to be rational about roaches.

It was while we were in Texas, while my parents were working in the hospital in Arlington, that my mother made her first real friend. She’s a lot like me… she’s friendly, but she never makes the first move – so really, it was more that her first American friend decided for them that they would be friends, and my mother went along with it.

Rena had two children. I don’t remember the girl’s name – but I remember the boy. His name was Seth. Rena pretty much adopted my mother for the time we were in Texas, and made life much easier for my mother – Rena acted as a guide, a mentor, and a bridge, and helped my mother flourish in this new, and strange, land – something we ALL needed, desperately. Cut off from family and old friends, adrift in a sea of strange customs and language (and yes, you Americans have TRULY butchered the English language – for which I salute you), Rena gave us context, and helped us truly settle.

We stayed in Texas for ten years, while my father went to Med School to become a doctor, and my mother worked at the hospital and supported all of us. It was… nightmarish. Dad was never home, Mum was only home for breakfast – and two children who were eight and nine and had very little adult supervision (the neighbors were asked if they could be emergency contacts, and if they would check up on us occasionally – which resulted in them doing precisely NOTHING for us) were not very good at raising themselves or each other.

Eventually, though, dad finished medschool, and gained his internship, and we moved to California. Once he’d finished his internship and residency, my father signed on to the US Airforce as a doctor – his contract was six years in exchange for the USAF paying off his student loans in full. He became a citizen, and they moved us to Delaware… where I discovered a deligtful internet cafe (back then it was dial-up, but they had six computers, plenty of coffee and muffins, a D&D game running almost all night, people playing Spades in the opposite corner, VtM kids doing LARP on the cobblestones outside, and witches all over the place. It was like coming home.

And out of some strange twist of fate, Seth was at that coffee shop the first time I walked into it. It took less than 20 minutes for me to call my mother from the phone behind the counter, for her to call Rena, and for them to set a lunch date to catch up.

I didn’t like Seth. Truthfully I’ve never liked him, but our antipathy for each other seemed to have grown over the years – for no discernable reason – I hadn’t seen him in ten years, nor thought about him at all… but just the same, our mutual dislike was intense.

That didn’t change the fact that Rena and her children were family. We owed them a debt.

It wasn’t too long after I became reaquainted with Seth before things suddenly became truly dramatic. Not between Seth and I, but just the same. Seth was working, at the time, at a tuxedo shop, as a manager. There was another young man who worked there – his name was Pat.

Pat wasn’t liked at the coffee shop. I really have no idea why he kept showing up – except that he was an absolute social outcast, and the coffeeshop was absolutely the place for outcasts. He had a number of faults, but his true fall came because of greed. Gavin wanted Seth’s job. Everyone knew it… but there wasn’t much anyone could DO about it.

He somehow managed to become friends with the tuxedo shop’s owner – and eventually asked for a job. Seth was fired the next day. He walked in one morning, and without warning, his livlihood was gone.

The first thing he did was head to the coffee shop. He needed his friends. I think that within five minutes, every regular there knew what had happened, and we were all… So, SO angry. The undertones of a stirred up wasp’s nest were everywhere.

When Pat walked into the shop that evening, he walked into a mob. It took him less than a minute to decide to find a room with fewer of Seth’s friends around…

I read tarot at that store. Tarot, for me, requires low lighting and a little bit of privacy. Not much – a little distance, fewer people, goes a long way. At the time, I had an aura that gently nudged people with the idea that this room wasn’t terribly interesting – if I was reading, that is – which kept the traffic to a minimum. Pat escaped into MY room… and then he had the NERVE to ask, “What’s everyone so upset about?” I think it was the smirk at the end of his comment that really set me off.

I turned to him, and looked him full in the face… and suddenly, he couldn’t move. I could tell he was freaking out, but I was SO angry, I didn’t care. I sat there, pinning him with the force of my will, staring into him until the discomfort built to agony and he blurted out, “What are you LOOKING at?”

I smiled. It probably wasn’t a nice smile. “You. I’m looking at YOU.”

And then, he said the magic words. “What do you See?”

So I told him. In that small, dark room, surrounded by all the people who hated him, as trapped in the moment as I was, I laid him bare – I flayed him, peeling back layer after layer after layer. I told him about all the pieces of his broken soul, and how they came to be. I told him how he was perceived by other people, and why. I told him who he was, and I told him why. I told him about his mother and his childhood. I told him everything I saw. The world was dark, and only he existed, and I had him in my jaws, and because he asked, he had to hear, every bit as much as I had to speak – and I WANTED to speak. I wanted him to know. I wanted him to hurt. There was no right or wrong – there was only answering the question. Most times now, I can temper it when it happens – soften it.

But Gavin was the first person to trigger this particularly terrible gift in me – and I was angry when he did it, so I let the darkness take me, and I spoke with no gentleness, because he didn’t deserve it. He got someone who was my family (no matter my personal feelings about Seth, he IS family) fired – and he had the nerve to SMILE ABOUT IT.

When it was finally over, and we had both been released from it, tears pouring from his face, he ran. I never saw him at the coffee shop again.

It didn’t take too long for what had just happened to really sink in for me… and when it did, I was horrified. I was ashamed. Gavin wasn’t always a good person, but his life hadn’t really given him any opportunities to BE a good person, and while he was absolutely an adult and therefore responsible for his actions and the way they affected others, what I did was, in my eyes, deliberately cruel and a horrific mis-use of my gifts. I didn’t even stop to hear his side of things. I let my anger use me, and he paid the price.

Until today, I carried that shame. I worked really hard to either prevent people from asking that question, or I worked really hard to be as delicate as I could be when it was too late, and whoever had asked had taken the choice from me.

Two years after this first incident, I ran into Pat while he was working at the local walmart. He looked like a completely different person, but I knew right away who he was. I was still so ashamed of my behavior, I tried to turn the other way before he saw me. I didn’t know what to say, didn’t know how meeting him after that horrible night would go, so I panicked… but he’d already seen me, and was walking towards me. All I could think was – whatever happens, I deserve it. It was an accident, but I could have held back, and I didn’t.

“Hi, Raven.”

“Uhh… Hi?”

“Do you remember me?”

“Ummm… no?” Maybe if he really thought I didn’t remember him, he’d give up and go away and that would be that.

Except…

“It’s me, Pat. From the coffee shop.”

Well, shit. “Ahh. Hi. It’s been awhile.”

“Yeah. Well… I wanted to thank you.”

My eyes got really wide… “You… what?”

“You were the first person to ever tell me the truth… and it changed my life. Because of you, I’m a better person. I’m who I want to be, now… and I’m happy. So… Thank you.”

He tried to hug me. I kid you not, this crazy person that I had essentially psychically violated in the worst, most morally reprehensible way possible, was HUGGING ME. It was like… some weird one night Stockholme syndrome thing.

I awkwardly patted him on the back, said a few cliched congratulatory comments, and then he went back to work… and I very carefully walked out of walmart, deciding that I really didn’t need soap that bad.

For most of my life since then, I have dreaded someone saying those words. I never know what will come out once they’re said. Sometimes, it’s a kindness. Sometimes, it’s brutal. Sometimes I can mitigate. Sometimes.

But today, I finally understand why this ability exists. Why it’s triggered by that particular question.

Which brings me to a past life so long ago, so far away, that distance and time are absolutely irrelivant.

Once upon a time, there was a winged cat. I was fast, I was strong, I was just. I had a tribe. I had an sister with a new litter, whom I doted on, as I had no cubs of my own. I had a village, and every life there was precious to me. I led, I followed, I loved, I provided, I defended. My family, my village, was everything to me.

Until one day, it wasn’t.

I was a member of my world’s police force. While I was off planet, the being that I hunted found my home. To this day, I can remember a scene so horrible that I cannot give words to it. The thing that truly destroyed me was my sister’s cubs, caught hiding in my den by the beast. Looking down at their little bodies, knowing they had gone to the home of the one person they were sure would save them, knowing that I had failed them. Failed them all.

I found the monster who had destroyed my world. I hunted him down… and then I became the butcher… but there is a price for every action. While it was determined that I wasn’t precisely sane, and therefore I would suffer no consequences for my actions, the very fact that I was so unstable made continuing my chosen carreer impossible.

After being released from service, I began to wander. I think I was looking for wonder – something to spark me, bring me back to life. It was a dark time… and as all people going through such times, I was not as aware of the worlds around me as I should have been.

And then I met HIM. He was so powerful. He was charismatic. It felt like the answer to everything was in his eyes. For the first time in so long, I felt like I’d come home. He was passionate, he was an intellectual, he was vibrant and rash… and when he smiled, I felt like flying again.

I took the Familiar vows – I’ve always been a good amplifyer, so it felt like the Call from him was destiny. I had met my soul mate.

It should have been beautiful… but we were so unequal.

I don’t remember much about my time with him – it was the ending that really stayed with me. I know that I felt him slipping. I know that I ignored the signs – something a familiar is absolutely not to do – but I loved him, and it blinded me. I made excuses. I looked the other way.

And then, in one single moment, everything changed.

We stood on a planet, and he raised the sun. He changed a solar system… and he did it just because he could. He was showing off to me. I watched that sun in absolute horror – I watched him smile as he destroyed the worlds around us – and I knew. Billions of people snuffed out because a madman wanted to impress the being that brought him to that height.

I didn’t think. I ran. I didn’t stop running – and he didn’t stop chasing. I was his, and he was destroying everything in his path to find me. Whole universes collapsed in his search for me – in his madness he couldn’t stop – and in my terror, neither could I.

Eventually, though, the destruction and the losses were so great, my guilt and shame at abandoning my duty to him, and my horror at what he continued to do, became too much for me to bear. I went to the Library for help, and I struck a bargain. They would give me the knowledge I needed, and I would end his life (and my own).

However, there was a greater price to pay. I had wronged the multiverse. I hadn’t seen the warning signs… and when they grew too great to ignore, instead of doing what needed to be done, according to my vows, I ran – and there were so many dead at my feet from that failure, there will never be an end to the debt.

When I finally caught him, when I finally ended him, when I went to my rest, I went knowing my task had only just begun.

Five little words – and they hold such power over me. I had once refused to see – ignored what was right in front of me. I owe the dead – so when someone says those words, I have no choice. The shadows come, and my mouth speaks the truth. I say what I see. I say what they need to hear – and when I speak of these things, they must listen.

Never again will I be permitted to willfully shun my duty – and never again will those I run across who have even the slightest potential towards power addiction escape my words.

I got off lightly.

So… that’s a past life memory – and the consequences.
-Raven

9th Sunrise, January 20, 2018

Today’s sunrise was both successful and not.

I’ve been away for a week – I managed to get two sunrises in this week before today’s, but honestly, things have been a bit crazy, and I’ve been really struggling, so I just didn’t get them written up. The other four sunrises, I slept through.

Today’s sunrise, I got to listen to the wheet wheet peeps of the baby sparrows in the eves. I got to watch two tiny flocks of sparrows vanish into the field in front of the apartment… and I got to tell my husband that I really like to think about there being a “bird portal” there, because of how the birds always vanish before they land. It makes me laugh to think such whimsical thoughts.

I did not see any crows, or hear them this morning.

My husband, who was up most of the night (he’s still working nights for another three weeks), joined me on the porch with a beer. I was drinking chai. The scent of his beer occasionally wafted towards me, and it smelled like a very yeasty bread dough, and made me think I’d like to do some baking soon.

My husband was part of why I felt that this sunrise wasn’t a COMPLETE success. For one, he was running the car below us the entire time. Our Honda’s dashboard computer has a short in it, which causes it to continuously drain the battery even when the car is off, which means that if we don’t run the car for at least ten to fifteen minutes twice a day, we can’t start the car without a jump. Because of how much it will cost to fix the issue (it is a known issue, but requires replacing the entire dash console and computer and then programming the new computer, which is a difficult and time-consuming job and therefore not only parts-expensive, but also time-expensive), running it twice a day is the cheaper option right now. The other issue is that my husband has severe tinnitus, and because of this, he doesn’t cope well with long periods of silence. We would be silently contemplating the horizon, and I would JUST start sinking into the experience, when he would suddenly start talking, and throw my concentration out the window.

HOWEVER – The horizon was full of those cirrus clouds that are so fabulous at making a sunrise SPECTACULAR – and this one was DEFINITELY all that.

There were the usual mauves and purples around the edges, which slowly changed to so many oranges and reds and flames and yellows and baby turquoises, and greens and blues… I just don’t have words to name all the colors we saw this morning. It was absolutely glorious.

Even better was the energy I felt. Today, I felt the world SHIFT, felt the ENERGY shift. Even now, an hour later, I can still feel the way the energy is moving and how different it was from before dawn, and during dawn, and at the moment the sun rose. I also felt that… pause that comes right before the sun crests, where you can literally see the energy drawing back towards the horizon like the undertow of a tsunami, as if the universe breathes inwards, deeply… and then holds its breath for nearly ten minutes before that breath of power and energy and light floods back out into the world in a gigantic smashing wave, and then for another hour or so, you get little ripples over and over, like shivers over your aura and into your skin.

I haven’t felt that in five years.

I’m still working on reintegrating my senses, but clearly, I have taken yet another step forward in the process, and I am overjoyed at this newly-rediscovered sensitivity.

8th Sunrise, Sunday the 14th of January

This morning’s sunrise was… a bit of a disaster, honestly.

On the up side, I got to share it with my husband.

On the down side… I got to share it with my husband.

It was cold. He didn’t want to be outside. I forgot, because he’s very distracting, bouncy and all over the place which disorganizes me mentally, that it was Sunday, and so had to rush inside and prepare for my ritual with my Patron… and my darling husband kept talking and moving and just generally shot my concentration to pieces every two seconds… and he hates the smell of frankincense…

Today, I’m going back to bed to try and reset my brain after all that.

I’ve realized, I’ve gotten used to my sunrises being MINE. My quiet time, my moment… which I am EXTREMELY jealous of.

 

On to my brief five senses exploration of the morning. This morning smelled of smoke, with a faint chemical after-tang, so people have been burning wood for heat again. I heard a couple of crows, quite far away, and enough of the peeper bird that I’m almost ready to say what kind of bird it is. I didn’t see any of my bird friends, but the sky was lovely, all copper and fire and rich red rose, fading into white and deep, dusky blues. The sun rose very quickly, and there was no wind, so while it was cold, it wasn’t unpleasantly so. My cheeks and ears and nose were unburned. Emotionally, I was… a bit strained. Disordered. My husband was rather grumpy – he thought we were going to watch the sunrise from inside, and when I tried to explain that you cannot experience a moment without being IN IT, he was a tad bit… miffed. I was unable to fully connect with the moment at all until he’d left the porch, and by that time I was so all over the place, and then I suddenly realized it was Sunday, and…

No connecting with the energies of the moment at all this time.

However, I consider this a valuable experience, and tomorrow, which I also plan to share with my husband, will not go as badly.

-Raven

7th Sunrise, Saturday the 13th of January

Today was clear, and very cold. So cold that I could not smell anything at all. The wind has died down – now it is only an occasional gust, just to remind us of the knives in its keeping.

The crows were very busy this morning. The sudden freeze has left them many meals, and they were shouting their celebrations to the world, thanking Winter for the bounty. I’m pretty sure I also heard gueese, but I did not see them. I also heard the peeping – it’s no longer coming from above the door to our complex, though. It seemed to be coming from much futher away. I didn’t get to see any birds mysteriously vanishing above the field across from me today, but I think I got to see the bat again. The dart-shaped bird was not in evidence, nor were any sparrows. I’m worried about them.

The traffic was light. The sky was cloudy enough to do a sunrise justice, but not cloudy enough to hide the sliver of the old moon – no longer wide enough to be a Cheshire moon, She will be New again, soon. I heard two planes flying – I don’t think it was the air force today. They sounded like twin engine planes, probably from the local airport. It’s a good day to fly.

The sunrise started with a stunning contrast of dusky blue grey clouds with brick red highlights. The clouds themselves were art – closer to the horizon, they were arcus clouds, crashing waves rolling up into the sky. They morphed into creamy golden feathers, airy wisps of cirrus. Finally, the dome of the sky was smothered in altocumulus, scattered and pocked with grey and ruby and gold.

In the very center of it all, a cumulonimbus cloud rose in firey glory, collecting the shades of lavender, wine, and buttery gold in one place, so that all that mauve and magenta had to share the rest of the horizon, drowning in airy whites and yellows. That tower of brick red, blood red, stood tall above the ambulance bay across the street, and as it grew in presence and deepened colors, the world seemed to move to the background, the silence of the portent swallowing every sound and movement.

It was hypnotizing.

Finally, the sun rose, and put all these dark moments away. The cold air allowed that fiery golden orb to swallow all the red, all the grey, even much of the blue… until all that was left was unapproachable light, the palest blue sky, and all those portentious clouds stripped of their grandure until they were only a pale, white presence, all gravitas gone.

And so, once again, the light rises, and we sigh in relief, safe from the monsters of the night. Isn’t it the most perfect illlusion?
-Raven

6th Sunrise, Friday the 12th of January

Well… today was… brutal. I didn’t stay out for more than a minute. Right now, it’s -9 C outside (16 F), and the wind is stalking around the building, digging its claws into every soft, warm surface it can, biting and cutting its way through the world.

I really do love the air, after a good snow storm, though. Even though we didn’t get much accumulation, the air is so crisp, so clean. This morning, there’s hardly any traffic on the roads, and beyond that quietude, there is another, subtler silence – the sound of animals gone to ground, to wait out the weather and see who survives.

The sky is gunmetal grey, solid – not even that hint of mauve – and even that hunting wind does not move the clouds.

It is as if I am alone on an island of icy breezes.

Even the grasses bend to the weather today, their dried out stalks kneeling and creaking. Occasionally they rise up, only to perform another salutary bow in a new direction, a wave of worship to the wind.

It was only a moment, before my cheeks were burning and the tip of my nose, numb. I scurried back inside as quick as I could, while still appreciating my moment of peace – thank goodness for hot cocoa. Today is definitely the day for it.

Inside, though. Definitely better served inside.
-Raven

5th Sunrise, Thursday the 11th of January.

Today, it’s finally actually raining, as opposed to misting. It was 14 C (47 F), and it’s expected to get to 17 (62), and then it will plummet to -9 (-15 F) by 3pm. The rain on the ground is expected to freeze very quickly, and any precipitation following will be ice, and eventually snow. Because it’s raining, they cannot treat the roads with salt – the roads have to be dry to pretreat them, so we’re expecting tonight to be a very loud night – the new ambulance bay across the street became operational on Monday.

The wind is quite brisk, and very warm. It was absolutely lovely. I’ve managed, finally, to collect some rain in my jars, so even if I can’t find the lancets, I will at least have fresh rainwater to offer on Sunday.

I really love wet, windy days, because you can truly see the many layers of the sky, and the different speeds of wind within those layers. Watching lower clouds, dark with rain, scuttle across the sky so quickly, while higher clouds are more ponderous and somber, I can actually BE the wind. It’s like a clear night, when you can see the multiple layers of stars, and you can feel yourself falling upwards, ever so small, but still a part of everything in this three-dimensional reality we call life – only instead of falling upwards, I feel when I watch the clouds race against the sky that if I just could jump a little higher, I could get swept up into the race, floating forever.

I truly envy the birds their freedom.

Speaking of birds, I’m slowly becoming more convinced that the constant morning peeping is a nest in the eaves above the front door to our complex. I got to see a flying something that might have been a bat (they flap. A lot), and I got to see another bird launch towards the ground, and promptly vanish. I’m almost positive there’s some kind of mysterious bird portal that I can’t see, and that’s why they keep vanishing in the field that’s 20 feet from my porch.

The crows were invisible, but they did call out a morning greeting. As the sound came from behind my building, I suspect lunch was somewhere in the direction of the dumpster, but considering we’re heading into a deep freeze that will last over a week, I don’t begrudge them the scraps they might find there.

I stayed out long enough to get smacked in the face with a lot of water, and for my ears to decide they were icicles. I even took a few moments to carry each of my cats outside, to hold them in my arms and let them sniff the winds, which everyone appreciated (even Cleo, who was nervous and had to be chased down to get her chance). I might actually start doing that every day. Well… every day it’s not below freezing, that is.

Also – hot apple cider is absolutely the perfect beverage to pair with a weatherish kind of morning.
-Raven

4th Sunrise, Wednesday the 10th of January

Today was a busy thinking sunrise. Again, the world was grey with only a tiny hint of mauve which quickly vanished. I got to hear the peeping of the birds again, saw the same mystery bird flying off and doing its strange vanishing trick. A single, VERY large crow visited, chattered for a bit about the meal he’d found, and then flew off again.

The traffic was a little heavier today, and because the roads were wet, there was a lot more shushing of tires. I got to smell baking sugars this morning, but the chemical afterscent of oil – both cooking oils and road oils, made it less sniffy than usual.

Before the roads got so busy that the chemical smells started, though, the air was so pure. I love the smell of the air after it’s been raining a while. It was still misting – not raining, but there was enough water moving in the air that you could feel the finest drops touching you everywhere. The railing on my balcony was damp, and the water felt lovely. It’s strange to have such a warm rain in January. Especially considering that in two days time, we’re expecting another freeze and some snow. It was 40 degrees F this morning, quite balmy considering the weather last week.

I could feel the earth thinking about spring, which worries me. It’s too early. I hope we don’t have any blossom die-offs again this year. Missouri winters are just so unpredictable.

I had the idea, while sitting out in this very unseasonable damp, that perhaps a “Break the Back of Winter” ritual might be appropriate soon. I’m thinking that sometime during the first week of February, I might create such a ritual… and I’m thinking that Asmodeus is going to be a part of it. I can feel Him in the back of my mind, rubbing His hands in pleasure at the thought of such a ritual.

Perhaps He wants a holiday of His own.

How was your own sunrise? Were you inspired, too?

3rd Sunrise, Tuesday the 9th of January

Well, today I didn’t make it all the way till sunrise… but I did have a really wonderful experience. Sunrise is about 7 minutes away, but one of my neighbors was leaving for somewhere, and his car made a lot of noise, and the fumes were a bit hard to take. I also noticed this morning that one of my other neighbors has not been policing their dog’s… leavings… so I got to experience that odor this morning, too.

However, on the positive side, today’s sunrise came with another dense fog, though not nearly as thick as yesterday. Today’s misty morning clouds were low enough to give all the street lights halos, but not so thick that I couldn’t see the trees in the distance.

The cloud cover is still too thick for the sun to really make a showing – there was a brief appearance of pale mauve across the horizon, but quickly melted back into the grey. The light seemed to pulse from the sky in waves, which was something new and lovely to experience.

I got to listen to the peep peep wheet sounds of those mysterious hidden birds again… and I saw the darting shape of the same bird I saw yesterday. I’m also fairly sure that I heard the sound chhrr of a sparrow out there in the distance – but with all the metal sounds from the traffic, I may have mistaken it. The crows did not put in an appearance today, nor did they call out to say hello.

I did get a very special treat I haven’t had in a very long time. While I still can’t quite FEEL the land and animals around me… I am starting to SEE things again. Today, the air was full of lightning sparks, arcing everywhich way, sheet lightening from atom to atom… and the earth rippled, power like heat waves rolling over her skin, causing the ground to breathe and writhe. I could almost feel it reaching out to me, could almost feel our connection again. It was truly, breathtakingly beautiful.

Second Sunrise, Monday the 8th of January

Today I didn’t get a sunrise, I got FOG. The clouds were so thick, I could not see from my balcony to the cars below it in the parkinglot. All the traffic along the damp roads made shushing sounds as people drove through town. The lights from the local McDonalds made rainbow becons through the mists.

Above me, on the roof I think, were the sounds of some kind of bird. “Wheet, wheet, wheet.” Once, I heard half the call of another bird, one whose call is SO familiar to me, but which I cannot identify at all. It was like listening to liquid light.

Every now and then, I could smell the sweet, spicey scent of frankincense rising off my robe, reminding me of all that I’m working on right now, and making the morning even more sacred.

Twice, I heard military jets flying overhead. They love to fly when the cloud cover is thick – this morning was perfect for them. I can imagine the flyboys and girls, up above the clouds, glorying in their freedom as the sun shines down on their wings and the clouds, making a world of rainbows for them to dance in.

While the sun never truly peaked out from under the cover of the heavy fog, the light steadily increased, as did the warmpth. My downstairs neighbor came out to enjoy the morning as well. He used to be a farmer, and we got to talking about being able to watch the seasons change – how much a part of the cycle you feel, how much a part of the world you feel, as you watch the small day-to-day changes.

Over all of this experience was the soft, moist air, warmer than it’s been in a month. There was no wind, and no real rain – but there was enough mist to cause the gutters to steadily drip, and I found both my breath and my heartbeat joining in the rhythm. I could feel that patterned beat sinking into my muscles, my nerves, my psyche, relaxing me completely.

Last night, I’d put out a few jars, hoping to catch some rain water for Lord Paimon, but unfortunately, while the fog was thick, the roof caught most of the condensation, and the jars were dry. I’ll have to wait for a proper rain.

How was your sunrise?
-Raven

First Sunrise, Sunday the 7th of January

My Sunday sunrises are dedicated to time with Paimon, so today’s sunrise was viewed through the window in my ritual room. Because it was so overcast (we have a winter storm coming in), my sunrise was nothing more than a smear of magenta beneath the clouds. The pre-dawn light rapidly became daylight today, as if the world was in a hurry to wake.

After my morning devotional ritual to Paimon, I made myself a cup of hot cocoa and went and sat on the porch. It was about twenty minutes after sunrise, and while the world was definitely up and moving, there were still a few pleasant moments.

For one, there is a lovely wind today – oddly warm, while still being nippy, it charged up the side of my building and into my secluded little nook, before racing around the corner and wailing between the two buildings. I really love it when the wind is so excited, as it rushes ahead of a really good storm.

There were only two crows this morning who joined me for my morning moments, but there was also another bird, I think perhaps a starling, though that would be surprising as they’re migratory birds, but it flew by scooping its wings and pushing, so that it was for a moment bird shaped, and then only a slightly plump line with a long straight tail. It was only a little smaller than the crows, but watching it move like a dart through the air so joyfully made me smile. The crows, of course, called to one another as they flew by – but the other bird was quite silent.

The air smelled crisp and clean. I didn’t get to smell any of the nearby restaurants and their morning baking. We live in a very small town, so a lot of places are closed on Sundays, but I did miss the smell of baking sugars and coffee on the wind.

The sounds of the wind through the trees, across the grasses, and between the buildings, was a steady hiss with the occasional creek and groan, and once or twice, a howl. The traffic was light and distant, the sounds of the cars, and I think a trailer loading up, a pleasant background to my steady breathing.

Despite the storm on its way, the world felt calm. There are times when, before a really good winter storm, you can feel the whole world pausing. Animals huddle in their burrows, wondering if they’ll make it through, people rush off to the stores to pick up the strangest supplies in their sudden instinctual grab for comfort foods, before they, too, retreat to their homes to hide. There’s often a sense of waiting, with an edge of panic. I have always called it Snow Fear, because there’s no better description.

Though we are expecting both ice, sleet, and snow today and into tonight, there is no Snow Fear to be felt, so I know that today’s winter storm will be neglible in its effects.

I sat outside in my favorite pajamas, socks, and robe. They’re all super fluffy and soft, and so very warm that I don’t normally wear them inside, but for early winter mornings, they’re pretty perfect, so I got to snuggle in my soft, fuzzy, comforting clothes, sipping hot cocoa, feeling the wind nip at my skin. It was a wonderful start to my 100 days.

How was your own sunrise?

-Raven

Sunrise Challenge – 100 Days

Starting tomorrow morning, I will be challenging myself to an Awareness Exercise. Every day, for 100 days, I will be present as the sun rises, and afterwards, I will write down my thoughts and feelings, and my sensory observations during the experience.

If any of you would like to join me in the challenge (or do 100 Sunsets, if that’s better for your schedule), please feel free! I would love to hear about your own experiences as we go forward together… and honestly, the more people who are participating and sharing, the more we can all support each other!

See you tomorrow morning!


-Raven

Handy Links For Empaths in Trouble

Empathic Auras

So if you can pull in your aura, then ground, that should help the most. Once you’ve reigned in your aura and grounded, then you can do a very simple cleanse. Eventually, you will want to work on your chakras, because empaths are MADE, through trauma and abuse. Empathy is a natural ability of all humans, but empaths who are as sensitive as you are develop it as a defensive mechanism against harmful situations. Having your aura spread out so wide allows you to be prepared. It’s a form of hyper-vigilance.

So, about cleansing. Once you have your aura contained, and you’ve grounded, I would suggest that you go for a walk in a place where there aren’t a lot of people (I like to walk after dark, or take a hiking trail). While you are walking, just focus on breathing the fresh air, the stillness and the silence. Let the greenness of the world, or the whiteness/darkness if you’re walking in winter or at night, let the weather and the season just sort of recharge you as you breathe it in.

Finally, a bare-bones method is simply to visualize a ball of white light as large as your aura (for most people this is three feet wide, for you it’s probably considerably larger which is why I don’t suggest doing this until you’ve got your aura reigned in) coming down through you from the sky, and a second one coming up through you from the earth. See these balls as collecting all the muck as they go, and as the ball from the sky enters the earth below you, and the ball from the earth enters the sky above you, see the earth and sky absorb those balls and the negativity they’ve removed from you.

Also, this article will be helpful for you. Crystals for Aura Protection

Eventually you WILL have to work on your chakras; the why is handily explained in this article: How Abuse Affects Our Chakras

Also this one: What Blocks Our Chakras and Why

And this one: And this one: Understanding Your Chakras

Here are links to what I’ve written about chakras in the past.

What About the OTHER Chakras

Chakra Lessons: Cleansing

Purification Ritual for Cleansing and Clearing the Chakras

I was an empath once. I don’t recommend the way I had to go to stop it, but I remember what it was like, so whenever I see anyone having difficulties, I feel like it’s my duty to share what I know about it.

-Raven

On Blood Magick

What type of working are you doing during your menses? In the cases where you are NOT one of those women who feel drained, sick, in pain, or any of the other uncomfortable symptoms, menses casting can be EXTREMELY powerful… but once done, they cannot be UNdone.

http://everymagicalday.wordpress.com/2011/08/10/blood-magick-a-blood-spell/

http://www.luckymojo.com/bodyfluids.html

http://wolf.mind.net/womens/menses.htm

http://www.arcane-archive.org/religion/hinduism/yoga/tantra/neo-tantra/the-ritualistic-importance-of-menstruation-and-menstrual-blood-2.php

These should get you going…

The Unwritten “Laws” Of Magick

So, one of the things that I probably haven’t written about yet here are the so-called unwritten laws of magick.

One of those laws is that your subconscious is the one that takes the energy you give to a spell, and seeds the universe with that. Know Thyself isn’t just pretty words… it’s important to understand your deeper self, and your intimate motivations, because yes, absolutely, they will interfere with a spell’s effects.

For example – when I was younger, I wasn’t financially stable. If I got into a tight spot, I’d cast a spell for money. In return for my energies and hopes, I’d get…

1) A ten dollar note under my foot on my way to work… which was monopoly money
2) A whole ton of pennies showing up everyfreakingwhere.

I did NOT get the amount I needed… or if I did, it ALWAYS cost me later. It was always one step forward, twelve steps back.

Another example – when I was a very young adult, I had the usual illusions about love. I cast a few “my perfect partner” spells… and someone always came along… and it was always awful. The issue was that because I didn’t believe myself worthy of love, I attracted, with my spell, people with similar issues, or issues that would exacerbate my own.

If you do not have a clear, focused, pure intent, then yeah… your spells will go badly. If you find yourself feeling doubts, fears, or having thoughts that are counter to the result you are seeking… STOP CASTING. Deal with the emotional and mental issue you’re having. Take the time to understand who you are, and where your thoughts and feelings are coming from, and take the time to nurture yourself into a healthier state. THEN go back to casting, with better focus.

Casting while fearing bad things will happen, or fearing the worst, will imbue your magick with those fears, and draw their realization into the physical for you to deal with consciously. It is absolutely dangerous if you’re not ready for it – and normally it’s counter to your actual needs of the moment. There ARE times when that should be your intent – when you’re feeling ready to deal with an issue, using magick to force it into a physical shape so that you CAN deal with it, can be very healing…

But doing it accidentally is… highly unpleasant at best.

There is absolutely a difference between “mind” and “astral” but it takes practice to learn the difference. The difference is essentially that one is internal, and the other external. Astral is EVERYWHERE. You’re in it right now. With focused intent, you can use your “mind” to shape the astral. It’s like… the mind is a muscle, and astral is the dough that you are shaping into whatever you want to bake back into reality.

If you picture an object in your mind, it’s a picture in your mind. Someone else with specific psychic skills might be able to see the object in your mind, but if you don’t do more than PICTURE something, it’s not created… YET. The ability to turn something from a picture in your head into an actual astral reality (and eventually a physical effect) requires energy and intent. You can get energy from practice, or you can get it from emotions in the moment. The stronger you feel about the imagery you’re creating, the more likely it will become an astral projection rather than just something in your imagination. Emotions, when you’re just starting, are the easiest source of energy to create a real effect which can be shared with someone else.

With the exercise I wrote, we use physical energy to create the astral imprinted spell, and we shape that energy with visualizations – the whole exercise is set up to avoid emotional overlay because that way lies dragons. Your emotions are not stable – we almost never feel only one emotion, and most of the emotions we’re not aware of in the moment are negative ones… which means that even the happiest moment is tainted by something underneath which we do not voice. Using emotion to power most spells is thus inherently untrustworthy if you want positive results. If you’re specifically raising anger or pain as an energetic bus for your spell, then yeah, emotion will do the trick.

The reason I start out with having people familiarize themselves with their own energy, as opposed to any other form of energy, is because if you know your own energy, when communication happens, if it’s not you, you’ll be able to recognize it because it will not have your own flavor to it. Until you know yourself and your energy well enough, there is absolutely a danger of misinterpreting your own thoughts as those coming from outside you. The longer you’re here on this forum the more you’ll see people who are confused by this. The ego (and I’m not talking about inappropriate confidence, but the psychological concept of an ego) is full of flaws, and when you start working with metaphysical stuff, all those flaws are going to become bigger. If you have a really negative ego, that’s going to end up being interpreted as an attack. There’s this issue with people who come to the metaphysical world seeking a magickal resolution to all their problems… and that is that the metaphysical world is the real world magnified. Whatever your problems are, adding magick to it will magnify them. The “prime directive” of magick is KNOW THYSELF – because if you know yourself, warts and all, then you can control what parts of you get magnified into the physical world, and which parts you keep from becoming monsters under your bed.

Honestly, though, the only way to avoid this particular pitfall is practice… and the willingness to deal with the fallout of being exposed and magnified. If you want to deal with magick, even if it’s only second-hand by having someone else do things for you (cast spells, conjure spirits, whatever), then you HAVE to be willing to face yourself, the worst parts of yourself… you have to be willing to be accountable for where you are in life. Magick does NOT fix problems… it exacerbates them into the physical so that YOU can fix them. It’s all about personal responsibility… and if you don’t want to take responsibility for where you are in life, then it will absolutely blow up in your face.

I see a lot of desperate people come to magick as their last ditch effort. So much in this world is unfair and ugly and overwhelming, and people don’t always have perspective. Many people who come to magick lack maturity in their emotional responses to trouble. While we can’t stop the world from turning, we absolutely do have power over how we respond to downward momentum… and if you’re stuck in a negative spiral of thought, magick is not something you should be touching. It could ALWAYS be worse.

So… the best way to avoid the issue of being bullied by yourself is to stop bullying yourself. And don’t touch magick until you’re done using yourself, or anyone/anything else as a scapegoat.

The second best is to practice with your own energy, over and over, until you know when it’s you, and when it’s not.

If you are working with energy at the time that you have unwanted thoughts coming up, you can absolutely cast those thoughts without meaning to.

One of the first exercises a magician practices is that of mental control, an exercise designed to improve your ability to focus, as well as exclude unnecessary thoughts. It’s a deceptively simple exercise.

Take five minutes and let your mind run rampant. At the end of the five minutes… write down every thought you had during that five minutes. Practice until you have perfect recall.

Take five minutes and hold only one thought. Practice until you can hold one thought, and only one, for the full five minutes.

Take five minutes and have no thoughts. Practice until no intrusions happen for a full five minutes.

Always create a detailed record of your progress. This will show you where your weaknesses are, and help you determine how to fix them.

-Ed Fitch, A Grimoire of Shadows

You can see how simple it sounds… and I’m sure you can figure out how difficult it is to actually do. For me, because I have ADD, it was pretty much impossible. I had to find workarounds for it.

I found that giving my mind something to do allowed me to focus. In the same way that someone with ADD can zone into a book or videogame and have absolutely NO clue what else is going on around them, if I turn on music or if I create a mental journey for myself, I can have that same level of focus. When I’m working magick, I can be so focused that the roof could cave in and I wouldn’t notice – but only because when I’m working magick, I am actively DOING something.

Another way you can work on your focus is meditation. You can use music to give your brain something to chew on while you dig into the trance state, or you can use guided meditations, if focus is a huge issue for you.. but the biggest asset of daily meditation is getting to know yourself, so it’s actually better to pay attention to your thoughts at that time. You have to learn to listen to yourself, if you’re ever going to help fix the issues you have with yourself or the wider reality.

The issue with magick is that people don’t do daily psychological maintenance. They don’t meditate. They don’t journal. They ignore themselves and focus on the external world… and problems build up. Magick is the manipulation of the internal to MAKE it external… which means if you’re not aware of the internal, magick will make you aware…

And in highly creative, but honestly painful ways.

-Raven

On Creating Consequence Free Spells

All magick is the manipulation of energies, the imprinting of those energies with ideas, and then the manifestation of those ideas into reality.

Magick is essentially neutral. Intent CAN be neutral, or not, but magick itself is absolutely neutral, in the same way that light and gravity are absolutely neutral.

However, humans interpret magick as being polarized when the EFFECTS occur. So it’s not a spell that’s white arts or black arts or dark arts or whatever you want to call it… it’s the consequences.

If you want neutral consequences, don’t do magick, because that’s counter to what magick IS… magick is the art of taking energy and making it have consequences, and NO consequence is neutral in the human perspective. You’re ALWAYS going to see magickal effects realized as either positive or negative. Humans think in highly personal ways. “Do I like this effect, or does it feel bad?” If it feels bad to you, even if it doesn’t feel bad to the rest of the world, you label those consequences as dark. If it feels bad to a lot of people, then a lot of people label it as bad. Someone not affected, or affected in a positive way, will label the exact same spell as good.

There’s no such thing as a spell that has an effect in the world that is neutral in execution. Someone, somewhere, is going to have feelings about the results.

Any magickal spell can be used for either white arts or dark arts purposes. It’s the intent that makes that so.

If you cast a spell with the intent to have flexible outcomes that might or might not impact others in a perceived by them negative way, then you’ve intentionally cast a dark arts spell.

If you cast the same spell with the intent to have a static outcome that does not impact anyone in any way that could be perceived as negative, you’ve intentionally cast a white arts spell.

It’s not the spell that changes. Its your intent. If you want to create a spell that can do both, my advice is to give the spell some autonomy, as if you’re taking the first steps towards creating a servitor. Then the spell can choose what’s best in the moment, but you can set it to default as white arts where the situation allows for it.

Chakra Lessons – Cleansing

Close your eyes after reading this, and look for the root chakra. It will probably look a bit fuzzy. You’re looking for a reddish orb of energy that has four petals around it.

Another way to check your chakras is by feel. You have chakras in your palm. You can ask your spirit guides to open them, and rub your hands very briskly together for a few moments. As you pull them apart, you will feel them tingle. You can then wave your hand through your aura over the various locations of the chakras, and sense them with your palms. This will tell you information that drawing can’t… such as WHY a chakra has a certain thing going on inside it.

Now, close your eyes, and picture a ball of white light. Focus on this light as coming from the core of the universe. The intent is that this light is perfect for you – it’s for your highest good, it is unconditionally loving of YOUR energy frequency, and deeply healing.

The sacral plexus is orange, and has six petals. It is located two inches below your belly button and is centered between your back and front. All chakras are considered to be aligned with the spine, but this chakra can sometimes drift to the left a bit.
Locate your sacral plexus in the same way that you did the root chakra – either with activated palm chakras, or with visualization.

Between your root chakra and your sacral plexus, there are three main channels and two minor channels.
The central channel is the widest. It’s called the Sushumni channel. The outside two that wrap AROUND the chakras but do not connect TO the chakras are called Ida (right) and Pingala (leftI) nadir.
The two minor channels that directly connect the root to the sacral plexus on the outside of the sushumni are also called Ida and Pingala nadirs.

Remember to activate your palm chakras and use your visual techniques. Your channels will be white (sushumni) and offwhite or dark (ida/pingala)

On hand Chakras:

Your dominant hand is all about projection and protection. Your receptive hand is all about drawing in, but also taps into self-knowledge. You can use your left hand to check your chakras and your aura to tell you things about what’s going on with you. To activate them, request that your guides activate them, rub your hands briskly, and stretch them apart slowly until you feel the chakras open. Your hands will heat up and tingle.

The reason the Ida and Pingala nadirs are dark is because energy flows DOWN the ida and pingala nadirs, and the Sushumni is bright white because energy flows UPwards there. So check flow. Downwards is much more subtle and gentle. When you connect to the ida and pingala nadirs, you will feel your energy shift downwards, like grounding. When you connect to the sushumni, you will feel your energy rising, like kundalini. The channels take a bit.

So remember the white light I had you connect to and let flow through your root chakra?
I want you do do the same thing through all five channels between your root and your sacral plexus.

The sacral plexus is all about your connections – how you relate to the world around you.
Everything you touch is stored in the sacral plexus… which can make it very crowded. Outmoded ideas, and burnt in, tired patterns, are held here.
I call the sacral plexus the noun chakra. If it’s a person, place, thing, or idea, and you have ever related to it, it’s there.
It’s also a sexual chakra – but rather than your own sexuality… it deals with how you feel sexually about others. It also deals with how you relate to them sexually.
It’s about what you enjoy in life, when it’s healthy – the things that bring you pleasure. It’s also the seat of indulgence and addiction. This is the chakra that your feelings about the world come from.

One of the first self-care things that needs to be done with this chakra is… what are you holding there that is no longer useful, no longer serving your highest good, serving your growth as a person and as a spirit?
Bring in the white light energy… and SAY TO IT – “I release all unnecessary connections back into the universe, with unconditional love.” Know that the energy of those connections that is right now doing nothing but holding you back is going to be repurposed and directed towards someone else’s highest good now. And let go.

When you truly let something go out of your energy field, when you stop sucking it back in all the time, even if you’re surrounded by it, it no longer disturbs you, because it’s not inside you.
So keep weeding until your garden stops being soil that accepts those kinds of seeds. Your energy is programmable. You can teach yourself a new way to be, where things do not grow in you that you do not need.

We’re digging into the sacral plexus chakra. We’ve released the excess connections that are unnecessary and holding up progress. Now it’s time to clean up the mess that came from being stuck.
Again, bring in the light that we talked about, and let it wash through the entire chakra, cleansing, balancing, soothing.
Let it remove any stuck energy, and when you feel it’s a nice, strong, stable orange, we can move on to the channels above it.
It should also get a pulse to it.

Remember to draw that light all the way through, front to back.The opening that draws in, to the opening that pushes out. The front of the chakra – which is actually your back.

So the next step is to connect to the five channels moving to the solar plexus. The two that cross below the sacral and above the sacral (outer ida and pingala) the two that connect from the solar to the sacral (inner ida and pingala) and the central channel that flows up from the root through the sacral and now through the solar plexus (sushumni) all need to be checked and cleaned with the light.

The outer ida and pingala wrap around the chakra system like a DNA helix.

The inner ida and pingala, whose energies ALSO flow downwards, simply leap from chakra to chakra. The Sushumni, whose energies flow upwards is a river bed that gathers chakra energies like tributaries as it heads for the point above the crown where it fountains.

Both ida and both pingala nadirs terminate below your feet. They flow down your legs, and your arms. But that’s really technical and you don’t need to worry about it with a general cleansing.

The solar plexus is your center. It is your essential sense of SELF – just as the root is your sense of your body, the solar plexus is your sense of YOU. It is the seat of your self-confidence, and all your actions. Your belief about what you are capable or not capable of doing in the world comes from here. It’s all about achievable personal power. Willpower.
Having this chakra clear means you are able to be courageous, and take pleasure in your own accomplishments.

If you have issues with this chakra, you will tend to be a wallflower, but not in a positive way. An overactive chakra can make you egotistical and narcisstic. An underactive solar plexus will make you a professional doormat.

The chakra petals are an energetic fibbonaci sequence. 4, 6, 10, 12, 18, 3, 1000. lol
Time to bring on the light.

The difference between the upper and lower chakras which separates them is that the lower chakras all deal with your physical self. The upper chakras all deal with your perceptions and interactions with the outside world. The root is your body, the sacral plexus is sex and relationships. The solar plexus is your views about yourself and your ability to act in the world

The heart is all about how you sense the world. The throat is all about how you communicate with that world. The Third Eye is all about how you see the world, and the crown is how your spirit connects to the spirits of the world. So all the upper chakras are externally focused.

Remember yesterday when I showed you how to open your perceptions, either by touch or by inward sight, to view your chakras?

Connect to your heart chakra. The heart chakra has 12 petals, is green with a rose outline around the outside, and as I said, is the seat of your emotional senses about the world around you.
This is how you interact intuitively with the world. The Third Eye is Sight – but the Heart is FEEL. There’s no point in being able to see the word if you can’t feel what your seeing actually means.
The heart chakra is also about love – but not just self-love, but being able to give and receive love with others, and the wider world.

When you are connected to your heart chakra, remember what I told you about connecting to the light that is the most balanced for you, the most attuned to your own highest good and your best purpose. This isn’t about white light, or anything like that. It’s about aligning yourself with your truest nature, your best balance, your most perfect you. Connect to the light that creates you as you create yourself… the blueprint, I suppose. It’s not going to be the light that anyone else is. It’s your light. Which means that if you work better with shadow – it will have the taste of shadow. It’s your light.

So bring that into you… and let it wash through the chakra. Remember that we’re going from the opening of the chakra in your back, and out the front. Let that energy wash through your chakra, setting everything to rights.
Look at what your heart chakra is right now… and then bring that intent in, and let that intent come through and fix everything up. And keep doing that until you know that your heart chakra is the best color and feel it can be.
You INTEND to connect to the light that is for your own highest vibrational good. The light that is the best light for you, and for your healing. When you put your mind into an intention, the very act of saying, “THIS is what I want,” is enough to call it to you. You are using a function of magickal WILL.

You are WILLING A CHANGE TO OCCUR. You are WILLING A CONNECTION TO A TYPE OF ENERGY.

This is why I suggest that while this kind of basic healing can be done by most people, real healing that can be used for others shouldn’t be done by just anyone, but someone who really knows how to keep their intentions pure.
Your heart chakra is between your nipples on your sternum.
Some people will feel it a bit lower, some a bit higher, but generally, it’s in the middle there. The thing is that the heart chakra isn’t actually a single chakra. It’s actually 7 chakras starting at the base of the sternum and climbing upwards in sequence to the hollow of your throat.

The throat is located just over your adam’s apple. Women and men have them – just feel for it if you’re a chick, because it’s not physically as obvious as in men. The throat chakra is a blue that is very changeable, but is frequently a whiteish blue – a pale blue to sometimes turquiose color. It has 16 petals. The throat rules vocality. It is “I Speak,” so is all about speaking your personal truth. Not THE truth – but your PERSONAL truth. If you’re not into self-expression, you probably have a muddy or even blocked chakra here.

The throat is all about communication, both within and without. If you don’t listen to yourself, or you don’t listen to others, if you don’t speak deeply or honestly, if you avoid confrontation or prevaricate… you have an issue here.
Because the throat is all about speaking your truth, any time where you are deceiving yourself, this chakra is going to take the fall… and because it’s smaller than some of the other chakras, when it falls, your whole outlook on the world falls with it. A recursive chakra here will actually turn you into a mouse just as much as a poorly developed solar plexus. They often feed each other.

Not angry confrontation, but… have you ever felt something deeply, and ignored your feelings because you wanted to keep the peace around you, or didn’t want to deal with confrontations with your friends or family? That’s a throat chakra issue. Speaking your truth is about speaking those feelings – not about shoving them in people’s faces, or about forcing them to your way… the throat is all about letting EVERYONE have their personal truth, as long as they let you have yours.

If you refuse to speak up when there are issues, calmly and clearly, but just clam up instead and put up with things that don’t work for you, you’re going to have all kinds of addictions that are about jamming that chakra up. It’s not about speaking what you think. It’s not about speaking what you’re taught to think. It’s about standing up for what your soul believes to be true. Standing up for your heart.

When you speak from a spiritual place, you speak calmly, and you state your thoughts and feelings, and then you let go. It’s not aggressive, it doesn’t hurt others, or if it does, it’s only because of their attachments to lies, not because you are deliberately hurting them. You speak your truth and let it go. That is how to keep the throat chakra pure.
I tell people in situations where they cannot speak, that they must remain true to themselves, and speak the truth to themselves. They must be as honest as they can be with others, they must be honest in their actions… and whatever they cannot be honest about, they must be honest somewhere else. Tell a tree. Tell a sheet of paper. Whisper it to the wind. Tell the truth to something. It will help.

So now, connect to your throat chakras, and see what they are doing. If you see any blurring or blemishes, any places that are too dark, ask them why, what are they withholding. Listen to your truth. When you are ready… bathe it in that light, and cleanse it.
If your throat chakra is hurting you, ask it why, where the blockage is, or where you are underactive or overactive, and what you need to do to resolve it. That’s one thing that people seldom do that they really should do the most… talk to your chakras. ASK THEM TO TELL YOU WHAT’S GOING ON

Time to work on the third eye. The first thing you all need to know is… it’s not your third eye.
Your third eye is indigo, and has two petals. It rules the unseen world, the inner world, but also the astral world. What you see in your mind and what you see with magickal and psychic senses comes from here… but only what you SEE. Secondly, the third eye is actually the fifth eye. It’s located in the center of your forehead. Below it is your fourth eye, below which is your third eye at the bridge of your nose, and then your second eye is your left eye, and your first eye is your right. Above the fifth eye, you have two more eyes, the last one being at the hairline.

The fifth eye is also vastly different from your other chakras in that it is centered in the middle of your brain, in darkness, and also in that it’s start is on your forehead, and it’s petals bloom out the back of your head… so when working with this charka, instead of going from the back of your body to the front, you go from the front of your face to the back of your skull.

So everyone knows what the “third eye” looks like and what it does and where it’s located? At the curve of the skull as it heads towards the crown. Think… if you put your hair in a ponytail, it would be around that area. Hair is actually the third eye’s antenna

When you feel you have learned about any possible dysfunction, make a note to yourself about what’s going on and a solution… and then bring in the light to cleanse it. Remember that with this chakra, you go from the forehead to the back of the skull and out, not from the back of the skull out the forehead.

The final chakra is the crown chakra. It’s located at the fontinel of your skull. It is VERY large, larger than your hand. It has 1000 petals, and is white and purple. It covers from the hairline at your forehead, a whole cap around the top of your skull. The crown is all about knowledge.

The crown is all about being calm, being strong, knowing your own self and your own way. It’s also about being deeply connected with universal oneness. It’s about being in tune with everything in the world. The crown touches everything, and then the eye and the heart interpret it, and feed that interpretation back into the crown for you to understand.

Everyone, connect to your crown now, and look for any issues, or anything that you’re doing RIGHT… because the crown is all about rightness.
Keep in mind that the crown isn’t about losing sight of yourself, or losing your own boundaries or definitions of self. It’s not about becoming nothing. The crown is the seat of yourself, as you fit in the universe, just as much as it’s the seat of the universe as it fits in yourself.

A lot of people who work the LHP tend to think that the upper chakras will pull them off that path… that isn’t the case. If anything, the upper chakras can refine how they decide to act, by telling them about how they think and feel about the outside world, and how it returns the favor – they reinforce choice, rather than taking it away and forcing universal connections. You can’t force something that is omnipresent. You are in the universe. You can’t get more connected than that.

One last thing… ask your crown how your connections to source and yourself are. Ask to see those connections and make sure they are all in, and functioning correctly.

When you’ve all connected to your crowns, and made sure that everything you need to know is understood, bring in the light, and this time, wash it from your crown, all the way down to the soles of your feet and into the earth. At the SAME time, bring a SECOND light up from the core of the earth… and run it through your root and all the way up, out your crown, and into the center of the universe. When you feel completely refreshed, balanced, poised between heaven and earth… you can relax, center, ground, and call it done.

I told you I was tired and would forget something… If everyone would check their idas and pingalas and sushumni from their sacral up, that would be a good thing. Run the light through all five channels.

If your chakra is blocked or there is a problem with it, when you look at it or feel it, it will feel/look smudged, or you will feel pain associated with the area, or tightness, like a lump in your chest for a blocked heart chakra. Look for dark patches where the glow is diminshed or even extinguished.

If you can visualize your chakras and get nice sensations with those visualizations, chances are that your imagination is not in overdrive, but fairly accurate. If you’re concerned about the health of your chakras, simply do a cleansing and clearing exercise in addition to your usual meditation work, every time you work with them. Cleansing and clearing should be done daily, anyway. Trust me, if your chakras start having issues, you’ll know. It’ll start with emotional and mental issues, and swell into physical issues. There will be emotional swings, negative thoughts associated with the particular chakra, and then physical feelings – first almost like indigestion, slowly swelling to actual physical illness. You can check out google, as many websites mention the side-effects of having an imbalanced chakra and include the physical diseases… for example, if your solar plexus gets blocked enough to become unbalanced, you can end up with not only feelings of codependency and victimhood/powerlessness, but also diabetes and gall stones. See how it works?

I always SUGGEST to my chakras that they close after I’m finished working with them, but as with the elements and deities, it’s always a: close if you will, stay open if you must, kind of thing. They’ll slowly dial back down on thier own when they’re ready. Forcing them open or closed, and I don’t mean the gentle coaxing/asking but actual force, will cause blockages. Most meditations don’t mention closing them because most practitioners know that as you leave meditational space, and your brain ramps back up from theta levels to alpha levels, the chakras tend to close up on their own, because you’re becoming more connected to this here/now reality and less connected to your internal energetic reality. There’s less energy flow – not much, but it does become reduced – so they slowly ramp down. I, personally, prefer to, as a part of the meditation, just because I’m a neat and tidy kind of personality, ask them to close up before I begin to lift myself up out of that space. But that’s just me. It’s not necessary.

The OTHER Chakras

There are bone chakras and joint chakras, chakras for the organs, auric chakras…

There are seven chakras in each heel. Then there is the main foot chakra that’s split in half, one on one arch, the other on the other arch. There are chakras going up the back on either side of the spine. There are seven hearts, there are seven eyes, there are over a thousand crown chakras. There are chakras in your palms and chakras on each fingertip beyond the joint and bone chakras.

There are other extra chakras that relate to your other bodies – and while you have three bodies (physical, astral, and spiritual) there are seven planes each body exists on… so there are seven layers to each body, and each layer has its own chakras.

Then there are soul chakras.

It’s very complicated and we’ve only just begun to plumb the depths of the extremely complicated system of energetic structures that make up our experiences.

The reason I only usually write about the seven major physical chakras is because, before you even think about working with the minor chakras, or even advancing to the bone and joint chakras, before you think about mastering the chakras in the layers of your three bodies, and reach for soul chakras…

A good foundation, a balance and clear Major System, is absolutely necessary.

Without that… the potential for doing more harm than good is… obviously… extensive.

 

Empathic Auras

Here’s the thing about empaths that even most empaths don’t know.

Your auras are HUGE. Like, fill an entire house HUGE. You’ve learned to live inside other people, usually out of sheer defense. Almost all empaths are empaths due to lengthy trauma… so they learn to push their aura out to such a distance that they are ALWAYS PREPARED. It’s a survival mechanism.

I’ve yet to meet an empath who DIDN’T have an aura that invaded everyone else’s space.

So shielding often doesn’t work. If you shield your aura, but your aura is still large enough that other people are still INSIDE it, then you’ve shielded them inside with you.

The solution to empathy being so overwhelming is to work to pull your aura back into your original personal space. Because your aura is so large, you have issues with boundaries. You don’t have them. That allows for you to be constantly overwhelmed psychically, mentally, emotionally.

The first boundary you must set is your own. It’s hard work to reel in your aura, but it’s worth it. Then, when you need to, you can push it out to “taste” people and/or environments, but when you’re done, you can pull back in, cleanse (dump the toxins), and shield… REALLY shield, and just be alone in your head again.

Trust me… Get your aura under control, and being an empath will no longer be a curse.

-Raven

An Interesting Night

Before I went to sleep, I heard my phone’s alarm going off – when it actually wasn’t, because that happens to me sometimes. So, I stopped what I was doing and tried to figure out why I was hearing the sound of my phone’s alarm clock feature – what that might mean. The answer I got was, “Something has ended.”

This wasn’t much to go on, so I decided to do a tarot reading. When I asked what was ending I drew the ten of pentacles, which didn’t make much sense – what was I overburdened with that I viewed as a toil which was ending? So, for clarification, I drew a second card, which was the three of pentacles – meaning that my toil, my burden, of teaching others, is what is ending. I asked what that meant for my future, and I drew the ace of pentacles which means there is a new beginning, one that will bring me material security and success.

The first dream of the night, I remember someone asking me to conjure an Ubi, and I told them I didn’t want to conjure professionally, and they said, why don’t you conjure and send your work to others who can sell them for you? I said, ok, I give – I’ll try it. So, then I actually did a little conjure work for other sellers – using them as third parties so that I don’t get overworked. It was almost like… I couldn’t help but conjure, I loved it the way artists can’t stop painting. And… it seemed to work for me. I was conjuring, which I do love, but the rest of the mess that comes with conjuring for clients, was a non-issue. I conjured when I wanted, what I wanted, and when I wasn’t up to it, I didn’t worry about it.

 

The second dream of the night was more interesting. I woke up dizzy from it, and the house is hazy because of the number of beings now in it, so – this ACTUALLY HAPPENED, in a sense.

I was in a battle camp. We were at war, and my blood had healing properties, so I stayed at the camp (a precious comodity) and donated blood every so often, which they bagged, and when someone was injured, they recieved a bag of my blood to heal them. In the camp, there was a woman, an Ubi who was helping us as a spy – her brother was a prisoner of the other side, being forced to help that side, and so she was helping us with information from him in the hopes that when it was all over, we would help set him free and give them both a home on our side. We were getting ready to leave – it wasn’t clear if the war was over, but the fight was over right now, and my people were refusing to help her, because her brother was a spy for the other side. She was desperate to save him, and I felt that after all she’d done for us, we owed her. I went to my superiors and said I wanted to bind her and her brother, and they said, “Fine, ok, yes,” though they weren’t thrilled – it solved the problem but they really didn’t want the pair with us.

So, I took a knife with me (to cut myself for the blood I would need to bind them to me with), but when I got there, I found out that her entire CLAN was masterless, and without a master over the clan, they weren’t going to survive – and of course, I said “fuck it, I’ll bind them all” to which my superior who was the medic in charge of my blood said, “I knew you’d see it that way. Go ahead, you have my permission but don’t let any of the others know.”

I answered, “well, we’re going to need a lot more blood then,” so I went to where the clan was, and sent someone back to her to get the bags of blood I was going to need to do the bindings. Once the blood arrived, I poured it into a stone bowl, added water, and proceeded to take the stones that they were connected to, and bathe them with my hands in the blood, using my blood to bind them – it was hard, I kept losing focus, forgetting the words, but “I offer myself as a home and master to you should you choose me.” Every one of them said yes, so then I followed with this, for each and every stone: “I bind you to my physical body, my astral body, to my spirit, to my emotions, to my mind, and I bind myself to your physical body, your astral body, your spirit, your emotions, and your mind.”

Once they were bound, we were leaving, and I could only take what I could carry, so – I chose to take stones. At first, it was just stones with spirits or entities bound to them – I started binding angels, and Fu, and a lot of different spirits (so many that I don’t actually remember anymore) and every time I bound someone with that vow and they agreed, I FELT it connect. Once I got all the stones that were spirited or spelled bound, I started binding just… stones to me – I bound an entire bowl full of tiny cut diamonds, a TON of selenite, kyanite, charoite, and the like – I was just binding ALL my favorite gemstones at the end.

I woke up because I was spinning in my sleep, I’d gotten so drained and really, REALLY dizzy – and the whole house is so fuzzy now because of how much energy, beings and the like, are here now. There’s like, nine Ubi, and that’s just the tip of the iceburg.

So, basically, just bound a SHIT TON of entities, spirits, spells and energies in my sleep. And… I’m not sure even WHY.

Gonna class this as a holywhatthefuck dream.