World of Warcraft and Mental Health

About four or five years ago, I went through something that turned my life, and my head, completely upside down.

It started with, of all things, a migraine.

I was used to them. I got them all the time. I had them for days at a time. I pushed through. I got things done. I ignored the pain, and mostly, that worked. Admittedly, as things progressed, the amount of days I spent enduring migraines lengthened, until I quite possibly had less than a week out of every month where I wasn’t in pain… but it happened so slowly that by that time, I had adjusted. I persevered.

Until one day, my body decided enough was enough.

I had a migraine so severe I was screaming in pain. We rushed to the hospital, where they struggled to help. Eventually, the pain faded, and we went home… where I couldn’t forget what had happened.

The anxiety and fear of both the pain, and not knowing what had happened to me, or why, eventually led to another screaming migraine.

And another.

Finally, I was in such a state of constant vigilance, I couldn’t cope with even my normal migraines. I started having dreams of dying.

I had a dream of walking out into traffic… and I woke up completely numb – I felt nothing about it. I understood, my subconscious was speaking about my desperation. I wasn’t suicidal, but when you’re experiencing trauma coupled with pain, your brain does a funny thing. It grabs onto any idea for relief.

When I was a child, I was hit by a car, and I died. While I was dead, I experienced not light, but darkness. Pure, empty darkness. There was no pain, there was no fear, there was no hate, there was NOTHING… and it was the most beautiful, quiet experience of my life. When they brought me back, I cried for days, because I didn’t want to leave that peace for a life that was nothing but horror.

So of course, when I was again experiencing something I couldn’t cope well with, my brain remembered what it was like to be dead… and suggested, through dreams, that solution.

This is actually quite common in trauma patients. This does NOT mean they are suicidal. It means that their subconscious is reaching for a way out. That doesn’t mean they have any intention of acting on it… it just means they’re nearing the end of their endurance.

Realizing what my dream signified, I knew I needed medical assistance to get my pain under control. I had my mother take me to the hospital, where I TRIED to explain to multiple medical professionals about my pain, and the dream, and what I needed.

THEY decided I was suicidal, and stopped listening to me. They sent me to an inpatient psychiatric facility for a week, where I experienced even more psychological trauma. The only person I met during that week who DID understand was a paramedic who was an Iraki war veteran. He had shrapnel in his head. He lived with pain daily. He understood the difference between wanting to die, and your brain trying to find solutions to situations.

The end result of these experiences was an anxiety disorder, severe depression, and PTSD.

I sat on the couch for two years. I barely spoke. I wasn’t really aware. People spoke to me, and I honestly felt everything they said meant nothing. Their questions were all obvious, and clearly rhetorical. I stared at the world, and felt nothing, thought nothing. I was empty, at the bottom of a deep well. The world was very dark, and I didn’t care. The only time I experienced any emotions, I would be having a panic attack.

Eventually, we realized that the hospital’s solution of drowning me in medication I didn’t need had exacerbated my situation. My doctor took me off every medication she could.

I was unmedicated for a little over a year…. and slowly, I started to live again. I wasn’t my old self, by any stretch of the imagination. I don’t think I’ll ever get that person back. She died – that’s how I look at it. We found out that I have a sensitivity to sugar. I’m not diabetic – it’s a different issue. If I have too much sugar, I get migraines. We also found out I needed glasses, which clearly contributed to my issues. Dehydration and forgetting to eat definitely contribute, but the main cause is sugar. I stopped drinking gatorade, which I had been drinking because of chronic electrolyte deficiencies, and got an app for my phone that reminded me to drink, and to eat. My migraines and my anxiety both cause me to become very scattered and forgetful. I needed those apps.

Because I was home, and unwell, I had a lot of spare time. I read a lot, but even someone for whom reading is a passion can become tired of reading when that’s ALL you do… so I started playing games from Google Play. I played mystery games – games with a story line, where you would have to find objects, and use them to complete tasks to get to the next section of the game.

I bought a LOT of games. It was becoming expensive.

My husband suggested I try creating a character on WoW. When we first met six years ago, I had tried to play, but I had this tiny Vista hybrid laptop. It had a flip around touch screen, and the latency on the thing was so bad, I couldn’t see what had killed me… It was so bad, that I got very frustrated and just decided that I wasn’t a gamer. I didn’t blame my tech… I blamed myself. After all… I’d played console games with friends. I knew I was bad at games. Shoot – I died during RPG’s.

However, he convinced me to give it another go. I had a newer computer, and he’d played on it. It wasn’t awful, so he thought I would be able to play. He was right, for the most part.

Because I have a lot of social anxiety, I didn’t run any dungeons. I just quested. Despite that, I leveled a toon to 100 in under four months. For a new player, that’s pretty good. He bought me Legion as a present, for making it that far.

The thing about Warcraft is that it gives me goals. Small, achievable tasks, for which I gain rewards. Slowly, my mental health improved, because my confidence in my own ability to solve problems grew. I started running dungeons with my husband and his best friend. I joined a guild and ran some content with them.

My new laptop couldn’t handle Legion. I had latency issues. I had lag issues. Loading into dungeons and scenarios took too long, and I frequently dc’d and spent a lot of time catching up to groups… and dying.

We started saving for a computer that could handle Legion. I got The Beast as a Valentine’s Day present this year. I LOVE my Beast.

After I got The Beast, and realized that a large part of my problems WERE in fact technological, I started feeling confident enough to pug dungeons. We moved to a higher population server (we’d been on Moonguard, which is an RP server, and not really our style) which was progression based, because I finally felt ready to move forward. To challenge myself.

I found a WONDERFUL guild. I can’t even begin to express how helpful and understanding they’ve been. I was clear from the start about my issues, and the reason we click so well is that they are a group designed to support people with my health issues.

Because of Warcraft, and a strong support system, I’ve begun to enjoy being challenged. I still get frustrated if I die a lot. I feel like I’ve failed my team. It just pushes me to learn more.

I’m working, right now, to gear a new character, because I want to get into the higher level dungeons, the mythic plusses, and into the Nighthold Raid. I want to run the heroic Guldan battle, and get my Ahead of the Curve achievement.

I want to be ready for when Tomb of Sargeras comes out. I want to be in the front lines. I want to be part of the team of guildies who run mythic challenges for the guild weekly.

A friend dragged me into battle ground scenarios last weekend. It was the first time I’ve done real PVP stuff. I didn’t die as often as I expected. It was chaotic, and confusing… but I learned a lot. I think I’d like to do more, because I know things about my toon I didn’t know before.

 

I have gone from someone who, when I couldn’t log into my bank account, ended up curled in a ball under a coffee table, completely hysterical, to someone who is actively looking to challenge herself. To push. To grow.

World of Warcraft saved me. I am reborn, and I am ready to face the World… and the world.

Thank you, Warcraft, for teaching me that I Can. And thank you, my husband, for insisting I try it. You’re right… it’s cheaper… and a lot more fun.

 

Dessert

I wanted you to know, the more I speak with you, the more time we spend together, the more you make me laugh and comfort me, the more I dream of the full course meal. Not that I’m at all ready for dessert, or will be any time soon, but I am really enjoying our times together. 

Yesterday, I awoke from a dream of you. The dream was not complicated, it was brief, but in it, we woke together, as if we had done so for years. It was very comfortable, right. Comforting. Friendly. It felt wonderful, and made me smile, even though I woke alone. I haven’t felt that way in years. 

I’ll admit, before falling asleep, I was so happy to know you, to be becoming friends with you, I had trouble putting you out of my mind… and that might be why I dreamed of you right before waking the next morning, but in all honesty I have to admit that I do not really think it was just a dream.

I do try to keep people out of my head, so I don’t invade their sleep, but we are so much on the same wavelength that it’s difficult to do so with you. 

I told you, the first time I saw you was in my black mirror. When I saw you, I saw you in me, and me in you – the image flickered between our faces, as if we were one head with two faces that were almost the same. Sometimes I could not tell the difference between the faces as we morphed back and forth. 

I do not love you yet, but the vision and the dream suggest to me that I will. 

However, a dream does not mean you and  I don’t or won’t have other loves. We do. I have many old friends whom I love deeply, who love me in return – and sometimes I regret leaving them so far away, because I must now love them from such a distance – and each of them is a flower in my heart, my loves a many-petaled bouquet, and I the vase.

You have spoken to me of your other loves, those people you consider to be your best friends. I have two best friends here, and many best friends who live far away – some are flirty friends, like some of yours. 

I feel compelled to say to you that, if we were ever to become something to each other, beyond friendship, I promise… I will never ask you to give them up. I will make them my friends, too. I hope that my friends become yours, as well. 

Life is a road of discoveries – I am walking the beginning of one with you. What it will become, I do not know, but I do know that I am enjoying our friendship, now, and that you are helping me overcome some of my wounded reactions. 

Thank you for being you. 

“Because nice things should be spread around. ” (M. A.)

Viked from   </a></b></a>[info]ignited_sparkOne little compliment or affirmation can make you feel amazing. So give me a compliment, anything in the entire world, even that my shoelaces are pretty, then post this in your own journal. Once you get some comments, put that entry in a memory or tag, and when you are feeling down, just go to that entry and it will remind you how great you are!

Proof of Love

I am now completely without doubt as to whether S. loves me or not.

Not only will he BUY my tampons for me, and go pick them up without me being there, but he also knows which brand I use, which size, and that I buy the big box (40) rather than the little box (20). I started to tell him, and he told ME. 😀

Gentlemen, there is not a woman in the world who will not respect the size of your very manly and brave testicles, and love you passionately and with unsurpassed gratitude for this particular service. We know that while for us, it’s just a little thing, for you, it’s huge. We know that only the most balliest, confident, DEDICATED TO US guy would buy our tampons for us, let alone pay attention to the details. You will gain our respect and our unending adoration for it, and we will stick around forever trying to come up with inventive positions in order to repay you.

It’s a thing.

I’m keeping him…
And no. I will not share. 😛