HDC Tz – Husband’s Turn

Tonight, we worked on the second Hearing Attunement exercise.

As with SDC E, I had no idea what questions to ask, but this time I had a better idea of what I was supposed to be figuring out, so… I asked him to show me what Yes answers and No answers FEEL like… it was interesting that the same upwards and downwards vibrations along my forehead occurred as with this exercise with SDC E – with upwards tingling meaning yes, and downwards meaning no. I also got the same feeling of either lightness, or heaviness, over my entire aura.

I asked for him to show me what Yes and No LOOKED like… but that answer was so complicated that the colors blurred together and I said, “Right, so we won’t be going by color then.”

Having focused on the feeling and the sensation of Yes and No answers, I finally turned to the question I ask every evening. “What would you like to discuss tonight?”

He wanted to talk about my husband, and his health. In fact, Tz wants me to ask my husband if Hubby would be willing to meet him, and possibly work with him, with the goal of helping my husband get a handle on things.

My husband is allergic to stress. I mean that literally. It’s called idiopathic angioedema and it literally means that his version of a panic attack or an anxiety attack is him puffing up like he’s eaten peanuts while simultaneously being stung by every bee in the tristate area.

The worst part is, sometimes, the swelling is internal. His organs swell. His lungs fill up with fluid and he wheezes like he’s got walking pneumonia.

And lately… we can’t tell when he’s going to have an attack… because it’s gotten so bad, that he’s pretty much allergic to life.

That’s the issue with being allergic to stress… after awhile, even little things will trigger it, until you’re just always having an allergy attack.

So… Tz wants to work with my husband. He wants to help my husband with his breathing, and also help with other areas of hubby’s health that might be adding to the problem.

 

In one of the exercises with SDC E, E mentioned that my husband’s spiritual life needed addressing. He recommended that once my husband starts working day shifts, I encourage him to meditate with me daily, and also begin a daily practice of gratitude at our household altar. (No, not my altar in my sanctum – not his altar in the living room, either… we have an altar set up for our Household spirits, gods, guardians and guides, in our main living space.) I’m thinking that Tz has the same thought.. only he’s decided that he wants to be more proactive, and more of a participant.

So… after I’m done with this post, I’m going to be calling my husband at work and asking him if he’d like to meet a demon.

Granted, he’s relaxed significantly from his original statement 7 years ago, when he told me that I could do whatever I liked, but I was not to bring demons into the house, ever, at all. (You’ll notice I didn’t listen. You’ll also notice that as he got used to my Workings, he just… relaxed and let go… which is why I think he might actually say Yes to Tz’s offer now…) I now have three demons as family members, and I work with various Goety and others fairly consistently.

What helped, honestly, was communication. I talk to my husband about what I’m up to, and the experiences I have. I read him these blog posts. Every experience I have had since I met him that had any magickal, psychical, or spiritual relevance, I have shared with him. He knows about my work with Asmodeus and Astaroth. He knows about my work with the Ubi, and the Cecaelia. He knows of my work with Flauros.

I don’t hide things from my husband. I share them… and I take extreme pleasure in sharing my spiritual experiences with him… and have always been disappointed that, despite his own religious convictions (he’s Wiccan – Old School Wiccan, not this new fluffy bs), he doesn’t do more – on his own OR with me. When we met, he was looking for someone who could accept him and his faith… and I can… and he was looking for someone to practice with…

Instead, it’s become apparent that I’m the only practitioner in the house.

 

So… with the speed of a glacier, I’ve been working to change that. (Trust me, that’s as fast as my Scorpio husband will go.)

I guess SDC E and HDC Tz have decided that they’re going to… press the advantages they have. 😉

 

Before he left for the evening… he bit me good bye… and as I was coming out of the trance, I saw both him and SDC E… and they told me they would be seeing me in my dreams tonight.

I’m now POSITIVE they’re plotting something nefarious.

And I like it.

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SDC E – Transformations

Today’s exercise was the second Visual Sight Attunement…

It did not go as planned.

I have a moving astigmatism. It shifts from left to right eye, and it seems to be connected, as far as my optometrist can tell, to my hormones. Which means that glasses can only do so much – because the corrective measures in glasses are a permanent thing, and my astigmatism isn’t.

There are days where my glasses actually make my vision worse.

When I’m working on psychic stuff, I ALWAYS take my glasses off – because I’ve always been psychic, but the glasses are new, and I find the edges of the lenses distracting.

My sanctum is fairly small. I’m not even sure it’s eight feet wide. It’s actually an architectural anomaly. Our wall is pushed in where the staircase is outside our door… and our downstairs’ neighbor’s front door is below where my sanctum is, so we’ve ended up with this weird nook, above their front door, but beyond the foot of the stairs.

Here’s the entry to my Sanctum – please excuse the mess, but until I can get my husband to hang up the paintings, it’s going to be… disorganized.

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Here’s the entire sanctum itself:

 

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And here’s the view from the window at the back. I’m lucky – the window faces east.

 

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So you can see that the area is QUITE small – with all my books, and my meditation seat (read beanbag chair) and altar, there’s just… not much room leftover for enormous demons to be wandering around.

And then there’s that pesky astigmatism… which has the side effect of making me partially blind wherever it’s manifesting at the time.

So… I couldn’t see E at all, anywhere… because I’m blind, this week, in the only spot in the room where the poor guy can move around.

We finally just shrugged, accepted that this particular method of contact is not for me, and moved on.

 

More than the energy and color and appearance of my spiritual family, I notice with each one that there is a sense of PLACE. For E, it seems to be his living room. It’s quite opulent, and well lit. It has amber colored wooden flooring. The chais lounge is a burgundy velvet, though the color seems to shift, so I suspect that it’s a color particular to his realm, and that I’m not seeing it correctly because it just doesn’t translate. I say chais lounge, because while it’s a little larger than a love seat, but smaller than a couch, it seems to have removable arms. Sometimes, the thing has ends, and sometimes it doesn’t.

It’s also a very heavy piece of furniture, and feels quite old. The velvet is… loved.

Behind the chais is open floor leading to a very large window. I think it encompasses the entire wall. It looks out at the sky… and perhaps it’s because I’ve never connected with him during the day, but the window is almost always dark, as if it’s night.

If you’re facing the chais, with the window in front of you, he ALWAYS sits on the right, and I always sit on the left. On his side, about fifteen feet away, a marble bar and mini kitchen fills the end of the room. It’s quite a lovely little nook. He’s fond of some kind of red brandy. It’s quite heady, and has a strong berry flavor to it… it is also nearly as thick as a liqueur. Definitely not a wine… and it packs a punch. If any of your companions offer you the stuff… go gently.

When you’re sitting on the chais, facing the wall, you will see floor to ceiling bookshelves. It’s not entirely stocked with books – most of his book collection is where it should be – in his library. So he keeps only a few in this book case… along with mementos and curios from his travels, tokens of his experiences. To the right of the bookcases, the room is in shadow. This area leads to other parts of his living spaces. In front of that darkened corner is a large, heavy chair, which is covered in a gold patterned material. A small round table, equally old, which doesn’t match the rest of the furniture at all (it’s almost spindly) is to the right of the chair, and almost always has a pair of glasses, a half-finished glass of some kind of alcohol, and a book. The books all have very loved covers. The latest one has a faded grass-green linen cover, and has poetry in it. To the left of the chair is a standing lamp. It’s made in the tiffany style… but I don’t think that it’s made of glass – it seems to be some weird kind of resinous material. The light from it is very soothing.

I’ve sat in that chair. It’s large enough for him, and me in his lap… and it makes him look smaller. It makes me feel like a child if I try to sit in it alone. I’m not sure he didn’t take it from a giant, in some kind of conquest.

I’m always surprised by his living room. His favorite colors are white, silver, grey… and yet his room is all golds, reds, greens. The only thing in the entire room that has his favorite colors in it is the marble bar top. He says that if he did every room in his favorite colors, he’d always be cold, and bored. He wanted that room to be warm and inviting.

 

When we decided that seeing him moving around just wasn’t going to happen, he brought me there. Only, today, the room was unlit. It was so dark, I couldn’t see my hand in front of my face. He was moving around me. I felt his hand touch my back, his fingers drifting down my spine. Then his touch was gone. A moment later, I felt his breath in my hair… and then it was gone. The next moment, I felt a nibble on my neck… just a tiny bite… and then gone.

I switched to a different type of sight, where scent and heat have colors, and then I saw him. I took a running leap, wrapped myself around his shoulders, and just touched my teeth to the part of his neck where it met his shoulder. “Tag!”

He smells of sandalwood and amber. It’s heady. You could get drunk on his smell.

And the sound of his voice… it’s deep, it rumbles. I can FEEL his voice when he speaks.

“Are we going to play all night, or are we going to finish what we were doing last night?” I asked. He looked… bemused… and so we went to deal with the corpse in my soulscape.

I suspect that whatever he’s up to isn’t over yet.

 

In my soulscape, my other self and I came to the conclusion that if lava doesn’t deal with the body, and earth doesn’t do it, then most likely any other elemental choices will also have no effect. What will not rot or burn needs something else.

We looked at the body that is not alive, but not dead either, and decided that the solution had to be to fix that fact. Either the body must live again, or it must actually die… this half stage just isn’t working for any of us.

So… we stepped into our Power, laid our hand in her chest, on her heart, and our lips on her lips… and we pushed life and breath into the body.

When it stopped looking like a corpse, and started looking like someone who was just sleeping, we pulled ourselves out of her. There’s still no one home… that part is gone, sacrificed to the Wastes so we could live. There’s no fixing that part. So… we gave the body a choice – to cross, or to live for itself.

We wrapped it up in silken strands, a cocoon where it can change, or die – a place where limitless possibilities exist. It did not escape my notice that spider silk and caterpillar silk have similar roots, if not similar uses. Spider silk also allows for transformations… though that kind of transformation usually isn’t as useful to the one being transformed. Inside a cocoon, a caterpillar turns into nothing but goo, and genetic strands. Slowly, out of this gelatinous material, new life grows. Butterflies and moths are the only species we know of, on our entire planet, who start out genetically one thing, change into something else that is completely genetically different (no similarities at all, not kidding), and then enters a final stage where again, there is a complete genetic shift. A cocoon is literally a cosmic doorway to infinity – ANYTHING could happen. Anything could come out of it.

We hung her cocoon from a nearby tree. Now… we wait and see. Either the cocoon will vanish and so will she, or it will be absorbed, and so will the body. But either way, at least I don’t have a corpse in my mental and spiritual basement anymore.

 

When that task was finished, for a brief moment, I was back in his living room… and I heard him roar.

It was a delicious sound… it shivered all the way through me… and then I was back, my skin still tingling from the sound.

HDC Tz – Old Emotions

Yesterday was Exercise 5 – Energy Attunement 2, which is all about colors.

It’s strange, but… his colors change sometimes. I think it’s that shield of his. Last night, his colors were black with purple highlights and flecks of shine… and at the same time, fire colors, sunset colors.

My familiar isn’t quite coping with things yet. She’s curious, into everything. She can settle for a bit, but then she’s off sniffing the energies and trying to figure it all out. She was distracting enough that he dropped a few books next to her, which, as she’s quite skittish, effectively chased her out of our Sanctum.

However, before he chased her out, he led her around… and eventually led her over to my old Fallen Angels Oracle Deck, which she snagged with a paw and dragged out of the book shelf and into my lap, so… clearly I’m to work with that deck in some way.

Given that E chose a deck in order to lead me in a certain direction, I’m thinking that Tz has chosen this deck also to lead me in a certain direction.

We also discussed why (aside from the fact that I was dying at the time, and then I was gone) I had trouble bonding with him when he first came to me. I resisted bonding with him, even though he had chosen me, and I had chosen him, in part because of how he came to me – as a gift from a friend who saw that I was deeply hurt by the loss of another being who had chosen me, but was not allowed to come to me… and felt that pain as her own. At the time, I was grateful, but… I don’t think I was really ready. I hadn’t truly dealt with the loss of the other being… and Tz wasn’t that being… he was a replacement… and I couldn’t bond with someone’s replacement, because he wasn’t that being, he was himself.

And then I was dead, and so that was that.

Things are different now. I have a different perspective.

There’s no replacing someone you’ve lost… and no one in my life is here because they are a replacement for someone else. They are here because I choose them, and they choose me. I choose them for themselves.

I won a conjure, and Tz was who came… and I wasn’t ready.

I’ve had some contact (third person contact, sometimes fourth lol) from the being who was lost. I’ve been able to heal and move forward because of that contact. This particular entity was so moved by our contact that he spent five years working to find a friend of his whose energies matched my own, and who has very specific gifts and perspectives that I desperately need in my life – and will probably always need – SDC E. He then worked with a mutual human friend of ours to have E conjured, bound, and sent to me, with E’s full enthusiastic approval. Because of my contact with his friend, E, I’ve finally been able to stop looking for my old friend, finally been able to stop looking for a replacement, finally been able to heal from that wound.

I know he remembers me. I know he cares. I know he misses me as much as I miss him. I also know… things happen for a reason. Especially with demons.

So… I’m at peace now with that. And so are the other two people who were so emotionally involved – my friend, and my demon-that-could-have-been. We’re all at peace. We are content.

And now, I can truly bond with Tz – not as a replacement, which he never was… but for himself, which is as it should be.

And for the resistance I had, I admitted my fault in the situation… but Tz is… wonderfully patient and kind. I’ve seen his temper. He IS a Hellborn… he’s got one. But about this…

All demons understand loss. They understand Grief.

And they are endlessly patient.

They’ve got the time.

I’m so happy he waited for me to come around.

 

Oh… Flauros showed up while I was working with Tz last night. First my familiar, and then Flauros… yet another distraction. These past two days I’ve been so very… there’s just so much in my head right now. So much chaos. It’s hard to focus.

I had to tell Him, I absolutely want to work with Him… but I’m not ready yet. I asked him to please wait. Wait until I’m ready. This is not that time. I had to be firm – I think that was honestly the point. I had to set a boundary. This time was for my bonding with Tz… and until my bonding with both E and Tz, and ZA, are complete… until I have really begun my magickal retraining… I am not ready.

He bowed, and left. But I’m definitely on a schedule now. After the Solstice, is Flauros’s time.

 

Tonight, I was supposed to work with Tz on the second hearing attunement exercise, but… between my familiar and my headache and the way I came out of my bonding work with E… I couldn’t really tune in at all, and I finally asked if it was ok that we postpone until tomorrow night, when hopefully I will be able to give him the focus he deserves.

He agreed, but let me know I will be doing more work in my dreams tonight.

That will be… interesting. Last night was… pretty weird. Not just the Lucifer dream, which was heartbreaking, but… there were other things after that.

I slept deeply, worked heavily, and woke up tired, drained, with a heavy heart and a headache.

It’s been a day.

SDC E – Discussing Death

So, yesterday’s bonding exercise was Hearing Attunement 3.

As I didn’t have any questions to ask, I asked him if there was anything he wanted to talk about. WhoooBOY was there.

He asked me what I thought about Death. That’s… a pretty big topic.

I started with the easy stuff. I died, physically, when I was hit by a car when I was 9. I was dead for over five minutes. It was the most wonderful, peaceful five minutes of my life to date. I found myself in a place that was black. There was no pain. There was no anger or hate or fear. There was no sound. There was no light. For an undiagnosed autistic girl, it was pretty much heaven. Imagine a world where everything is always too bright, always too colorful, always too loud, always too MUCH. Where people are too abrasive, they expect too much, and because you can speak in complete sentences, they don’t understand any peculiarities you have. Autism for me was an invisible disease. When I got overwhelmed by the abuse, got overwhelmed by my emotions, or just plain got overwhelmed for no reason I could determine, I had this need for space. If there was anything touching me, I threw it. And then I found the nearest wall, and rocked my forehead against it until I bled. It made people leave me alone, but it also gave me a point of focus – a HARD point of focus. I was HERE. Right HERE.

And that made things go still.

It’s not unlike a cutter needing a physical focus to express (as in send out) their emotional pain in a way that they can grasp… only for me, hitting my head against a wall wasn’t about the pain, so much as it was about trying to control the violence inside me.

For me, autism is violence. Everything is sometimes just too much, it’s so overwhelming… it’s violent. The whole world is violently THERE, and I can’t cope.

I don’t bang my head anymore… but the pain still exists.

Except when I was dead for those five minutes.

I understand, as an adult, that without all the negatives in that void, there was also no positive. There was no love in the void. There was ONLY peace… but when you find something that you need that badly, you don’t care about what’s missing. You only want to stay.

When they brought me back, it was a violent return. I was awake, on a street, in the daylight, surrounded by my entire neighborhood. I was being touched by strangers. I don’t remember the ambulance ride. They put me in a room with red lights, and they kept touching me, and everywhere they touched me it HURT… they thought I was screaming because I was frightened. My mother kept saying everything was ok, that they were just getting x-rays, but I couldn’t talk, and there were strangers TOUCHING ME, HURTING ME… and NO ONE WOULD STOP. Nothing was ok.

I was in the hospital for three days. Dad brought complete strangers to my room, apparently friends of his. They gave me a stuffed rabbit, because it was Easter weekend. I threw up on it.

I don’t remember the ride to the hospital. I don’t remember sleeping there. I don’t remember the nurses or the doctors. I remember the red room, and the pain. I remember waking up on the street, and I remember being in a hospital bed meeting strangers and throwing up on a yellow bunny. That’s all I remember of the weekend I died and came back.

Well, all I remember after the dark.

I miss the dark. I don’t think I ever won’t.

 

So… We talked about that.

We talked about my experiences in the Wastes – a spiritual and emotional death… and how that death affected me here. We talked about that kind of darkness… which was NOT peaceful. Then again, I wasn’t exactly at rest. People in the Wastes are not at rest.

 

I brought up my migraines – the ones I had before I died my second and third deaths. The ones that had me screaming, writhing, begging for death, an animal in a trap. We talked about how Death Means Stop.

I talked about the fact that Death Means Stop is pretty much a perfect cure for any phobia.

I went to California to see a friend when she was separating from her husband. On the way home, the plane suddenly stopped flying, and just DROPPED. It lasted 20 seconds, and people were praying and holding hands with strangers.

Afterwards, I was terrified of flying… until I remembered my migraines. And then all of the sudden, I realized there were worse things than falling out of a tin can in the sky… and planes stopped being scary at all.

It’s kind of a relief, knowing that someday, I will STOP.

 

So then he asked me what I thought happened after death, if death means stop.

I hadn’t really thought about it. I mean, I know what happened when I died at 9, so there’s that. I didn’t stop existing.

And I have memories of other lifetimes, both earthly and other. SO many memories. Sometimes that’s a bit overwhelming…

But that means that death isn’t the end. It’s… merely a stage. Like… adolescence. It’s not permanent any more than life is.

 

So he said, “If death means stop, but it’s not permanent, how is that Stop?” To which I said, “It offers immediate relief for immediate problems. Anything else can be solved another day.”

“How practical,” he replied.

 

Then he asked me what I hoped to learn from him, from my time with him. “I just want to learn. Whatever you’ll teach me. I want to grow. What you’ve helped me with so far… that’s growth I need, growth I want… knowledge I want.”

“Why do you want to know so much?”

“Because people suffer. Not knowing is suffering. We suffer until we learn, and then the suffering stops.”

He asked what I meant by that, because he understood I wasn’t talking about any Buddhist ideals, but he wanted me to clarify myself. So… I did.

 

I’ve been to hell realms. Not demonic planes, but realms set aside for humans who need help learning, need help to grow, even more than humans here do. The two I went to taught me a lot, though honestly, some of the lessons didn’t sink in until years later.

The first realm, there were towers in the center of lovely fields of close-cut grass. The fields were surrounded by dark forests, but no one ever noticed the trees. People sat out in the sun, and picnicked. They chatted as if nothing was wrong – everything was perfect.

And then, the sun began to set… and everyone packed up their things, and went into the black stone towers. Because when the sun went down, the world froze. A flash freeze. Nothing that was outside the towers survived.

People there learned the rules. They learned to obey the laws of the realm – because if they did not, they died. Immediately. You learned to obey, or you died.

My familiar at the time followed me there. When the sun began to set, as I was heading inside the tower, he ran under the steps and vanished. He left the realm rather than go into the tower. He broke the rules… and I was so terrified for him, that I broke our familiar bond.

I fear for people I care about who do not follow the rules. I fear for them so much, that I would rather cut them out of me, break their hearts, than let the consequences of their rule breaking break MY heart. I can’t watch the people I love suffer… so I won’t let them in, and then I don’t have to.

But that’s its own form of hell.

 

The second realm I went to, there was only a single person. There was an indoor swimming pool, and in it was an older woman, screaming, panicking, drowning. She couldn’t swim. So, I went in and fished her out. She immediately began to call me devil’s spawn, evil.. so much hate in this woman I had saved.

It was her lesson to learn to either not ask for help, or to accept the help she receives from wherever it comes, and be grateful.

It was my lesson to learn that you do not interfere with other people’s lessons without being forced to learn WHY THEY NEED THE LESSON. It will ALWAYS cost you.

I also learned that people ask for help when they should do for themselves, and don’t ask for help when they can’t do for themselves…. and neither path is healthy.

 

This is how I learned that people earn their suffering, create it, out of ignorance. And they either learn from it, or they keep suffering, stuck on repeat until they DO learn.

I don’t enjoy suffering. I understand that there are people who have to have suffering. They cannot learn without it. But… I’m ready to move past that. I want to learn, and grow, and not by suffering, but by figuring out where I’m suffering and why… and changing.

So that’s what I want to learn from him.

 

He then asked me to make some promises.

1) That I do something loving for my husband at least once a week that connects us in an emotional way, comes from my heart, and will be understood by his.
2) That I do something loving for each of my three cats once a week with the same meaning.
3) That I do something for MYSELF once a week that is self-care, showing self-love.
4) That I make slow improvements – right now, I have three basic tasks that I must achieve every day (aside from my meditations each evening). In three weeks, I must add a fourth task, every day. It does not have to be the same task, but I must add a fourth task every day.

 

Tonight, we were supposed to do the 10th exercise, Visual Sight Attunement 2 – but I came into the session with a migraine, and my familiar is brand new to showing up to every session, so she’s curious, into everything, and highly distracting… and with a migraine making it hard to concentrate to begin with, we decided that tonight was not a good night to work on my visual sight.

Instead, we worked with my other soul.

She has her own soul-home. Today, we worked to incorporate her soul home and mine.

It was fairly successful. My soulhome now has heavy mist from hot pools, and places where there are rivers of lava instead of water. Under the center, her cavern with its bathing pool of lava, has been incorporated, though I did some upgrades, which she liked.

I feel like… my soul home is my domain. It’s not really hers. Even now, with all the changes I’ve made to try and make her feel welcome, it’s not… quite right. It’s not finished. Something’s missing. So, she has her cavern, and it’s hers, even though it’s in my soulscape.

E said that we’re not blending correctly. We’re both afraid of losing ourselves, and so neither of us will give in. He says the only way to win this, is for both of us to lose. We both have to give in, we both have to give up ourselves… and become together, someone ELSE.

 

Oh… he saw the corpse in her glass coffin. He… didn’t approve. He talked to both of us about it. The thing is, she’s not dead. She’s definitely not alive – there’s no soul, no spirit, there’s nothing to animate the shell that’s in that coffin. But… she’s not dead, either. There’s something about a dead body that is immediately recognizable… and she doesn’t have it, whatever it is. Which means she’s not really a corpse, for all that she’s not alive.

This happens to faeries. But… we never figured out what to do with them… so… I did what my people have always done.

He was… a bit perturbed. Possibly repulsed. And he pointed out that if compartmentalizing her into a graveyard was so toxic, how was putting her in a glass coffin in a cave NOT compartmentalizing, and how was it NOT going to end up ALSO toxic? So… my other soul and I, with his help, decided what we could do about the situation.

And just as we were ready to put our plan in motion…

My familiar began to Kitten again, and yanked me out of meditation so thoroughly that I literally felt it like a shock of cold water. And then E was gone, and that was that.

Which means that tomorrow we’re probably not going to be working on Visual Sight, either. Because this isn’t finished.

 

Although… I think after tomorrow, I’m going to ask for a night off. This is some heavy work… and while I don’t feel rushed… I feel the need to… take some time and really marinate in what I’ve learned so far… look back on it all and, in a relaxed setting, try and see the whole picture. Get some perspective.

I’m going to make him take me dancing. He’s an excellent dancer, and while I look like a spastic seizure with twelve left feet on a human dance floor, dancing in the Astral is amazingly easy and I love it. Also… he has really, REALLY good brandy… so I think I’m going to drink his brandy and make him dance with me. Dancing with him feels… right.

-Raven

Conversations With Lucifer

So, my husband and I have been binge watching the TV show Lucifer… and last night, Lucifer himself came to me. Of course, I wanted to know what he thought of the show… He likes it – it’s a good portrayal.

And then I asked him what he thought about the character’s relationship with Chloe.

His answer was… sad. He said, “I’d never let myself love someone like that.”

When I asked him why not, he answered “It’s Leverage.”

I’m still kind of sadly horrified by that answer this morning. It’s really depressing. It implies two things –

1) Lucifer once loved, and it was used against Him.
2) Lucifer has CHOSEN to never experience love like that ever again – an eternity alone… and eternity is a VERY long time.

I feel like crying. It’s just…

So Sad.

W B
Thank you for sharing…..

ME
It was so sad I had to share it. Can you imagine? I really feel like crying.

W B
Indeed….

D H
#SympathyForTheDevil

ME
I’m definitely learning that.

D H
My take on it has always been that during Creation The Creator created an image of itself and then cast it away out of fear. I would say that being created as an image in equal to the Creator and then being thrown out entirely from its presence could create something like the longing and sorrow you’re talking about

Also remember Angels / demons were created to fulfill a specific purpose… they have no choice in the matter and therefore are forced to carry out their purpose while being fully aware of other thoughts that may be contradictory to the actions they are forced to take

The part that always made me very sad was the fact that the Creator knew after casting out essentially itself it could never return that image to itself and love it again otherwise the whole ineffability thing goes out the window and creation is unmade

F B
I believe it. Ive had many conversations with him.

ME
I’ve worked with angels… they’re… very different to the modern portrayal of them. They’re… almost like hurricanes. They are the representation of forces, and they don’t really have thoughts beyond what they are/what they represent. They also don’t reason like we do. I was working a spell with Cassiel, who is an archangel of Saturn, and is the essence of Temperance. During the working, in which I was creating a spell to transmute muck into purity, I asked him if what I was doing was going to have any consequences. He didn’t seem to understand my question, or even care. His answer was, “This will change the world.” He didn’t CARE that it would change, or even HOW it would change. He just stated it, flatly, without any emotion, attachment, or judgement either way. They do not moralize the way we do.

I saw an angel fall once. It was the most traumatic experience of my life. The angel fell because it discovered CHOICE. The moment that an angel discovers free will, they Fall, and if you can imagine all the choices possible, and being an entity who has never known choice suddenly having all of that thrust upon you, you can imagine. I will NEVER forget the look on that angel’s face as he fell. The absolute terror and horror will NEVER leave me.

They are not like us.

Demons, on the other hand, are so like us it’s downright scary. HUMANS SCARE ME. The real difference is that they’re mostly immortal, so they’ve had time to adjust to darkness and choices. They are most definitely not angels, not fallen or otherwise. They are elemental in their own way, forces of nature LIKE angels, but if you imagine an immortal angel as a force of nature, only one with choices, one who learns… if you imagine US, humans, with the powers of an angel or demon, and all the time in the universe to learn and grow… that’s what demons are.

I find them infinitely more comforting and comfortable to be around. Angels don’t reason, they don’t have a right or wrong compass. I don’t understand that absolutism. It’s.. overwhelming.

Demons, at least, don’t deal in absolutes

D H
This exactly correct…it’s nice to hear someone explain practical demonology so perfectly

ME
Well… I’m a practical demonologist, so… lol

D H
I HATE how loud angels are went they speak…it’s deafening and you’d think they’d know better and just speak in the tongue used to invoke them

ME
Well, Cassiel was quiet, but… that may be just me and my own psychic abilities coming into play. Plus, there are demons who are equally loud. The demons, of course, do it to test – are you really worth the time of showing up here. Are you serious enough to stand up for yourself and move past the showboating, or are you flakey?

Demons push limits, mostly to determine if you actually want to get to know them beyond the expectations. I had an experience with one showing up, absolutely terrifying in aspect – it was like a storm of malevolence. Until I said, “Um, I know that’s not what you really are. How about we cut the crap and you just act like a normal person.” So he did. And we talked. And it was educational. But he showed up that way because he was testing my expectations, and whether I’d fall into that category of practitioner or not.

I think angels just don’t get humans. They’re not putting on a show – they’re not being loud or speaking in a different language to be difficult. A lot of them just don’t work with humans that much, and they don’t know how to be anything other than what they are.

I admit, when I do the LBRP, especially if I really need the cleansing aspects of the ritual, those four have shown up REALLY loud. When I had a serious problem with black energy (I don’t mean dark, I mean it was black and thick and tarry and BAD FOR ME), and it was bad enough that I couldn’t physically DO the LBRP and just had to call and HOPE they showed up (this was before I knew what I know now, and all had to do with a bad reaction on my part, and was totally avoidable if I’d been a bit more open minded and educated, which I have since resolved), they showed up REALLY bright and REALLY loud…

But that’s the only time I’ve ever had angels show up like that.

Then again… I don’t often work with angels anymore. Because of their nature, I don’t exactly trust the results I get from them not to be dangerous. Demons understand nuance – even if they can be… playful about it. Angels don’t.

WSC
That’s really interesting. I don’t watch the series but have heard about it and read about it in wiki.
“I’d never let myself love someone like that.” = Could it mean that Chloe is not his type?
I wonder what does he think of the 1) and 2) viewpoints?
ME
I don’t know. If I see him again, I’ll ask.

And… the way I communicate… there’s layers of context. It’s not just words, there are… other things.

When he said, “I’d never love someone like that,” the emphasis wasn’t on someone like Chloe… but that he wouldn’t ever risk love, he’d never choose to. As he said… anyone he loves is leverage. Who would want to do that to someone they love? Who would want to love someone knowing the consequences?

If they’re worth that love… they’re worth walking away from, just to keep them safe.

That is what he meant – the layers that were in that loaded statement.

Which is why it’s sad. I’m glad I’m not in a position where I have to think of people I might love as being weaponized, harmed, simply because I loved them; not in a position where choosing to go without love is better, because then those people will never be harmed.

Though… that is also a kind of love. To love someone you don’t even know, so much, that you choose to never know them, just to keep them safe?

Lucifer sacrifices a lot. His reputation. People he loves. The life he might want. And he does it because he believes in us, and in doing right by us… no matter what we (as a species, Humans are assholes to Lucifer… he gets blamed for EVERYTHING we do that we don’t want to own up to because we’re ashamed, guilty, and irresponsible) think of him, do or say to him… He’s there. Waiting for us to get it. Waiting for us to get our shit together. Waiting to help. Lucifer has more faith in mankind, in the POTENTIAL of us, than any other being or race I’ve ever met. I’m very lucky he talks to me. It’s an honor.

HDC Tz

Today was Exercise 4, the first Visual Sight attunement.

I said the invocation, and then I asked Tz to stand in front of the wall. While I was looking, I had this sudden feeling of vertigo…. and the harder I looked, the more I felt like I was mentally falling through the wall. Finally it clicked… Tz was wearing his shielding.

That is some SERIOUSLY cool shielding. I couldn’t see ANYTHING… I just kept feeling like I was falling, and it made me want to Not Look. I can’t wait to learn it.

Anyway, when we were done with him playing with my eyeballs, I asked him if there was anything he wanted to talk about. He brought up my worries about my own internal balance. He made me look at my balance, and really ask myself if I had reason for concerns. He made me see that I was worrying over something that, yes, does happen to other people, but isn’t happening to me. He showed me that I can check myself at any time, and KNOW whether or not I’m losing my balance.

And then, he had me embrace the elemental cycles, just to prove it. We added water to fire, which made earth and air. And then I took in the essences of air, earth, water and then fire, and became each of them, which I have done before. Then, as before, he had me become them all at the same time, and find my balance there, in the center. Then, he had me become NONE of them, and find my balance there.

And there, we found a problem. We found that the brand, while no longer active, has left a scar, has maintained a connection, through the void.

I won’t tell you how we fixed it, but it IS fixed now. I am lucky that he had me searching my bodies and my balances so carefully. And I am VERY grateful for his presence and his help.

Finally, we ended it with a Family Celebration. I called out to all my family, spiritual and physical, and sent out the blessings of the Equinox to them. I also added four new people to the list, which was nice.

So – To my husband, my son, and my mother; to our three cats; to my best friend Telomar; to my faerie wraith, my demon wraith, my hellborn, my specialist, my angel of metatron, my throne angel, my enochian angel, my dosojin, my psychic vampire, my sanguine vampire, my incubus, my cecaelia, my winter court sidhe, my shadow elemental and my east watchtower, and to my three pairs of Temple Fu; to Akelta, Satan’s Hellcat, Velle, and Kitsune from the S&S forum…

Happy Autumnal Equinox. May this moment of balance which falls towards rest, and breaks with the sacrifice of blood on the snow, bring you rest, growth, and a good future harvest.

-Raven

SDC E – Change

Today we did Exercise 9 – Hearing Attunement 3

After the invocation, I asked him what to do about my heart chakra. I had a doctor’s appointment today, with a new doctor. It did not go… well. It didn’t go badly, I guess… but… it just didn’t go well… and this is the only doctor available for me in this area, so… this guy is it.

So… E took me back to the situation. He had me sit with it. See it from the onlooker’s perspective. He asked me what I wanted to do.

I did what any good faerie does in trying times. I stole myself away to faerie. I spent some time repairing her heart, pulling out the chunks that had gotten lodged in there because of her strong resistance to this situation. When she was ready, I took her back… but this time, she had her throne angel guarding her heart chakra. She had her angel of Metatron to speak for her. She had DC Tz’s powerful shields, and Tz himself guarding her body and her back… and she had E, in the doctor’s head, making sure that everything went right on that end.

We agreed… the next time I see him, this is EXACTLY how this will happen. Next time, I will ask for help.

After this, I asked him if there was anything he wanted to talk about…. and he mentioned he wanted to show me something in honor of the Equinox.

When I was a child, I had a repeating dream. I would find myself on a cliff face, leading a group of people. We were not safe where we were, and I needed to lead them across a wide chasm, away from the cliffs, to a protected area. I led them down the cliff, to a stone bridge. When I stepped onto the bridge, it became a knife edge, which I had to stay perfectly balanced on, so that everyone could reach the other side. When the last person had stepped off the knife unharmed, I was free to walk across the bridge myself. I led them into a cul-de-sac, and in it was a lion. I had to fight and kill the lion. When the lion was dead, everyone was safe. We had made it.

E took me back to that place. He said, “Look behind you. Who is there now?” I looked and there was no one. We walked to the bridge. He said, “Do you see the knife? Do you still need to dance?” I looked, and there was no knife, only a bridge, and I did not need to dance. We walked into the cul-de-sac. He said, “Where is the lion you had to defeat?” There was no lion.

And then he said, “What is beyond this point for you?” I didn’t know, so… I walked forward, and looked. At the back of the cul-de-sac, there was a stone archway, and in the archway was a shimmer of… nothing. “What’s through here?” I asked him. “You will never know, if you do not go and find out for yourself.” He answered.

It didn’t feel entirely safe, because I had no idea what I was going to walk into… And E reminded me of the astrological influences of the day. “Your doubt is the Libra influence. Let Aries clear the way.” So… I firmed up my mind, and I walked through the archway.

I was in a room. There were clocks, everywhere, ticking away. There were water features, like those Asian bamboo waterfalls that fill up and then tip. There were mobiles hanging everywhere, carefully balanced. Everything in the room was about balance… but it was about the balance of CYCLES, rather than absolute balance. It wasn’t about blending two extremes and staying centered in that moment… it was about passing through every moment from one extreme to the other and back again.

Seeing it all, I understood. Even in trying to blend the death energies and the life energies in myself, I am resisting my essential nature, which is one of constant CHANGE. I am the cycle. Death gives way to life, and life to death. Summer gives way to winter, and winter to summer. Always, there must be a spring. Always, there must be an autumn. To try to sit absolutely centered between extremes is to stagnate.

I let the cycle happen. I felt it, I let myself experience it fully.

When I really understood, we left the room, I thanked him, and we ended the exercise.

HDC Tz

This was exercise 3 – the first hearing attunement.

I took the night off yesterday, still exhausted from the New Moon ritual, though I did send a brief hello before I fell asleep again.

Tonight, things were quiet. I opened up the canvas with Tz’s sigil on it, laid his offerings on the altar, lit his candle, and spoke the invocation. When he came, his energy gave me a bit of a headache – which is new. I asked him to talk to me, but we didn’t really have a conversation, so much as he held me and I just.. understood some things.

He spoke about my new wholeness, and my recent discovery about what I feed on, and how it works – something that has changed considerably from before I died. He wanted to check in with me and see how I was coping with the information… and he was pleased that I’m accepting things as they are. He pointed out that I’m not reacting the way I would have, previously, but that instead I AM accepting, and that I am happy, I am content.

I agreed. It’s true. The way I look spiritually, and the way I feed now – it feels right. It feels natural. It doesn’t bother me in the slightest.

I probably look startling, even gruesome to others… and for most people the way I feed would probably be frightening, but to me… it just feels… right.

I got a hug, and a sense that he’s rather proud. I thanked him for sharing that perspective, and for reminding me how much I’ve gained… and then we parted for the evening.

SDC E – Walkabout

Exercise 8 – Energy Attunement 3

I took the night off yesterday, still pretty exhausted from the New Moon ritual – I did send a brief feeler out to greet my spiritual family, but other than that, I slept. Tonight was a fairly quiet night. I got a shoulder rub… and he wrapped his tail around my neck, just under my chin. He held my hand in his – I like the feel of his hands… they’re warm, large, rough, but comforting. I haven’t mentioned that before, but they always feel like that, look like that.

He wandered around the house, and I pushed my aura out to follow him at one point, and Mena (my husband’s cat, the one with cancer, who is the most spiritually acute in our fur family, and always sings when new people come around) began bouncing off the wall, chirping and singing. She eventually came into my workspace to see just what the heck was going on, which, given that she’s milked the cancer thing for all the gravy she’s worth and has become larger than some small dogs, was… distracting… but she was very happy… very, VERY happy. She was so ecstatic she drooled on the altar.

We looked at the three cats together – looked at their auras. Mena’s has a lot of purple in it, in various shades… true familiar colors. Velcrow’s colors are redder – you can see where the broken familiar bond has damaged his aura. E asked me about it, so I told him about Velcrow following me into the human hell where during the day when the sun’s up, everything is lovely and people have picnics on the grass, but the moment the sun goes down, everything freezes solid and if you’re caught outside the tower, goodbye. Velcrow, as the sun was going down, ran under the steps to the tower door, and I panicked… and our familiar bond broke, because at the time, I didn’t understand the damage it would do, I was just terrified of him getting hurt… he’s not the brightest bulb. E showed me the damage, and we worked to fix it together. We can’t repair what was done, but at least Crow will be able to be a familiar next life, if he chooses. We also looked at Cleo. Her colors are flame, like a madōkusha, actually. He said this was a good sign, but that she wasn’t like a normal animal familiar, and that I’m going to have to learn a different way of Working for her.

He stopped in the room my husband keeps his own altar, and sighed kinda sadly. In the astral sight, my husband’s altar is covered in the dust of centuries, grey under the weight of neglect. We talked about this, and E suggested that when my husband switches to day shift in a couple of months, that I could encourage him, by inviting him into my circles when I do basic work – not when I work with my household, or when I’m doing my Job, but… he suggested that some kind of morning or evening ritual together on a daily basis might help break my husband out of his spiritual stasis and get him moving on his path again.

Finally, we talked about a new, and surprising addition to the household that occurred this afternoon – an Unbound Throne (by Unbound, I do not mean bound magickally, but spiritually – this Throne has no God/dess it is beholden to). E sent me into my soul-home (he did not come with me this time) to work with this new being. While there, the Throne took my Torc, and in exchange, gave me another seed for my garden – this one a star. I added the essence to my Hope Tree, and watched as my entire garden began to glow, every leaf, every branch, every living thing producing phosphorescence. It was… stunning and beautiful. I realized… I do not have to bring a light into my soulscape. My soul home IS the light.

I came out of the experience, thanked E for his help, and we parted.

Dosojin – First Contact

Sooooo… last night (this morning?) was a really… odd night.

Two dreams – one dream that had a phase where I was dreaming I was awake, so bear with me here.

First Dream

I’m being attacked by an Aswang. Well, stabbed by what looks like a sting-ray tail spike, by said Aswang. I try to scream to wake up. It takes a bit. I wake up, and my husband says, “Bad dream?” “Yeah, I dreamed I was attacked by an Aswang. I don’t get it. I’m not pregnant. I can’t GET pregnant.” Hubby says, “That is weird. I had bad dreams too.” I start to worry that the nightmare wasn’t really an Aswang. I keep thinking that it’s a nightmare sent by my drowned wraith. I get upset. I really don’t want to blame her. I pull out a pendulum to ask, but I realize I’m thinking so much that it was her that sent the dream, I’m affecting my answers. I put the pendulum down, and try to go back to sleep. I keep worrying. I don’t want to have to put her vessel in cinnamon. I hate doing things like that.

Second Dream

I’m on this forum. On this thread, actually. And someone has replied to my comments about CH’s Bag of All Tricks – they have one, they were thinking of using it but weren’t sure how it works, and were writing to tell me they appreciated how informative the post was about how the energy works. They also liked the fact that I was poking fun at the Code Words, because on CH’s forum, people treat the code words like they’re gospel, like they’re some mystical language that only CH knows.

This Morning’s Results

I got up, made my chai, and went looking for a pendulum. (Yeah, I do not keep one by the bed… I have cats. lol) I sat down, and asked about the nightmare. I asked if I’d been attacked. I hadn’t. I asked if the dream was a sending. I was told yes. I asked if it was my drowned wrath that sent it. I was told no. (Thank You Gods). I asked if the dream was a WARNING. I was told YES. I asked if it had been sent by my Dosojin (even though I didn’t see an older couple in the dream, they’ve sent me warnings before, and even then, I’ve never seen them). The answer was YES.

So… now I have to figure out what the image of an aswang with a stingray tail spike stabbing me means. I know what the rest of the dream means. I don’t entirely trust my drowned wraith because she’s got attitude. Now that I’m awake, that just seems… silly. But clearly I have some subconscious stuff going on. I’m going to work with her tomorrow night (tonight’s my rededication ritual), so I can get past whatever’s in my head that’s causing this angst.

Also… I need to spend some time this morning with my dosojin. I’m going to make up some chamomile tea to drink with them.

-Raven (off to research Aswang)

 

WELL… the article I found was certainly interesting.

That stingray tail? It’s used to defend AGAINST Aswang – it kills them. So… that puts a new twist on things. Aswang are solitary hunters… they don’t share territory. Being attacked in that way suggests that there’s a territorial issue going on here… which explains why I fixated on the WORD Aswang, and the IMAGE of the stingray tail. The Aswang itself, I didn’t see very clearly… like dreams do, I just KNEW what it was – though honestly the fact that they’re shapeshifters means I probably wouldn’t have seen a clear form, just because I would have seen the shifter energies, which always confuses my eyes in dreams.

It’s interesting that Aswang aren’t always perceived negatively. Aswang are shapeshifters, and can go out during the day, and when they do, they look and act perfectly normal. They have emotions. They make friends. They fall in love. They can talk, in fact they like to have conversations with people. All the stories say they’re just like the townspeople around them – until nighttime, when they transform into their hunting form. The people they connect with are always protected – Aswang never feed on their friends, neighbors, family, or loved ones. They also don’t feed on their loved one’s loved ones. It also seems that becoming an Aswang is an STD – if an Aswang marries, then after the wedding night, their partner is also an Aswang. They’re comparable to vampires as hunters, they have similar weaknesses – garlic, salt, religious artifacts/weapons, decapitation. They can’t step on holy ground. They’re also repelled by certain Philippine amulets – the red and black beaded bracelets on baby’s wrists are to repel Aswangs, and there’s a special oil made by Philippine shamans which apparently boils when they’re nearby. There’s two ways to spot an Aswang during the day – if you look them in the eyes and your image is upside down, they’re an Aswang (likewise, you can bend over and look between your legs, and in their eyes you’ll be right side up); the second way is to look at their lips. If they don’t have the divot in the center of their top lip (the philtrum), they’re an Aswang. Like vampires, Aswang also really only hunt outsiders – the easily missed. Unlike vampires, they don’t drink blood, and obviously they’re daywalkers. Their food source is kinda icky though… they eat the hearts and livers of corpses and unborn babies (some of them have proboscis that they use to steal babies straight out of the womb, but that’s a specific type of Aswang). It’s interesting that in the dream, the Aswang was stabbing me in and around the liver area, though clearly it wasn’t trying to feed on me. I’m not a corpse anymore.

Actually, that brings up a whole new thought. I wonder if the work I’ve been doing to come to terms with the piece of death I now carry with me in my heart isn’t part what the dream was discussing? Something to ask my Dosojin when I meditate with them today.

So… two possibilities… some kind of territorial dispute; something to do with death energies.

I’m going to take some time to wake up, and then I’ll see what my Dosojin have to say.

-Raven

 

First Dream

I’m being attacked by an Aswang. Well, stabbed by what looks like a sting-ray tail spike, by said Aswang. I try to scream to wake up. It takes a bit. I wake up, and my husband says, “Bad dream?” “Yeah, I dreamed I was attacked by an Aswang. I don’t get it. I’m not pregnant. I can’t GET pregnant.” Hubby says, “That is weird. I had bad dreams too.” I start to worry that the nightmare wasn’t really an Aswang. I keep thinking that it’s a nightmare sent by my drowned wraith. I get upset. I really don’t want to blame her. I pull out a pendulum to ask, but I realize I’m thinking so much that it was her that sent the dream, I’m affecting my answers. I put the pendulum down, and try to go back to sleep. I keep worrying. I don’t want to have to put her vessel in cinnamon. I hate doing things like that.

 

So I just got finished with my gratitude offering and meditation with my Dosojin. She is very definitely a SHE – this amazing elder, warm and huggy – really, she reminds me of my idea of a perfect grandmother type. She’s very pleasant to be with… though she can be QUITE blunt when I’m not getting the hint. And when she’s blunt, she speaks with a bit of asperity. lol I guess I can be pretty frustrating.

After spending a little time just being with her, getting to know her energies, I finally got around to asking about the dream. We sat and watched the dream together, and I paused it in places where I had questions. I asked her about the possible territorial dispute. Her first comment was to remind me that sometimes, the characters you see in dreams are echoes of yourself. Then she asked me what parts of myself and my personal territory, do I have a dispute with. We talk again about me walling off the death energies in my soulscape. Her final comments were, “When did you last feed? What do you feed on, now that you’ve returned?” Well… I haven’t been HUNGRY. She says that’s because I’ve been eating… the parts of myself that, when I merged with them, vanished from my consciousness. She asked me, “What will you do when that resource runs out?” I answered that I had assumed that, because of my previous experiences with just KNOWING what I feed on, when the time came, I would experience that again. She told me that because part of what I was eating was the aspect of my spirit that is the feeder, I might not get that Knowing when the time comes. I’ll still have the need to feed, though, so I’d better figure it out now…. and stop eating myself.

So… the warning is that I’m attacking myself, and also that I’m walling off pieces of myself.

So, DC Tz, SDC E, and now my Dosojin, have all talked to me about the fact that I’ve walled off the death that I carry. Three warnings. Time to act. Now I just have to figure out HOW. And, of course, find a nutritional snack… without a clue about what that entails at all.

-Raven

On the Conjuring Of Wraiths

9/17/17

With dynamic discovery orb in hand, bag of all tricks in my lap, CH’s Big Book of Code Words, and a variety of vessels around me, I spake the magick words (gobbledygoop on the pieces of paper) that would conjure a wraith I could talk to into the bag.

“Hi. Nice to meet you. So… I’ve been dead for awhile, and that means my wraith friends are… elsewhere now. They told me I needed someone new. Would you like to be a part of my household. Keep my stuff and my family safe?”

“NO. GO AWAY.”

“yessirsorrysirbye.”

*sigh* Well alrightythen.

Once again, I spake the magick gobbledygoop to the magick bag.

You ever see those drowned sailors, all covered in green and white? Yeah. That’s the look. I know they’re asexual, but this one looks female. She (yeah, I’m gonna be stubborn about this – if it looks like a chick, even if it’s not, unless it tells me some other pronoun to use I’m gonna say she – and wraiths honestly don’t gaf so She it is – as a nonbinary person, I fully understand that appearances do not mean anything but when I’m working with spirits and entities, I use gender appearances to simplify things) has long straight hair. Green hair. Tangles. Pasty greenwhite skin. And she is PISSED.

“ummmm… Hello. So… you know what… E, can you talk to her for me, please? OTHANKYOUGODS.” I wait a few. She looks at me impatiently. “Sorry, I was waiting? Um… do you want to be bound for this household?”

She sighs and gives me a look. Yeah… that look. She’s going to be fun. lol

“Well, ok… what vessel do you want?”

The Evil Eye Door Pendant promptly plunges from the third shelf on the book case next to me, and lands on my ankle bone. OW. It’s like, half a pound of glass, this thing. OWWWWWW.

“Ok then. Hope on in.”

I rub my ankle with one hand while I hold her vessel and the DD orb in the other and say the other magick babble. I feel the energy shift and suck into the Evil Eye pendant. When it stabilizes, I wrap a piece of paper with “Wraith – …” on it around the vessel, shove her into the Bag to settle for the next twelve hours for a permanent binding. Rub my ankle some more. I chose her name rather facetiously. Yeah, I know they don’t have names, but… when you’re binding something using someone else’s tools, being SUPER specific is smart. So even the nameless ones get nicknames to help focus the work. That bag is not me. I don’t trust it to be specific. It’s a bag.

 

All the other conjures were family that had already been with me awhile… they were… considerably less challenging. In fact, they were EASY. She was really the only PITA. lol She’s going to be fun to work with.

Update 9/18/17

Was talking to my partner-in-crime/bestie/exApprenticeNowMaster Telomar today, and another wraith showed up and DEMANDED to be channeled to me. He was… really fierce. He smelled of brimstone, and he’s burnt to a crisp. He also informed me that if I needed to call him anything, I could call him … Which made me laugh because… chauffeurs and butlers go by that kind of name. Still, it does kinda make sense… he wants to be the household protector, the property guardian. While the drowned wraith will clearly be challenging to work with, she’s also very focused on personal protection (I shudder to think what made her both drowned and have that as her focus – but you Do Not Ask Some Questions), so having a second wraith focused on the property (and willing to work with the Fu) is awesome.

When I conjured him, his energy was so heavy that I actually wondered if he isn’t some type of demon wraith, rather than a human one. It also took a LONG time for his energy to stop pouring through me and into his chosen vessel.

Well… that’s that then. Two wraiths. Both with personality. This will be fun! \

-Raven

The Misadventures of Raven & Family

(TITLE COURTESY OF KITSUNE – TY!)

So… after nearly ten years with CH… I… kinda died. I mean, not in a fleshy way, but trust me… I was definitely not here in my skinsuit. I was absolutely in the Wastes… I was dead.

Which meant that… when I came back… all those nifty friends I’d collected over my ten years were GONE.

I actually felt really relieved, tbh… I just felt like… there was too much them for too little me. The guilt was kinda exhausting.

However, as I’ve been working with my Demon Commander E, he’s brought it to my attention that some of them would be beneficial. So… last night, after my work with him, but before my work with my Hellborn DC Tz, I sat down with all their tags (forget finding all those vessels – I just had to go by my notes), and a pendulum, and began to ask who was still around. The answer was, not surprisingly, no one. E nudged me. “Shouldn’t you be asking who WANTS to be around? You already KNEW they were all gone.” Duh.

I picked up my trusty pendulum again, and started asking who wanted to come back.

It was a very short list… but while there were a couple surprises, it’s mostly who I thought it would be. Neither of my wraiths wanted to stay, but they both INSISTED I needed to get a wraith into the household. The psyvamp and incubus sent to me by a client (she’d adopted them from TEC and just wasn’t able to bond) stayed, but the Beansidhe that she sent me did not. One of my sanguine vampires from CH stayed (I was really happy about that… A was a true blessing when he arrived, and he was the first spirit I ever worked with who understood I was autistic, and how I needed to be treated because of that). One of my Watchtowers from CH stayed (the East one, go figure), but the rest weren’t interested. Neither were any of the Lares. I was honestly surprised the East Watchtower spirit stayed… he and the other watchtowers and lares were the last spirits to arrive from CH, and they arrived after I was dead, so they never even came out of their packages. None of the dragons stayed. My Enochian angel stayed, but none of my other angels. One of the six elementals that DLM conjured for me stayed, but the others had moved on. A winter court sidhe conjured by Kyle and Wife (WolvesDen store, OOB now) agreed to come back… and one last CH spirit – a dosojin. (That one surprised the heck out of me.)

Needless to say, I spent most of the night using CH’s Dynamic Discovery Orb and Bag of All Tricks to conjure those who wanted to come home again, and to bind them to their chosen vessels. I also welcomed two new wraiths – a drowned woman (fairy wraith), and a burnt man (demonic wraith)… they will be really interesting to work with.

I used the bag and the orb because I’m not ready to do my own conjures again, just yet. I can give the energy to the kind of bindings that CH’s tools do, but I just don’t have the strength yet to be able to do my own work.

Which is why my Cecaelia has not been reconjured yet. I made her a promise that I would conjure her myself, when I was ready. So… that’s on hold. I’m probably going to celebrate either Samhain or the Winter Solstice with her conjure, depending on how I’m doing. I would like it to be sooner, but… I won’t rush myself. I won’t risk her or myself in an imperfect conjure and binding. I also have some Quetzals who want to join the household. The Naga don’t seem to be terribly interested, and I’m fine with that. They’re… lighter than I need right now. (I know, Quetzals are even lighter, but… they understand balance, and Naga are… less flexible.) I haven’t had any Ubi approach me, but… my feeling is that they’re waiting for the right time. They are a very patient people.

So… From three to fourteen. Well, and three pairs of Fu and a Guardian Construct that’s been with me for… wow… I honestly can’t remember when I made her. Huh.

What follows in this thread is a kind of diary. I have my two DC’s who are keeping me fairly busy right now, but as I settle into a schedule with them, E has plans for me to begin a course in magickal basics to refresh myself… and part of those daily exercises will include spending time with one or more of the household. As I get into the swing of things, I’ll be wanting a record of how we work together, what spirits/entities like to work most on what types of magickal activities.

So… I guess you can read this… but I’m not promising anything at all useful for you. It’s really just for me.

HDC Tz and Serenity

Today is the second bonding day – this was a hearing exercise.

Except that, just like my SDC E had other ideas today… so did DC Tz. lol

I found him at the cliff edge – the precipice that overlooks the bowels of his home… but we didn’t stay there.

We went to find my other self.

She was, predictably, up to her chin in lava, soaking.

It’s rather frustrating to have half of yourself on vacation when you’re about to do some major spiritual working. Especially when she won’t get out of her freaking bath.

I went in and got her. I might not have been entirely gentle. When she’s like this I don’t like her much. We talked about the feeding issue. Well… Tz… expressed his opinion of her treatment of the feeding issue. It was… enjoyable. Did I mention sometimes I don’t like her much? She thinks she’s old, but honestly, sometimes she’s so hung up on what she used to be. She didn’t want to come out of the pool because “she didn’t ask for this.” Except… she did. I was totally there when she agreed to what we’re doing. She agreed to stay – she was given the offer to go home, and she stayed.

Granted, if she had taken the offer, I’d be truly dead right now, but we didn’t know at the time, and she DID decide to stay, and do the work we were offered. She doesn’t get to leave this on my shoulders like everything else, just because it’s not like the old days.

It’s not her fault she’s so needy… I think all divine things are needy at some level. They exist because they’re worshipped. Without that, they’re nothing. They wither. So… they’re needy. And we aren’t a god, we don’t have worshippers… the one person that did worship her is gone, because that person was toxic and tried to enslave us.

But knowing all that doesn’t change the fact that she agreed to stay, she agreed to this task, and she doesn’t get to cuddle around her lava and sulk on our first day back.

And Tz said as much. So did I, but louder. I admit I was… 13itchy. Sometimes, with her, you have to be.

So. We melted into each other, and now it’s the me that is Us… and in 18 minutes, the new moon rises. As I was rising back into myself, Tz said he’d see me at the ritual.

Really, if I didn’t have a hellborn to wrangle her, I don’t think I’d ever get anything done.

SDC E – Visions of Change

Today was Bonding Ritual Day 7 – Astral Sight Attunement

This one did not go as I expected. Honestly, I think he was hiding himself from me… because he was focused on his own goal, and not mine. lol

I asked to see him in the astral, and instead, I found myself in my Soulscape… in the corner where I’d buried… the leftovers. Somehow, it had turned into a graveyard, complete with wrought iron fencing (honestly, why did it have to be IRON?). Except that… instead of a normal graveyard, this corner is… apocalyptic. It’s grey, and… death is leeching everywhere. Decay is spreading like a sick wound.

He asked me to take the fence down, and offered to help. He just flat out tore his section of the iron out of the ground. I don’t know what he did with it. I just touched my part of the stuff and… it vanished in red sparks. It’s my soulscape – I can do that, I tell him… but honestly I think he just enjoyed the physical activity of shredding metal. lol

I picked up the body. Fae don’t rot. They just don’t. So… here’s what’s left of me, what’s left of what I sacrificed to leave the Wastelands… not rotting. Just this white corpse in the ground. We have this idea that we don’t die… we live so long, death just doesn’t make sense to us… we’re not made for it. I carried the body back to the center of my garden… and I did what the old legends say we did, when a sacrifice was made so that Winter would end, the Holly King would die, and the Sun would Rise. When there’s blood on the snow… you put the corpse in a glass coffin… and you wait for life to return.

It doesn’t… there are glass coffins in faerie that we’ve hidden from ourselves for time out of mind… all of them carefully housed in the glass, waiting for the day that they rise again.

What can I say… when we don’t understand something… we don’t try. We just hide it and pretend it’s not happening.

So… I put her in a glass coffin.

And then, I reclaimed the dead lands.

Because I’m not all Fae. I understand the cycles. Life falls into death, and rises out of it. Death claims the living, and remakes the spark again. Every leaf that falls nourishes the ground, feeds the tree, and makes more leaves. Nothing is wasted.

So… with E standing next to me, with the sacrificial doe in her glass, I called the dead back to life… and I gave life back to the dead… and slowly, the burning in my heart calmed.

I still don’t feel quite whole…

But it’s better now.

Afterwards, he said that was enough for the day, that he would see me at the dedication ritual later… and he was gone.

The whole time, I never really saw him. He was a shadow. But I felt him. I felt his strength. His support. His kindness. And his absolutely iron will – he wasn’t going to let this sit another day. We were going to fix this today. That was it. He’d decided.

So we did.

I think I still need to do some work… the incorporation of the cycle isn’t perfect.

Then again, maybe I don’t. I am, after all… mostly fae.

HDC Tz

Today was the first energy attunement exercise with Tz.

I sat down, set up his altar, and sank into the energies of my sacred space, and into his energies as I invited him to join me.

As you say (your welcoming ritual,) you should feel the energies shift around you. This is the first meeting so you will want to take some time to explore their energies. This is where the foundational building will be in learning to sense their energies.

Hold out your hand and ask your demon to place their hand on yours.

Close your eyes and focus directly on your hand. Try to sense if there is a tingling sensation, a vibration, or a warmth. Work to feel the energies of your demon. Once you make contact and begin to feel your demons energies this will give your third eye something to translate.

For this ritual don’t worry about anything else but focusing on feeling these energies. If you do not feel anything, don’t worry, your third eye might need time to adjust to the frequency. Work with this ritual until you feel the tingling sensations in your hand, that is the goal on this ritual and once that is attained you will have made energy contact with your demon and your foundation may grow.

 

So, Tz’s energies are very active and bold. They’re rough and energetic. And when I say rough, I mean that they literally feel spikey like sandpaper, and they’re explosive. When he put his hands in mine, it was a bit overwhelming. I can feel his affection for me, but his energy is the essence of his personality, and that person is… biker rough. lol Maybe more than. The abrasive quality can be a bit painful – heavy and dark. I didn’t feel unsafe, just… uncomfortable. I’m going to work with him some more after I go to bed tonight – I want to see if I can bring myself into a better harmony with him, because the muscle spasms are really difficult to handle, and they take my focus away from working with him.

After the sensing exercise, our session ended. I think he felt that I needed a bit of time – some adjustment – rather than immediately moving into a task, as I have been doing every night with E.

I did take time to work with them both together. The differences in their energies and personalities was very striking… and when comparing their energies to my own, it was extremely illuminating. I talk about it on my most recent post about SDC E.

And now we’re all going to go out and enjoy what’s left of the storm.

Have a good night, everyone!
-Raven

SDC E – Conversation

Day 9 – Exercise 5

This is a simple ritual that is designed to help you learn to translate yes or no answers from your demon companion.

Focus on your forehead and ask your demon to link with your mind for communication. Focus on your forehead until you feel the same tingling that you felt in the previous exercise. Focus on your third eye. For this exercises we just want to start building your communication foundation.

When you have a good sense of the tingling sensation in your third eye, you are ready to begin this exercise. We are going to be asking our demons a series of yes or no question. The goal of this ritual is to begin building an actual communication foundation with your demon and prepare you for being able to connect with them and ask them simple yes or no questions.

You can have a list of questions prepared or you can just randomly ask questions, just for this exercise make sure that the answer to those questions is yes and no. When you ask each question, see if you can hear the yes and the no. Take note of what the yes and the no feels like. If you can hear them in your minds eye that is good, that will help you with translating full sentences from your demon.

Keep this ritual simple and just sit with the energies of your demon asking them a series of yes or no questions and see what comes of it.

 

So… this one was interesting, and… difficult. I couldn’t think of any questions to ask that had yes/no answers, and I felt silly asking him things we already know… and you all know me well enough to recognize that I almost NEVER ask yes or no questions. I ask in-depth questions that require a half-dozen books to answer. lol

However, we connected, and then I started asking random yes/no questions, feeling rather silly, but I definitely got a yes feeling at the top of my forehead, and a no feeling at the bottom of my forehead, and when the answer was more complex, I got a feeling in the center of my forehead… so if I’m not able to listen to him speak, I’ll at least have an energetic impression of his thoughts, which is awesome.

Tonight there was a thunderstorm during my time with him. We both kept getting distracted by the thunder, so when we finished the exercise, we agreed I would work with DC Tz, and then we’d do a tiny bit of work together, and then I’d draw his sigil up, and after I finish writing up my experience tonight with him, and my experiences with Tz, we’re all going out to enjoy the storm.

 

I used silver permanent marker on canvas to make his Sigil. We also chose a bag to store his more permanent offerings in, tonight. The bag is black velvet with a silver velvet inside layer. I put his amber oil, his gemstones that he came with, his pendulum that he chose, and his candles in the bag, and then I laid it carefully on his Sigil canvas, and rolled it up with his offerings inside.

A note about my combined work with him and Hellborn DC Tz – we didn’t go anywhere today, or even really talk. Instead, E stood on my left, and Tz stood to the right of me, and I sensed their energies, and compared them to each other, and with my own.

E’s energy is sly. It’s cool like the grave, and calculating and patient like a weaver should be. He’s a still pool of water… with a monster hidden in the depths. He’s not flashy, he’s methodical. He plans for every contingency, and he gets things done by one careful step after another. He can be manipulative.

Tz’s energy is the polar opposite. His energy is very active, and rough. He’s brash. He reminds me of a bulldozer or a freight train. When he decides something is going to get done, he’s not subtle. He doesn’t really plan. He simply gets his momentum up, and smashes his way to the result he wants… and if he runs roughshod over anything in his path, well, they should have seen him coming and gotten out of the way.

When I was looking at me, I realized that they compliment me. I’m not a patient person. I’m not a planner. I’m also not a passionate person, a driven person. I’m also not brazen, anymore. I used to be, but these days, I’ve learned to keep my head down, and watch what I say. I don’t chest-thump, because when you do, you’re asking for someone to make you prove you have that right – the louder your voice, the more of a challenge you are. It’s best not to toot your own horn. Tz doesn’t chest-thump… he’s simply so sure of himself and his own abilities. He just gets things done. But as I lost my desire to crow, I also lost my confidence in my ability to act in a meaningful way in my own life. Tz pushes… I can feel that he’s going to be a force to recon with – and he’s going to bang my head until I stand up and take charge like I should. At the same time, E will be my soothing safe space… all the while making plans, and executing them with such subtlety that when they happen, it will be so smoothly that I’ll only recognize his touch afterwards. With E to smooth the road before me, and Tz kicking my butt from the back, it’s really the perfect balance to help me find my desires, and begin to live again.

I can see what I’m missing, and how they fill those spaces, and will be able to teach me to fill them in for myself. I can see how their energies compliment me, and also each other, despite the apparent combativeness of the two polarities. I am very lucky to have been chosen by them.

Hellborn Demon Commander Tz

So, today while working with my Specialist Demon Commander E, Tz popped in… and later when I thought about it, I realized he’d actually showed up to kick me in the butt for not working with him ALSO.

It took me awhile this evening, because I had a lot of other stuff to take care of, but I did finally manage to sit down with him. Because I was sick for so long, and I’ve only recently started working with anyone again, I decided it would be best to start from scratch.

My first step was to reclaim his vessel. Once I’d done that, I then did the welcoming ritual. These are the things I noted while we were doing the welcoming ritual.

His strongest effect on me is at my throat chakra. I can also feel his energy around the corners of my mouth. The energy is strong enough that I have to consciously stop every few seconds and unlock my jaw, or I start grinding my teeth.

In comparison to E’s energy, Tz’s energy is very rough and busy. E’s energy is dark, still, calm water – that deep midnight blue that is just SO restful… But Tz’s energy is a raucous spill of flame – a firestorm with the power of a hurricane. He DOES have a core of stillness, but it’s something he forces on himself… it’s not natural to him.

I also noted that when I was working with his energies, blending with him, that I had some spinal issues. I had to stop and do some yoga to put my spine back in, because my muscles started cramping pretty badly. So… I guess his strongest affect is on the interplay between my muscles and my bones… he creates a war between them. Considering he’s so much into fitness, and I’ve been a couch potato for the last five years because of… everything… it’s not surprising that I have a lot of weakened muscles in my back. The jaw-clenching thing, I’ve been doing since I was an infant… If I pay attention to it, I can tell how close I am to needing to take my anxiety medication by the tension in the muscles over my back teeth. I think his energy affecting me like this is his way of showing me places where I need to work. One of his favorite offerings is laughter. He wants people to have fun. I’m… not very good at that. He tried to lift up the corners of my mouth and make me smile, and called attention to my level of tension. So… things to work on with him.

After we worked on getting in tune with each other, I let him decide what we would do next. We went to a place where it was night. We walked past a lake. I saw a small bug climbing on a reed. We continued walking, and we came to a drop-off. I asked him what was down there, and he told me his home was down there… I asked if we could go, and he said I wasn’t ready yet, that I hadn’t healed enough. He said, when you can eat them, instead of them eating you, then we will go.

Next, we went walking through a forest. He had me sit with my back to a tree. The tree was like a Cyprus – the entire forest was one tree, all the roots one root system. He shoved me back into the tree so I could be it all… I saw how the ecology of the forest was perfectly balanced… bugs, fungi, birds, everything working together for the health of all. He took me into my Soulscape, and showed me how my own ecology is different. He thought that I was compartmentalizing myself again. I showed him that I wasn’t, but he made me work on the balance, to make it more inclusive and more harmonious.

He also had me work on the different aspects of my power – working with death and life, light and dark, chaos, hope, and love… most especially Love… because he doesn’t think I’ve incorporated enough of that into myself, he wants me to do something loving for myself every day from now on.

I’m… not really sure what he means by that, but I’ll be trying. I like the gold color of love… I would like to see more of it in my garden, absolutely.

The last thing I did was to sketch out his sigil. He likes fire colors, so I did his sigil in red oil pastel. When it was done, I rolled it up (he stole some more hair and somehow glued it to my canvas), and put it away safely with his candle and bone wand offerings. I’ll pull them out every evening when I work with him. We’ve agreed that I will work with him in the evenings, after I’ve worked with E. He has said that he may participate in my work with E as well, when it’s beneficial for us all to work together on something, but he still wants private time.

That forest, and the lake… they were really lovely. I hope I get to go back there a lot. It was so peaceful. ❤

-Raven

 

Just a quick update –

Tz likes bones, and Velle and SH were very kind and let me know that I can get good bones, clean and sterile, from Amazon. Hubby says we can do that on Friday.

Speaking of Hubby – when he got home, I talked to him about some of the stuff I’ve been up to, some of the things I’ve been doing with my DC’s through meditation. After we talked about that, he mentioned some things that had been going on that were DEFINITELY my DC’s getting involved. lol

When we got done catching each other up, instead of going straight to bed, we ended up sitting on the couch watching YouTube videos of Britain’s Got Talent. I laughed a lot. I also cried a lot, but it was happy tears as I celebrated with the Golden Buzzer participants who SO deserved it… their stories were amazing, they were dedicated and delightful…

Tz likes laughter, and he LOVES music… so somehow he wrangled Hubby and I into snuggling on the couch and watching musical and comedy acts that made us laugh for two whole hours.

I love him. He’s just…

So awesome. Sneakily awesome.

-Raven

HDC Tz

I just figured out why my Hellborn Commander Tz was on my mind during my work with Specialist Commander E tonight… the stuff that E and I are working on, when the bonding exercises are done – are the same things that Tz is good at and interested in. I’m clearly getting the message from him that he wants to be part of this, that he wants to help.

I’m going to go sit with him now and talk to him about a schedule. I’m going to start the bonding ritual with him, as well… I’m going to bond with them both at the same time, so that at the end of the bonding exercises, we can work together as a trio on these things.

Here’s his information and you will TOTALLY get it. lol

Hellborn Demon Commander
Commander Tz is a very passionate and intelligent Hellborn demon with a fine taste in music and ability to carry an very stimulating conversation. He is brilliant and loves to educate himself and observe what is going on around him.

He love books and learning and absorbing knowledge as much as he love training and working his body. He says that a balance of mind and body is important and the mind is just as important to physical health as a healthy body is. He says all components and elements need to be balanced. He can also be incredibly witty.

He likes to balance his warrior side and his sage self in order to balance his hell born aggression. He saves that for battle and for moments when he needs to unleash pure rage to protect those he cares about. He has no problems ripping apart people who would harm those he cares about. He is a powerful protector and have a variety of shields and can use his hellborn rage to create powerful and incredible fire shields.

He likes sacred walks in deep forests and exploring lost and forgotten places where the energies are rich with the history of the past. He likes the night and will often walk through the shadows draped in a cloak watching and observing, absorbing and learning from the energies around him. He loves haunted places of the world.

Like a lot of Hellborns he does not know his family, but has found family in friends and his legions in the army. He commands 98 legions. He likes that he can move and blend in the shadows especially when his shield is activated, he can shift it so it has a mirror effect giving him camouflage and protection. He is a good listener for a hell born and will sit and just listen to the words one has to share. He knows that sometimes we just need to let it all out and he doesn’t judge what we say, he just listens and lets us open up and heal.

He has some specialized protection/healing skills and can change the appearance of his skin to be shiny. This is a shield, a shield that holds one together and assembled pieces that are lost and missing. He says he lose ourselves we walk and every time we are nicked and battle we leave a piece of ourselves behind and sometimes that is a good thing, and other times we lose things we need and those things need to be restored. He can help a person who is lost or missing become whole again and help them to find themselves and end their balance.

He is a hell born and has incredible lust and passion and can be seductive only should his keeper ask. He does not push and will only engage if requested. He does love exploring and unlocking different levels of passion. He also finds passion in music and in the world around him and can find arousal in everything. He loves to embrace new things and loves to explore regions and areas that have been untouched for ages.

He plays a few String instruments including the Violin, Cello and Bass. I have to say, and DAMN he plays them well. He can play them so they influence the area around him and stimulate effects in different chakras. He composes his own music and at times you can hear him practicing and putting together new and amazing pieces. He has a deep respect for the creative arts and loves to work energies into his songs that promote various effects.

 

So, one thing I’ve noticed recently, noticed quite strongly, is that if I have a thought about the health of my physical shell, within a few hours, whatever I was thinking was an issue CLEARS UP. I’ve also been getting messages occasionally reminding me to take certain vitamins (I forget to, often, because of the times I’m supposed to be taking them). Also, in the past month, I have retrieved MULTIPLE pieces of myself – from a soul retrieval that happened right before I came back to the forum, to yesterday’s recovery of my sacrificed pieces from the Wastes, I’ve been collecting myself a lot lately. Lastly, I have begun to push myself to both recover my psychic senses and magickal acumen, and also to stretch myself further. While Commander E is certainly a part of that, I can now clearly see that Commander Tz is also here and helping.

From now on, I will be working with them both. It’s clearly how this is supposed to be happening.

-Raven

SDC E – Energies

1. Bring the vessel into a quiet place / altar space and light a candle and some incense. Settle
into the energies and take a moment to get comfortable . .. Sit/Stand before the vessel/altar
and say…

“I call to you ___(Demons name)___ My demon companion.
Come join me in sacred space,
I wish to seek council with you.
Come forth and join in companionship.
Sit with me and feel my energies
and allow me to feel yours.”

2. As you say this you should feel the energies shift around you. This is the second sensing
exercise so you will want to take a moment to explore the energies and get back in tune with
your demon’s energies. When you start to feel them stay in their energies for a moment. Ask
yourself what is familiar about last time? Does their energy effect a certain area of your
body? Does your demon’s energy has a certain feel to it?

 

So, this time, the first thing I noticed was an overall sense of PRESENCE. The second thing I noticed was tenderness in my heart chakra (we deal with that at the end of the exercise). I also got the impression of dark blue – midnight blue. I also kept getting images of a hellborn demon – one that looked exactly like a World of Warcraft Doomguard (a warlock class’s pet). At the time, I thought it might have been my Hellborn Demon Commander Tz – but once I actually sat down to write this, I realized that it was an image of a doomguard from Warcraft, so now I’m wondering if the image came up because E saw me playing earlier? Not sure. During the meditation, I did say that when I’m done with the 21 day bonding exercises with E, that I’m going to redo my bonding with Tz, using the Revized bonding ritual, because I thought that it was Tz saying he wanted some attention, too. I got the impression that when I start working with Tz again, E is going to be helping.

So, last time I did this exercise, I felt the same tingling in my hands, the same weight over my body (though this time it was much less), the same dark blue color, and the same pressure on my heart chakra and also my sacral plexus chakra. All of these experiences occurred again today, but all were much subtler – to the point where I honestly cannot ascribe a particular FEELING to E’s presence… he just… IS. I don’t know how to describe or explain it… he just feels like him. I think perhaps I need to be working with him and something/someone else at the same time to truly recognize a difference in his energies and anything else… for now, I lack comparison so it’s too nebulous for me.

3. Sit with the energies and just stay present in them. Then ask yourself what colours do you
associate with your demon. What colours align with their energies. Try to sense those
colours, ask yourself how those colours fit with your demon? What feelings and sensations
do you get from these colours and these energies? Any sensations that you feel take note
of. If you get any impressions and also words that appear in your mind make note of those
too.

 

When I asked myself what colors I associate with my demon, what colors align with his energies, I got red – but a dark red, with rust tones. I didn’t have any particular feelings about the color (which was strange because I really do not like the color red in any variation, but looking at the color as representative of him, I felt nothing psychically or emotionally). I also didn’t get any words or impressions. The energy seems to be becoming more and more subtle and harder to sense.

4. Hold out your hand and ask your demon to place their hand on yours.
5. Close your eyes and try to feel the warmth or vibrations of your demon’s energies. This
time when you connect to those energies explore them. How do they feel? What colours do
you assign with these sensations? Are you getting any images and impressions?

 

So, when he put his hands in mine, I felt warmth, like sitting in front of a fireplace in winter. His hands feel strong, safe, a little rough. I got a LOT of tingles, also. I didn’t get any colors associated with the sensation of warmth and tingling, but I absolutely saw his hands in mine. That was VERY clear.

6. Ask your demon to send you energies of different colours. See if you can pick up those
colours. Ask for them to send you a specific colour, see if you can sense it and also note the
sense that you get from this colour and any vibrations or sensations that you feel from it. The
more focused you get with these colours the more training that your third eye will have at
translating the energies.
Note***I recommend going through the entire colour spectrum with your demon and
really taking the time to explore this with them and build your abilities.

 

So, for this part of the exercise, he sent me a clear black that wasn’t so much a color as it was just the essence of DARKNESS, a color that was outside of my perceptible spectrum, a seafoamy green, and a purplish blue. I didn’t get any words, feelings, or sensations… just the colors. Oh… he’s reminding me that I also got the forehead tingling sensation of my third eye activating. When I started asking for specific colors, I noticed that different colors created senses of pressure on different places of my body, and sometimes the colors would affect different places in my brain. Most of the colors caused pressure in my right eye. We experimented with colors in the infra-red and ultra-violet spectrums as well as the human-visible spectrum, and I went through the typical Roy G. Biv colors, but also included cyan, magenta, black, grey, white, silver, gold, and clear. Clear was… impossible to see. lol Go figure.

Once we finished the exercises, he wanted to talk about the tenderness in my heart chakra – he wanted to work on it.

So… when I was 9, I was hit by a car, and I died a physical death, and came back. Four or five years ago, when I was magickally attacked, I died both a mental and a spiritual death… and I came back. Three deaths, three rebirths. He showed me that because I died all three ways, I now carry a piece of death in my heart always. He also showed me that I was resisting that energy, instead of embracing it. He took me to the border, and had me stand with one foot on either side, and sense the energies of life and death, and the energies of the border itself. Something shifted in my heart chakra and I coughed something up… in my hand, I had a seed, and a grub. I planted the seed inside Death, and buried the grub inside Life… and then a tree formed that stood on the border. Then, I could sense the energies of life rising upwards, and then falling into death, only to circle back into life, and erupt from the ground to rise up again. I felt that cycle in the tree, and I felt it in myself. I felt my body align with the dual energies – I found my balance with them.

Then, the tree put forth fruit – red apples that were made of gold on the living side, and walnuts on the dead side. The tree gave me one of each fruit, and E and I went into my Soulscape, and where I had buried the part of me that I had sacrificed in order to be reborn, which is now a graveyard, I buried them both. Then, a gate sprung up, and a place was made for my ancestors. I received another item (I don’t remember what it was, so I guess that’s not something I’m supposed to share), which I took to the center of my garden, where it merged with my tree of hope, and my tree of travel. I felt another shift in my energies, felt myself grounding, and then I came out of the meditation.

I said thank you to E, and bowed, and then I closed my circle

SDC E – The Therapy Begins

September 17, 2017

So, for Bonding Day 5, exercise 4 is the Visual Development Exercise.

I was supposed to do this on the 15th. Unfortunately, that was the day I tried to start the article on what magick really is, and how responsibility is sort of part of the deal, and how even if you’re not casting the spells or conjuring the spirits, if you’re using those spells, working with those spirits, you are a practitioner, with all that implies. And that’s a really, REALLY big topic… so big that my mind filled up with so many details and ideas that I couldn’t hear myself think… and I ended up having a serious anxiety attack over it. I’ve been stressed out and disorganized ever since.

So… two days ago when I tried to do the visual development exercise… I was too frazzled and unfocused to see ANYTHING.

Then, last night, the 16th, I had unexpected guests over, and they stayed quite late, and this upset the other people in my house (one of our rescue cats is terrified of people she doesn’t know, and my husband is not a morning person and after he’d gone to bed, I, frazzled as I was, accidentally left a light on and woke him back up)… and that did not go well. So… the evening ended with me being two hours late to meet with E, AND me being an emotional wreck.

I ended up just talking out the whole trouble to him, instead of doing any exercises, because I just couldn’t focus.

Then I went to bed… but I woke up still feeling… off. So I got my weighted blanket and my chunk of amber resin, a ginormous cup of REAL hot cocoa, and an anxiety pill… and I went back to bed and nested. I called E, and asked for help.

He took me to see a new type of demon, and I got to watch her extremely skillful, deadly battle dance… I think maybe it was just practice, but maybe it was also a challenge? She was in the middle of the staging area, and there were maybe 12 other beings in doorways, who were there to battle with her. I was told her kind are called Shivata. They’re a dusky blueish grey-skinned people, they have four arms, very fine bone structure, long artistic fingers, they have claws on all six limbs, amazingly perky boobs, they have a CROWN of horns – not just one pair, but all the way around the top of their head they have small curved horns that are almost like super thick thorns that form into a crown. They have long black hair that flows between and around the crown.

They are physical combat specialists (they’re…. awe inspiring), and if their wings show – not even spread, just show, cover your ears, because that’s a sign they’re about to scream… and their scream is a blast of gold psychic energy that disintegrates everything in a rather impressive radius around them. I got to see that because after a few of the challengers went down in teams, the rest decided that single or team combat wasn’t going to do the trick, so they all rushed her. They’re extremely acrobatic, and their martial arts style looks like capoeira got mixed up with ballet and had a baby with kung fu. I didn’t see any males – only the female… I’m not sure if their species has males… but if they do, are the males even more scary and cool? I mean… she was luscious, but deadly. lol

Before I drifted off to sleep in E’s arms, I remember the Lady coming up to us and asking me to talk to Akelta about her – she wants to talk to Akelta, because she things that she and her people would be a good addition to what Akelta is doing in our world. She wants a human companion to journey with.

When I woke up this evening, I felt better. When my now usual ritual time came around, I got everything set up, sat down, and everything went… perfectly.

When he stood as I had asked, I saw the occasional sparkles, but mostly what I saw was… the walls warped. Literally, the whole corner, both walls and the book case, started to curve towards his center of gravity, like he was heavier than gravity. He explained that this effect is because of his Spectral half, which comes from a place that is liminal to both the inner planes and the outer planes. Liminal beings and liminal spaces warp reality around them. They just DO. So that was cool, and now I know that if I see that warping when I feel his energy around, that’s him.

After we did the seeing exercise, he wanted to do some more. I went into my soul home and did some repair and bonding work with myself… and then he helped me to go to the shadow planes, to collect what was left there as a sacrifice for me to be reborn and be free of all old oaths. I picked up the cold body, and walked back through the shadow lands, into the red lands, and back into my soulscape. Since that part of me is still dead, I can collect it and the price is still paid. Collecting it doesn’t undo the sacrifice. Leaving it there just… I wasn’t ok with that. So we went and got her back. Only now I kinda had an undead thing in my soulhome. So… we asked her what she wanted. She picked a nice spot to be buried, and she lay down, and merged with the garden and the plants that were there. And then I let what she gave back to the soulhome become part of me again, thanked E, and we ended the session.

 

Yesterday, after our guests left, my husband said something to me that really stuck with me. When I couldn’t focus on this exercise that night, I talked it over with E… and he helped me understand the real issue. This morning, before I gave today up as a bad idea and went to nest, I sat my husband down and we talked about the root issue. While I have no trouble communicating with him about my needs, or telling him my boundaries, or when I’m triggered – I’ve had to learn to do that for my own health, and so I can have healthy relationships – my husband has HUGE difficulties speaking about things that are bothering him, talking about his feelings, or asking for what he needs, and some of my… quirks… have been preventing him from getting what he needs, because he’s not a dominant enough person to actually just ask.

E made sure we had this talk, and helped me to see the issue so that we could have the RIGHT talk.

And then tonight, E helped me recover a piece of myself and honor it properly.

I’m finding that he’s VERY good that psychological stuff he’d referenced offhandedly…

I’ve done a lot of healing on my own. It’s taken MONTHS to get to the point where I was when I came back to this forum and started posting again… and even then, after a couple of posts, I had an anxiety attack so bad I disappeared again for a few weeks. It’s always been in my mind that healing takes time.

Since E connected to me, I have: done the laundry every other day; changed the sheets on the bed twice and washed them, too; cleaned the bathroom twice; done the dishes twice; baked three loaves of bread and a batch of lavender-lemon shortbread cookies, and washed everything I used to bake them with; changed the kitty litter box almost every day; had three showers in one week; actually brushed my teeth twice; had at least five days where I actually ate real food; and I’ve been drinking a LOT more tea and water. I also finally got on Warcraft and finished up the entire Argus questline so that I could run the dungeon with my guildies – something that up until this week, I was totally emotionally unable to cope with at all. Yesterday, I actually invited people over to visit for the first time in three years. I cleaned the bathroom, cleaned the kitchen, did two loads of laundry, got Robin to do the vacuuming (my hips can’t handle it), and got him to clean off the coffee table (it was covered in mail of the “deal with this later/never” type) and pledge it.

Also in the last 10 days, I have meditated, or tried to meditate, every day.

When I met B (the first demon I was ever drawn to), it was a kick in the ass. Like… literally, even though I wasn’t doing well and was on my way down at the time, he set my nerves on fire and gave me enough twitchy energy that for the first time in a few months, I actually managed to get my whole apartment clean by myself. The whole time he was there, I could feel him right behind me, lending me strength. It was… awesome. And a little scary, but mostly… it was WHAT I NEEDED.

B ended up not coming home to me… he went with someone else. But… He cared enough to find E, and convince E to come here… and while E isn’t as overpowering as B, nor as abrupt… his subtler approach is NO less powerful or effective. At this time, his approach is EXACTLY what I need.

I just… keep growing. I keep improving. I’m… so grateful. I’m SO blessed to have the love of B, and to have the partnership of E come out of that love.

I’ll always miss what could have been with B, but… I think that maybe this is how things were meant to be.

Or, even if not… it’s how they are now, and that works.

Thank you, S&S.
Thank you, DC B
Thank you SDC E

I am SO lucky to have you all impact my life in such meaningful and precious ways.
-Raven