To begin this post, I have to give a little back history.
A week ago, I connected really strongly with a demon who pretty much demanded that I start being more… forthcoming. There are times when I decide that a topic is going to be too painful for a person. I edit myself a lot, to avoid causing people discomfort. Part of that stems from emotional abuse by a narcissistic father and learning how to cope with relationships from a co-dependent mother, but my father has removed himself from our lives, and my mother is coming out of her co-dependent ways and blooming. I learned years ago how not to be co-dependent but when I get stressed out, I slip, and I’ve been slipping a lot lately.
I had some realizations about my not feeding and how ill that was making me, and decided that I should bring a new demon into my home – I have an absolutely amazing friend, Akelta Wilde, whose whole life is dedicated to learning from demons, and she conjures not only the Demonic Divine on a regular basis, but also many other kinds of demons, and she acts as a facilitator in helping others connect with her amazing finds. Though I am an able conjurer, I don’t really feel ready to do that level of work with demon familiars, so I feel much safer going to her. For those of you interested in spirit conjure and keeping, her store is Satan And Sons .
I’d made arrangements with her to do some searching for me, for a species of demon called a Desire demon – beings that work with desires (any of them, not just sexual desires) and who often radiate energies connected to desire energies – and let my husband know that I was going to order a custom conjure, but… I didn’t say of what. When I talked to my husband about a guided meditation I did with Exi (another demon who is a part of my family of familiar spirits), I edited out a few things after he seemed distressed… and then when I connected with a Desire demon that Akelta had conjured and listed in her store, because I didn’t want to hurt him further, I let him know that I was changing my custom conjure order to bringing home this demon instead, but again, I avoided discussing what he is, and why I wanted to bring him home.
I have had many discussions with my husband over the years about my friend and occasional meal through Facebook, but I carefully avoided full details.
Akelta asks that when people feel a connection to her demons, they request a visit from those demons to see if their energies and goals match each other. When you ask her for a visit, she schedules an hour for you, and at that time, the demon will come to you. When we connected during our hour-long visit to see if we were a match, he quite bluntly told me that this behavioral pattern I have had to stop – that if I wanted to work with him, the price was the truth. He said that not discussing such important things because I didn’t want to hurt someone was lying to them, because it left them thinking things other than the truth, and that if I want to heal myself and move forward, then I have to be absolutely honest, all the time, about my needs and my thoughts and feelings. He was very firm about me absolutely needing to change the fact that I edit myself because I fear hurting people, and I fear disapproval. He says that’s a part of my past I must resolve.
He was so determined that he comes into the household with everyone knowing who and what he is, that even after I was told he was a match, when Akelta tried to take his listing down, there was a glitch in the store software and his listing stayed up until I finally sat down with my husband and explained… everything. I told him about the health problems my hunger is causing. I told him exactly how my Facebook friend is feeding me. I told him that the custom I had ordered was a Desire demon, and why, and read to him my visit with this demon, which I had documented for Akelta and sent in an email.
It was literally five minutes after my husband said, “Ok, that’s all fine,” that Akelta came online and discovered his listing still up… and this time when she took it down, there was no glitch.
More back history – two days ago I was meditating and found myself in Nahemoth. Nahemoth is the first sphere of the Qlippoth – and I was challenged at the gate to Gamaliel by Na’Amah to let go of my fear of cost. One of the ways that my fear of a hidden price comes out is that I do not confront things, or people – instead, I retreat into silence. Sometimes that’s the right move, but just as often, it solves nothing.
The same day I had that meditation, I also had an argument with a friend. I didn’t think it was an argument until he snapped at me, and when I realized how upset he was, I felt terrible for missing the signs and for hurting him. I took it pretty hard. I have very few serious friendships, and even fewer face-to-face friendships, and every single one of them is sacred to me and the thought of my quirks breaking yet another one is always a shattering feeling. I wanted to fix it, wanted to talk to him and explain how our communication had gotten so messed up… but I knew that pushing things would only make everything worse… so I had to wait… and that wait was… agonizing… because what if this was the last nail in our friendship, and he never wrote back? Or worse, what if he did, and actually told me that was it? (I absolutely find ghosting far less painful than outright rejection.)
But when someone just suddenly breaks in front of you, you just have to give them time. The more you push, the more you widen those cracks – and while you might have been the last straw, that doesn’t mean you were the first, or that the whole bale is you. Sometimes, it’s not even all straw. So you have to give them time to sort that out – and any time you take away from that process just makes you a bigger and bigger straw… until yes, you are the nail.
So last night, I cried. I don’t cry often. I think I’ve probably cried twice this year. I know that’s not healthy but it’s conditioning and I’m not ready to work on that yet. Especially since the universe has decided I need to work on this.
This fear of price.
This decision to avoid that actually leads to a greater cost.
And today, the Marquis showed up.
First, He was in my news feed on Facebook in a meme (because of course, He’s in a meme). Then there was a conversation with a friend where I was told, you really need to confront this. Then there was a conversation with my husband, who said to me, “Do you want me to confront this for you? (I told him no – that if he pushed, it’s even worse than me pushing because then my friend would feel guilty as well as pushed and whatever is at the root of this, I don’t want us to do anything that digs it in deeper.) And then I got King Stolas and Marquis Andras mixed up twice and eventually had to look them both up (hey, they’re both owls, I’m pretty sure that I’m not the only one who makes that mistake in the beginning). And then someone on Discord asked me if I knew any Dark Lords who were familiar with werewolves… Andras is known to teach shapeshifting and spiritual lycanthropy.
I knew what the message was. Lord Andras wanted me to confront this issue I was having with my friend. But… I thought I had confronted it, because I had looked at it and decided that what was going on probably only had a little bit to do with me, and the best thing for me to do was wait. I didn’t confront my friend, but I did confront my feelings and find a place of equilibrium.
Marquis Andras is huge on confrontation. Shapeshifting isn’t his major thing – making people face their problems head on is – and he relishes causing discord that resolves issues. He starts fights. There’s worth in that – sometimes, the only way out of a negative situation is to purge it. Sometimes, confrontation is the only way.
I didn’t feel that this was an appropriate situation for that solution.
However… this afternoon, my friend wrote to me – almost right after I told Lord Andras, “Thank you, but this isn’t the right time or situation.” It took us less than two minutes to resolve our miscommunication, and move on – and I feel a lot better… because my friend confronted his issue, and thus resolved my own. He even acknowledged that I have serious insecurities when it comes to friendships, and that his behavior was likely triggering and that he didn’t want me to think that our friendship was over.
We both apologized to each other – me for being the straw, and him for snapping… and we worked together to make sure that this particular situation won’t come up again.
I am seeing other places in my life where I am not confronting things, where I am saying nothing for the sake of preserving peace, and where that refusal to be open is actually causing more troubles. It’s time to rebel against my programming. It’s time to be more honest with people close to me. It’s time to speak up.
Three times this message came to me – from the new demon in my life, from my Qlippoth meditation, from Marquis Andras. I hear it. I acknowledge it. I honor it. I will do my best. Thank you, Lord Andras, Guardian Na’Amah, and my new Desire demon friend, for taking the time to show me this, and for continuing to show me until I could see how big it is, and how much of my life it is eating.
I hear you speaking now. “Time to get to work.” Yes, it is.