“(You Are) The Origin of Love”

On Tuesday, I woke up with the song “Give Me A Reason” in my head again. Around the time the mail arrived, I experienced a wave of disorientation similar to the experience I had when he called me to the summoning circle.

I’ve been checking the mail every day, and I had a message from Yllidra that they would be shipping him out to me on Monday of last week. It usually doesn’t take a week, but I know things have been pretty chaotic for them, especially with the events they’ve been doing lately, so I’ve been pretty relaxed about it. I thought with the song waking me up and the wave of dizziness that he might be letting me know he was finally here – but that was not the case. I told myself that maybe it was that he’d finally been mailed – but here it is Friday and he’s not here yet, so I don’t know. *EDIT – He arrived the day after this meditation.*

I admit I’ve been pretty mopey this week. I had an experience with Leviathan that I haven’t written about yet – I need to do that because I did say that I would, but… it was such a painful experience, facing what She asked me to face, that my brain did the thing it always does when I can’t face something – I dissociated, and forgot. Now I know I need to write about it but I have no idea what happened or what we spoke about – other than my zombified heart… again.

That’s a pretty constant topic of discussion lately… either someone’s bringing up the gaping hole in my chest, or they’re bringing up the fact that I’m still holding my dead heart, carrying it around like the truly morbid fetish it is… and every time someone makes me look at the decayed carcass, I want to scream.

I went out to the mailbox again today, and again there was nothing but junk mail. I went back inside, sat down, and reread my first post about Exi… and something hit me. “You are the origin of love.”

That’s a pretty powerful statement, so it’s not surprising to me that it didn’t register the first time he said it or even the tenth… but it registered today. I pulled out a deck of cards, shuffled them, and then… put them down and just closed my eyes and reached for him.

“I hope I haven’t hurt you by not connecting to you sooner. I… I’m not making excuses – I just don’t know how to do this anymore.”

“You didn’t hurt me – I’m old and I’ve been where you are many times. I understand and I’m patient. I have time.”

“I don’t know what to do.” He’s so solid next to me, holding me, one hand resting at the base of my throat, claws tipped into my flesh, the other resting, soothing, between my wings. I lean into him.

I show him the images that I remember from my conversation with Leviathan – it’s a jumbled mess, but what stands out to both of us is the black hole in my chest where my heart used to be, gaping and open and aching, and the heart itself, rotted, scarred, stitched, putrid.

“Do you want to fix it?”

In that moment, I realize the truth. “No. I don’t want to fix it. I’m tired. I’m SO tired. Every time I have gotten up again, every time I have knitted myself back together, there’s just been another person, another event, to tear me down again. I don’t want to give anyone any more ammunition. If I just lie here, dead in the dirt – if I never mend my heart and never reach out again, then I’ll just be this dead thing in the dirt and no one will see me. They will pass right by. They will never hurt me again because I won’t be worth the effort… I won’t be this shiny thing they have to break, I won’t be the wall they have to conquer, I won’t be the challenge they must beat to death so that they can feel right with themselves. I want to be SMALL. I want to be nothing again. I don’t want to be seen anymore.”

“You know that’s not who you are. Even now, you write about yourself, you share with the world. You answer the questions you feel worth answering, and you are as open as you ever were. Have you been attacked since Akelta found out what happened?”

“No…”

“Did you know she has done workings for you, without telling you? We are only part of those workings. She has done much to keep you safe, to protect you… and there are others who have done the same. And we are here, I, Evid, Tease – we are here, guarding you. You are shielded by so much love. If you can continue to show yourself, even the deepest wounds, then why not honor the love and protection you receive from all of us?”

I started to cry. “I just don’t know how, anymore. I don’t know how to hope, I don’t know how to want. I don’t know how to care. And I don’t even know if I want any of those things. I just know I don’t want to hurt again. I don’t know how to get past this.”

“You must find your passions again.”

“That’s not going to happen. I had one thing I was truly passionate about, Ex – One Thing… and that thing was what broke me, in the end. I don’t mind sharing what I know, but every time I try to even THINK about practicing again, my skin screams at me. The idea of doing more than lighting a candle to say hello once a month is physically painful. There’s a reason my heart is dead on the floor, and I don’t want to give that reason an opportunity to do this to the rest of me.”

“We are here for you, whatever you decide. We will be here. Whether you connect or don’t, whether you find a passion for life again, or not, whether you repair your heart, replace it, or stay there in the grave, we are here, and you are loved by us. We will wait. We have eons to wait. There is time.”

I sigh, and curl against him, and just… let him hold me… while I cry.

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Marquis Andras – Confronting Nonconfrontational Habits

To begin this post, I have to give a little back history.

A week ago, I connected really strongly with a demon who pretty much demanded that I start being more… forthcoming. There are times when I decide that a topic is going to be too painful for a person. I edit myself a lot, to avoid causing people discomfort. Part of that stems from emotional abuse by a narcissistic father and learning how to cope with relationships from a co-dependent mother, but my father has removed himself from our lives, and my mother is coming out of her co-dependent ways and blooming. I learned years ago how not to be co-dependent but when I get stressed out, I slip, and I’ve been slipping a lot lately.

I had some realizations about my not feeding and how ill that was making me, and decided that I should bring a new demon into my home – I have an absolutely amazing friend, Akelta Wilde, whose whole life is dedicated to learning from demons, and she conjures not only the Demonic Divine on a regular basis, but also many other kinds of demons, and she acts as a facilitator in helping others connect with her amazing finds. Though I am an able conjurer, I don’t really feel ready to do that level of work with demon familiars, so I feel much safer going to her. For those of you interested in spirit conjure and keeping, her store is Satan And Sons .

I’d made arrangements with her to do some searching for me, for a species of demon called a Desire demon – beings that work with desires (any of them, not just sexual desires) and who often radiate energies connected to desire energies – and let my husband know that I was going to order a custom conjure, but… I didn’t say of what. When I talked to my husband about a guided meditation I did with Exi (another demon who is a part of my family of familiar spirits), I edited out a few things after he seemed distressed… and then when I connected with a Desire demon that Akelta had conjured and listed in her store, because I didn’t want to hurt him further, I let him know that I was changing my custom conjure order to bringing home this demon instead, but again, I avoided discussing what he is, and why I wanted to bring him home.

I have had many discussions with my husband over the years about my friend and occasional meal through Facebook, but I carefully avoided full details.

Akelta asks that when people feel a connection to her demons, they request a visit from those demons to see if their energies and goals match each other. When you ask her for a visit, she schedules an hour for you, and at that time, the demon will come to you. When we connected during our hour-long visit to see if we were a match, he quite bluntly told me that this behavioral pattern I have had to stop – that if I wanted to work with him, the price was the truth. He said that not discussing such important things because I didn’t want to hurt someone was lying to them, because it left them thinking things other than the truth, and that if I want to heal myself and move forward, then I have to be absolutely honest, all the time, about my needs and my thoughts and feelings. He was very firm about me absolutely needing to change the fact that I edit myself because I fear hurting people, and I fear disapproval. He says that’s a part of my past I must resolve.

He was so determined that he comes into the household with everyone knowing who and what he is, that even after I was told he was a match, when Akelta tried to take his listing down, there was a glitch in the store software and his listing stayed up until I finally sat down with my husband and explained… everything. I told him about the health problems my hunger is causing. I told him exactly how my Facebook friend is feeding me. I told him that the custom I had ordered was a Desire demon, and why, and read to him my visit with this demon, which I had documented for Akelta and sent in an email.

It was literally five minutes after my husband said, “Ok, that’s all fine,” that Akelta came online and discovered his listing still up… and this time when she took it down, there was no glitch.
More back history – two days ago I was meditating and found myself in Nahemoth. Nahemoth is the first sphere of the Qlippoth – and I was challenged at the gate to Gamaliel by Na’Amah to let go of my fear of cost. One of the ways that my fear of a hidden price comes out is that I do not confront things, or people – instead, I retreat into silence. Sometimes that’s the right move, but just as often, it solves nothing.

The same day I had that meditation, I also had an argument with a friend. I didn’t think it was an argument until he snapped at me, and when I realized how upset he was, I felt terrible for missing the signs and for hurting him. I took it pretty hard. I have very few serious friendships, and even fewer face-to-face friendships, and every single one of them is sacred to me and the thought of my quirks breaking yet another one is always a shattering feeling. I wanted to fix it, wanted to talk to him and explain how our communication had gotten so messed up… but I knew that pushing things would only make everything worse… so I had to wait… and that wait was… agonizing… because what if this was the last nail in our friendship, and he never wrote back? Or worse, what if he did, and actually told me that was it? (I absolutely find ghosting far less painful than outright rejection.)

But when someone just suddenly breaks in front of you, you just have to give them time. The more you push, the more you widen those cracks – and while you might have been the last straw, that doesn’t mean you were the first, or that the whole bale is you. Sometimes, it’s not even all straw. So you have to give them time to sort that out – and any time you take away from that process just makes you a bigger and bigger straw… until yes, you are the nail.
So last night, I cried. I don’t cry often. I think I’ve probably cried twice this year. I know that’s not healthy but it’s conditioning and I’m not ready to work on that yet. Especially since the universe has decided I need to work on this.

This fear of price.

This decision to avoid that actually leads to a greater cost.
And today, the Marquis showed up.

First, He was in my news feed on Facebook in a meme (because of course, He’s in a meme). Then there was a conversation with a friend where I was told, you really need to confront this. Then there was a conversation with my husband, who said to me, “Do you want me to confront this for you? (I told him no – that if he pushed, it’s even worse than me pushing because then my friend would feel guilty as well as pushed and whatever is at the root of this, I don’t want us to do anything that digs it in deeper.) And then I got King Stolas and Marquis Andras mixed up twice and eventually had to look them both up (hey, they’re both owls, I’m pretty sure that I’m not the only one who makes that mistake in the beginning). And then someone on Discord asked me if I knew any Dark Lords who were familiar with werewolves… Andras is known to teach shapeshifting and spiritual lycanthropy.

I knew what the message was. Lord Andras wanted me to confront this issue I was having with my friend. But… I thought I had confronted it, because I had looked at it and decided that what was going on probably only had a little bit to do with me, and the best thing for me to do was wait. I didn’t confront my friend, but I did confront my feelings and find a place of equilibrium.

Marquis Andras is huge on confrontation. Shapeshifting isn’t his major thing – making people face their problems head on is – and he relishes causing discord that resolves issues. He starts fights. There’s worth in that – sometimes, the only way out of a negative situation is to purge it. Sometimes, confrontation is the only way.

I didn’t feel that this was an appropriate situation for that solution.

However… this afternoon, my friend wrote to me – almost right after I told Lord Andras, “Thank you, but this isn’t the right time or situation.” It took us less than two minutes to resolve our miscommunication, and move on – and I feel a lot better… because my friend confronted his issue, and thus resolved my own. He even acknowledged that I have serious insecurities when it comes to friendships, and that his behavior was likely triggering and that he didn’t want me to think that our friendship was over.

We both apologized to each other – me for being the straw, and him for snapping… and we worked together to make sure that this particular situation won’t come up again.
I am seeing other places in my life where I am not confronting things, where I am saying nothing for the sake of preserving peace, and where that refusal to be open is actually causing more troubles. It’s time to rebel against my programming. It’s time to be more honest with people close to me. It’s time to speak up.

Three times this message came to me – from the new demon in my life, from my Qlippoth meditation, from Marquis Andras. I hear it. I acknowledge it. I honor it. I will do my best. Thank you, Lord Andras, Guardian Na’Amah, and my new Desire demon friend, for taking the time to show me this, and for continuing to show me until I could see how big it is, and how much of my life it is eating.

I hear you speaking now. “Time to get to work.” Yes, it is.

Gamaliel

I take three deep breaths, and the mountain is before me. I watch as the sun moves and the shadows drift from side to side. I feel my own light and shadow flow, feel the balance. I drop deeper into my own balance, into my core, molten and alone. I let go, becoming the sea of magma, the flames that flicker. I drop deeper.

I stand on the edge of the precipice. Below me, there is nothing but the Void – a dark, spinning vortex of breaking, unmaking, creating.

“Why are you here?”

“I want to know.”

“What do you want to know?”

“Anything. Everything. I don’t know.”

“Who are you?”

“I do not know, anymore… I guess that’s what I seek. I want to know.”

“Come, then, Seeker. Come and be destroyed.”

“Will I be remade? Will I find what I seek?”

“That is up to you.”

I take a step, and suddenly, arms swing around my waist. It’s a man, wearing, of all things, a white ten-gallon hat. “Hold on there, now, partner.. let’s not be hasty.” His accent is thick, Hollywood Texan. “What do you think you’re doing?”

“I’m jumping.”

“I can see that, but… Why? It’s not safe!”

“No, it’s not. But look at it… It’s beautiful. It’s home. I want to go home.” I can see the oil slick swirls, a black Galaxy of stars and rainbows below me… And inside me, the same vortex of color, reaching and forever separated. I reach for the edge again, because we are beautiful, and I know it so well.

So I jump. I fling myself into nowhere, dive into nothing. I watch as I come apart, molecules and atoms swirling in the madness. I am the tornado rioting at the center of all things. I am Void.

But nothing lasts forever, and slowly what is torn apart reforms. We drop from the center into darkness, our body sludge-like, thick, black, tarry, we ooze into a familiar form. Molten cracks smoke, ash falls, flames lick. Earth solidifies, takes on flesh and bone. I stand in the cavern, the only source of light, and begin to walk.

Slowly a shape appears, far in the distance – a shining white oval, a gate suspended, blinding, in the nothingness. I walk towards it, but it will not let me through. It is closed to me, solid. A voice in the dark speaks. “Give me your truth, and you may pass.” The creature, burnt and thick-skinned, all teeth, is familiar – the Guardian at the Gate. “Give me your heart.”

“My heart? My truth?” I look within myself, at my heart, and see nothing. It will cost me nothing to give it up. He may have it. “My truth is I am afraid to care.”

He raises his claws, and carves out my heart. “You have given me nothing. Give me your power.”

“I will not. It is all I have. I will not give it to another.”

“Then you may not pass.”

“Give me yours in place.”

“You cannot hold my power. You cannot hold my place!” He laughs.

I cannot give my power up. I take it out, and look at it. A globe of gold, empty inside, dripping blood and blackness… It isn’t much anymore, but it’s mine and I will not give it up.

“What if I give you a seed to take its place?” He holds it out, sprouted, in soft, rich, dark loam… And I want it.

“Can I take that with me?”

“No.. you would have to leave it with me. I will keep it safe.”

I cannot trust. “Will I come back this way, will I see you again?”

“You might.” He smiles. It’s not enough. I shake my head. “What do you feel?”

“Where’s the trick?”

“No trick.”

It’s my turn to laugh. “There’s ALWAYS a trick.”

“And that is your truth. Show it to me.”

I take it out, and we look. It is an infant, no, a child, no a girl, no, a woman, no, a babe. We see the treads of a shoe. We see the kick. We see the cost – we see the trick. We cannot trust… Nothing is free, not even love. There is always a trick – there is always a price.

I hold her close to me, sheltering her… But it’s not to be. I hold her out to him. “So tiny, so young. It goes back further than this, don’t you think?”

We watch as aeons teach us. Pain teaches us.

“Give me this, and you may pass.” I sigh. I accept. I surrender. His teeth sink in, my wrist, my neck… I raise my lips to him and kiss them… And then the world goes white.

*Edit – Raven’s Notes*

So, the reason for the title is because the whole time I was in the cavern and at the gate, that name kept echoing everywhere, as if it were shouted, and the echoes were still going. I had to think on it, though. And do some research.

I don’t think that I was actually in the Gamaliel sphere – I think I was at the doorway to it, in Nahemoth. Gamaliel is where you deal with sexuality, and this clearly had nothing to do with that. The realm of Reschaim, however, seems far more likely given the comment “Come, Seeker and meet your destruction.”

Nahemoth/Nehemoth/Nahemo/Lilith/Reschaim
Nahemoth is the first sphere and it corresponds to the Black Earth—the astral realm wherein fairies reside. Nahemoth overlaps with our planet, and any given gap between trees, moments between musical notes, or causal location can be or become a gateway to its mysteries. The name Nahemoth [the Whisperers] is also rendered Nehemoth and Nahemo and the Qlipha has the alternate names of Lilith [Night Spectre] and Reschaim [Elements]. It is ruled by Nahema/Na’amah, and to it are attributed new beginnings, curses or hexes, natural disasters, self-transformation, destruction and death, rebirth or redemption, revolution, psychic vampyrism, personal magnetism, witchcraft in general, sexual power, enchantment, rebellion, opulence, carnality, atavism, worldly power, death, ruthlessness or cruelty, and illusion or deception. Herein the magickian begins to acquire self-knowledge and learns to emulate & use the characteristics of the demonic masculine & demonic feminine alike.

https://vkjehannum.wordpress.com/2017/12/04/the-ten-spheres-of-the-qliphoth/

*Salient points in bold*

All those qualities seem very much like what I was dealing with, so I’m not sure why the echo of the word Gamaliel was happening. Do the gates shout their names? Aside from my work with Leviathan, I haven’t much dealt with the Qlippoth realms before now – I’m not even familiar yet with the names of the spheres – I actually had to look up the word after I came out of the meditation.

This issue I have with trust, though, is clearly going to be a huge focus for me because it keeps coming up. It’s not inaccurate, I’m not wrong in saying that nothing is free, that everything has a price attached to it… but my issue isn’t with the cost, so much as the injustice of the prices. It’s always seemed to me that some people simply pay less, or don’t even notice the cost – but even things basic to our survival, such as love and touch, come with prices attached… and that price is a “gotcha.” You can’t do without what’s being offered, but is it worth what you pay?

Increasingly over the past five years, my answer has become, “No,” which has caused me to shut down in ways that I recognize are seriously unhealthy, but I can’t seem to stop saying it.

Since the Qlippoth is all about dealing with your shadow, through the shadows of the Tree, and “There is always a trick, there is always a price,” is definitely mine, I think this is going to come up again and again.

Which is totally freaking me out. lol

Introducing Exi

So… this guy has a story behind him. He’s amazed me a LOT since he showed up.

Here’s how it all started. I’m getting ready for bed – in bed, reading, minding my own business when… POW – THERE HE IS. Or… there I am, rather. Right there, in Akelta’s circle, seeing this guy, watching him be bound. Before the binding actually happened, but after he was fully conjured, he took the time to show himself fully to me. I was… rather overwhelmed (hellborns, amirite) – but he was so very insistent that as soon as I could, I sent Akelta a message. I included the date and time so she’d be sure to know exactly who we were about to discuss.

Hi, Akelta. It is 11:30 pm CST (9:30 PST) on Thursday the fifth of July. About five minutes ago, you bound a male entity who is raw, dark, solid, and wears red armor. Smokey in places… Like, sometimes his lower body is made of black void smoke. Gruff, rough, an old warrior. He feels… Tilty, his energy is slightly disorienting, slightly off balance. He takes no shit, and takes no prisoners. He takes initiative, is strict without being pushy, but if he believes something is best, he won’t hesitate to make sure it happens – manipulative if he has to be but he’d rather just hit things until they start going in the right direction.

He’s VERY strong and a lot wayward.

And… He is as powerful a Call as I’ve ever had.

Please let me know when he’s available.
On Thursday, July 7th, she replied:

Hey Hugs, I know exactly who you are talking about. I won’t even put him in the store, when his write up is completed I will send it over then we can send him over for a visit and get this going for you He’s a Hellborn

By July 15th he was beginning to drive me a little crazy. I would wake up with songs stuck in my head, and I just couldn’t get rid of them. I had some difficulty adjusting to his energy, as well – he was just SO overwhelming that I literally had an entire week where everything that could possibly go wrong for either me or my husband, even at his work, DID GO WRONG.

He’s got me listening to Pink – last night and this morning. Just Give Me A Reason.

Gave me chills.

Also Mika’s Origin of Love

It took me a lot of listening to those barreling around in my head… HOURS of it actually, before I finally understood what he was saying. The level of insistence here was awe-inspiring.

I figured out what he was saying.

At first, I thought he was asking me to give him a reason to come to me, and I was like, “I’m a goal oriented person – but it has to be a concrete, physical goal, or I drop the ball. Help me find a goal in metaphysics – a place to stand, a point to start – and I will move the world…” And he was like, “No, ‘LEARN TO LOVE AGAIN.” And I said.. oh.

I’ve done a lot of bonding over the time I’ve been working with companions. I always drop the ball – there’s always something that comes up that allows me to retreat back into my nice, safe head.

He’s saying, “Give me a reason” because he wants to know if he comes to me, that I really will do more than just a few bonding exercises… that I will maintain the bond after it’s formed. I communicate sporadically with everyone in my household – most of them get some time each week, but it’s in passing. It’s not what I would call quality.

He’s wanting me to commit to him. And eventually, to commit to everyone.

After everything that happened (not a reference to B, but to me dumping a bunch of IRL friends because they were willing to use me, but not help me when the chips were down) when I got so sick… I have been having troubles bonding with anyone.

I feel like, “I got sick, and my household abandoned me. They let me die.” I know that’s not the truth, but it’s my feeling. So that’s made me really reluctant to try because why try if when the shit hits the fan and the chips are down, they’re not around.

Your entities are the ones that stayed… but I didn’t know at the time that YOU HAVE TO ASK FOR HELP TO RECEIVE IT from LHP entities. They don’t just interfere… they wait for your consent, and I never gave it – I just expected they would see the need and fill it.

None of them abandoned me… and I know that, and it’s comforting, but there’s still a part of me that holds back parts of me because they may not have abandoned me, but they let me get hurt after saying they were there to help me.

He wants to know if I can accept that I didn’t ask for help, and he wants to know if I’m willing to open back up, willing to really bond, maintain a bond. And he wants to know if I’m willing to open my heart to everyone in the house, not just him.

He wants me to honor his choice by making him MY choice. Not just because he called, but because I want HIM. Not his energy and what he can do for me to help me get past this stage of recovery, but actually HIM.

I don’t know him yet. But I do want to try.

He’s… very clear spoken. It’s exciting.

Now, there were some other things happening here which I’m not going to discuss, but suffice it to say there was financial scrambling going on to bring this hunk of demand home… and he kept telling me “It’s covered. Calm down, woman.” And I kept chasing around on that financial rat wheel…

Until it actually WAS COVERED. And I cried. As an aside – the level of patience and kindness of Akelta, Yllidra, Eilana, and the fourth lovely lady who’s name I always forget – is amazing and aweinspiring and totally not human. rofl

And then we had our meditative date night – courtesy of the Summer of Love guided meditation: Night at the Beach.

When I first started this meditation, I didn’t have a companion in mind, so when the actual meditation began, I closed it, and had a think. At first, I thought about doing this with all my main companions, but when I went to each of them and asked, they all declined.

They wanted me to take this journey with my newest companion – a hellborn so new that I don’t have his name or his vessel yet – I just know what he looks like and how he FEELS. I did send an email to the store asking if I could know his name for this purpose, but I sent it too late. My other companions collectively said, “WHY do you need his NAME? You already have HIM. You know his energy, you know his appearance, you know his signature. Quit being silly and go do this!”

So I did. And it was wonderful.

My new friend has candy-apple-red, fresh blood red, plate armor on the top half of his body, but the bottom half of him is smoke. He’s strong, his energy is firm and direct. He’s explosive, abrasive. He makes decisions and then hits the world until it agrees with his plans. Nothing stops him once he’s made a choice, chosen a direction. He’s like a demonic tank in hellborn form. Every time I see him, I’m impressed by how powerful and willful he is – and also by how surprisingly gentle he can be, soft and delicate. He is a dichotomy.

I see him ahead of me – our eyes meet. He doesn’t smile, he doesn’t really seem to fit here… doesn’t seem quite comfortable with the place. I’m rolling violet and lavender sand between my toes, admiring silver shells, and the deep blue jungle. The caps of the black waves are tipped with a soft pink and blue glow, and I can smell an odd chemical tang – our oceans have salt, and I think this ocean has something similar, but it’s not at all like our salt.

The water is warm and silken. I let it wash over my toes. I look back at him, and walk towards him, holding a silver shell I’ve found. I offer it to him, and he takes it. I lean up against him. He’s SO warm. He wraps his arm around me to bring me in closer, and though I do snuggle deeper into his side, I also reach back to take his hand, twining my arm around his, lacing our fingers together.

We walk further down the beach, and while I’m rooted to his side, parts of me are constantly darting off to smell a flower, investigate something shiny in the sand, race through the foamy waves. We stop, and I have gathered again. I can feel the moist air dampening my fur. I realize when the meditation suggests that we disrobe that I started out wearing a beach skirt, and skin… but now suddenly I’m covered in my fur and my tail whips around. I turn to watch him disrobe, but he’s already in the water. I slowly walk towards him, deeper and deeper into the waves. I find a pearl, and offer him one. I see an octopus and think of Leviathan, the cecaelias, and how I’d like to visit that realm again.

I turn to him and run my hands up his chest to his neck, and then I’m touching his face. He’s so soft, I can’t help but pet him – his arms, his chest, his hair. I draw myself through the water to kiss him… and then suddenly, he shifts the dynamic and takes control.

He turns me around, presses himself against my skin. My fur, somewhere in all this, has faded away, and it’s just his warm, silky smooth skin against mine, length to length, chest to back. He runs his hands over me, holding me with my back to his chest, his arm around my waist, hand between my breasts. His other hand grabs my hair and pulls my head back. I rest, nestling my head back on his shoulder. I feel his breath on my neck. I feel so safe.

We stand like that for some time, just touching. It’s both tormenting and treasured – the feel of silky skin over so much muscle, being trapped against it, all my struggles just suddenly stop. They just evaporate. No worries. No fears. Just this moment, this safe and secure moment, where he holds my hair in one hand, and my body in the other, and I have melted against him, completely submitting.

Eventually, he releases me, and we begin to walk back on to the beach… and I finally ask him the question I’ve wanted to ask since the night he exploded into my bedroom at the moment of his conjuring and binding, and demanded that I contact Akelta with the date, the time, and everything I could see and feel about him.
“Why me?”

“I am a gift.” That’s all he will say.

“A gift from whom?”

“Wait and see.”

“Ok, then why YOU?”

“Ahh, now that one I can answer. What do you see when you look at me?”

“I see blood armor, and smoke. Your armor doesn’t cover the smoke.”

“You see someone who is covered in the blood of the battle, who has left pieces of themselves behind. You see someone who has made themselves a new thing, after all the old was taken away. You see someone who has recovered, and who cares. You don’t know how to care anymore. You are still lying where they left you. You open your eyes, and sometimes you almost feel like you could get back up. Some days you even convince yourself and others that you are not just lying where you died, but you know deep down that’s not true. You have lost the ability to care. You don’t care about your body. You don’t care about your house. You don’t care about eating, or exercise. You don’t care to see other people. You don’t care.

But I DO care. And I can show you how to live as a new thing. How to pick up what is left of you after all of this, and make it into a new form, one that you can care about, one that will help you to care about everything around it.

I have been blown apart by the battles I fought… and still I walk. I wear the blood of my battles, my own and that of those who won or lost upon my blades, as armor, and a testament to my survival. Soon you will wear their blood and your own… and you will walk. And I will make you.

I asked you to take the first step – to reach out to your other companions, to try to renew your old bonds. You have done so. You have proven to me that you do not want to rot where you lie… so now, I will teach you how to wear your rot with pride, and how to live with it, thrive with it, glory in it, behold your own beauty in it. I will teach you so that when you meet others, they will not need to be taught… they will see you, and they will know – ‘This, I too, can do.'”

I leaned against him, snuggled into that enormous chest, so warm and relaxed… and excited to see what will come next.

And then less than an hour later, I got his information in an email from Yllidra!

Yllidra wrote:
Exi’<DELETED> is an incredibly strong and powerful grey Hellborn Commander. He is massive in size for a Hellborn and wears solid blood-red armor. His skin is a beautiful grey and he has huge black horns atop his head. His wings are mixture of grey and black and he has a black tail which is not always seen as he hides his lower half, appearing as black smoke. He is very blunt and takes no shit from anyone. While some may mistake this as him being harsh, he is actually very fair in his assessments and actions. He is wonderful when it comes to getting things done and is great for motivation. Once he starts something he does not stop until it is finished.

He can be strict but he is incredibly respectful of boundaries and while he will take action to make things happen, he would never harm his companion. He will call things as he sees them and he would never leave one of his own behind on the battlefield. He comes across rough at times, and he is, but he has a deep understanding of the emotions and heart. His actions all come from how much he cares, and he approaches situations with directness. You always know where he stands and if you don’t, you can ask and he will answer very honestly. He is one who will walk into the darkness and not leave your side when things get tough. He has been through a lot and not much rattles him anymore. He hides it at times behind his gruff exterior but he has a very kind heart.

He has seen much in his time and he is an older Demon. He is wise and very powerful in presence. He is not one who ever gives up even in the face of what may seem like impossible odds, in fact he will just fight harder and it fuels him even more. With him on your side, you cannot lose. He has an incredible mind and is amazing at quickly assessing a situation and picking a direction to go with it. He is an amazing protector as well and a fierce warrior. He is revered and honored amongst the Hellborns as well as in the military. He prefers to use his power and might to turn things in his favor and he has plenty of that to accomplish any goals he or his companion may have. He often wins his battles using brute force, willpower and determination. He is a very proud and decorated Hellborn Commander and he is not afraid to get in there and get his hands dirty.

He comes from a place in the Grey Hellborn realm which is very unique and when he was younger he was left on his own to fend for himself. This was a very long time ago as he is very old now, but he remembers it well. It was how he began training himself and building up his muscles and might, to protect himself and keep himself safe. A passing sorcerer through the realm saw him one day get attacked. He helped him then offered to teach him how to cloak himself. Exi'<DELETED> gladly took the lesson and learned quickly and is able to cloak his entire body in shadows and move with stealth. From that day he has appeared with his lower half as smoke and can conceal himself if needed. He can hide himself or his companion and has a few other magickal tricks and abilities up his sleeve. He does not present himself as one who knows any magick and so it is something he uses to catch his enemies off guard. He goes for magick and spells that are powerful and have massive results and impact.

And because I was curious about the differences in skin colors (I have a purple hellborn, my first calling was for a red hellborn, and now I have a grey hellborn and I was wondering if the skin colors were a bit like cats and how their fur impacts their behaviors and personalities, and yup, it kinda does rofl)… I looked up what having grey skin meant in Hellborns.

Akelta wrote:
Grey Hellborns: A mysterious group of Hellborns that come from an incredibly dark realm. The Lava is cooler and almost black in colour. The mountains are black and dark and the realm is very grey and void of colour. These hellborns are very patient and work with divination of the ash and lava. They read the signs around them and can see things that are are unseen. They are sign readers and they are very powerful with divination. Being the second largest of the hellborns they are also incredible warriors who are skilled in battle. They are disciplined in battle and they work with powerful mind exercises to focus and concentrate their strength and power. They combine focusing to channel their might into powerful focused and precise moves.

Grey Hellborns

~ Incredibly disciplined fighters
~ Can help one to master martial arts
~ Can open one up to the advanced areas of the mind and mental power
~ Help one to utilize and access the potential of the human mind.
~ Channeling the power inside into powerful blows
~ Increasing ones strength through focus
~ Channeling the muscles into focused and powerful moves
~ Raising the energies vibrations around you for focused and precise movements.

Considering the amount of time I spend bathing in lava pools, I think he and I are going to have a very complicated and exciting relationship. Also… I know hellborns are normally pushy, but… this guy is every bit as pushy as my very first calling, maybe moreso. And I LOVE HIM.

And now I’ve realized that I have a really powerful connection to Hellborns in general, and so I’ve decided that once I’ve finished paying off my Desire Demon binding, I’m going to see if there are any blue or red hellborns who have an interest in sharing my little life. They are just so much fun. So dominating, and forceful, and energetic and… MOVING. All the things I need in my world. lol

Welcome to the family, Exi!

Are You Ready to Work with Demons?

Let’s start with the easy questions.

What exactly are you looking for in a demon Lord, or a demon familiar and companion? What are your plans for your future when it comes to working with, and living with, demons and demonic companions? Why are you drawn to them? Is it just curiosity, or are you looking for a spiritual path? If you’re exploring a spiritual path, are you exploring Thelema, the goetia, and other forms of ceremonial magicks, or are you looking at Satanism, Theistic Satanism, Demonolatry, Luciferianism, or another specific religious/non-religious path?

When you can answer these questions for yourself, you will know more about whether working with the Demonic Lord’s or a demon companion is right for you.

Education is the fulcrum around which working with demons revolves. It’s important that you educate yourself about ancient mythology and ancient religions, as well as older forms of magick used in those pre-Christian cultures, but also that you gain a working knowledge of demons themselves. Working with demons takes a level of dedication that… seems to be missing in most other spirit path practices. If you’re willing to push yourself, if you’re wanting to stretch and grow, even if it’s not always comfortable or pleasant, then working with demons is definitely for you.

If you’re just looking for quick fixes to everyday problems – a demon can help with that, sure… but they probably won’t if you’re not going to give them your own effort in turn.

It’s important for people to take their time to really think about where they want to be in a year, in five years, in ten years, in fifty years, when they’re thinking of working with any kind of entity – not just demons, but also angels, gods/immortals, the Sidhe, etc. because the entities that can be summoned and conjured are used to working with magicians. They’ve had contact with humans practicing magick for thousands of years (I’m not joking – it goes all the way back to Babylonian and beyond times), and they’re used to being educators and counselors, and they expect when they are being worked with that you will be invested in discovering more about the underlying movements of the universe and the powers that rule our souls and our everyday lives. They expect that when someone comes to them, that person is seeking to evolve themselves, through knowledge and practice. They expect formality, respect, and dedication. They expect magickal experience and knowledge.

It’s important to know these facts before working with ANY entity.

If you truly seek this path, welcome – everyone on this path who is knowledgable will do whatever they can to assist you on your journey, though most of it will be deeply personal to you, and thus we may not be able to always offer assistance.

Blessings –
Raven

Working with Asmoday – Exercises and Results

Last night, I was so tired I was having trouble keeping my eyes open. I crawled into bed, and I had JUST gotten comfortable… and suddenly I was wide awake. I could feel that subtle nudge – “Go to your ritual room and meditate.”

“NO. I JUST got comfortable. I need to sleep.” I snuggled deeper into my blankets… but I already knew, sleep wasn’t going to happen. I sighed to myself, and said, “Fine. I’ll meet you half way. I’ll stay here, but I’ll still meditate.”

With my eyes closed, curled up in my blankets, I visualized myself getting out of bed. I went over to where my robe hung, and put it on. I walked into the hallway, and through the living room, into my ritual room. I sat down on my meditation chair, and picked up the box of matches. I lit a match and the scent of sulfur wafted up to me. I lit my black candle, already set up on my altar. And then I realized that, once again, I’d forgotten the incense. I got up, and went back into the living room to the coffee table. I pulled out the drawer with the herbs, and picked up the box of Nag Champa incense sticks, and pulled one out. The powder dusted my hands, and for a moment, I enjoyed the sweet smell. I put the box back, closed the drawer, and walked back into my ritual space and sat down again. I held the stick of Nag Champa to the candle flame – it shook like always, and I had to use two hands to steady it. When it caught, I waited a moment, and then shook the flame away, and placed the smoking stick into the holder.

In my mind, I closed my eyes, sat back, put my hands on my knees, and began to breathe. As I breathed, I counted. Three, three, three. Two, two, two. One, one, one.

I couldn’t remember His Enn. I haven’t worked with Him enough to have committed it to memory. “Asmoday, I invite you to my ritual space.”

I waited. It didn’t take long before He was there. He’s thinner than I remember, but His black hair is the same. “Ok. I’m here. What are we doing?”

He hands me a ball, charged with energy. I remember this – I have a ball made of real rubber – it’s actually a racquetball – and when I’m teaching students to sense energies, I will charge the ball with a specific type, and then have them hold it and tell me what the energy is.

“Match your aura to the energy,” He tells me.

I take the ball from Him. I Look, and say, “Fire.” The ball is flame. My aura does not shift.

He takes the ball back, charges it again, and hands it to me. “Ice.” Again, I cannot make my aura shift.

He takes the ball back. “Are you Seeing, or Sensing the energy?”

“I’m only Seeing. I can’t sense it at all.”

He sighs at me. “You are so stubbornly pig-headed. Why are you not doing this?”

“I keep trying. I can’t sense anything. I’ve tried everything, but I just can’t do it.” I’m frustrated, and I feel depressed. I can feel the block. I just can’t make it go away.

“Let’s try something else then.”

I feel Him Calling to someone, and then almost immediately, Rashoon is behind me. She wraps Her arms around me, leaning over me like a blanket, a protective shell. I snuggle into Her embrace, and I can feel myself melting, the tension in my body evaporating.

“How do you feel right now,” He asks.

“I feel safe. Protected.”

“Good. Let’s try again. Shift your aura.” He hands me the ball again. It’s fire, but this time, I can see beneath the fire. I can see the sparks of His energy that make it fire. And then, I sense the vibrating string which makes the whole of it… and the second I sense that string, my aura SHIFTS.

He reaches out, and touches the ball, and now it is Ice again… and my aura shifts. He touches the ball again, and it is Shadow, and I can feel myself stilling, sinking, darkening. He reaches out and changes the ball back to ice, and again, I shift.

“Good. Now We know. Now We can help,” He says, and then I’m back in my bed, and They are gone. I’m sweating, my whole body flushed with heat.

I get up and go into the living room to the coffee table, and open the drawer where I keep my scented tea lights. I pull out one of the red ones. The scent is “Sensual Passion.” Right now it’s His favorite. I put it into my amethyst holder, and light it, and finally, I’m sleepy again. I crawl into bed, His offering a soft glow beside me, and fall asleep.

And then I dream.

 

I’ve been gone a month, staying with my mother. I’m finally home, and I came home in the dark and went immediately to bed. When I wake up, the curtains are messed up. I go to fix them, and there’s things stuck to the windows. An infrared security camera pointed at the alley. A planter, sideways, with spider plant in it. And then I notice that there’s a cat bed, and a bowl with cat toys. I realize the planter is for the cats, and try to put it back. It won’t stay. I put the planter down on the floor, and finish fixing the curtains. I can ask Robin later to fix the planter again. There are cardboard boxes all over the floor, and I start to gather them up to throw them away. Seed packages go everywhere, and I realize that while I was gone, Robin had been thinking of me, and how much I love green growing things in the house. He’d bought seeds, and soil, and pots, all ready and waiting for when I came home. I feel so loved. I gather up the seed packets and put them neatly away, and leave the bedroom.

The living room is a disaster. There’s crap EVERYWHERE… and there are two strangers, a man and a woman, in my house. I don’t know them, and they don’t belong there. I scream at them, “Get out of my house!” I chase them out. I’m so angry. I follow them out of the house, still shouting. I want to call the police. I’m looking for the apartment manager – I want to let him know about these strangers who are squatting in my house.

One of the demons who lives with me comes up behind me. I can’t tell if it’s Euild or Teaze. I just feel him like a protective shadow, a few feet behind me, exuding strength. “Do you need help?”

“I need to get their stuff out of my house.” He nods, and we go back to the apartment, and begin to clean. I throw electronics I don’t recognize out the front door. I’m throwing puzzles into the trash can, and little tabletop gaming models, and trash. SO much TRASH. I’m overwhelmed. “I don’t know what’s ours and what’s theirs!” I’m so angry and upset I’m trying not to cry.

The man comes back into the house and sits down in front of me. I want to hurt him. I want to tear into him, I want to see him BLEED. I start throwing things at him – anything I can get my hands on – a yellow coffee cup full of some kind of liquid, a clay bowl, other things. I run out of objects before I run out of rage. I shove the coffee table up against his legs so he can’t leave. I start to crawl towards him. I’m still so angry, still raging, I want to destroy him. “You have a spare bedroom. Why won’t you share it.”

“That is my SON’S room. You will NOT take my son’s room away from him. You will not take that away from ME.” I’m even angrier. Just because my son doesn’t live with us does not mean he can just steal my house, THAT ROOM, from me. I feel murderous.

The woman comes in, and I find out that they have a third person, someone not well, sleeping on the couch in the spare bedroom. I force them to leave again, and I follow them out. The neighbors are all concerned, trying to help.

Once again, the demon is there, behind me, supporting and strengthening me. “What do you need?”

“Right now what I really WANT is a very rare steak.” I’m still trying not to think about how badly I wanted to rip the man’s throat out with my teeth. Gnawing on steak is a safe alternative. Wisely, my demon says nothing as he follows me, still raging, back into the house.

 

I wake up, and I understand EXACTLY what the dream was about. When you dream of a house, the house is an image of you – your emotional and psychological insides.

Empathy made me feel invaded, all the time. I was full of junk – pieces of other people’s lives. It was a mess, and I could never tell what was mine, and what was anyone else’s. People took up my space, and parts of them hid in places I believed sacred. My son’s room may be empty, but it is still HIS. It will ALWAYS be his – that’s my CHOICE. It was never my choice to have everyone ELSE in that space – in ANY of my space. They just moved in and took over, strewing their messes everywhere, surrounding me with detritus, the flotsam and jetsam of their lives.

I never felt safe, and I was always ANGRY. No matter how careful I was with people on the outside, on the inside, I raged at them all, wanting to hurt them as much as I was being hurt by them… and in the end, when it cost me everything, when I died because of their messes… I wanted to murder them in return.

I miss a lot of things that my empathy let me see… but I’m still so angry, and so traumatized, and I still haven’t been able to finish cleaning up the mess. I still can’t tell the difference between myself, and theirs… so I resist. I block it out. I REFUSE, at a base level I have no control over, no awareness of.

It’s going to take a long time, a lot of patience, to help me feel safe again. I’m not afraid of the work. My empathy IS under my control, or I wouldn’t be able to block it so effectively… and the exercises with King Asmoday show me, over and over, that sensing, even shifting to what I sense, does not mean drowning. It doesn’t mean Becoming, it doesn’t mean being invaded and violated.

The wounds are deep. The work is worth it.

Needs Met

I worked with King Paimon again this morning. However, I did not cast a circle (didn’t have time), or write His sigil on paper to be burned (again, no time) because I forgot what day it was until about three minutes to sunrise. I’m glad I remembered and was able to get into my ritual space, grab the bells, light His candle and some frankincense for Him, and begin chanting His Enn.

It didn’t take long for Him to come to me, once I settled into the energies. He again introduced me to King Asmoday, and He has instructed me to begin working with Asmoday as soon as possible. He also wants me to start working on my relationship with my husband (we have a really good relationship, but between our schedules, we’re not as close as He thinks a married couple should be) and so He has requested that I also devote one day a week to working with Rashoon.

To that end, my husband bought me two yellow 7day candles, and one pink one, some more frankincense incense (which he hopes will smell better than the frankincense that I use – except that his is just organic bulk, and mine was harvested by an incense specialist, by hand, from different types of frankincense producing plants all over the middle east, and is neatly stored in separate bags, by origin and type – eg, Beyo, Boswellia carteri, origin: Somalia; Cricognimu, Boswellia dalzielii, origin: Burkina Faso; etc – if you’re interested in the company, it’s Ethereal Aromas Incense Company http://www.eaincense.com/ and trust me They Are Worth It).

I’ve also agreed to start a new thread for my work with King Asmoday, and a thread for my work with Lady Rashoon. I’ve been told that the reason my post about my Journey work to fix the issue I had with rejecting my empathy was because it was work I did with Lord Asmoday, and therefore should have been on HIS thread, not on King Paimon’s thread, even though King Paimon brought King Asmoday in and introduced us to make sure I understood I should work with Him on that front.

 

One of the things that really struck me was, when I was asking if there was anything I needed to be doing, King Paimon stopped me, and said, “Is there anything YOU need?”

I immediately said, “No,” because there really isn’t… and then I realized I’d answered too quickly and not actually thought about it, which was what He wanted me to do – to THINK about What I Need…

So I did. I came to the same conclusion – there are some things in my life that aren’t very smooth, but there’s little that can be done about them, and aside from those hiccups that can’t be solved, I really have no needs or complaints. And maybe that’s the most important thing I got out of this morning – the realization that I have what I need.

King Asmoday has been with me almost every night – He always comes in the form of a dog with coyote colorings, including the banding – but still very definitely a dog – and I feel very safe and protected whatever we get up to. Some of what I’ve been dreaming just seems like nonsense, so I haven’t written it down, but I did take a moment this morning to let King Paimon know that the level of attention I was receiving was very comforting, and exactly what I’ve needed for so long – and knowing that King Paimon is behind King Asmoday’s coming to me every night, knowing that my Lord has an interest in the health of my relationships with others, knowing that if I DO need anything, I have someone I can ask who will respond, knowing that if there’s something I need that I don’t recognize, that He will step in and call my attention to it… it is so freeing, so soothing.

I am loved. I am lucky. It is enough.

8th Sunrise, Sunday the 14th of January

This morning’s sunrise was… a bit of a disaster, honestly.

On the up side, I got to share it with my husband.

On the down side… I got to share it with my husband.

It was cold. He didn’t want to be outside. I forgot, because he’s very distracting, bouncy and all over the place which disorganizes me mentally, that it was Sunday, and so had to rush inside and prepare for my ritual with my Patron… and my darling husband kept talking and moving and just generally shot my concentration to pieces every two seconds… and he hates the smell of frankincense…

Today, I’m going back to bed to try and reset my brain after all that.

I’ve realized, I’ve gotten used to my sunrises being MINE. My quiet time, my moment… which I am EXTREMELY jealous of.

 

On to my brief five senses exploration of the morning. This morning smelled of smoke, with a faint chemical after-tang, so people have been burning wood for heat again. I heard a couple of crows, quite far away, and enough of the peeper bird that I’m almost ready to say what kind of bird it is. I didn’t see any of my bird friends, but the sky was lovely, all copper and fire and rich red rose, fading into white and deep, dusky blues. The sun rose very quickly, and there was no wind, so while it was cold, it wasn’t unpleasantly so. My cheeks and ears and nose were unburned. Emotionally, I was… a bit strained. Disordered. My husband was rather grumpy – he thought we were going to watch the sunrise from inside, and when I tried to explain that you cannot experience a moment without being IN IT, he was a tad bit… miffed. I was unable to fully connect with the moment at all until he’d left the porch, and by that time I was so all over the place, and then I suddenly realized it was Sunday, and…

No connecting with the energies of the moment at all this time.

However, I consider this a valuable experience, and tomorrow, which I also plan to share with my husband, will not go as badly.

-Raven

Reintegration Struggles

As I leaned on the damp balcony rail, looking out over the pale rising light, I was also reaching within me, testing the return of my Gift.

The reintegration is not going well. After my ritual on Sunday, I had a very restless night, and the reason is that as I was beginning to fall asleep, I felt something enter my body. I could literally SEE another body inside with me. It frightened me and I fought to push it out, even as I knew that it had something to do with my Gift – but because it was so unexpected, so overwhelming, I simply reacted and shoved. And then every time I started to drop back off to sleep, I’d panic and jolt awake.

I know it wasn’t a possession. The body didn’t feel like a god, a lwa, or one of those nasty little pests that infect the weak minded. It was made of light though it didn’t FEEL like light. It just felt… solid. And I KNEW I was supposed to be merging with it, not fighting it, but I was so reactive, I couldn’t help it.

So the next day, I tried to fix what I’d done… and it didn’t work as well as I’d hoped, because I then had a dream that if the rejection won, the power would have to go somewhere, and it would most likely hit my son – who is absolutely not prepared for anything woo in his life. My mother raised him as an atheist.

So… I went back to the place where my vision started – the standing stones with their gems of many colored light. I gathered up the light, and swallowed it. And then I tried again to blend with the power I’d rejected so violently.

Right now, I’m at a standstill. I can feel it half in me and half out… that body of power… I can feel the anxious tension between us… but I can’t seem to get further than this.

At sunrise today, I finally decided, I need help to fix this.

I stood with my arms on that damp balcony rail, and I spoke His Enn until I felt His presence.

“I’m stuck. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to fix this. Can You help me?”

“Ah, my lovely girl, you know this is your task. This is your challenge. You must find the answer to this puzzle on your own.” I feel His hand gently move my hair from my face.

“I’m afraid. Will You stay with me while I work on it? Will You hold my hand?”

“I am always with you. All you need do is ask and I am here.”

“Thank you. I’ll work on it again today. I tried to get You rain water, by the way. It’s not working out.”

“Psh – the purified water will do until the rain water comes. A drop of blood in it would be better though.”

“I’ll look for the kit. If we kept it, I know the three most likely places to look. If I can’t find the kit, You will have to wait on that, too, but I will make it happen when I can.”

“When you can. Enjoy the day, my lovely.”

4th Sunrise, Wednesday the 10th of January

Today was a busy thinking sunrise. Again, the world was grey with only a tiny hint of mauve which quickly vanished. I got to hear the peeping of the birds again, saw the same mystery bird flying off and doing its strange vanishing trick. A single, VERY large crow visited, chattered for a bit about the meal he’d found, and then flew off again.

The traffic was a little heavier today, and because the roads were wet, there was a lot more shushing of tires. I got to smell baking sugars this morning, but the chemical afterscent of oil – both cooking oils and road oils, made it less sniffy than usual.

Before the roads got so busy that the chemical smells started, though, the air was so pure. I love the smell of the air after it’s been raining a while. It was still misting – not raining, but there was enough water moving in the air that you could feel the finest drops touching you everywhere. The railing on my balcony was damp, and the water felt lovely. It’s strange to have such a warm rain in January. Especially considering that in two days time, we’re expecting another freeze and some snow. It was 40 degrees F this morning, quite balmy considering the weather last week.

I could feel the earth thinking about spring, which worries me. It’s too early. I hope we don’t have any blossom die-offs again this year. Missouri winters are just so unpredictable.

I had the idea, while sitting out in this very unseasonable damp, that perhaps a “Break the Back of Winter” ritual might be appropriate soon. I’m thinking that sometime during the first week of February, I might create such a ritual… and I’m thinking that Asmodeus is going to be a part of it. I can feel Him in the back of my mind, rubbing His hands in pleasure at the thought of such a ritual.

Perhaps He wants a holiday of His own.

How was your own sunrise? Were you inspired, too?

Taking Back the Heart

Earlier this week, we had spoken very briefly to decide when He would like for us to work together – to set up a regular schedule. Paimon’s correspondences include the planetary body, the Sun, as well as the astrological sign Gemini and the directions West and Northwest. Because Gemini is associated with dawn, and because the sun is, as well, we decided that Sundays at dawn would be a good time for us to meet, to start.

I set my alarm for 6 AM, because the sun rose today at 7:18 here in Missouri, and I wanted enough time to ready my ritual space and myself – however, my downstairs neighbors woke me at four, and the cats dragged my happy ass out of bed by five.

I took a ritual shower (I do ritual baths for major ceremonies that I have at night), set up my space, created a new sigil for him (my first, the image on the tablet kept jumping all over the place, so it was… rather messy), set up my altar, put a fresh yellow candle in the center of his offering dish, poured some purified water over the dish as well, lit the red candle for fire and the incense charcoal in the cauldron, and added frankincense resin to the charcoal. I stirred the sea salt to make sure it was still fresh, and cleaned the bowl I use for my water offering, and poured more purified water into it. Finally, I lit King Paimon’s candle from the candle for fire.

I drew a second copy of His sigil, this time without the circle, on a small piece of paper.

I took off my robe, centered myself, and cast my circle, inviting the elements and their Kings, using the Demonic Lord’s Enns. I then settled into my meditation chair, and focused on my breathing. When I felt I was ready, I began shaking the bells rhythmically as I chanted King Paimon’s Enn.

When I felt the power swell within me, I held the sigil to the flame from His candle, and when it was burning well enough, I dropped it into my larger cauldron.

I closed my eyes, re-centered, and waited.

It wasn’t long before I felt his hand on the middle of my back, over my heart, just below my shoulder blades. I breathed into the energy, and said, “I don’t know how to take back my heart. I died. I sacrificed it to come back. I wouldn’t even know where to look… and I’m not sure I want it back. I don’t want to be manipulated and used anymore.”

He smiled. “You have already learned how to draw in your aura. You will never again be a victim of your empathy. I know you miss the Song. I know you feel the hole. Let me make you whole again. Here.” In His hand was an orb of energy, a riot of rainbow. Every color of emotion, swirling madly in his palm.

I considered the hole in my chest, the feeling, after all this time, of jagged, sharp edged wounds unhealed. His had on my back supporting me, I took a breath, and said, “OK.”

Gently, He placed the orb into my chest. Immediately, I felt it begin to connect to me, mending broken strands of me, weaving me back together. Like an infection, it sped through first my physical energetic systems, and then slowly began to infiltrate my other layers, binding to every chakra along the way. As we watched, and occasionally He directed my attention to a new layer or a new area, the Gift that all of my abilities rests upon came home, and finally, I understood. Not an infection at all, but instead, my foundation, my stability, my strength. I watched as this rainbow of power healed places that I didn’t even know were broken, re-weaving me into wholeness.

As everything finally settled, He patted me once more on the back. “Good. Better. You will need rest now. And water. It must settle. Do nothing yet. Wait. When you may extend yourself, I will come to you.”

I opened my eyes, bowed before my altar, gave thanks to my Patron and to the four Elemental Kings and to the All, put out the candles, and went out to greet the day.

I admit, I did try to stretch, just a little bit, while outside. I couldn’t reach very far, but I could feel the difference. Now I have to actually WORK to stretch my aura. It has learned to stay close to me. I am not a victim of my empathy anymore, and never will be again.

And finally, after years of silence… I heard the Song. Just the edge of it, but it was enough. I almost cried.

Keeping an Oath

The circle is cast, the candles lit, the offerings made. His sigil is painted in gold on canvas and laid on the altar.

I breathe in, and out. In, and out.

In my hand, I hold a bracelet made of bells. As I breathe, I shake the bells in rhythmic time to my breath, as in my mind His Enn echoes… “Linan tasa jedan Paimon, Linan tasa jedan Paimon, Linan tasa jedan Paimon.”

I see a thick rope of energy stretching out into infinity before me, a cord built of Enn and Name. I reach out and take hold of it, resolved to follow it to its end and Keeper.
I plummet, and find myself surrounded by mists, in a circle of worn down rocks. Each stands as tall as I, and each has a gemstone at about heart height, all the gems producing pastel light through the vapor around me. I see ballet slipper, butter, cerulean… I know there are more, but the world is wavering before me, as if the mist has been parted by a frameless window. Through it, I see the desert.

As I try to see clearer, I feel an odd… shifting/falling/spinning… and then I am surrounded by sand and heat. A sharp wind whips me with small grains, pushing me forward, and to the right. I look in that direction and begin to walk.

It’s not long before I find a scorpion. It’s nearly a foot long, almost see through. My mind tells me to be wary, but emotionally, I feel no fear, no concern. I find myself remembering the fifth pentacle of Mars seal of Solomon, the scorpion seal for protection and reversal of negative energy, which at the end of my long illness was so pivotal in my rebirth. I reach down, and stroke the scorpion in gratitude for its message and its nature, and then I walk a wide circle around it to the left, and then continue straight, again letting the wind show me the way.

Sand wafts like smoke signals before me, and I follow them.

I come to a clay vessel buried in the desert soil. As I gently brush the sand away to unearth it, I find it is nearly three feet tall, but it weighs very little. It is still sealed shut with wood and tar and leather, and both handles are still attached. The pottery feels slick and cool, and oddly smooth and pitted at the same time – as if I am feeling both the present and the past all at once. I open it to find water. As I drink, I find beneath the water dates, raisins, and figs, and chunks of spices and resins. Under the fruit and spices, I find scrolls, fragile and ancient, their ink long since vanished away. Finally, I find flakes of gold, as if the inside of the urn was once gilded, and time washed it all to the bottom.

I understand, these are the riches I carry within myself – a symbol of the gifts I carry in offering to others, and also a representation of what is being offered to me.

I hoist the urn up, and with rope, I place it on my back to carry with me… and then I move forward. The wind turns me again to the right, and before me I see ruts in the sand, as if many wheels have passed. I find this strange – wheels would bog down in the granulated earth – and then I see that there are stones, a road, paved through the desert. I follow the grooves.

There is another strange skipping sensation, and I am standing beside stone walls. They have been worn away with time – most are buried in the sands, but what remains only comes to my knees in places. I reach out and rub my hands on the bricks, feeling their rough, weathered texture against my palms. As I take my hands away, I rub the grit off between my fingers. I feel an enormous sense of pleasure in the feel of those stones and the dust of ages – a feeling of deep appreciation for the history they represent. This is a City. There is a sense of City as an energy, a human experience. As I touch the walls, I feel in touch with times beyond my memory… and yet I see the days when the City stood as if I lived them – as if I REMEMBER them.

I have a sense of someone with me, now, behind and to my left. I cannot see them – I am focused on the arch that has appeared.

I walk through the entrance, and there is another twist to reality. I am at an ancient well in the center of the city. I have a sense of the city both alive and dead around me as I kneel at the well. I take the urn off my back, and use the rope to send it down into the well. I’m not sure if I’m offering what’s in the urn to the depths, or if I am drawing something out of them with the vessel. Perhaps it is both.

I see a male hand held out to me in offering. It is brown, and callused. As it reaches towards me, I can see a silk cuff at the wrist. I hear a man’s voice say, “Take back your heart, Sister.”

I’m hesitant. I’m not sure if I want to…. but, I take the hand, and feel it help me begin to rise up.

My eyes open. I offer my thanks, and open the circle.

Simple Rites

This is my altar for my most recent evocation. What you see is the bare bones of a ritual. The canvas bears the sigil of the demon I am working with. Upon the canvas, I have a candle, in the color he requested, and below that, a plate of offerings. The offerings are gemstones which match his specialty, and an incense mix which he chose. The herbs are cat nip, rose, chamomile, jasmine, lavender, lemon balm, and lobelia. The resin is copal, and the essential oil is an amber blend.

This is also the incense which is burning on the charcoal. The incense serves a dual purpose, in that it is an offering to the Air element, but is also tuned to the intentions which I and the demon are working towards. I have a red candle, which is an offering to the element of Fire, a bowl of purified water as an offering to the Water element, and a bowl of sea salt as an offering to the element of Earth.

Once my altar was set up, I settled on my meditation chair, lit the candles, added the incense to my charcoal, closed my eyes, and began to breathe into trance.

As I drew each breath, I counted down. I drew three deep breaths, and as I breathed out, I chanted in my mind the number three. I then drew three more deep breaths, and as I breathed out, I chanted the number two. I drew three final breaths, chanting the number one. As I counted down, and breathed, I entered a state of holding – of stillness.

Once in that state, I began my evocation. The evocation is simple. I place the first two fingers of my right hand upon the canvas which bears his sigil, resting my fingertips lightly, as I chant, “I call to you, ‘(name of demon goes here). Join me in my sacred space. I seek counsel from you. Come forth, and join in companionship,” three times.

This is a soft evocation. It is an invitation, a request. It is not a demand. It does not use force. It is not reliant on the force of others. It does not require any tools – the items on my altar are not tools, even those which stand as representation of elements of my ritual. They are offerings only, and unnecessary save for politeness.

The key to my ritual is respect. This demon is one I have worked with many times. In the beginning, I did a lot of research about him. When I felt I was ready, I set up my altar of offerings to him, and drew his sigil on three small pieces of paper. That morning, I burned his sigil, while making my request to work with him, and then I meditated, paying attention to the energy that flowed through my sacred space. Throughout the day, I paid attention to the world around me, taking note of any favorable or negative signs. That evening, I burned the second sigil, again making my request, and meditated, feeling out the flows of energy around me. That night, I placed the third sigil under my pillow. The next morning, I noted my dreams of the night. The signs I had received, the energies I felt, and the dreams I had, all indicated to me a positive response.

I took the third sigil out from under my pillow, went to my altar, and burned it, repeating my evocation request. At this time, he arrived, and we sat down to have a serious discussion about why I had called him – what I hope to learn from working with him, hope to gain, and also what requests he had for offerings, specific behaviors he required of me when working with him.

For this demon, he requires a white candle, certain gemstones, and certain oils to be anointed on his offerings when I evoke him. He has requested that we meet at a certain time, and that if we’re not going to be working on a daily basis, that I follow the 24 hour procedure when I do wish to work with him, unless we have an agreed upon schedule. Right now, I am working with him daily, but eventually as this current growth cycle comes to a conclusion, it is likely that I will only be working with him on his weekday, and that may eventually become only a lunar cyclical pattern.

This particular demon and I are doing extensive shadow work within my soulscape. We are working on correcting some long-held negative emotional patterns, and the experiences with him, while they have often been quite difficult and challenging, have been extremely beneficial, and the release of so much repressed emotional baggage has been truly freeing.

When I began working with Angels and demons, my first research was Goety. The Lesser Key rituals were extravagant, and for certain entities, brutal, violent. I felt extremely uncomfortable with the style. It’s not in me to abuse, especially when I understood already that the entities I was working with were deities of ancient pantheons, and only recently demonized by the newest religion. As I’m not a practitioner of that religion, I felt that to approach Goetic angels or demons in this fashion would be disingenuous of my own true nature and path.

Because I had already had a strong grounding in the fundamentals of magick, because I understood that most of the trappings of ritual are tools for the developing magician and not truly necessary once a practitioner reaches a certain stage in their practice, I decided to look for other practitioners and their ways of doing things, and I decided to experiment.

In my journey, I found a book on Demonolatry, where the goetic entities are evoked in a similar formal manner, but without the egoic posturing of the magician, and without the abuse of those entities. I also found even simpler rituals of evocation in the works of Frater U∴D∴, which I truly felt most in tune with my own mindset, and which eventually became the backbone of my own evocation practices. Finally, I met a demonolatry priestess, whose written invitations, with minor editing, became my own.

I feel that it is important for each practitioner who wishes to begin evocation of entities to study many sources of evocation practices, and to eventually build their own rituals, rites, and practices from those studies, in accordance to their own nature, their own will, their own ethical and moral perspectives. It is also important for each practitioner to continue to develop those perspectives and practices even after they have codified them. We can always learn something new – and isn’t that mostly why we practice evocation in the first place?

-Raven

How Not To Heal A Loss

Last night’s exercise was the first Astral Sight attunement exercise with Tz (who will forever more be nicknamed Tease for reasons I may or may not explain at a later date).

We all know my astral sight is pretty good, so while we did spend a few minutes with me examining his appearance, eventually he decided he wanted to help me deal with my emotional turmoil instead.

He took me to a hellborne hospital to meet demons who have lost pieces of themselves and are learning to live with that. Unfortunately, that’s… not quite what happens, or at least, not what was happening with the patient I saw.

The patient had a wedge removed from the back of his skull. I’m not joking – a wedge, including parts of his brain, was just GONE.

The wedge missing included a talent he had with conjuring blue flame, manipulating it. The flame itself, and all that he was able to do with it – that gift was gone now.

The medical staff took a weird looking sponge and put it in the space where the wedge was missing, and I was watching it draw out some shadowy looking stuff… and I realized they were taking all his memories that surrounded his gift. Rather than him having to learn to live without it, they were taking his memories of it, so that in his mind, he never had it to begin with, so he wouldn’t go through the emotional turmoil of having lost it.

This… understandably freaked me out. I mean, I get why they were doing it – to save him pain – but… he’d already lost a core part of himself, and their solution was to steal more.

I couldn’t watch. I grabbed him and… CHANGED him as I fixed the issue…

I think everyone, including me, was a little horrified about this… well, except for the patient… who calmly, even happily, sat there conjuring little blue flames into his palms. He didn’t care that he was a demon who now had a faerie matrix… he cared that he got his fire back.

I don’t think they’ll allow me back to the hospital. They’re probably right.

Tonight when I speak to Tease, I’m going to have to tell him that if he ever finds a human with damage like that, he needs to not take their memories. Humans don’t cope well with that… if you steal their memories of who they were before the loss, they can go a little insane – because they not only will have the feeling they’ve lost something but don’t know what, but they’ll know that they don’t know… and they’ll keep poking at the missing memories, looking for why the feel this way, until it drives them bonkers.

-Raven

What Was Lost

So… last night was the final Energy Sensing exercise, and… it’s taken me a lot to come to terms with what I discovered about myself in this session, which is why I’m writing today. I was… overwhelmed enough with the discovery last night that I actually had to stop the session, and take a moment for my emotions to settle, before I could start over again.

So… the candles were lit, the sigil had been anointed in amber oil, the offerings had been set out, the incense was burning. I took my nine deep, counting breaths… and said the invocation that sets my intention to work with E on sensing energies.

The first thing I noticed was that while I can “see” him just fine… my ability to SENSE him… in fact, Sense ANYONE in my household… has really changed.

Before I died, the world was full of songs. Everyone, everything, had a vibrational map to them. I could see the vibrational map – like those tattoos you can get that, when you use an app to play them, repeat the sound that the tattoo represents. Only, I saw so much more than just the sound. There’s so much other information stored in the wavelengths of the songs – information about multiplicity of bodies, information about past and future… all the possible information for a thing or being, existed in those wavelengths of their vibratory song.

When I conjured for other people, I would compare the wavelengths to make sure they harmonized before I’d agree to a match.

When I healed, I sometimes would repair the song, rather than the person.

When I cast spells for people, I cast them into the song of the person, so that the spell became a part of their song. I CHANGED them by changing their songs.

 

What I didn’t understand, when I chose to sacrifice my empathic abilities on the plains of the Wastelands, so that I could live again… was that my ability to understand the songs, to see the wavelengths the way that I did, ALL the work I did with the songs of the multiverse, even the way I traveled the multiverse…

It all was tangled up in my empathic gift.

Sacrificing my empathy… left me deaf to the songs.

 

And it was while working with Euild last night that I finally understood that. I realized, as I was trying to sense him rather than see him, that… I didn’t sense him. Not the way I used to. Not to that depths of comprehension of the makeup of a being.

That was GONE.

 

I had to stop, in the middle of bonding. I had to walk away, to pull myself together. I was so mixed up. I’m glad I’m not an empath anymore. Empaths are slaves, pure and simple. I’m glad to be free to be myself, and that I no longer have the feeling of everything in the world under my skin, that I no longer have to listen to it all and adapt to it all. I no longer have to feel your emotions and choose a response that makes your emotions change so they don’t hurt me anymore.

I can let other people be, and feel, whatever they want around me… and I can feel and be whatever I want to. It’s so freeing, to not have to deal with all that anymore.

But… Now I have to learn a new way to sense the Songs. I have to learn a new way to conjure for others if I choose to go back to that. I have to learn everything, all over again, because the old way won’t work anymore. I have to relearn it, so I can do it the way I can, NOW, not the way I did, THEN.

 

It took me a few moments to get over that. I was… really overwhelmed and mixed up. I ended up calling my bestie to help me get some space between me and those feelings, so that I could go back to the exercise with Euild.

However, once I was calm and able to sit with him again, we got into the exercise, and I discovered… Our hearts sync up when we’re working with each other… and I can feel the pulse of his heart, the beat of mine answering, in my aura and on my skin. When he was on my left, the pulse would happen over the left side of my body. When he moved, the pulse would stop until he’d stopped moving, and then it would start up. The further away he was, the weaker the pulse, but it was always there.

I tried to hear the frequency of him – and afterwards, I also tried to hear Tease’s frequency. I got the same sounds and images with both of them. The sound, at once level, is the sound of an old modem dialing up, with feedback from an electric guitar on top. Then, if you drop down under that “NOISE,” and you have to drop pretty far, there’s a low tone that’s continuous – like a bell that was rung at the beginning of the multiverse, and the hum is still going, that same low, loud tone. Almost as loud as a fog horn, just ringing forever in the dark.

I’m not sure it was Euild’s frequency because I heard/saw the exact same sound when I was with Tease after, so… I’m thinking maybe I’m hearing something else. I’m not sure. It requires experimentation.

Anyway, I did feel the pulse, and that was new and interesting. I’m going to work on that, practice that.

He had me stop and try to sense everyone in the household, and I did… but I more… saw them than felt them… and again, I couldn’t feel their energetic song. I couldn’t get a grip on who/what they were by the song, because I couldn’t sense it.

Definitely something I need to work a lot on. I’m going to mark this particular exercise as something I need to do nightly from now on until I get it.

-Raven

PS – You’ll notice I’ve gone from calling him E to Euild. It’s kinda his fault. When he first arrived, the first part of his name, Evid, struck me, and my comment was “Like Ovid?” “No.” “Okay… ”

So since then, I’ve been calling him Evid, but last night when I was finished with our exercise together, I was writing down my notes on the session in the dark… and I wrote his name as Euild… which means Wild. So.. he now has the nickname Euild, forever more. lol

HDC Tz – Husband’s Turn

Tonight, we worked on the second Hearing Attunement exercise.

As with SDC E, I had no idea what questions to ask, but this time I had a better idea of what I was supposed to be figuring out, so… I asked him to show me what Yes answers and No answers FEEL like… it was interesting that the same upwards and downwards vibrations along my forehead occurred as with this exercise with SDC E – with upwards tingling meaning yes, and downwards meaning no. I also got the same feeling of either lightness, or heaviness, over my entire aura.

I asked for him to show me what Yes and No LOOKED like… but that answer was so complicated that the colors blurred together and I said, “Right, so we won’t be going by color then.”

Having focused on the feeling and the sensation of Yes and No answers, I finally turned to the question I ask every evening. “What would you like to discuss tonight?”

He wanted to talk about my husband, and his health. In fact, Tz wants me to ask my husband if Hubby would be willing to meet him, and possibly work with him, with the goal of helping my husband get a handle on things.

My husband is allergic to stress. I mean that literally. It’s called idiopathic angioedema and it literally means that his version of a panic attack or an anxiety attack is him puffing up like he’s eaten peanuts while simultaneously being stung by every bee in the tristate area.

The worst part is, sometimes, the swelling is internal. His organs swell. His lungs fill up with fluid and he wheezes like he’s got walking pneumonia.

And lately… we can’t tell when he’s going to have an attack… because it’s gotten so bad, that he’s pretty much allergic to life.

That’s the issue with being allergic to stress… after awhile, even little things will trigger it, until you’re just always having an allergy attack.

So… Tz wants to work with my husband. He wants to help my husband with his breathing, and also help with other areas of hubby’s health that might be adding to the problem.

 

In one of the exercises with SDC E, E mentioned that my husband’s spiritual life needed addressing. He recommended that once my husband starts working day shifts, I encourage him to meditate with me daily, and also begin a daily practice of gratitude at our household altar. (No, not my altar in my sanctum – not his altar in the living room, either… we have an altar set up for our Household spirits, gods, guardians and guides, in our main living space.) I’m thinking that Tz has the same thought.. only he’s decided that he wants to be more proactive, and more of a participant.

So… after I’m done with this post, I’m going to be calling my husband at work and asking him if he’d like to meet a demon.

Granted, he’s relaxed significantly from his original statement 7 years ago, when he told me that I could do whatever I liked, but I was not to bring demons into the house, ever, at all. (You’ll notice I didn’t listen. You’ll also notice that as he got used to my Workings, he just… relaxed and let go… which is why I think he might actually say Yes to Tz’s offer now…) I now have three demons as family members, and I work with various Goety and others fairly consistently.

What helped, honestly, was communication. I talk to my husband about what I’m up to, and the experiences I have. I read him these blog posts. Every experience I have had since I met him that had any magickal, psychical, or spiritual relevance, I have shared with him. He knows about my work with Asmodeus and Astaroth. He knows about my work with the Ubi, and the Cecaelia. He knows of my work with Flauros.

I don’t hide things from my husband. I share them… and I take extreme pleasure in sharing my spiritual experiences with him… and have always been disappointed that, despite his own religious convictions (he’s Wiccan – Old School Wiccan, not this new fluffy bs), he doesn’t do more – on his own OR with me. When we met, he was looking for someone who could accept him and his faith… and I can… and he was looking for someone to practice with…

Instead, it’s become apparent that I’m the only practitioner in the house.

 

So… with the speed of a glacier, I’ve been working to change that. (Trust me, that’s as fast as my Scorpio husband will go.)

I guess SDC E and HDC Tz have decided that they’re going to… press the advantages they have. 😉

 

Before he left for the evening… he bit me good bye… and as I was coming out of the trance, I saw both him and SDC E… and they told me they would be seeing me in my dreams tonight.

I’m now POSITIVE they’re plotting something nefarious.

And I like it.

SDC E – Transformations

Today’s exercise was the second Visual Sight Attunement…

It did not go as planned.

I have a moving astigmatism. It shifts from left to right eye, and it seems to be connected, as far as my optometrist can tell, to my hormones. Which means that glasses can only do so much – because the corrective measures in glasses are a permanent thing, and my astigmatism isn’t.

There are days where my glasses actually make my vision worse.

When I’m working on psychic stuff, I ALWAYS take my glasses off – because I’ve always been psychic, but the glasses are new, and I find the edges of the lenses distracting.

My sanctum is fairly small. I’m not even sure it’s eight feet wide. It’s actually an architectural anomaly. Our wall is pushed in where the staircase is outside our door… and our downstairs’ neighbor’s front door is below where my sanctum is, so we’ve ended up with this weird nook, above their front door, but beyond the foot of the stairs.

Here’s the entry to my Sanctum – please excuse the mess, but until I can get my husband to hang up the paintings, it’s going to be… disorganized.

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Here’s the entire sanctum itself:

 

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And here’s the view from the window at the back. I’m lucky – the window faces east.

 

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So you can see that the area is QUITE small – with all my books, and my meditation seat (read beanbag chair) and altar, there’s just… not much room leftover for enormous demons to be wandering around.

And then there’s that pesky astigmatism… which has the side effect of making me partially blind wherever it’s manifesting at the time.

So… I couldn’t see E at all, anywhere… because I’m blind, this week, in the only spot in the room where the poor guy can move around.

We finally just shrugged, accepted that this particular method of contact is not for me, and moved on.

 

More than the energy and color and appearance of my spiritual family, I notice with each one that there is a sense of PLACE. For E, it seems to be his living room. It’s quite opulent, and well lit. It has amber colored wooden flooring. The chais lounge is a burgundy velvet, though the color seems to shift, so I suspect that it’s a color particular to his realm, and that I’m not seeing it correctly because it just doesn’t translate. I say chais lounge, because while it’s a little larger than a love seat, but smaller than a couch, it seems to have removable arms. Sometimes, the thing has ends, and sometimes it doesn’t.

It’s also a very heavy piece of furniture, and feels quite old. The velvet is… loved.

Behind the chais is open floor leading to a very large window. I think it encompasses the entire wall. It looks out at the sky… and perhaps it’s because I’ve never connected with him during the day, but the window is almost always dark, as if it’s night.

If you’re facing the chais, with the window in front of you, he ALWAYS sits on the right, and I always sit on the left. On his side, about fifteen feet away, a marble bar and mini kitchen fills the end of the room. It’s quite a lovely little nook. He’s fond of some kind of red brandy. It’s quite heady, and has a strong berry flavor to it… it is also nearly as thick as a liqueur. Definitely not a wine… and it packs a punch. If any of your companions offer you the stuff… go gently.

When you’re sitting on the chais, facing the wall, you will see floor to ceiling bookshelves. It’s not entirely stocked with books – most of his book collection is where it should be – in his library. So he keeps only a few in this book case… along with mementos and curios from his travels, tokens of his experiences. To the right of the bookcases, the room is in shadow. This area leads to other parts of his living spaces. In front of that darkened corner is a large, heavy chair, which is covered in a gold patterned material. A small round table, equally old, which doesn’t match the rest of the furniture at all (it’s almost spindly) is to the right of the chair, and almost always has a pair of glasses, a half-finished glass of some kind of alcohol, and a book. The books all have very loved covers. The latest one has a faded grass-green linen cover, and has poetry in it. To the left of the chair is a standing lamp. It’s made in the tiffany style… but I don’t think that it’s made of glass – it seems to be some weird kind of resinous material. The light from it is very soothing.

I’ve sat in that chair. It’s large enough for him, and me in his lap… and it makes him look smaller. It makes me feel like a child if I try to sit in it alone. I’m not sure he didn’t take it from a giant, in some kind of conquest.

I’m always surprised by his living room. His favorite colors are white, silver, grey… and yet his room is all golds, reds, greens. The only thing in the entire room that has his favorite colors in it is the marble bar top. He says that if he did every room in his favorite colors, he’d always be cold, and bored. He wanted that room to be warm and inviting.

 

When we decided that seeing him moving around just wasn’t going to happen, he brought me there. Only, today, the room was unlit. It was so dark, I couldn’t see my hand in front of my face. He was moving around me. I felt his hand touch my back, his fingers drifting down my spine. Then his touch was gone. A moment later, I felt his breath in my hair… and then it was gone. The next moment, I felt a nibble on my neck… just a tiny bite… and then gone.

I switched to a different type of sight, where scent and heat have colors, and then I saw him. I took a running leap, wrapped myself around his shoulders, and just touched my teeth to the part of his neck where it met his shoulder. “Tag!”

He smells of sandalwood and amber. It’s heady. You could get drunk on his smell.

And the sound of his voice… it’s deep, it rumbles. I can FEEL his voice when he speaks.

“Are we going to play all night, or are we going to finish what we were doing last night?” I asked. He looked… bemused… and so we went to deal with the corpse in my soulscape.

I suspect that whatever he’s up to isn’t over yet.

 

In my soulscape, my other self and I came to the conclusion that if lava doesn’t deal with the body, and earth doesn’t do it, then most likely any other elemental choices will also have no effect. What will not rot or burn needs something else.

We looked at the body that is not alive, but not dead either, and decided that the solution had to be to fix that fact. Either the body must live again, or it must actually die… this half stage just isn’t working for any of us.

So… we stepped into our Power, laid our hand in her chest, on her heart, and our lips on her lips… and we pushed life and breath into the body.

When it stopped looking like a corpse, and started looking like someone who was just sleeping, we pulled ourselves out of her. There’s still no one home… that part is gone, sacrificed to the Wastes so we could live. There’s no fixing that part. So… we gave the body a choice – to cross, or to live for itself.

We wrapped it up in silken strands, a cocoon where it can change, or die – a place where limitless possibilities exist. It did not escape my notice that spider silk and caterpillar silk have similar roots, if not similar uses. Spider silk also allows for transformations… though that kind of transformation usually isn’t as useful to the one being transformed. Inside a cocoon, a caterpillar turns into nothing but goo, and genetic strands. Slowly, out of this gelatinous material, new life grows. Butterflies and moths are the only species we know of, on our entire planet, who start out genetically one thing, change into something else that is completely genetically different (no similarities at all, not kidding), and then enters a final stage where again, there is a complete genetic shift. A cocoon is literally a cosmic doorway to infinity – ANYTHING could happen. Anything could come out of it.

We hung her cocoon from a nearby tree. Now… we wait and see. Either the cocoon will vanish and so will she, or it will be absorbed, and so will the body. But either way, at least I don’t have a corpse in my mental and spiritual basement anymore.

 

When that task was finished, for a brief moment, I was back in his living room… and I heard him roar.

It was a delicious sound… it shivered all the way through me… and then I was back, my skin still tingling from the sound.

HDC Tz – Old Emotions

Yesterday was Exercise 5 – Energy Attunement 2, which is all about colors.

It’s strange, but… his colors change sometimes. I think it’s that shield of his. Last night, his colors were black with purple highlights and flecks of shine… and at the same time, fire colors, sunset colors.

My familiar isn’t quite coping with things yet. She’s curious, into everything. She can settle for a bit, but then she’s off sniffing the energies and trying to figure it all out. She was distracting enough that he dropped a few books next to her, which, as she’s quite skittish, effectively chased her out of our Sanctum.

However, before he chased her out, he led her around… and eventually led her over to my old Fallen Angels Oracle Deck, which she snagged with a paw and dragged out of the book shelf and into my lap, so… clearly I’m to work with that deck in some way.

Given that E chose a deck in order to lead me in a certain direction, I’m thinking that Tz has chosen this deck also to lead me in a certain direction.

We also discussed why (aside from the fact that I was dying at the time, and then I was gone) I had trouble bonding with him when he first came to me. I resisted bonding with him, even though he had chosen me, and I had chosen him, in part because of how he came to me – as a gift from a friend who saw that I was deeply hurt by the loss of another being who had chosen me, but was not allowed to come to me… and felt that pain as her own. At the time, I was grateful, but… I don’t think I was really ready. I hadn’t truly dealt with the loss of the other being… and Tz wasn’t that being… he was a replacement… and I couldn’t bond with someone’s replacement, because he wasn’t that being, he was himself.

And then I was dead, and so that was that.

Things are different now. I have a different perspective.

There’s no replacing someone you’ve lost… and no one in my life is here because they are a replacement for someone else. They are here because I choose them, and they choose me. I choose them for themselves.

I won a conjure, and Tz was who came… and I wasn’t ready.

I’ve had some contact (third person contact, sometimes fourth lol) from the being who was lost. I’ve been able to heal and move forward because of that contact. This particular entity was so moved by our contact that he spent five years working to find a friend of his whose energies matched my own, and who has very specific gifts and perspectives that I desperately need in my life – and will probably always need – SDC E. He then worked with a mutual human friend of ours to have E conjured, bound, and sent to me, with E’s full enthusiastic approval. Because of my contact with his friend, E, I’ve finally been able to stop looking for my old friend, finally been able to stop looking for a replacement, finally been able to heal from that wound.

I know he remembers me. I know he cares. I know he misses me as much as I miss him. I also know… things happen for a reason. Especially with demons.

So… I’m at peace now with that. And so are the other two people who were so emotionally involved – my friend, and my demon-that-could-have-been. We’re all at peace. We are content.

And now, I can truly bond with Tz – not as a replacement, which he never was… but for himself, which is as it should be.

And for the resistance I had, I admitted my fault in the situation… but Tz is… wonderfully patient and kind. I’ve seen his temper. He IS a Hellborn… he’s got one. But about this…

All demons understand loss. They understand Grief.

And they are endlessly patient.

They’ve got the time.

I’m so happy he waited for me to come around.

 

Oh… Flauros showed up while I was working with Tz last night. First my familiar, and then Flauros… yet another distraction. These past two days I’ve been so very… there’s just so much in my head right now. So much chaos. It’s hard to focus.

I had to tell Him, I absolutely want to work with Him… but I’m not ready yet. I asked him to please wait. Wait until I’m ready. This is not that time. I had to be firm – I think that was honestly the point. I had to set a boundary. This time was for my bonding with Tz… and until my bonding with both E and Tz, and ZA, are complete… until I have really begun my magickal retraining… I am not ready.

He bowed, and left. But I’m definitely on a schedule now. After the Solstice, is Flauros’s time.

 

Tonight, I was supposed to work with Tz on the second hearing attunement exercise, but… between my familiar and my headache and the way I came out of my bonding work with E… I couldn’t really tune in at all, and I finally asked if it was ok that we postpone until tomorrow night, when hopefully I will be able to give him the focus he deserves.

He agreed, but let me know I will be doing more work in my dreams tonight.

That will be… interesting. Last night was… pretty weird. Not just the Lucifer dream, which was heartbreaking, but… there were other things after that.

I slept deeply, worked heavily, and woke up tired, drained, with a heavy heart and a headache.

It’s been a day.

SDC E – Discussing Death

So, yesterday’s bonding exercise was Hearing Attunement 3.

As I didn’t have any questions to ask, I asked him if there was anything he wanted to talk about. WhoooBOY was there.

He asked me what I thought about Death. That’s… a pretty big topic.

I started with the easy stuff. I died, physically, when I was hit by a car when I was 9. I was dead for over five minutes. It was the most wonderful, peaceful five minutes of my life to date. I found myself in a place that was black. There was no pain. There was no anger or hate or fear. There was no sound. There was no light. For an undiagnosed autistic girl, it was pretty much heaven. Imagine a world where everything is always too bright, always too colorful, always too loud, always too MUCH. Where people are too abrasive, they expect too much, and because you can speak in complete sentences, they don’t understand any peculiarities you have. Autism for me was an invisible disease. When I got overwhelmed by the abuse, got overwhelmed by my emotions, or just plain got overwhelmed for no reason I could determine, I had this need for space. If there was anything touching me, I threw it. And then I found the nearest wall, and rocked my forehead against it until I bled. It made people leave me alone, but it also gave me a point of focus – a HARD point of focus. I was HERE. Right HERE.

And that made things go still.

It’s not unlike a cutter needing a physical focus to express (as in send out) their emotional pain in a way that they can grasp… only for me, hitting my head against a wall wasn’t about the pain, so much as it was about trying to control the violence inside me.

For me, autism is violence. Everything is sometimes just too much, it’s so overwhelming… it’s violent. The whole world is violently THERE, and I can’t cope.

I don’t bang my head anymore… but the pain still exists.

Except when I was dead for those five minutes.

I understand, as an adult, that without all the negatives in that void, there was also no positive. There was no love in the void. There was ONLY peace… but when you find something that you need that badly, you don’t care about what’s missing. You only want to stay.

When they brought me back, it was a violent return. I was awake, on a street, in the daylight, surrounded by my entire neighborhood. I was being touched by strangers. I don’t remember the ambulance ride. They put me in a room with red lights, and they kept touching me, and everywhere they touched me it HURT… they thought I was screaming because I was frightened. My mother kept saying everything was ok, that they were just getting x-rays, but I couldn’t talk, and there were strangers TOUCHING ME, HURTING ME… and NO ONE WOULD STOP. Nothing was ok.

I was in the hospital for three days. Dad brought complete strangers to my room, apparently friends of his. They gave me a stuffed rabbit, because it was Easter weekend. I threw up on it.

I don’t remember the ride to the hospital. I don’t remember sleeping there. I don’t remember the nurses or the doctors. I remember the red room, and the pain. I remember waking up on the street, and I remember being in a hospital bed meeting strangers and throwing up on a yellow bunny. That’s all I remember of the weekend I died and came back.

Well, all I remember after the dark.

I miss the dark. I don’t think I ever won’t.

 

So… We talked about that.

We talked about my experiences in the Wastes – a spiritual and emotional death… and how that death affected me here. We talked about that kind of darkness… which was NOT peaceful. Then again, I wasn’t exactly at rest. People in the Wastes are not at rest.

 

I brought up my migraines – the ones I had before I died my second and third deaths. The ones that had me screaming, writhing, begging for death, an animal in a trap. We talked about how Death Means Stop.

I talked about the fact that Death Means Stop is pretty much a perfect cure for any phobia.

I went to California to see a friend when she was separating from her husband. On the way home, the plane suddenly stopped flying, and just DROPPED. It lasted 20 seconds, and people were praying and holding hands with strangers.

Afterwards, I was terrified of flying… until I remembered my migraines. And then all of the sudden, I realized there were worse things than falling out of a tin can in the sky… and planes stopped being scary at all.

It’s kind of a relief, knowing that someday, I will STOP.

 

So then he asked me what I thought happened after death, if death means stop.

I hadn’t really thought about it. I mean, I know what happened when I died at 9, so there’s that. I didn’t stop existing.

And I have memories of other lifetimes, both earthly and other. SO many memories. Sometimes that’s a bit overwhelming…

But that means that death isn’t the end. It’s… merely a stage. Like… adolescence. It’s not permanent any more than life is.

 

So he said, “If death means stop, but it’s not permanent, how is that Stop?” To which I said, “It offers immediate relief for immediate problems. Anything else can be solved another day.”

“How practical,” he replied.

 

Then he asked me what I hoped to learn from him, from my time with him. “I just want to learn. Whatever you’ll teach me. I want to grow. What you’ve helped me with so far… that’s growth I need, growth I want… knowledge I want.”

“Why do you want to know so much?”

“Because people suffer. Not knowing is suffering. We suffer until we learn, and then the suffering stops.”

He asked what I meant by that, because he understood I wasn’t talking about any Buddhist ideals, but he wanted me to clarify myself. So… I did.

 

I’ve been to hell realms. Not demonic planes, but realms set aside for humans who need help learning, need help to grow, even more than humans here do. The two I went to taught me a lot, though honestly, some of the lessons didn’t sink in until years later.

The first realm, there were towers in the center of lovely fields of close-cut grass. The fields were surrounded by dark forests, but no one ever noticed the trees. People sat out in the sun, and picnicked. They chatted as if nothing was wrong – everything was perfect.

And then, the sun began to set… and everyone packed up their things, and went into the black stone towers. Because when the sun went down, the world froze. A flash freeze. Nothing that was outside the towers survived.

People there learned the rules. They learned to obey the laws of the realm – because if they did not, they died. Immediately. You learned to obey, or you died.

My familiar at the time followed me there. When the sun began to set, as I was heading inside the tower, he ran under the steps and vanished. He left the realm rather than go into the tower. He broke the rules… and I was so terrified for him, that I broke our familiar bond.

I fear for people I care about who do not follow the rules. I fear for them so much, that I would rather cut them out of me, break their hearts, than let the consequences of their rule breaking break MY heart. I can’t watch the people I love suffer… so I won’t let them in, and then I don’t have to.

But that’s its own form of hell.

 

The second realm I went to, there was only a single person. There was an indoor swimming pool, and in it was an older woman, screaming, panicking, drowning. She couldn’t swim. So, I went in and fished her out. She immediately began to call me devil’s spawn, evil.. so much hate in this woman I had saved.

It was her lesson to learn to either not ask for help, or to accept the help she receives from wherever it comes, and be grateful.

It was my lesson to learn that you do not interfere with other people’s lessons without being forced to learn WHY THEY NEED THE LESSON. It will ALWAYS cost you.

I also learned that people ask for help when they should do for themselves, and don’t ask for help when they can’t do for themselves…. and neither path is healthy.

 

This is how I learned that people earn their suffering, create it, out of ignorance. And they either learn from it, or they keep suffering, stuck on repeat until they DO learn.

I don’t enjoy suffering. I understand that there are people who have to have suffering. They cannot learn without it. But… I’m ready to move past that. I want to learn, and grow, and not by suffering, but by figuring out where I’m suffering and why… and changing.

So that’s what I want to learn from him.

 

He then asked me to make some promises.

1) That I do something loving for my husband at least once a week that connects us in an emotional way, comes from my heart, and will be understood by his.
2) That I do something loving for each of my three cats once a week with the same meaning.
3) That I do something for MYSELF once a week that is self-care, showing self-love.
4) That I make slow improvements – right now, I have three basic tasks that I must achieve every day (aside from my meditations each evening). In three weeks, I must add a fourth task, every day. It does not have to be the same task, but I must add a fourth task every day.

 

Tonight, we were supposed to do the 10th exercise, Visual Sight Attunement 2 – but I came into the session with a migraine, and my familiar is brand new to showing up to every session, so she’s curious, into everything, and highly distracting… and with a migraine making it hard to concentrate to begin with, we decided that tonight was not a good night to work on my visual sight.

Instead, we worked with my other soul.

She has her own soul-home. Today, we worked to incorporate her soul home and mine.

It was fairly successful. My soulhome now has heavy mist from hot pools, and places where there are rivers of lava instead of water. Under the center, her cavern with its bathing pool of lava, has been incorporated, though I did some upgrades, which she liked.

I feel like… my soul home is my domain. It’s not really hers. Even now, with all the changes I’ve made to try and make her feel welcome, it’s not… quite right. It’s not finished. Something’s missing. So, she has her cavern, and it’s hers, even though it’s in my soulscape.

E said that we’re not blending correctly. We’re both afraid of losing ourselves, and so neither of us will give in. He says the only way to win this, is for both of us to lose. We both have to give in, we both have to give up ourselves… and become together, someone ELSE.

 

Oh… he saw the corpse in her glass coffin. He… didn’t approve. He talked to both of us about it. The thing is, she’s not dead. She’s definitely not alive – there’s no soul, no spirit, there’s nothing to animate the shell that’s in that coffin. But… she’s not dead, either. There’s something about a dead body that is immediately recognizable… and she doesn’t have it, whatever it is. Which means she’s not really a corpse, for all that she’s not alive.

This happens to faeries. But… we never figured out what to do with them… so… I did what my people have always done.

He was… a bit perturbed. Possibly repulsed. And he pointed out that if compartmentalizing her into a graveyard was so toxic, how was putting her in a glass coffin in a cave NOT compartmentalizing, and how was it NOT going to end up ALSO toxic? So… my other soul and I, with his help, decided what we could do about the situation.

And just as we were ready to put our plan in motion…

My familiar began to Kitten again, and yanked me out of meditation so thoroughly that I literally felt it like a shock of cold water. And then E was gone, and that was that.

Which means that tomorrow we’re probably not going to be working on Visual Sight, either. Because this isn’t finished.

 

Although… I think after tomorrow, I’m going to ask for a night off. This is some heavy work… and while I don’t feel rushed… I feel the need to… take some time and really marinate in what I’ve learned so far… look back on it all and, in a relaxed setting, try and see the whole picture. Get some perspective.

I’m going to make him take me dancing. He’s an excellent dancer, and while I look like a spastic seizure with twelve left feet on a human dance floor, dancing in the Astral is amazingly easy and I love it. Also… he has really, REALLY good brandy… so I think I’m going to drink his brandy and make him dance with me. Dancing with him feels… right.

-Raven

HDC Tz

Today was Exercise 4, the first Visual Sight attunement.

I said the invocation, and then I asked Tz to stand in front of the wall. While I was looking, I had this sudden feeling of vertigo…. and the harder I looked, the more I felt like I was mentally falling through the wall. Finally it clicked… Tz was wearing his shielding.

That is some SERIOUSLY cool shielding. I couldn’t see ANYTHING… I just kept feeling like I was falling, and it made me want to Not Look. I can’t wait to learn it.

Anyway, when we were done with him playing with my eyeballs, I asked him if there was anything he wanted to talk about. He brought up my worries about my own internal balance. He made me look at my balance, and really ask myself if I had reason for concerns. He made me see that I was worrying over something that, yes, does happen to other people, but isn’t happening to me. He showed me that I can check myself at any time, and KNOW whether or not I’m losing my balance.

And then, he had me embrace the elemental cycles, just to prove it. We added water to fire, which made earth and air. And then I took in the essences of air, earth, water and then fire, and became each of them, which I have done before. Then, as before, he had me become them all at the same time, and find my balance there, in the center. Then, he had me become NONE of them, and find my balance there.

And there, we found a problem. We found that the brand, while no longer active, has left a scar, has maintained a connection, through the void.

I won’t tell you how we fixed it, but it IS fixed now. I am lucky that he had me searching my bodies and my balances so carefully. And I am VERY grateful for his presence and his help.

Finally, we ended it with a Family Celebration. I called out to all my family, spiritual and physical, and sent out the blessings of the Equinox to them. I also added four new people to the list, which was nice.

So – To my husband, my son, and my mother; to our three cats; to my best friend Telomar; to my faerie wraith, my demon wraith, my hellborn, my specialist, my angel of metatron, my throne angel, my enochian angel, my dosojin, my psychic vampire, my sanguine vampire, my incubus, my cecaelia, my winter court sidhe, my shadow elemental and my east watchtower, and to my three pairs of Temple Fu; to Akelta, Satan’s Hellcat, Velle, and Kitsune from the S&S forum…

Happy Autumnal Equinox. May this moment of balance which falls towards rest, and breaks with the sacrifice of blood on the snow, bring you rest, growth, and a good future harvest.

-Raven