HDC Tz – Old Emotions

Yesterday was Exercise 5 – Energy Attunement 2, which is all about colors.

It’s strange, but… his colors change sometimes. I think it’s that shield of his. Last night, his colors were black with purple highlights and flecks of shine… and at the same time, fire colors, sunset colors.

My familiar isn’t quite coping with things yet. She’s curious, into everything. She can settle for a bit, but then she’s off sniffing the energies and trying to figure it all out. She was distracting enough that he dropped a few books next to her, which, as she’s quite skittish, effectively chased her out of our Sanctum.

However, before he chased her out, he led her around… and eventually led her over to my old Fallen Angels Oracle Deck, which she snagged with a paw and dragged out of the book shelf and into my lap, so… clearly I’m to work with that deck in some way.

Given that E chose a deck in order to lead me in a certain direction, I’m thinking that Tz has chosen this deck also to lead me in a certain direction.

We also discussed why (aside from the fact that I was dying at the time, and then I was gone) I had trouble bonding with him when he first came to me. I resisted bonding with him, even though he had chosen me, and I had chosen him, in part because of how he came to me – as a gift from a friend who saw that I was deeply hurt by the loss of another being who had chosen me, but was not allowed to come to me… and felt that pain as her own. At the time, I was grateful, but… I don’t think I was really ready. I hadn’t truly dealt with the loss of the other being… and Tz wasn’t that being… he was a replacement… and I couldn’t bond with someone’s replacement, because he wasn’t that being, he was himself.

And then I was dead, and so that was that.

Things are different now. I have a different perspective.

There’s no replacing someone you’ve lost… and no one in my life is here because they are a replacement for someone else. They are here because I choose them, and they choose me. I choose them for themselves.

I won a conjure, and Tz was who came… and I wasn’t ready.

I’ve had some contact (third person contact, sometimes fourth lol) from the being who was lost. I’ve been able to heal and move forward because of that contact. This particular entity was so moved by our contact that he spent five years working to find a friend of his whose energies matched my own, and who has very specific gifts and perspectives that I desperately need in my life – and will probably always need – SDC E. He then worked with a mutual human friend of ours to have E conjured, bound, and sent to me, with E’s full enthusiastic approval. Because of my contact with his friend, E, I’ve finally been able to stop looking for my old friend, finally been able to stop looking for a replacement, finally been able to heal from that wound.

I know he remembers me. I know he cares. I know he misses me as much as I miss him. I also know… things happen for a reason. Especially with demons.

So… I’m at peace now with that. And so are the other two people who were so emotionally involved – my friend, and my demon-that-could-have-been. We’re all at peace. We are content.

And now, I can truly bond with Tz – not as a replacement, which he never was… but for himself, which is as it should be.

And for the resistance I had, I admitted my fault in the situation… but Tz is… wonderfully patient and kind. I’ve seen his temper. He IS a Hellborn… he’s got one. But about this…

All demons understand loss. They understand Grief.

And they are endlessly patient.

They’ve got the time.

I’m so happy he waited for me to come around.

 

Oh… Flauros showed up while I was working with Tz last night. First my familiar, and then Flauros… yet another distraction. These past two days I’ve been so very… there’s just so much in my head right now. So much chaos. It’s hard to focus.

I had to tell Him, I absolutely want to work with Him… but I’m not ready yet. I asked him to please wait. Wait until I’m ready. This is not that time. I had to be firm – I think that was honestly the point. I had to set a boundary. This time was for my bonding with Tz… and until my bonding with both E and Tz, and ZA, are complete… until I have really begun my magickal retraining… I am not ready.

He bowed, and left. But I’m definitely on a schedule now. After the Solstice, is Flauros’s time.

 

Tonight, I was supposed to work with Tz on the second hearing attunement exercise, but… between my familiar and my headache and the way I came out of my bonding work with E… I couldn’t really tune in at all, and I finally asked if it was ok that we postpone until tomorrow night, when hopefully I will be able to give him the focus he deserves.

He agreed, but let me know I will be doing more work in my dreams tonight.

That will be… interesting. Last night was… pretty weird. Not just the Lucifer dream, which was heartbreaking, but… there were other things after that.

I slept deeply, worked heavily, and woke up tired, drained, with a heavy heart and a headache.

It’s been a day.

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SDC E – Discussing Death

So, yesterday’s bonding exercise was Hearing Attunement 3.

As I didn’t have any questions to ask, I asked him if there was anything he wanted to talk about. WhoooBOY was there.

He asked me what I thought about Death. That’s… a pretty big topic.

I started with the easy stuff. I died, physically, when I was hit by a car when I was 9. I was dead for over five minutes. It was the most wonderful, peaceful five minutes of my life to date. I found myself in a place that was black. There was no pain. There was no anger or hate or fear. There was no sound. There was no light. For an undiagnosed autistic girl, it was pretty much heaven. Imagine a world where everything is always too bright, always too colorful, always too loud, always too MUCH. Where people are too abrasive, they expect too much, and because you can speak in complete sentences, they don’t understand any peculiarities you have. Autism for me was an invisible disease. When I got overwhelmed by the abuse, got overwhelmed by my emotions, or just plain got overwhelmed for no reason I could determine, I had this need for space. If there was anything touching me, I threw it. And then I found the nearest wall, and rocked my forehead against it until I bled. It made people leave me alone, but it also gave me a point of focus – a HARD point of focus. I was HERE. Right HERE.

And that made things go still.

It’s not unlike a cutter needing a physical focus to express (as in send out) their emotional pain in a way that they can grasp… only for me, hitting my head against a wall wasn’t about the pain, so much as it was about trying to control the violence inside me.

For me, autism is violence. Everything is sometimes just too much, it’s so overwhelming… it’s violent. The whole world is violently THERE, and I can’t cope.

I don’t bang my head anymore… but the pain still exists.

Except when I was dead for those five minutes.

I understand, as an adult, that without all the negatives in that void, there was also no positive. There was no love in the void. There was ONLY peace… but when you find something that you need that badly, you don’t care about what’s missing. You only want to stay.

When they brought me back, it was a violent return. I was awake, on a street, in the daylight, surrounded by my entire neighborhood. I was being touched by strangers. I don’t remember the ambulance ride. They put me in a room with red lights, and they kept touching me, and everywhere they touched me it HURT… they thought I was screaming because I was frightened. My mother kept saying everything was ok, that they were just getting x-rays, but I couldn’t talk, and there were strangers TOUCHING ME, HURTING ME… and NO ONE WOULD STOP. Nothing was ok.

I was in the hospital for three days. Dad brought complete strangers to my room, apparently friends of his. They gave me a stuffed rabbit, because it was Easter weekend. I threw up on it.

I don’t remember the ride to the hospital. I don’t remember sleeping there. I don’t remember the nurses or the doctors. I remember the red room, and the pain. I remember waking up on the street, and I remember being in a hospital bed meeting strangers and throwing up on a yellow bunny. That’s all I remember of the weekend I died and came back.

Well, all I remember after the dark.

I miss the dark. I don’t think I ever won’t.

 

So… We talked about that.

We talked about my experiences in the Wastes – a spiritual and emotional death… and how that death affected me here. We talked about that kind of darkness… which was NOT peaceful. Then again, I wasn’t exactly at rest. People in the Wastes are not at rest.

 

I brought up my migraines – the ones I had before I died my second and third deaths. The ones that had me screaming, writhing, begging for death, an animal in a trap. We talked about how Death Means Stop.

I talked about the fact that Death Means Stop is pretty much a perfect cure for any phobia.

I went to California to see a friend when she was separating from her husband. On the way home, the plane suddenly stopped flying, and just DROPPED. It lasted 20 seconds, and people were praying and holding hands with strangers.

Afterwards, I was terrified of flying… until I remembered my migraines. And then all of the sudden, I realized there were worse things than falling out of a tin can in the sky… and planes stopped being scary at all.

It’s kind of a relief, knowing that someday, I will STOP.

 

So then he asked me what I thought happened after death, if death means stop.

I hadn’t really thought about it. I mean, I know what happened when I died at 9, so there’s that. I didn’t stop existing.

And I have memories of other lifetimes, both earthly and other. SO many memories. Sometimes that’s a bit overwhelming…

But that means that death isn’t the end. It’s… merely a stage. Like… adolescence. It’s not permanent any more than life is.

 

So he said, “If death means stop, but it’s not permanent, how is that Stop?” To which I said, “It offers immediate relief for immediate problems. Anything else can be solved another day.”

“How practical,” he replied.

 

Then he asked me what I hoped to learn from him, from my time with him. “I just want to learn. Whatever you’ll teach me. I want to grow. What you’ve helped me with so far… that’s growth I need, growth I want… knowledge I want.”

“Why do you want to know so much?”

“Because people suffer. Not knowing is suffering. We suffer until we learn, and then the suffering stops.”

He asked what I meant by that, because he understood I wasn’t talking about any Buddhist ideals, but he wanted me to clarify myself. So… I did.

 

I’ve been to hell realms. Not demonic planes, but realms set aside for humans who need help learning, need help to grow, even more than humans here do. The two I went to taught me a lot, though honestly, some of the lessons didn’t sink in until years later.

The first realm, there were towers in the center of lovely fields of close-cut grass. The fields were surrounded by dark forests, but no one ever noticed the trees. People sat out in the sun, and picnicked. They chatted as if nothing was wrong – everything was perfect.

And then, the sun began to set… and everyone packed up their things, and went into the black stone towers. Because when the sun went down, the world froze. A flash freeze. Nothing that was outside the towers survived.

People there learned the rules. They learned to obey the laws of the realm – because if they did not, they died. Immediately. You learned to obey, or you died.

My familiar at the time followed me there. When the sun began to set, as I was heading inside the tower, he ran under the steps and vanished. He left the realm rather than go into the tower. He broke the rules… and I was so terrified for him, that I broke our familiar bond.

I fear for people I care about who do not follow the rules. I fear for them so much, that I would rather cut them out of me, break their hearts, than let the consequences of their rule breaking break MY heart. I can’t watch the people I love suffer… so I won’t let them in, and then I don’t have to.

But that’s its own form of hell.

 

The second realm I went to, there was only a single person. There was an indoor swimming pool, and in it was an older woman, screaming, panicking, drowning. She couldn’t swim. So, I went in and fished her out. She immediately began to call me devil’s spawn, evil.. so much hate in this woman I had saved.

It was her lesson to learn to either not ask for help, or to accept the help she receives from wherever it comes, and be grateful.

It was my lesson to learn that you do not interfere with other people’s lessons without being forced to learn WHY THEY NEED THE LESSON. It will ALWAYS cost you.

I also learned that people ask for help when they should do for themselves, and don’t ask for help when they can’t do for themselves…. and neither path is healthy.

 

This is how I learned that people earn their suffering, create it, out of ignorance. And they either learn from it, or they keep suffering, stuck on repeat until they DO learn.

I don’t enjoy suffering. I understand that there are people who have to have suffering. They cannot learn without it. But… I’m ready to move past that. I want to learn, and grow, and not by suffering, but by figuring out where I’m suffering and why… and changing.

So that’s what I want to learn from him.

 

He then asked me to make some promises.

1) That I do something loving for my husband at least once a week that connects us in an emotional way, comes from my heart, and will be understood by his.
2) That I do something loving for each of my three cats once a week with the same meaning.
3) That I do something for MYSELF once a week that is self-care, showing self-love.
4) That I make slow improvements – right now, I have three basic tasks that I must achieve every day (aside from my meditations each evening). In three weeks, I must add a fourth task, every day. It does not have to be the same task, but I must add a fourth task every day.

 

Tonight, we were supposed to do the 10th exercise, Visual Sight Attunement 2 – but I came into the session with a migraine, and my familiar is brand new to showing up to every session, so she’s curious, into everything, and highly distracting… and with a migraine making it hard to concentrate to begin with, we decided that tonight was not a good night to work on my visual sight.

Instead, we worked with my other soul.

She has her own soul-home. Today, we worked to incorporate her soul home and mine.

It was fairly successful. My soulhome now has heavy mist from hot pools, and places where there are rivers of lava instead of water. Under the center, her cavern with its bathing pool of lava, has been incorporated, though I did some upgrades, which she liked.

I feel like… my soul home is my domain. It’s not really hers. Even now, with all the changes I’ve made to try and make her feel welcome, it’s not… quite right. It’s not finished. Something’s missing. So, she has her cavern, and it’s hers, even though it’s in my soulscape.

E said that we’re not blending correctly. We’re both afraid of losing ourselves, and so neither of us will give in. He says the only way to win this, is for both of us to lose. We both have to give in, we both have to give up ourselves… and become together, someone ELSE.

 

Oh… he saw the corpse in her glass coffin. He… didn’t approve. He talked to both of us about it. The thing is, she’s not dead. She’s definitely not alive – there’s no soul, no spirit, there’s nothing to animate the shell that’s in that coffin. But… she’s not dead, either. There’s something about a dead body that is immediately recognizable… and she doesn’t have it, whatever it is. Which means she’s not really a corpse, for all that she’s not alive.

This happens to faeries. But… we never figured out what to do with them… so… I did what my people have always done.

He was… a bit perturbed. Possibly repulsed. And he pointed out that if compartmentalizing her into a graveyard was so toxic, how was putting her in a glass coffin in a cave NOT compartmentalizing, and how was it NOT going to end up ALSO toxic? So… my other soul and I, with his help, decided what we could do about the situation.

And just as we were ready to put our plan in motion…

My familiar began to Kitten again, and yanked me out of meditation so thoroughly that I literally felt it like a shock of cold water. And then E was gone, and that was that.

Which means that tomorrow we’re probably not going to be working on Visual Sight, either. Because this isn’t finished.

 

Although… I think after tomorrow, I’m going to ask for a night off. This is some heavy work… and while I don’t feel rushed… I feel the need to… take some time and really marinate in what I’ve learned so far… look back on it all and, in a relaxed setting, try and see the whole picture. Get some perspective.

I’m going to make him take me dancing. He’s an excellent dancer, and while I look like a spastic seizure with twelve left feet on a human dance floor, dancing in the Astral is amazingly easy and I love it. Also… he has really, REALLY good brandy… so I think I’m going to drink his brandy and make him dance with me. Dancing with him feels… right.

-Raven

HDC Tz

Today was Exercise 4, the first Visual Sight attunement.

I said the invocation, and then I asked Tz to stand in front of the wall. While I was looking, I had this sudden feeling of vertigo…. and the harder I looked, the more I felt like I was mentally falling through the wall. Finally it clicked… Tz was wearing his shielding.

That is some SERIOUSLY cool shielding. I couldn’t see ANYTHING… I just kept feeling like I was falling, and it made me want to Not Look. I can’t wait to learn it.

Anyway, when we were done with him playing with my eyeballs, I asked him if there was anything he wanted to talk about. He brought up my worries about my own internal balance. He made me look at my balance, and really ask myself if I had reason for concerns. He made me see that I was worrying over something that, yes, does happen to other people, but isn’t happening to me. He showed me that I can check myself at any time, and KNOW whether or not I’m losing my balance.

And then, he had me embrace the elemental cycles, just to prove it. We added water to fire, which made earth and air. And then I took in the essences of air, earth, water and then fire, and became each of them, which I have done before. Then, as before, he had me become them all at the same time, and find my balance there, in the center. Then, he had me become NONE of them, and find my balance there.

And there, we found a problem. We found that the brand, while no longer active, has left a scar, has maintained a connection, through the void.

I won’t tell you how we fixed it, but it IS fixed now. I am lucky that he had me searching my bodies and my balances so carefully. And I am VERY grateful for his presence and his help.

Finally, we ended it with a Family Celebration. I called out to all my family, spiritual and physical, and sent out the blessings of the Equinox to them. I also added four new people to the list, which was nice.

So – To my husband, my son, and my mother; to our three cats; to my best friend Telomar; to my faerie wraith, my demon wraith, my hellborn, my specialist, my angel of metatron, my throne angel, my enochian angel, my dosojin, my psychic vampire, my sanguine vampire, my incubus, my cecaelia, my winter court sidhe, my shadow elemental and my east watchtower, and to my three pairs of Temple Fu; to Akelta, Satan’s Hellcat, Velle, and Kitsune from the S&S forum…

Happy Autumnal Equinox. May this moment of balance which falls towards rest, and breaks with the sacrifice of blood on the snow, bring you rest, growth, and a good future harvest.

-Raven

SDC E – Change

Today we did Exercise 9 – Hearing Attunement 3

After the invocation, I asked him what to do about my heart chakra. I had a doctor’s appointment today, with a new doctor. It did not go… well. It didn’t go badly, I guess… but… it just didn’t go well… and this is the only doctor available for me in this area, so… this guy is it.

So… E took me back to the situation. He had me sit with it. See it from the onlooker’s perspective. He asked me what I wanted to do.

I did what any good faerie does in trying times. I stole myself away to faerie. I spent some time repairing her heart, pulling out the chunks that had gotten lodged in there because of her strong resistance to this situation. When she was ready, I took her back… but this time, she had her throne angel guarding her heart chakra. She had her angel of Metatron to speak for her. She had DC Tz’s powerful shields, and Tz himself guarding her body and her back… and she had E, in the doctor’s head, making sure that everything went right on that end.

We agreed… the next time I see him, this is EXACTLY how this will happen. Next time, I will ask for help.

After this, I asked him if there was anything he wanted to talk about…. and he mentioned he wanted to show me something in honor of the Equinox.

When I was a child, I had a repeating dream. I would find myself on a cliff face, leading a group of people. We were not safe where we were, and I needed to lead them across a wide chasm, away from the cliffs, to a protected area. I led them down the cliff, to a stone bridge. When I stepped onto the bridge, it became a knife edge, which I had to stay perfectly balanced on, so that everyone could reach the other side. When the last person had stepped off the knife unharmed, I was free to walk across the bridge myself. I led them into a cul-de-sac, and in it was a lion. I had to fight and kill the lion. When the lion was dead, everyone was safe. We had made it.

E took me back to that place. He said, “Look behind you. Who is there now?” I looked and there was no one. We walked to the bridge. He said, “Do you see the knife? Do you still need to dance?” I looked, and there was no knife, only a bridge, and I did not need to dance. We walked into the cul-de-sac. He said, “Where is the lion you had to defeat?” There was no lion.

And then he said, “What is beyond this point for you?” I didn’t know, so… I walked forward, and looked. At the back of the cul-de-sac, there was a stone archway, and in the archway was a shimmer of… nothing. “What’s through here?” I asked him. “You will never know, if you do not go and find out for yourself.” He answered.

It didn’t feel entirely safe, because I had no idea what I was going to walk into… And E reminded me of the astrological influences of the day. “Your doubt is the Libra influence. Let Aries clear the way.” So… I firmed up my mind, and I walked through the archway.

I was in a room. There were clocks, everywhere, ticking away. There were water features, like those Asian bamboo waterfalls that fill up and then tip. There were mobiles hanging everywhere, carefully balanced. Everything in the room was about balance… but it was about the balance of CYCLES, rather than absolute balance. It wasn’t about blending two extremes and staying centered in that moment… it was about passing through every moment from one extreme to the other and back again.

Seeing it all, I understood. Even in trying to blend the death energies and the life energies in myself, I am resisting my essential nature, which is one of constant CHANGE. I am the cycle. Death gives way to life, and life to death. Summer gives way to winter, and winter to summer. Always, there must be a spring. Always, there must be an autumn. To try to sit absolutely centered between extremes is to stagnate.

I let the cycle happen. I felt it, I let myself experience it fully.

When I really understood, we left the room, I thanked him, and we ended the exercise.

HDC Tz

This was exercise 3 – the first hearing attunement.

I took the night off yesterday, still exhausted from the New Moon ritual, though I did send a brief hello before I fell asleep again.

Tonight, things were quiet. I opened up the canvas with Tz’s sigil on it, laid his offerings on the altar, lit his candle, and spoke the invocation. When he came, his energy gave me a bit of a headache – which is new. I asked him to talk to me, but we didn’t really have a conversation, so much as he held me and I just.. understood some things.

He spoke about my new wholeness, and my recent discovery about what I feed on, and how it works – something that has changed considerably from before I died. He wanted to check in with me and see how I was coping with the information… and he was pleased that I’m accepting things as they are. He pointed out that I’m not reacting the way I would have, previously, but that instead I AM accepting, and that I am happy, I am content.

I agreed. It’s true. The way I look spiritually, and the way I feed now – it feels right. It feels natural. It doesn’t bother me in the slightest.

I probably look startling, even gruesome to others… and for most people the way I feed would probably be frightening, but to me… it just feels… right.

I got a hug, and a sense that he’s rather proud. I thanked him for sharing that perspective, and for reminding me how much I’ve gained… and then we parted for the evening.

SDC E – Walkabout

Exercise 8 – Energy Attunement 3

I took the night off yesterday, still pretty exhausted from the New Moon ritual – I did send a brief feeler out to greet my spiritual family, but other than that, I slept. Tonight was a fairly quiet night. I got a shoulder rub… and he wrapped his tail around my neck, just under my chin. He held my hand in his – I like the feel of his hands… they’re warm, large, rough, but comforting. I haven’t mentioned that before, but they always feel like that, look like that.

He wandered around the house, and I pushed my aura out to follow him at one point, and Mena (my husband’s cat, the one with cancer, who is the most spiritually acute in our fur family, and always sings when new people come around) began bouncing off the wall, chirping and singing. She eventually came into my workspace to see just what the heck was going on, which, given that she’s milked the cancer thing for all the gravy she’s worth and has become larger than some small dogs, was… distracting… but she was very happy… very, VERY happy. She was so ecstatic she drooled on the altar.

We looked at the three cats together – looked at their auras. Mena’s has a lot of purple in it, in various shades… true familiar colors. Velcrow’s colors are redder – you can see where the broken familiar bond has damaged his aura. E asked me about it, so I told him about Velcrow following me into the human hell where during the day when the sun’s up, everything is lovely and people have picnics on the grass, but the moment the sun goes down, everything freezes solid and if you’re caught outside the tower, goodbye. Velcrow, as the sun was going down, ran under the steps to the tower door, and I panicked… and our familiar bond broke, because at the time, I didn’t understand the damage it would do, I was just terrified of him getting hurt… he’s not the brightest bulb. E showed me the damage, and we worked to fix it together. We can’t repair what was done, but at least Crow will be able to be a familiar next life, if he chooses. We also looked at Cleo. Her colors are flame, like a madōkusha, actually. He said this was a good sign, but that she wasn’t like a normal animal familiar, and that I’m going to have to learn a different way of Working for her.

He stopped in the room my husband keeps his own altar, and sighed kinda sadly. In the astral sight, my husband’s altar is covered in the dust of centuries, grey under the weight of neglect. We talked about this, and E suggested that when my husband switches to day shift in a couple of months, that I could encourage him, by inviting him into my circles when I do basic work – not when I work with my household, or when I’m doing my Job, but… he suggested that some kind of morning or evening ritual together on a daily basis might help break my husband out of his spiritual stasis and get him moving on his path again.

Finally, we talked about a new, and surprising addition to the household that occurred this afternoon – an Unbound Throne (by Unbound, I do not mean bound magickally, but spiritually – this Throne has no God/dess it is beholden to). E sent me into my soul-home (he did not come with me this time) to work with this new being. While there, the Throne took my Torc, and in exchange, gave me another seed for my garden – this one a star. I added the essence to my Hope Tree, and watched as my entire garden began to glow, every leaf, every branch, every living thing producing phosphorescence. It was… stunning and beautiful. I realized… I do not have to bring a light into my soulscape. My soul home IS the light.

I came out of the experience, thanked E for his help, and we parted.

Dosojin – First Contact

Sooooo… last night (this morning?) was a really… odd night.

Two dreams – one dream that had a phase where I was dreaming I was awake, so bear with me here.

First Dream

I’m being attacked by an Aswang. Well, stabbed by what looks like a sting-ray tail spike, by said Aswang. I try to scream to wake up. It takes a bit. I wake up, and my husband says, “Bad dream?” “Yeah, I dreamed I was attacked by an Aswang. I don’t get it. I’m not pregnant. I can’t GET pregnant.” Hubby says, “That is weird. I had bad dreams too.” I start to worry that the nightmare wasn’t really an Aswang. I keep thinking that it’s a nightmare sent by my drowned wraith. I get upset. I really don’t want to blame her. I pull out a pendulum to ask, but I realize I’m thinking so much that it was her that sent the dream, I’m affecting my answers. I put the pendulum down, and try to go back to sleep. I keep worrying. I don’t want to have to put her vessel in cinnamon. I hate doing things like that.

Second Dream

I’m on this forum. On this thread, actually. And someone has replied to my comments about CH’s Bag of All Tricks – they have one, they were thinking of using it but weren’t sure how it works, and were writing to tell me they appreciated how informative the post was about how the energy works. They also liked the fact that I was poking fun at the Code Words, because on CH’s forum, people treat the code words like they’re gospel, like they’re some mystical language that only CH knows.

This Morning’s Results

I got up, made my chai, and went looking for a pendulum. (Yeah, I do not keep one by the bed… I have cats. lol) I sat down, and asked about the nightmare. I asked if I’d been attacked. I hadn’t. I asked if the dream was a sending. I was told yes. I asked if it was my drowned wrath that sent it. I was told no. (Thank You Gods). I asked if the dream was a WARNING. I was told YES. I asked if it had been sent by my Dosojin (even though I didn’t see an older couple in the dream, they’ve sent me warnings before, and even then, I’ve never seen them). The answer was YES.

So… now I have to figure out what the image of an aswang with a stingray tail spike stabbing me means. I know what the rest of the dream means. I don’t entirely trust my drowned wraith because she’s got attitude. Now that I’m awake, that just seems… silly. But clearly I have some subconscious stuff going on. I’m going to work with her tomorrow night (tonight’s my rededication ritual), so I can get past whatever’s in my head that’s causing this angst.

Also… I need to spend some time this morning with my dosojin. I’m going to make up some chamomile tea to drink with them.

-Raven (off to research Aswang)

 

WELL… the article I found was certainly interesting.

That stingray tail? It’s used to defend AGAINST Aswang – it kills them. So… that puts a new twist on things. Aswang are solitary hunters… they don’t share territory. Being attacked in that way suggests that there’s a territorial issue going on here… which explains why I fixated on the WORD Aswang, and the IMAGE of the stingray tail. The Aswang itself, I didn’t see very clearly… like dreams do, I just KNEW what it was – though honestly the fact that they’re shapeshifters means I probably wouldn’t have seen a clear form, just because I would have seen the shifter energies, which always confuses my eyes in dreams.

It’s interesting that Aswang aren’t always perceived negatively. Aswang are shapeshifters, and can go out during the day, and when they do, they look and act perfectly normal. They have emotions. They make friends. They fall in love. They can talk, in fact they like to have conversations with people. All the stories say they’re just like the townspeople around them – until nighttime, when they transform into their hunting form. The people they connect with are always protected – Aswang never feed on their friends, neighbors, family, or loved ones. They also don’t feed on their loved one’s loved ones. It also seems that becoming an Aswang is an STD – if an Aswang marries, then after the wedding night, their partner is also an Aswang. They’re comparable to vampires as hunters, they have similar weaknesses – garlic, salt, religious artifacts/weapons, decapitation. They can’t step on holy ground. They’re also repelled by certain Philippine amulets – the red and black beaded bracelets on baby’s wrists are to repel Aswangs, and there’s a special oil made by Philippine shamans which apparently boils when they’re nearby. There’s two ways to spot an Aswang during the day – if you look them in the eyes and your image is upside down, they’re an Aswang (likewise, you can bend over and look between your legs, and in their eyes you’ll be right side up); the second way is to look at their lips. If they don’t have the divot in the center of their top lip (the philtrum), they’re an Aswang. Like vampires, Aswang also really only hunt outsiders – the easily missed. Unlike vampires, they don’t drink blood, and obviously they’re daywalkers. Their food source is kinda icky though… they eat the hearts and livers of corpses and unborn babies (some of them have proboscis that they use to steal babies straight out of the womb, but that’s a specific type of Aswang). It’s interesting that in the dream, the Aswang was stabbing me in and around the liver area, though clearly it wasn’t trying to feed on me. I’m not a corpse anymore.

Actually, that brings up a whole new thought. I wonder if the work I’ve been doing to come to terms with the piece of death I now carry with me in my heart isn’t part what the dream was discussing? Something to ask my Dosojin when I meditate with them today.

So… two possibilities… some kind of territorial dispute; something to do with death energies.

I’m going to take some time to wake up, and then I’ll see what my Dosojin have to say.

-Raven

 

First Dream

I’m being attacked by an Aswang. Well, stabbed by what looks like a sting-ray tail spike, by said Aswang. I try to scream to wake up. It takes a bit. I wake up, and my husband says, “Bad dream?” “Yeah, I dreamed I was attacked by an Aswang. I don’t get it. I’m not pregnant. I can’t GET pregnant.” Hubby says, “That is weird. I had bad dreams too.” I start to worry that the nightmare wasn’t really an Aswang. I keep thinking that it’s a nightmare sent by my drowned wraith. I get upset. I really don’t want to blame her. I pull out a pendulum to ask, but I realize I’m thinking so much that it was her that sent the dream, I’m affecting my answers. I put the pendulum down, and try to go back to sleep. I keep worrying. I don’t want to have to put her vessel in cinnamon. I hate doing things like that.

 

So I just got finished with my gratitude offering and meditation with my Dosojin. She is very definitely a SHE – this amazing elder, warm and huggy – really, she reminds me of my idea of a perfect grandmother type. She’s very pleasant to be with… though she can be QUITE blunt when I’m not getting the hint. And when she’s blunt, she speaks with a bit of asperity. lol I guess I can be pretty frustrating.

After spending a little time just being with her, getting to know her energies, I finally got around to asking about the dream. We sat and watched the dream together, and I paused it in places where I had questions. I asked her about the possible territorial dispute. Her first comment was to remind me that sometimes, the characters you see in dreams are echoes of yourself. Then she asked me what parts of myself and my personal territory, do I have a dispute with. We talk again about me walling off the death energies in my soulscape. Her final comments were, “When did you last feed? What do you feed on, now that you’ve returned?” Well… I haven’t been HUNGRY. She says that’s because I’ve been eating… the parts of myself that, when I merged with them, vanished from my consciousness. She asked me, “What will you do when that resource runs out?” I answered that I had assumed that, because of my previous experiences with just KNOWING what I feed on, when the time came, I would experience that again. She told me that because part of what I was eating was the aspect of my spirit that is the feeder, I might not get that Knowing when the time comes. I’ll still have the need to feed, though, so I’d better figure it out now…. and stop eating myself.

So… the warning is that I’m attacking myself, and also that I’m walling off pieces of myself.

So, DC Tz, SDC E, and now my Dosojin, have all talked to me about the fact that I’ve walled off the death that I carry. Three warnings. Time to act. Now I just have to figure out HOW. And, of course, find a nutritional snack… without a clue about what that entails at all.

-Raven

The Misadventures of Raven & Family

(TITLE COURTESY OF KITSUNE – TY!)

So… after nearly ten years with CH… I… kinda died. I mean, not in a fleshy way, but trust me… I was definitely not here in my skinsuit. I was absolutely in the Wastes… I was dead.

Which meant that… when I came back… all those nifty friends I’d collected over my ten years were GONE.

I actually felt really relieved, tbh… I just felt like… there was too much them for too little me. The guilt was kinda exhausting.

However, as I’ve been working with my Demon Commander E, he’s brought it to my attention that some of them would be beneficial. So… last night, after my work with him, but before my work with my Hellborn DC Tz, I sat down with all their tags (forget finding all those vessels – I just had to go by my notes), and a pendulum, and began to ask who was still around. The answer was, not surprisingly, no one. E nudged me. “Shouldn’t you be asking who WANTS to be around? You already KNEW they were all gone.” Duh.

I picked up my trusty pendulum again, and started asking who wanted to come back.

It was a very short list… but while there were a couple surprises, it’s mostly who I thought it would be. Neither of my wraiths wanted to stay, but they both INSISTED I needed to get a wraith into the household. The psyvamp and incubus sent to me by a client (she’d adopted them from TEC and just wasn’t able to bond) stayed, but the Beansidhe that she sent me did not. One of my sanguine vampires from CH stayed (I was really happy about that… A was a true blessing when he arrived, and he was the first spirit I ever worked with who understood I was autistic, and how I needed to be treated because of that). One of my Watchtowers from CH stayed (the East one, go figure), but the rest weren’t interested. Neither were any of the Lares. I was honestly surprised the East Watchtower spirit stayed… he and the other watchtowers and lares were the last spirits to arrive from CH, and they arrived after I was dead, so they never even came out of their packages. None of the dragons stayed. My Enochian angel stayed, but none of my other angels. One of the six elementals that DLM conjured for me stayed, but the others had moved on. A winter court sidhe conjured by Kyle and Wife (WolvesDen store, OOB now) agreed to come back… and one last CH spirit – a dosojin. (That one surprised the heck out of me.)

Needless to say, I spent most of the night using CH’s Dynamic Discovery Orb and Bag of All Tricks to conjure those who wanted to come home again, and to bind them to their chosen vessels. I also welcomed two new wraiths – a drowned woman (fairy wraith), and a burnt man (demonic wraith)… they will be really interesting to work with.

I used the bag and the orb because I’m not ready to do my own conjures again, just yet. I can give the energy to the kind of bindings that CH’s tools do, but I just don’t have the strength yet to be able to do my own work.

Which is why my Cecaelia has not been reconjured yet. I made her a promise that I would conjure her myself, when I was ready. So… that’s on hold. I’m probably going to celebrate either Samhain or the Winter Solstice with her conjure, depending on how I’m doing. I would like it to be sooner, but… I won’t rush myself. I won’t risk her or myself in an imperfect conjure and binding. I also have some Quetzals who want to join the household. The Naga don’t seem to be terribly interested, and I’m fine with that. They’re… lighter than I need right now. (I know, Quetzals are even lighter, but… they understand balance, and Naga are… less flexible.) I haven’t had any Ubi approach me, but… my feeling is that they’re waiting for the right time. They are a very patient people.

So… From three to fourteen. Well, and three pairs of Fu and a Guardian Construct that’s been with me for… wow… I honestly can’t remember when I made her. Huh.

What follows in this thread is a kind of diary. I have my two DC’s who are keeping me fairly busy right now, but as I settle into a schedule with them, E has plans for me to begin a course in magickal basics to refresh myself… and part of those daily exercises will include spending time with one or more of the household. As I get into the swing of things, I’ll be wanting a record of how we work together, what spirits/entities like to work most on what types of magickal activities.

So… I guess you can read this… but I’m not promising anything at all useful for you. It’s really just for me.

New Moon Personal Dedication Ritual: September 20, 2017

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This is the ritual I will be doing for myself. I’m sharing it because you might like to take pieces of it for your own workings. Below are the links from which I sourced the ritual, in their original form – you will see that I have done some considerable adaptation for the Call of the Rising Gods, because the ritual was not quite right for me, did not express quite the right energies I am seeking for this.

The New Moon occurs at 12:30am CST September 20. The moon will be in Virgo, and the emphasis of the energy is in creating a clean slate.

The rituals I borrowed from are from the following sources, where you can read them in their original:
http://theisticsatanism.com/rituals/standard/banishing.html
http://theisticsatanism.com/rituals/standard/names.html
https://ahrimanblood.wordpress.com/2008/08/22/left-hand-path-banishing-ritual/
http://theisticsatanism.com/rituals/standard/call5gods.html
https://www.thoughtco.com/self-dedication-ritual-2562868
http://fuckyeahitchywitch.tumblr.com/post/2730204004

Combination Ritual for the New Moon – Cleansing and Clearing of the Temples; Call to the Rising Gods of Our Age; Self-Dedication Ritual; Domestic Familiar Animal Call; Gratitude, Offerings, and Temple Release

Keep in mind that this ritual is designed as a template, and you can adapt it or adjust it to meet your own needs or those of the tradition you have created.

You should perform this ritual skyclad, if at all possible. Find a place that is quiet, private, and free of distractions. Turn off your cell phone and send the kids out to play if you have to.

Begin by grounding yourself. Find your inner peace, and become good and relaxed. Shut out all the things from your mundane life that distract you—forget for a while about paying the bills, your son’s baseball practice, and whether or not you fed the cat. Focus only on yourself, and the tranquility you’re entitled to.

Part 1 – The Adverse Pentacle

A’Ni (Palms to crown). (I AM)
Malkuth (Palms to root – See balanced light rising from below the earth, through my body’s chakras and channels, and out my crown, into eternity). (THE KINGDOM)
Ve-Gevurah (Touch right shoulder, then left hip). (AND THE POWER)
Ve-Gedulah (Touch right hip, then left shoulder). (AND THE GLORY)
Le-Olahm (Palms to root). (FOREVER)
Ve Nahon (OR Baphomestis) (Namaste position at solar plexus or heart). (THIS IS TRUTH)

Part 2 – The Quarter Calls (Note – which corner you start in may change according to your ritual purposes – I start in the East, because my personal sphere is Knowledge.)

Stand in your starting quarter, and (if you like) ring a bell 9 times. (I like ceremony, and I love bells, so I’m gonna do this every freaking time. YAY BELLS!)

At each quarter, draw the adverse pentacle of Earth (Bottom, top right, middle left, middle right, top left, bottom). Then, step forward, and empowering your pentagram, call out to the quarter King.

EAST: I Call to Welcome Lucifer, the bringer of light and knowledge!
NORTH: I Call to Welcome Belial, he who has no master, ruler of material wealth and power!
WEST: I Call to Welcome Leviathan, crocodile of the deep, carnal animal of chaos!
SOUTH: I Call to Welcome Iblis, he who bows down to no people, and accepts no belief blindly!

As you move from quarter to quarter, draw your sphere as you go. Remember to return to your starting quarter to complete the sphere.

When your sphere is complete, stand in the center and say:

“I call to welcome Set, who nightly slays Apep. By destroying the imp of chaos, I create freedom for myself. I have the freedom to create any Order I desire for myself, and I have the freedom to destroy it. I have the power to change at Will, and through change I can Become. Around me flame my pentagrams, the stars of force and fire. Within my breast dwells the Eternal One, the Infinite and Immortal Star! A’Ni Chaos*!”

(*You will need to choose a different signifier – I say “I Am Chaos” but your own power word is better. Google can help. There is no Hebrew word for chaos, so they say it using the English pronunciation.)

Repeat Part 1 (The Adverse Pentacle).

Call to the Rising Gods of Our Age

When you begin saying the call, you should already be facing your altar, facing the main direction for the ritual (west for a self-initiation ritual, possibly a different direction for another type of ritual).

Visualize yourself standing inside the central pentagon of a large point-down pentagram whose bottom point is located directly beneath you, below the ground where you are standing. Visualize the five gods as residing at and beyond the points of the pentagram, the energies of all five radiating from their respective points into the central pentagon. Visualize Hecate, the Queen of Hell, in an underground cave at the bottom point of the pentagram, Her dark feminine energy pervading the entire world. Visualize Prometheus above you with a torch, stealing fire from heaven, at the top right point of the pentagram. Visualize Ishtar as a fiercely passionate, athletic, tall, shapely but somewhat plump, muscular naked woman standing on the ground, at a distance to your left, in a meadow with trees behind Her, near the gates of an ancient stone city wall, Her energies pervading the entire Earth. Visualize Pan at a distance to your right, also standing on the ground, at the border between a meadow and a pristine forest, His energies pervading the entire Earth too. Visualize Enki above you at the top left point of the pentagram, the twin snakes of knowledge and wisdom wrapped around him in a double helix, the two trees of masculinity and femininity embracing him, the waters of the Tigris and Euphrates rivers pouring from his hands to nourish the world with life, knowledge, and replenishment.

Raising both arms in a gesture of greeting to all five gods, say:

Hail to the rising Gods of this age,
Gods of the world I love!

Pause for a moment, contemplating the things you love about both the natural world and modern civilization.

Then lower your arms, relax, and visualize yourself sinking down into the ground, enveloped and permeated by a dark flame emanating from the center of the Earth. Visualize Hecate as a proud, tall, sexily feminine, three faced woman in a cave, holding the keys to the gateway behind her, presiding over an army of the dead, her sacred hounds, and Her demon children. Looking down to the cave, through her gateway, and into the dark flame, say:

Hail, Hecate!
Lady of the crossroads!
Goddess of knowledge, magick, and the hidden ways!

Pause for a moment, contemplating Hecate.

Raise your right arm toward the top right point of the pentagram, towards Prometheus, but your left arm should still be extended downward, toward Hecate. With your right hand, make a fist in defiance of ignorance. Then, looking up to Prometheus at the top right point, say:

Hail, Prometheus!
Bringer of fire and knowledge!

Pause for a moment, contemplating Prometheus and the vital role of science and technology in our lives. Unclench your fist, open your fingers and feel a victorious energy flowing through you between Hecate and Prometheus, for They both have won great victories in the modern world.

Then, with your right arm still extended toward Prometheus at the top right point, extend your left arm horizontally to the left, toward your visualization of Ishtar. Both your hands should be open, fingers outstretched. Contemplate Ishtar/Inanna as a Goddess of both the world’s oldest civilization and the modern sexual revolution, neither of which could exist without the gifts of Prometheus. Look to your left and say:

Hail, Ishtar!
Great Goddess of old and of today!
Mother of the free!

Feel the primal, passionate energy of the Goddess of both love and war sweep through you as you call to Her. Pause for a moment, gradually shifting your attention to Ishtar as a Goddess of the larger forces of Nature too, beyond Her manifestations in the human realm. Contemplate both the beauty and the fierceness of the forces of nature here on Earth. Contemplate also your own dependence on Mother Earth. The gifts of Prometheus have changed our relationship to Her in many ways, but we still cannot live without Her, and it would still behoove us to respect Her.

Then, with your left arm still extended horizontally to the left, toward Ishtar, extend your right arm horizontally to the right, toward Pan. Both hands should be open, fingers outstretched. Look to your right and say:

Hail, Pan!
God of the wild!
God of fleshly delight!

Pause for a moment, contemplating Pan and both the beauty and the fierceness of the many kinds of animals and plants here on Earth. Feel the energy of Pan, and feel an erotic energy flowing through you between Pan and the Great Goddess.

Then, with your right arm still extended horizontally to the right, toward Pan, extend your left arm toward Enki at the top left point of the pentagram. With both hands, make a gesture of celebration of your ability to embrace both the pleasures of the flesh and the right to practice alternative religions and spiritualties. Look up at Enki and say:

Hail, Enki!
Bringer of life, wisdom, and replenishment!

Pause for a moment, contemplating Enki. Unclench your hands, extend your fingers, and feel an energy flowing through you between Enki and Pan, the energies of spirit and flesh enlivening each other.

Then, with your left arm still extended toward to the top left point of the pentagram, let your right arm dangle downward. Both hands should now be open, fingers extended. Feel an energy flowing through you between Enki and Hecate, the energy of the drive toward individual freedom, and the energy of various kinds of nonconformists gathering together to challenge popular attitudes. Look down and say:

Hail, Hecate!
Queen of the forsaken realms,
Rising Queen of our world,
Queen of this age!

Pause for a moment, contemplating Hecate again. Visualize the changes in the modern world that show Her hand at work. See those changes progressing.

Then raise both hands, fists clenched, and say:

Gods of the world I love,
May I walk strong before you, an expression of you in all ways!

Pause for a few moments, contemplating the presence of all five rising gods. Then relax and lower your arms.

Simple Self-Dedication Ritual

You will need the following items:

Blessing oil
Salt
A white candle

When you’re ready to proceed, sprinkle the salt on the floor or ground, and stand with your feet upon it.

Light your white candle, and feel the warmth of the flame. Look into the glow of the fire and think about what goals you have for yourself on your spiritual journey. Think about your motivations for performing this self-dedication.

Stand before your altar, and say:

I am a child of the gods, and I ask them to bless me.

Dip your finger into the blessing oil, and with eyes closed, anoint your forehead. Some people do this by tracing a pentagram on the skin with the oil.

Say: May my mind be blessed, so that I can accept the wisdom of the gods.

Anoint the eyelids (be careful here!) and say: May my eyes be blessed, so I can see my way clearly upon this path.

Anoint the tip of your nose with the oil, and say: May my nose be blessed, so I can breathe in the essence of all that is Divine.

Anoint your lips, and say: May my lips be blessed, so I may always speak with honor and respect.

Anoint your chest, and say: May my heart be blessed, so I may love and be loved.

Anoint the tops of your hands, and say: May my hands be blessed, so that I may use them to heal and help others.

Anoint your genital area, and say: May my womb be blessed, so that I may honor the creation of life. (If you’re male, make the appropriate changes here.)

Anoint the soles of your feet, and say: May my feet be blessed, so that I may walk side by side with the Divine.

If you have specific deities you follow, pledge your loyalty to them now. Otherwise, you can use simply “God and Goddess,” or “Mother and Father”.

Say:
Tonight, I pledge my dedication to the God and Goddess. I will walk with them beside me, and ask them to guide me on this journey. I pledge to honor them, and ask that they allow me to grow closer to them. As I will, so it shall be.

Take some time to meditate. Feel the afterglow of the ritual, and feel the energy of the gods around you. You have brought yourself to the attention of the Divine, so they will be keeping an eye on you. Accept the gift of their wisdom.

Domestic Animal Familiar Call

Equipment needed:
Drum,
incense representative of your expected familiar

 

– Find your heart’s rhythm (take your pulse)

– Beat on the drum to the same rhythm as your heart so that the rhythm is “known” to the spirits who might come to you. Continue this for at least five minutes to draw the attention of the animal

– After you have raised the energy and gotten the attention of potential familiars, (and while still drumming), chant in time with your heartbeats (now is a good time to check your pulse, it is probably faster now and you should increase the rhythm):

I call the beast
And the beast calls me
By my will, by divine will
Dance to the beat of my heart
Ancient ones hear me
And bring the Goddess manifest
Fur or fin, scale or feather
Hear my call for a magickal Familiar
Creature of earth, air, wind or water
Come to me, mentor me
I shall care for you and honor you
Blessed be!

– Stop drumming with the last words of the invocation

If your domestic familiar did not join your circle during the call, don’t worry – your domestic familiar may not be who you thought it was, or you may not be ready for them. Your domestic Familiar will find you, when you are ready.

The Grateful Feast of Offerings

At this time, it is appropriate to make an offering to the energies – to the Elemental Demon Kings, to the Rising Gods, to your personal P/Matron(s), and to your new Familiar. Finally, make an offering to yourself. (I like to offer wine, bread, salt, honey, and something appropriate to my familiar (I usually get cats, so at the end of my rituals, they get catnip). Feast with them, meditating on your gratitude for all you have gained, and basking in their energies.

The Release of the Temple

 

Raising both arms in a gesture of greeting to the five rising gods of our age, say:

Hail to the rising Gods of this age,
Gods of the world I love!
I thank you for your attendance in my ritual and the blessings you have brought to me this night.

Take a moment to contemplate your ritual, and what you have received, and your path forward from here.

Hecate, Lady of the crossroads!
Goddess of knowledge, magick, and the hidden ways!
Queen of the forsaken realms,
Rising Queen of our world,
Queen of this age!
I thank you for your attendance in my ritual and the blessings you have brought to me this night.

Take a moment to consider the gifts of Hecate in your life.

Prometheus, Bringer of fire and knowledge!
I thank you for your attendance in my ritual and the blessings you have brought to me this night.

Take a moment to consider the gifts of Prometheus in your life.

Ishtar, Great Goddess of old and of today!
Mother of the free!
I thank you for your attendance in my ritual and the blessings you have brought to me this night.

Take a moment to consider the gifts of Ishtar in your life.

Pan, God of the wild!
God of fleshly delight!
I thank you for your attendance in my ritual and the blessings you have brought to me this night.

Take a moment to consider the gifts of Pan in your life.

Enki, Bringer of life, wisdom, and replenishment!
I thank you for your attendance in my ritual and the blessings you have brought to me this night.

Take a moment to consider the gifts of Enki in your life.

If a familiar animal answered your Call, now is the appropriate time to thank them for answering, to welcome them to your new path in life and to honor them for agreeing to share this journey with you.

The Adverse Pentacle

A’Ni (Palms to crown). (I AM)
Malkuth (Palms to root – See balanced light rising from below the earth, through my body’s chakras and channels, and out my crown, into eternity). (THE KINGDOM)
Ve-Gevurah (Touch right shoulder, then left hip). (AND THE POWER)
Ve-Gedulah (Touch right hip, then left shoulder). (AND THE GLORY)
Le-Olahm (Palms to root). (FOREVER)
Ve Nahon (OR Baphomestis) (Namaste position at solar plexus or heart). (THIS IS TRUTH)

Part 2 – The Quarter Releases

Stand in your starting quarter.

At each quarter, undraw the adverse pentacle of Earth (Bottom, top left, middle right, middle left, top right, bottom). Then, step forward, and call out to the quarter King.

EAST: Lucifer, the bringer of light and knowledge – I thank you for your attendance in my ritual and the blessings you have brought to me this night.
NORTH: Belial, he who has no master, ruler of material wealth and power – I thank you for your attendance in my ritual and the blessings you have brought to me this night.
WEST: Leviathan, crocodile of the deep, carnal animal of chaos – I thank you for your attendance in my ritual and the blessings you have brought to me this night.
SOUTH: Iblis, he who bows down to no people, and accepts no belief blindly – I thank you for your attendance in my ritual and the blessings you have brought to me this night.

As you move from quarter to quarter, undraw your sphere as you go. Remember to return to your starting quarter to complete the breaking of the sphere.

When your sphere is completely down, stand in the center and say:

“Set, who nightly slays Apep – I thank you for your attendance in my ritual and the blessings you have brought to me this night. By destroying the imp of chaos, I create freedom for myself. I have the freedom to create any Order I desire for myself, and I have the freedom to destroy it. I have the power to change at Will, and through change I can Become. Around me flame my pentagrams, the stars of force and fire. Within my breast dwells the Eternal One, the Infinite and Immortal Star! A’Ni Chaos *!”

(*Again, use your personal power word and signifier here.)

Repeat Part 1 (The Adverse Pentacle).

Feel the energy of the gods around you, of the sacred masculine and feminine energies within you and within your circle. You have brought yourself to the attention of the Divine, so they will be keeping an eye on you. Accept the gift of their wisdom. They will leave when they are ready, but as you close your altar, snuffing candles and cleaning up the remains of the feast, know that your circle is open, but unbroken, and that they are welcome to stay, or go, as they desire.

HDC Tz and Serenity

Today is the second bonding day – this was a hearing exercise.

Except that, just like my SDC E had other ideas today… so did DC Tz. lol

I found him at the cliff edge – the precipice that overlooks the bowels of his home… but we didn’t stay there.

We went to find my other self.

She was, predictably, up to her chin in lava, soaking.

It’s rather frustrating to have half of yourself on vacation when you’re about to do some major spiritual working. Especially when she won’t get out of her freaking bath.

I went in and got her. I might not have been entirely gentle. When she’s like this I don’t like her much. We talked about the feeding issue. Well… Tz… expressed his opinion of her treatment of the feeding issue. It was… enjoyable. Did I mention sometimes I don’t like her much? She thinks she’s old, but honestly, sometimes she’s so hung up on what she used to be. She didn’t want to come out of the pool because “she didn’t ask for this.” Except… she did. I was totally there when she agreed to what we’re doing. She agreed to stay – she was given the offer to go home, and she stayed.

Granted, if she had taken the offer, I’d be truly dead right now, but we didn’t know at the time, and she DID decide to stay, and do the work we were offered. She doesn’t get to leave this on my shoulders like everything else, just because it’s not like the old days.

It’s not her fault she’s so needy… I think all divine things are needy at some level. They exist because they’re worshipped. Without that, they’re nothing. They wither. So… they’re needy. And we aren’t a god, we don’t have worshippers… the one person that did worship her is gone, because that person was toxic and tried to enslave us.

But knowing all that doesn’t change the fact that she agreed to stay, she agreed to this task, and she doesn’t get to cuddle around her lava and sulk on our first day back.

And Tz said as much. So did I, but louder. I admit I was… 13itchy. Sometimes, with her, you have to be.

So. We melted into each other, and now it’s the me that is Us… and in 18 minutes, the new moon rises. As I was rising back into myself, Tz said he’d see me at the ritual.

Really, if I didn’t have a hellborn to wrangle her, I don’t think I’d ever get anything done.

SDC E – Visions of Change

Today was Bonding Ritual Day 7 – Astral Sight Attunement

This one did not go as I expected. Honestly, I think he was hiding himself from me… because he was focused on his own goal, and not mine. lol

I asked to see him in the astral, and instead, I found myself in my Soulscape… in the corner where I’d buried… the leftovers. Somehow, it had turned into a graveyard, complete with wrought iron fencing (honestly, why did it have to be IRON?). Except that… instead of a normal graveyard, this corner is… apocalyptic. It’s grey, and… death is leeching everywhere. Decay is spreading like a sick wound.

He asked me to take the fence down, and offered to help. He just flat out tore his section of the iron out of the ground. I don’t know what he did with it. I just touched my part of the stuff and… it vanished in red sparks. It’s my soulscape – I can do that, I tell him… but honestly I think he just enjoyed the physical activity of shredding metal. lol

I picked up the body. Fae don’t rot. They just don’t. So… here’s what’s left of me, what’s left of what I sacrificed to leave the Wastelands… not rotting. Just this white corpse in the ground. We have this idea that we don’t die… we live so long, death just doesn’t make sense to us… we’re not made for it. I carried the body back to the center of my garden… and I did what the old legends say we did, when a sacrifice was made so that Winter would end, the Holly King would die, and the Sun would Rise. When there’s blood on the snow… you put the corpse in a glass coffin… and you wait for life to return.

It doesn’t… there are glass coffins in faerie that we’ve hidden from ourselves for time out of mind… all of them carefully housed in the glass, waiting for the day that they rise again.

What can I say… when we don’t understand something… we don’t try. We just hide it and pretend it’s not happening.

So… I put her in a glass coffin.

And then, I reclaimed the dead lands.

Because I’m not all Fae. I understand the cycles. Life falls into death, and rises out of it. Death claims the living, and remakes the spark again. Every leaf that falls nourishes the ground, feeds the tree, and makes more leaves. Nothing is wasted.

So… with E standing next to me, with the sacrificial doe in her glass, I called the dead back to life… and I gave life back to the dead… and slowly, the burning in my heart calmed.

I still don’t feel quite whole…

But it’s better now.

Afterwards, he said that was enough for the day, that he would see me at the dedication ritual later… and he was gone.

The whole time, I never really saw him. He was a shadow. But I felt him. I felt his strength. His support. His kindness. And his absolutely iron will – he wasn’t going to let this sit another day. We were going to fix this today. That was it. He’d decided.

So we did.

I think I still need to do some work… the incorporation of the cycle isn’t perfect.

Then again, maybe I don’t. I am, after all… mostly fae.

The Story So Far

Nyctophilia Raven « Sat Sep 16, 2017 7:48 pm »   I’m still working to build connections just within myself… but I know it won’t take long to get back to where I was, and surpass it… I’m getting SO much support now. ❤

Kitsune « Sat Sep 16, 2017 7:48 pm »   Yay

Kitsune « Sat Sep 16, 2017 7:49 pm »   Do you still do those taste readings?

Kitsune « Sat Sep 16, 2017 7:49 pm »   I remember a thread about it on the other forum a long time ago

Kitsune « Sat Sep 16, 2017 7:50 pm »   Thought I’d ask

Nyctophilia Raven « Sat Sep 16, 2017 7:52 pm »   I’m not there yet. I can’t taste energy yet. Shoot, I can barely sense it. I WAS dead… for a couple of years… I’ve got a ways to go in my recovery from that.

Kitsune « Sat Sep 16, 2017 7:53 pm »   You mentioned that. May I ask what happened?

Nyctophilia Raven « Sat Sep 16, 2017 7:54 pm »   You know all those posts I write with “Case Studies” in them? Read the ones that include “caitlynn” stories.

Kitsune « Sat Sep 16, 2017 7:58 pm »   I have. That happened to you?

Nyctophilia Raven « Sat Sep 16, 2017 7:58 pm »   Yes. That is EXACTLY what happened to me. That’s why I disappeared for five years.

Kitsune « Sat Sep 16, 2017 7:59 pm »   Gotcha.

Kitsune « Sat Sep 16, 2017 7:59 pm »   The Prometheus part as well?

Kitsune « Sat Sep 16, 2017 7:59 pm »   I’m assuming yes, but just confirming

Nyctophilia Raven « Sat Sep 16, 2017 8:00 pm »   Yes. Maythen was the one who turned me into a Prometheus. And then blamed it on me.

Nyctophilia Raven « Sat Sep 16, 2017 8:02 pm »   In both of those discussions, I changed names, and sometimes the sex of people involved, to protect their privacy, but… honestly, here I don’t care about protecting that kind of person’s privacy. People need to be aware of her.

Nyctophilia Raven « Sat Sep 16, 2017 8:01 pm »   Wow… I guess I’m still a little bitter about that. lol

Kitsune « Sat Sep 16, 2017 8:01 pm »   Mm. How are you now?

Nyctophilia Raven « Sat Sep 16, 2017 8:03 pm »   I am… better every day. This whole week has been a huge series of forward steps. I’m content. I feel like I can feel my soul stretching, my true self blooming inside me. In the past four months since we finally figured out what was wrong and fixed it, I’ve had… many huge changes. Some of them have been rather emotionally violent, but they’ve all been hugely beneficial to me.

Nyctophilia Raven « Sat Sep 16, 2017 8:04 pm »   I finally go to the point where it was time to come back here, time to start work again. Of course, the first week, I dipped my toes in and immediately had a massive week long panic attack… but when it was over, I came back again. I stick things out that are important to me now.

Kitsune « Sat Sep 16, 2017 8:04 pm »   Curious, have any of the changes been physical or physically perceived?

Nyctophilia Raven « Sat Sep 16, 2017 8:05 pm »   Some of the changes are definitely physical changes, but most are psychological changes. The way I think and feel… I’m just… not that person anymore. I’m new.

Kitsune « Sat Sep 16, 2017 8:05 pm »   Glad things are improving

Kitsune « Sat Sep 16, 2017 8:05 pm »   I’m have a few mechanically-based questions about it if you don’t mind

Nyctophilia Raven « Sat Sep 16, 2017 8:06 pm »   Sure… ask away. I’ll tell you what I can of what I know.

Kitsune « Sat Sep 16, 2017 8:06 pm »   What nature are the physical changes?

Nyctophilia Raven « Sat Sep 16, 2017 8:09 pm »   I get tired easily. I get short of breath. I have weird swellings. I have cysts that grow in my feet and breasts and elsewhere if I don’t remember to take my vitamin E, which makes it even harder to walk. I have problems in my spine and shoulders and hips. The attack tore my wings off, and it damaged my physical body and all the muscles and bones that supported them.

Nyctophilia Raven « Sat Sep 16, 2017 8:10 pm »   It also damaged those charkas… and then the brand was DRIVEN through a main wing chakra, so that my wings could NOT grow back, and every time I got stressed out or tried to do anything that Maythen didn’t want me to do, there was this drilling, BURNING pain, which changed the way I held my shoulders, and damaged my neck

Nyctophilia Raven « Sat Sep 16, 2017 8:11 pm »   So I have a lot of structural issues.

Nyctophilia Raven « Sat Sep 16, 2017 8:11 pm »   There’s also the fact that sitting on a couch for two years leads to loss of muscle mass, shortening of tendons, and general weakness of the body, plus the gain of unnecessary weight.

Nyctophilia Raven « Sat Sep 16, 2017 8:12 pm »   And on top of all that, there’s the PTSD and the chronic anxiety attacks that come with that… which makes working on my physical health… difficult.

Nyctophilia Raven « Sat Sep 16, 2017 8:13 pm »   So, we got rid of the brand, and rebuilt my energy structures, and my wings. However, it was actually a resurrection, a rebirthing, so… I didn’t come back like I was… I came back new and different. It’s taken time for my body and I to come to terms with each other and begin working as a whole being.

Kitsune « Sat Sep 16, 2017 8:12 pm »   You mentioned the problem being fixed earlier. Has that helped any?

Nyctophilia Raven « Sat Sep 16, 2017 8:14 pm »   Getting that drilling burning brand out of me and getting the… mummy wrapping looking shroud of bindings off of me… it helped my rebirth… but all the physical changes… they have to be worked on step by step. So, every day, I pick something, and I work a little at everything. I push myself until I start to hurt a little, or I start to get too tired. Then I stop. I rest… and then I try again. Every day.

Nyctophilia Raven « Sat Sep 16, 2017 8:15 pm »   So I’m building back… and I’m working with the healer who helped fix what Maythen did. The migraines have almost completely stopped, so that’s making a huge difference in my recovery.

Nyctophilia Raven « Sat Sep 16, 2017 8:16 pm »   So, the problem is fixed…. but the consequences of the problem… those are being taken care of, but it’s slow. Baby steps.

Kitsune « Sat Sep 16, 2017 8:16 pm »   I see. Has that affected your hungers at all, and being rebirthed, (forgive me if I sound ignorant) are you of a different race or is the body of the same base aspects as your old one?

Kitsune « Sat Sep 16, 2017 8:17 pm »   Non-physical to clarify

Nyctophilia Raven « Sat Sep 16, 2017 8:18 pm »   Hmm… You remember how, in the Prometheus post, I talked about having more than one soul?

Kitsune « Sat Sep 16, 2017 8:18 pm »   Yes

Nyctophilia Raven « Sat Sep 16, 2017 8:19 pm »   Ok, so, when I was reborn, it severed EVERY contract I had made from when we came into this body up to the point where rebirth happened. Which left me alone in the body. I didn’t feel any hunger at all… but I had this HUGE hole in me, and it HURT.

Nyctophilia Raven « Sat Sep 16, 2017 8:20 pm »   I had to go find my other soul and bring her home. It was… a difficult journey, as such a thing should be.

Nyctophilia Raven « Sat Sep 16, 2017 8:20 pm »   And this time… something weird happened… I think that we actually merged into one being, instead of two souls sharing.

Kitsune « Sat Sep 16, 2017 8:21 pm »   Interesting

Nyctophilia Raven « Sat Sep 16, 2017 8:21 pm »   I haven’t been able to see myself since then… because I think we’re still forming. Before, when I had to go get her, in my half-form, I was covered in black fur, had a tail, and claws… and my wings wouldn’t work. She’s high court sidhe.

Nyctophilia Raven « Sat Sep 16, 2017 8:22 pm »   I honestly have no idea what I’m going to look like once it settles. lol

Nyctophilia Raven « Sat Sep 16, 2017 8:22 pm »   Before I died, I always had a clear picture of what she looked like, and what I looked like. I was always very aware that she was her own person, but that together, we were Kat.

Nyctophilia Raven « Sat Sep 16, 2017 8:22 pm »   After the death, we were Dead Kat.

Nyctophilia Raven « Sat Sep 16, 2017 8:23 pm »   After the rebirth, it was just me… and that… wasn’t right. That’s not how it’s supposed to be. I was a Live Half Kat

Nyctophilia Raven « Sat Sep 16, 2017 8:23 pm »   So… I went for her, and we made a different contract. And now it’s… weird.

Nyctophilia Raven « Sat Sep 16, 2017 8:32 pm »   I know what I looked like just as myself… but as WE? I don’t know yet. When SCD E showed me myself in that mirror and I was not there, just mist… Right now, I’m formless. Who knows what I’ll end up looking like. lol Or if I’ll end up looking like anything at all?

Kitsune « Sat Sep 16, 2017 8:33 pm »   I know from tales and other places that many fae have fluid forms

Nyctophilia Raven « Sat Sep 16, 2017 8:34 pm »   High Court Fae don’t have as fluid a form as lower fae. What they DO have is GLAMOUR. lol

Nyctophilia Raven « Sat Sep 16, 2017 8:24 pm »   But I’m still not hungry. I think once we settle, SOME kind of feeding will need to be done, because she’s fae, and they feed.

Kitsune « Sat Sep 16, 2017 8:27 pm »   And speaking of hungers, mine makes it hard to be around people because I want to rip out their throats XD I’m remembering a time when I almost did that. Thankfully I have a lot of control

Nyctophilia Raven « Sat Sep 16, 2017 8:29 pm »   Eat more rare meat. Dragons don’t just crave blood, they crave flesh. Eat more bloody meat.

Kitsune « Sat Sep 16, 2017 8:29 pm »   Always

Kitsune « Sat Sep 16, 2017 8:30 pm »   The physical part of me requires that as well

Kitsune « Sat Sep 16, 2017 8:36 pm »  I eat rare meat often. Meat is always in my diet. ^^ also glamour and persuasion are fun skills

Nyctophilia Raven « Sat Sep 16, 2017 8:37 pm »   lol Yeah, they are.

Kitsune « Sat Sep 16, 2017 8:38 pm »   Btw, out of curiosity, don’t remember if I asked this before, but do lights ever turn orange at certain angles of your vision?

Nyctophilia Raven « Sat Sep 16, 2017 8:38 pm »   Always

 

World of Warcraft and Mental Health

About four or five years ago, I went through something that turned my life, and my head, completely upside down.

It started with, of all things, a migraine.

I was used to them. I got them all the time. I had them for days at a time. I pushed through. I got things done. I ignored the pain, and mostly, that worked. Admittedly, as things progressed, the amount of days I spent enduring migraines lengthened, until I quite possibly had less than a week out of every month where I wasn’t in pain… but it happened so slowly that by that time, I had adjusted. I persevered.

Until one day, my body decided enough was enough.

I had a migraine so severe I was screaming in pain. We rushed to the hospital, where they struggled to help. Eventually, the pain faded, and we went home… where I couldn’t forget what had happened.

The anxiety and fear of both the pain, and not knowing what had happened to me, or why, eventually led to another screaming migraine.

And another.

Finally, I was in such a state of constant vigilance, I couldn’t cope with even my normal migraines. I started having dreams of dying.

I had a dream of walking out into traffic… and I woke up completely numb – I felt nothing about it. I understood, my subconscious was speaking about my desperation. I wasn’t suicidal, but when you’re experiencing trauma coupled with pain, your brain does a funny thing. It grabs onto any idea for relief.

When I was a child, I was hit by a car, and I died. While I was dead, I experienced not light, but darkness. Pure, empty darkness. There was no pain, there was no fear, there was no hate, there was NOTHING… and it was the most beautiful, quiet experience of my life. When they brought me back, I cried for days, because I didn’t want to leave that peace for a life that was nothing but horror.

So of course, when I was again experiencing something I couldn’t cope well with, my brain remembered what it was like to be dead… and suggested, through dreams, that solution.

This is actually quite common in trauma patients. This does NOT mean they are suicidal. It means that their subconscious is reaching for a way out. That doesn’t mean they have any intention of acting on it… it just means they’re nearing the end of their endurance.

Realizing what my dream signified, I knew I needed medical assistance to get my pain under control. I had my mother take me to the hospital, where I TRIED to explain to multiple medical professionals about my pain, and the dream, and what I needed.

THEY decided I was suicidal, and stopped listening to me. They sent me to an inpatient psychiatric facility for a week, where I experienced even more psychological trauma. The only person I met during that week who DID understand was a paramedic who was an Iraki war veteran. He had shrapnel in his head. He lived with pain daily. He understood the difference between wanting to die, and your brain trying to find solutions to situations.

The end result of these experiences was an anxiety disorder, severe depression, and PTSD.

I sat on the couch for two years. I barely spoke. I wasn’t really aware. People spoke to me, and I honestly felt everything they said meant nothing. Their questions were all obvious, and clearly rhetorical. I stared at the world, and felt nothing, thought nothing. I was empty, at the bottom of a deep well. The world was very dark, and I didn’t care. The only time I experienced any emotions, I would be having a panic attack.

Eventually, we realized that the hospital’s solution of drowning me in medication I didn’t need had exacerbated my situation. My doctor took me off every medication she could.

I was unmedicated for a little over a year…. and slowly, I started to live again. I wasn’t my old self, by any stretch of the imagination. I don’t think I’ll ever get that person back. She died – that’s how I look at it. We found out that I have a sensitivity to sugar. I’m not diabetic – it’s a different issue. If I have too much sugar, I get migraines. We also found out I needed glasses, which clearly contributed to my issues. Dehydration and forgetting to eat definitely contribute, but the main cause is sugar. I stopped drinking gatorade, which I had been drinking because of chronic electrolyte deficiencies, and got an app for my phone that reminded me to drink, and to eat. My migraines and my anxiety both cause me to become very scattered and forgetful. I needed those apps.

Because I was home, and unwell, I had a lot of spare time. I read a lot, but even someone for whom reading is a passion can become tired of reading when that’s ALL you do… so I started playing games from Google Play. I played mystery games – games with a story line, where you would have to find objects, and use them to complete tasks to get to the next section of the game.

I bought a LOT of games. It was becoming expensive.

My husband suggested I try creating a character on WoW. When we first met six years ago, I had tried to play, but I had this tiny Vista hybrid laptop. It had a flip around touch screen, and the latency on the thing was so bad, I couldn’t see what had killed me… It was so bad, that I got very frustrated and just decided that I wasn’t a gamer. I didn’t blame my tech… I blamed myself. After all… I’d played console games with friends. I knew I was bad at games. Shoot – I died during RPG’s.

However, he convinced me to give it another go. I had a newer computer, and he’d played on it. It wasn’t awful, so he thought I would be able to play. He was right, for the most part.

Because I have a lot of social anxiety, I didn’t run any dungeons. I just quested. Despite that, I leveled a toon to 100 in under four months. For a new player, that’s pretty good. He bought me Legion as a present, for making it that far.

The thing about Warcraft is that it gives me goals. Small, achievable tasks, for which I gain rewards. Slowly, my mental health improved, because my confidence in my own ability to solve problems grew. I started running dungeons with my husband and his best friend. I joined a guild and ran some content with them.

My new laptop couldn’t handle Legion. I had latency issues. I had lag issues. Loading into dungeons and scenarios took too long, and I frequently dc’d and spent a lot of time catching up to groups… and dying.

We started saving for a computer that could handle Legion. I got The Beast as a Valentine’s Day present this year. I LOVE my Beast.

After I got The Beast, and realized that a large part of my problems WERE in fact technological, I started feeling confident enough to pug dungeons. We moved to a higher population server (we’d been on Moonguard, which is an RP server, and not really our style) which was progression based, because I finally felt ready to move forward. To challenge myself.

I found a WONDERFUL guild. I can’t even begin to express how helpful and understanding they’ve been. I was clear from the start about my issues, and the reason we click so well is that they are a group designed to support people with my health issues.

Because of Warcraft, and a strong support system, I’ve begun to enjoy being challenged. I still get frustrated if I die a lot. I feel like I’ve failed my team. It just pushes me to learn more.

I’m working, right now, to gear a new character, because I want to get into the higher level dungeons, the mythic plusses, and into the Nighthold Raid. I want to run the heroic Guldan battle, and get my Ahead of the Curve achievement.

I want to be ready for when Tomb of Sargeras comes out. I want to be in the front lines. I want to be part of the team of guildies who run mythic challenges for the guild weekly.

A friend dragged me into battle ground scenarios last weekend. It was the first time I’ve done real PVP stuff. I didn’t die as often as I expected. It was chaotic, and confusing… but I learned a lot. I think I’d like to do more, because I know things about my toon I didn’t know before.

 

I have gone from someone who, when I couldn’t log into my bank account, ended up curled in a ball under a coffee table, completely hysterical, to someone who is actively looking to challenge herself. To push. To grow.

World of Warcraft saved me. I am reborn, and I am ready to face the World… and the world.

Thank you, Warcraft, for teaching me that I Can. And thank you, my husband, for insisting I try it. You’re right… it’s cheaper… and a lot more fun.

 

Gemini New Moon Meditation

Take three, deep, relaxing breaths. The first breath relaxes your body. The second breath relaxes your mind. The third breath relaxes your soul.

Below you is a ball of golden light. The light is moving, moving towards your feet… and as it moves into your feet, your feet relax completely. All the stress and tension disappears from them. Slowly, the light expands and moves upwards into your calves, relaxing them completely. And the golden light continues to expand, into your knees… and your thighs… into your root chakra, now red edged with gold…. And it flows up your core, relaxing your body as it flows, into your womb… and then your center… and then your heart… and then your throat… and it flows down your arms into your palms and fingers… and then into your head, your third eye… and your crown… and finally, above you, it connects with the gold chakra six inches above your head… the center of your knowing, Godself… the center of wisdom.

The moment you connect to your gold chakra, you see before you a spiral staircase leading upwards. There is a plaque on a stand next to the stairs, which says “Akashic Library.” There is a rope across the stairs, and a person standing next to them.

You walk forward, knowing that the time has come for you to meet your Librarian, and begin to read your own book, the book of your lives. When you reach the person standing next to the stairs, you say your name. The person unhitches the rope from one side, and gestures you onto the staircase.

You begin your ascent, and in the beginning, you count the stairs… 1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…9…10…11…12… Finally, you reach the top of the stairs, and come to a double set of glass doors edged in a golden metal, one before the other. You enter the Library, passing through both sets of doors… and walk up to the desk you find, just inside.

You tell the Librarian behind the desk your name, and ask to see your book. The Librarian smiles, nods, and rings a bell… the sound echoes pleasantly in your head, and all around you.

Soon, another Librarian arrives, one familiar to you. This Librarian is the one who cares for your Book. With a gesture towards you that says to follow, your Librarian leads you into the Library, and straight to your Book. Placing your Book into your hands, the Librarian bows to you, and then leads you into a small chamber nearby, with a desk in it which has a slanted top, a well-placed reading lamp, and a comfortable chair. After you enter, the Librarian politely closes the door behind you, but remains just outside. You know that when you are finished reading, your Librarian will again take charge of your book, carefully placing it back where it belongs before leading you back to the entrance to the Library.

Sitting down at the desk in the comfortable chair, you lay your book on the desk, open it up, and begin to read… and as you read, as if you had lost a memory and only just rediscovered it, you begin to remember your lives, and tap into your incredible wisdom.

Take as long as you need.

When you are ready, get up from the desk. Stretch a bit. Walk to the door, letting your Librarian back in to again take charge of your book.

After the Librarian places the book back where it belongs, you are led back to the desk and the front doors. You thank your Librarian, and the Librarian at the desk, and leave the Library, slowly walking down the spiral staircase and back to consciousness.

You again count the steps. 12…11…10…9…8…7…6…5…4…3…2…1… and then you become aware again of the gold light within you. You take a moment to ground and center, sending the golden light back down into the earth. With a deep breath, you awaken your soul to this reality. With a second deep breath, you awaken your mind to this reality. With a third and final deep breath, you awaken your body to this reality, and open your eyes.

Scorpio Full Moon (Flower Moon) Meditation

Close your eyes, and take three, deep, focusing breaths. The first relaxes your body. The second relaxes your heart and mind. The third relaxes your soul.

Now, beginning with your toes, relax your body. Relax so deeply, your body becomes liquid. Your body becomes warm and relaxing water. Your toes and your fingers are becoming water, your toes and your fingers are water, your toes and your fingers are completely relaxed. Your hands and your feet are becoming water, your hands and your feet are water, your hands and your feet are totally relaxed. Your wrists and your ankles are becoming water, your wrists and your ankles are water, your wrists and your ankles are completely relaxed. (Continue relaxing calves and forearms, thighs and upper arms, hips and shoulders, body and neck, face and head.)

You are completely relaxed, completely water. You sink deep into the center of yourself, diving down, down, down, until you come to awareness beside a creek that is flowing into a cave. The full moon above you, the sounds of the night – crickets, owls and other night birds, frogs, the burbling of the stream, the stars, the rustle of trees in the breeze – all bring to you a feeling of safety, security. You feel so content; you could almost stay here forever.

Looking around, you catch sight of the cave again, and though it is quite fulfilling to remain beside the river, your curiosity, and something deep within you that isn’t quite so calm, drives you to examine it closer. That restless feeling within you, that slight discontented disturbance, seems to be pulled out of your depths by the very stars above you.

You follow the rivulet into the cave. As you go deeper, you discover that there is a path, a glowing pattern of cave moss that leads you onward by its dim illumination. The creek quickly sinks into the ground, leaving you with only the pale illumination of the lichens to guide your way. You feel no fear, but only a driving restlessness guiding your steps onward.

As you continue down into the depths, you begin to hear the sound of dripping water coming from up ahead. With one hand on a wall of the tunnel, you begin to seek the water, knowing, somehow, that only discovering the source of that sound will quell the disquiet within you. Your steps become faster, and faster, as you go deeper and deeper.

Finally, in a headlong rush, you come to an enormous chamber at the heart of the cave, and in the center, there is a pool, and it is there that you find the source of the dripping sound. Water trickles down a stalactite thicker around that you are tall, emphasizing the size of the chamber by its length.

The pool of water below it is so black in the dim light of the cave moss, it almost looks like a pool made of pure shadow, but an odd, pearlescent light coming from its depths reflects off the stalactite above it… and suddenly you know that this is the source of your dissatisfaction – and what lies within is the solution. Peering into its depths, you see faint outlines of sunken treasure, all of it emitting the strange light… and you know you have to examine the items closer.

You test the water with your hand. It has a faint, mineral scent to it, but it is warm and comfortable, smooth as silk against your skin. Slowly, you lower yourself into the water.

Taking a deep breath, you bend over, and thrust yourself into the depths, diving towards the bottom below you. You can feel the water pressing against your ears, sliding along your skin, the bubbles formed by your pumping legs as you kick yourself deeper and deeper, reaching for the sand and the secrets buried there.

When you reach the bottom, you discover that you can sit on the ground quite comfortably, and that you can breathe the water. You know you can stay down here for as long as you need. You begin to explore the treasured objects buried here. The first one you pick up startles you, because as you touch it, you receive an emotion-laden memory of what formed it. It is a memory and an emotion from your past. Surprised, you drop it… but then, wonderingly, you pick it up again, and watch the memory, feeling the emotions from that moment as clearly as if you were there all over again.

When you have received the full memory, you let the item fall, and move to pick up another one, and another, and another. You explore every item buried in the sands around you… and as you touch them, you begin to feel that some are more important, more urgent, than others.
When you have examined all the objects, thank them for the memories. Choosing the most urgent item, push yourself off the ground, and carry it back to the surface of the pool with you, along with the memory and the emotions that belong to it.

Place it on the ground beside the pool, and pull yourself out of the water. When you are out of the water, you turn to contemplate the object again, and discover that it has become another you – the person that you were when the emotion-laden memory was formed. Now, you have the opportunity to resolve the restlessness, the discontent, and the troubled emotions that you have carried with you from this event.
You sit down with your younger self, and begin to speak from your older awareness, and your understanding of where you are now. You converse with your younger self, saying what that self needs to hear, to release those old, stale emotions, to let go of the pain you’re holding onto.

When the process is complete, your younger self becomes the object once more. You pick up the item, and hold it to your chest. As it melts into your heart chakra and heals the old wound, you smile, and say “This is cleared!”

When you are ready, you return to the surface, following the cave moss, and then the creek, back to the surface, and from that surface, back to consciousness. You take three deep breaths… the first one awakens your soul to this reality. The second breath awakens your heart and mind to this reality. The third breath awakens your body to this reality.

Now, open your eyes, and smile. You have healed a moment from your past. Brightest Blessings!

New Guide

I have a new guide, named Jymm. He’s taking over for Marie, who is going on to a new Job. Jymm’s not just going to be doing the work that Marie did with/for me – he’s also my Library interface. 
After something a little acquisitive tried to steal me from my Patrons, resulting in the utter destruction of my Temple and my Hall, we’ve temporarily relocated – guides, patrons, and all – to a conference hall in the Akashic Library, and I’ve stopped hiding under glamour, instead stepping into my power and my full self. 
I’m still not sure what all this means. 

Shadow Dancing

She wore a long, filmy black dress, like leaves falling at night. Her limbs were long and pale, she was tall and thin, and she was beautiful. Her skin was in shadow, and she wore no shoes.
We were like night and day – I in my green, she in her dark – and we greeted each other with joy, for she is me, and I am her. She is my shadow, and I am her light.
A friend once said, make friends with your shadow, and when I finally saw her, I couldn’t help but do so. I couldn’t help but fall in love with someone so beautiful and strong. I couldn’t help but apologize for not loving her sooner – for giving her my fear, my rage, my self-hate and my pain. It wasn’t fair to do so.
So… when I saw her, I took her hands, and we danced. We danced and danced, laughed and spun and twisted and twirled around each other, hands in hands, full of joy and love for each other…
We danced and danced until, from one moment to the next, I stepped into her, and she into me… And we became one.

Astral Snippet

This particular vision happened about two weeks ago and I just forgot to post it. 

I’m standing in a large room, in front of a tall oval mirror in a stand. It’s the only piece of furniture in the room.
I’m not wearing my glamour, and I’m completely naked. My skin is mottled colors of grey and dead – bone white, bruise grey, rotted black – and I’m covered in hundreds of thick, ugly scars – all my emotional wounds, my battle scars – some from Work, some from life.
I look at myself, I see how wounded, damaged, dead I am, and I’m so close to weeping at the cost. I don’t want to see anymore. Having looked at myself, really looked, I begin to build the glamour back up, to hide my pains from the world. As I begin to do so, I realize that there’s someone else in the room with me. Someone else has seen my mess… and it disturbs my concentration.
When he comes up behind me and wraps his arms around me, and begins to kiss each and every scar, telling me how beautiful I am, I melt into his arms, without even thinking about it. Gabe is the only person to ever see me without my glamour on… and in that moment, he also becomes the only person I relax into, anymore, the only person I allow to really hold me, comfort me. No one else has that permission anymore. I just don’t trust them to be careful with me…
I should probably fix that.

The Path From Death to Rebirth

1) Read the books you’re told to read – be aware of assuming you know everything, and don’t ignore advice from people more experienced. 
Use your psychic gifts as a resource – don’t undervalue them or squander them – use them and be grateful. 
Take a leap of faith, and trust, eve if it’s scary.
Have faith that things will get better.
Be aware of losing hope, and don’t give up!
Ask for this, and don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it. 

2) Do the Tower Spell for Change
Go to the Library and ask for help there. 

3) Evaluate if the work is worth the reward, and if it is, stick at it. 
Consider the consequences of your actions before acting. 

4) Cut out all distractions.
Remove yourself from problematic situations.
Take time out to meditate and find your center. Recharge your spiritual strength. Use that spiritual strength, your spiritual foundation, for renewal.
Do not ignore your problems by distracting yourself – do not practice escapism. 

5) Clean out your head. Become aware of outmoded thoughts and behaviors – face them and resolve them.
Learn to be flexible and emotional.
If you want to proceed on your spiritual journey, you need purity of will and purity of desire. To gain these, to move past the point you are at right now, you must pass through death – the death of your ego, and with it, long-held beliefs that are no longer useful.
Spiritual growth brings pain. It isn’t easy to let go of certain behaviors and beliefs, to admit errors in thought and practice. This endeavor is not without the reward of greater spiritual strength.
Be aware of the fear of change, of letting go of outmoded ideas – fear of change leads to stagnation, which will be longer-lasting and more painful than a clean death. 

6) Don’t settle for the illusion of success. 
Don’t hold back – be completely engaged.  
Don’t stop until you’re finished – don’t stop too soon – you must be reborn! 

7) Celebrate your rebirth! 
Don’t fight your new-found ease and contentment. Enjoy it as much as you can, and don’t try to analyze it too much. 

The Knights Spread

"The Knights put down their Put down their swords to support the Legacy Project. Put down your own ambitions to pursue your higher purpose. Use this spread to explore what that is. 

Cards 1-3: What is my Higher Purpose? 
Cards 4-6: What do I need to learn? 
Cards 7-9: What do I need to do? 

Arrange the cards from left to right in three rows of three. Cards 1-3 are on the top row, cards 4-6 are in the middle row, and cards 7-9 are on the bottom row. This creates a three-by-three block. 

The Reading I Got: 

1) What is my higher purpose?

Ace of Wands: You are a gift from the universe. Unlike many other gifts, your gift is bestowed by human hands, for you are a facet of the universe that is more sympathetic to the human condition. You are, in some ways, the kindest, most generous gift – you are the beginning of everything – the spark of life. You are the gift of will, of inspiration, of action, of passion, of courage. You are illumination from heaven, and because of you, people start ideas and projects they otherwise would not. You are their connection to higher planes, bringing them a focus of will and the ability to achieve goals. Wow. Just wow. And thanks. 
You are now at a propitious point. You are given a career opportunity, a project. Take advantage of it with confidence and gratitude. I’m already doing that. I guess I should do more of it.. Oh, and… wow. I knew all that but still… seeing it written so baldly kinda makes me blush a little. lol 

2) Tell me more about my higher purpose?

The Tower: Carefully crafted, tall, beautiful, and strong, the Tower represents people’s world-views. They add to it, and alter it, as needed. They expect it to last and serve them well. You are the lightening that hits it, a literal bolt from the blue, and it is destroyed. You are a moment of illumination, creating a realization, an experience, that shakes people’s worlds to their very foundations. They fall, naked, from the structure. They have to rebuild, and they have nothing, or so it seems… But don’t discount what your flash of lightening reveals to them. 
The message of the Tower is a difficult one. Unlike the Wheel, with its philosophical message of centeredness, and Death, with its promise of spiritual enlightenment, the Tower doesn’t seem to offer much except destruction. People’s belief systems help them find calm in the center of the Wheel and gives them courage to face Death. In the Tower, that belief system is shattered. The good news is that it is shattered by a Truth they didn’t recognize before. Knowing the Truth is good; ignorance is not really bliss. 
 

3) Tell me more about my higher purpose?

4 of Pentacles (reversed): The opposite extreme of Greed is Giving. Be aware of giving away all you have, all you are, so that you are depleted and have nothing left to offer. 
4) What do I need to learn? 
4 of Swords: Remove yourself from all problematic situations, take some time out, meditate, and find your center. By recharging your spiritual strength, you will bring your best efforts to solving your problems. Be aware of ignoring the problem by distracting yourself. This is not a card of escapism, but of utilizing your spiritual foundation for renewal. 
 

5) What do I need to learn?

7 of Swords: You lack discipline and willpower. You respond to situations in illogical and dangerous fashions. When faced with problems, you have trouble creating effective plans to solve them, but you don’t reconsider your solutions and try to find ones that will yield more satisfactory results. You are too impetuous. Your actions have consequences and you would do well to consider them before acting. 
 

6) What do I need to learn? 

10 of Swords: You are at the end of a hard situation. It is probably about all you can stand and you may not think you’ll make it. You can. Have faith that the tide is about to turn. Be aware of losing hope. Do not give up. The Wheel is about to begin an upward turn. I think that this card and the one before it are talking about my Job. Guess I need to be more careful, instead of just letting myself HAPPEN to people… and I guess I need to be more optimistic about my last Job and my present one. I admit… I have given up hope. About more than just Work.  

7) What do I need to do? 

Queen of Swords: You have used your mind, truth, and logical thinking to create order in your world. You’ve taken your suffering and joys and married them to a useful philosophy so that you are at ease in the world. You are a good and helpful friend, although some may say you lack emotion. Be aware of depending too much on order. Remember to be flexible when things don’t go your way. Allow others to behave as they believe right. Your ways are not everyone’s ways. Do not divorce yourself from your emotions in an effort to protect yourself. OK, I admit. That’s all true, it’s all stuff I do. I know it’s a problem. I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know how to be open and trusting, flexible and allowing. It’s not that I expect everyone to be just like me, or think like me. I don’t. I know your ways are not my ways. I’m OK with that. But when I see you about to make a mistake, and I tell you the truth, I damned well expect you to listen to me and act on the information. And when you don’t, I get a little pissy. And the rest, that’s all true. And I don’t know how to be anyone else. I don’t know how to not be the me that I am. I don’t know how to be emotional Kat. I don’t know how to be flexible. 

8) What do I need to do? 

Death: Everyone faces death in some guise. Here, we are speaking of a psychological death rather than a physical death. In this card, the skull stares with inexorable resolve. The chilling message is: If you want to move past this point, you have to pass through death. Why would anyone want to; what is the incentive? Death holds the rewards on his banner and shield. The white flower symbolizes a purity of desire, and the white horse a purity of will. Anyone wanting to continue on their spiritual journey needs these. They indicate the death of the ego and with it long-held beliefs that are no longer useful. This must happen to make way for new energy and life. 
The message of Death is that spiritual growth brings pain. It isn’t easy to let go of certain behaviors or beliefs, to admit errors in thought and practice. Without negating the magnitude of ego-death, the emblems of what is to come — greater spiritual strength — remind us that the endeavor is not without its reward. Be aware of the fear of change, of letting go of outmoded ideas. Fear of change leads to stagnation, which might be longer lasting and more painful than a clean death. 
 

9) What do I need to do? 

The Sun: The message of the Sun is that of peaceful contentment with the world and its workings. You understand what you can and don’t fret about what you don’t. You understand yourself and your role in the universe as much as you can, and you’re OK with that, too. Life doesn’t get much better than this. Be aware that you may not be used to such ease and happiness. Be careful not to fight it. Enjoy it as much as you can. Oh, and don’t try to analyze it too much. But… I already know all this – I AM at peace with myself and the universe! Yeah, I don’t know everything, but I know my place, and that’s all I need… And yeah, I’m lonely and that’s depressing, but knowing myself and knowing my place, I’m happy about all that!