HDC Tz – Husband’s Turn

Tonight, we worked on the second Hearing Attunement exercise.

As with SDC E, I had no idea what questions to ask, but this time I had a better idea of what I was supposed to be figuring out, so… I asked him to show me what Yes answers and No answers FEEL like… it was interesting that the same upwards and downwards vibrations along my forehead occurred as with this exercise with SDC E – with upwards tingling meaning yes, and downwards meaning no. I also got the same feeling of either lightness, or heaviness, over my entire aura.

I asked for him to show me what Yes and No LOOKED like… but that answer was so complicated that the colors blurred together and I said, “Right, so we won’t be going by color then.”

Having focused on the feeling and the sensation of Yes and No answers, I finally turned to the question I ask every evening. “What would you like to discuss tonight?”

He wanted to talk about my husband, and his health. In fact, Tz wants me to ask my husband if Hubby would be willing to meet him, and possibly work with him, with the goal of helping my husband get a handle on things.

My husband is allergic to stress. I mean that literally. It’s called idiopathic angioedema and it literally means that his version of a panic attack or an anxiety attack is him puffing up like he’s eaten peanuts while simultaneously being stung by every bee in the tristate area.

The worst part is, sometimes, the swelling is internal. His organs swell. His lungs fill up with fluid and he wheezes like he’s got walking pneumonia.

And lately… we can’t tell when he’s going to have an attack… because it’s gotten so bad, that he’s pretty much allergic to life.

That’s the issue with being allergic to stress… after awhile, even little things will trigger it, until you’re just always having an allergy attack.

So… Tz wants to work with my husband. He wants to help my husband with his breathing, and also help with other areas of hubby’s health that might be adding to the problem.

 

In one of the exercises with SDC E, E mentioned that my husband’s spiritual life needed addressing. He recommended that once my husband starts working day shifts, I encourage him to meditate with me daily, and also begin a daily practice of gratitude at our household altar. (No, not my altar in my sanctum – not his altar in the living room, either… we have an altar set up for our Household spirits, gods, guardians and guides, in our main living space.) I’m thinking that Tz has the same thought.. only he’s decided that he wants to be more proactive, and more of a participant.

So… after I’m done with this post, I’m going to be calling my husband at work and asking him if he’d like to meet a demon.

Granted, he’s relaxed significantly from his original statement 7 years ago, when he told me that I could do whatever I liked, but I was not to bring demons into the house, ever, at all. (You’ll notice I didn’t listen. You’ll also notice that as he got used to my Workings, he just… relaxed and let go… which is why I think he might actually say Yes to Tz’s offer now…) I now have three demons as family members, and I work with various Goety and others fairly consistently.

What helped, honestly, was communication. I talk to my husband about what I’m up to, and the experiences I have. I read him these blog posts. Every experience I have had since I met him that had any magickal, psychical, or spiritual relevance, I have shared with him. He knows about my work with Asmodeus and Astaroth. He knows about my work with the Ubi, and the Cecaelia. He knows of my work with Flauros.

I don’t hide things from my husband. I share them… and I take extreme pleasure in sharing my spiritual experiences with him… and have always been disappointed that, despite his own religious convictions (he’s Wiccan – Old School Wiccan, not this new fluffy bs), he doesn’t do more – on his own OR with me. When we met, he was looking for someone who could accept him and his faith… and I can… and he was looking for someone to practice with…

Instead, it’s become apparent that I’m the only practitioner in the house.

 

So… with the speed of a glacier, I’ve been working to change that. (Trust me, that’s as fast as my Scorpio husband will go.)

I guess SDC E and HDC Tz have decided that they’re going to… press the advantages they have. 😉

 

Before he left for the evening… he bit me good bye… and as I was coming out of the trance, I saw both him and SDC E… and they told me they would be seeing me in my dreams tonight.

I’m now POSITIVE they’re plotting something nefarious.

And I like it.

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Gebo/Gyfu

When I stepped into the rune, I saw a king with a knight in front of him, kneeling to offer his sword. Just as the king offers his protection and that of the whole, a knight offers his sword to be a part of that. That is the true meaning of Gebo… responsibility. My goddess gives me protection in exchange for love and loyalty from me, and both of us give unstintingly, without expectation of return. Gyfu is a gift that requires like to be given in return – it is an obligation… but to give expecting something in return is it’s anathema. 
Gyfu also means marriage, but when I asked the rune if R. and I could make a marriage, I was told no. I killed a piece of me to keep S. alive. It is the part of me that a woman needs to make a marriage with a man. Because that final piece of trust can never be given, being dead, I cannot marry R., even though he’s asked. 

Magickal Need

All magick is based on need. You need something, so you cast for it. Of course, this does not mean you have to need something to make that something happen, but it does help. No, need-based magick requires you to BELIEVE that you need something. You must suspend your disbelief and become utterly convinced, in that moment, that you need this thing you are creating to be, more than you need the very air you breathe. 
Don’t get trapped by the idea that you must have a need before a spell will work. No, you merely need to have the perception of a need – and that is easily created within the mind, as with all perceptions. However, approach this creation of the sensation of need with caution. There is a fine line, which must not be crossed, whereby there is a feeling of need, without there being an actual need. Do not create the loss of the thing you are casting for by becoming too much involved with the need of that thing – need it to already be, without needing it because you don’t have it. One mindset tells the universe to pay attention and convinces It to give you what you’re asking for… the other tells the Universe you actually want to not have it. 

Destruction

I don’t know what to say to you.
You do not know me yet, and yet you think you love me, and you want me to love you too.
You leap off that cliff with such sheer abandon, I could never do the same.
I stand there, frozen in the headlights, trapped by my issues, while you yodel off into the atmosphere, and all I can think is, "No." 
Don’t mistake me – I WANT to love you. 
You’re good for me. 
You’re good TO me. 
You do drink like a fish, but you’re not an alcoholic. 

That’s a little scary.

You’re quitting smoking because I don’t smoke. 
Don’t think I didn’t notice that one. 
You call me every day, on your break at work, just to see how I’m doing. 
You actually expect me to participate in this relationship. 
I admit it… you scare the crap out of me. 
Then again, I scare the crap out of me, too. 
What if… 
What if I CAN’T love? 
I’m drowning, you know. 
It’s not like I show you… 
I don’t show anyone… 
It’s true anyway. 
Grief so powerful, so overwhelming, so enormous I can’t breathe through it… 
Can’t cry it out, can’t do anything but sink… 
And you can’t save me from that. 
You know, when ships sink, there are bodies that wash up on shore that have bruises on their shoulders… 
It’s because sailors, in absolute terror of the death before them, would stand on the shoulders of other drowning victims. 
It didn’t work… 
Which is why I don’t tell you about it. 
You’d only be hurt. 
I may not love you… just yet. 
I may not be able to.. ever… 
But I care enough not to want you to go down with me. 
Then again… 
If you don’t talk about it… 
Can you ever fix it?
Someday, I’ll trust you enough to be the rock I can cry to. 
I wish it was today… 
But I’m just not ready yet. 
This is too new… we’re too young.. 
Someday, I’ll trust you. 
I promise. 
 
Of course, before that ever happens, I will fuck this up. 
Some how. 
I don’t know when or how, but somehow… 
I will fuck this up. 
It’s a universal constant. 
A given. 
You can set your watch by it. 
 

I Hope It Rains.

I long for torrents, dream of drenching drizzles.
I wish for nitrogen green, thunderous black, striking white…
I pray for dreamy reflecting wet, pebbles on the windowpanes, drizzling damp decorations… 
I desire cat-and-dog weather.
I seek sheets, showers, falls, floods – a monsoon of momentous proportions…
Please, may it rain.

*written because I am out at the parents’ place. Hadn’t seen R. in a few days, and if it rained, then he wouldn’t be able to do the yard work for his parents, so he’d come see me instead. I didn’t get any weather, but I did get my wish – he got done with work early and drove all the way out here to see me. Turns out he missed me as much as I missed him. Ain’t it grand. 😀