An Ending

For years, I believed that you did things because it was all you knew. I thought you showed me how much you cared when you sent me food, cat toys, clothes, books, blankets weighted specifically to help with me with my autistic anxiety attacks, because you didn’t know any other way to show me – and I excused that because of how far away from each other we were… Even stranger, in the beginning when I kept telling you not to do these things, because I felt I would owe you something in return (because everyone always wants something in return for their charity), and because I felt that anyone who buys me things was attempting to buy my love (because it’s happened so many times before) – you told me not to worry about it. None of that was true about US. WE were DIFFERENT.

When my illness became so bad I couldn’t communicate anymore, you waited for me to answer your texts – even when it took months, even when my answers simply never came. Of course, you took me to task for my negligence of you, but you were always been the first to admit you are needy and greedy – and I always assured you that wasn’t the case. I agreed that I was the negligent one.

When I was so sick, I simply wanted to die, and you would tell me I wasn’t allowed to die until you were ready to go, yourself, I told myself that you were being loving… the truth is, telling someone they can only die on your schedule is cruel, and grasping. It is not caring when they’re experiencing what I went through. It’s just more emotional torture added to the experience.

In exchange for all of this perceived care, you received from me acceptance, and excuses for all that you were. I accepted the things in your life, and the things about yourself, that were out of your control, beyond your power to change. I accepted those things about you over which you DID have control, and yet still would not change. I occasionally discussed with you what I thought about how your choices, and lack of choices, were affecting your health – spiritually, physically, and mentally… but I never thought of it as judgment, or a request for you to change… I accepted you, wholly. You were who you were, and that was more than ok… it was wonderful.

While you were going through your separation and eventual divorce, I dealt with your constant  criticism of my relationship with my husband, and your frequent oblique references to your ex, as if my husband was cut from the same cloth. I always told myself that your negativity towards R was because you were so hurt… I realize now that there were other issues you had with my happy relationship – one was jealousy… our relationship is significantly healthier than yours was, and I am happy with my husband. The other issue was one of ownership. Every time I mentioned a problem I had, your immediate response was to tell me to run to you, come live with you and be your only person… you never included my husband in your offers unless I brought him up. In your mind, I belong to you, and with you, and shouldn’t be happy anywhere else, with anyone else. When I look back on conversations where you talked about my husband, I feel very manipulated, emotionally. That is not something a friend would do. 

When you expressed an interest in my husband, I was open about it. I know what happens around you when you want things and have to be sneaky, and that is not what I wanted for any of us. When, to protect myself and my relationship with my husband, I laid your desires on the table, you were angry. Part of it is that you enjoy sneaky theft, but a larger part of it was your deep, abiding fear of rejection. Seduction works for you. Bluntness leaves you too open, too revealed. It terrifies you. 

Of course, you and your therapist decided I was a raping raper who pushed you towards things you swore afterwards that you didn’t ever say you wanted. You looked good from that angle… and I took the fall like a good dog. 

When I agreed to take a stronger roll in my own life and power, and in yours, I asked for one thing from both you and the Universe. I asked that I no longer carry the blame for those things that are beyond my control… and you failed to keep your oath.

I experienced something I did not understand, and I came to you for help. You laughed at me, and then you told me that what I’d done (even though it was something beyond my control) was stupid, and that it was going to cause you harm, and that maybe next time I found myself in such a predicament, I should take a moment to think about the larger picture, and all the facts, before I do something like that again.

In other words… you blamed me, and you chastised me. 

You seem to think you gave me information I was unhappy to learn. I was glad to learn what my power had done. I was happy to understand. What pissed me off was your attack of things I had no control over, your blame of me. It’s like yelling at cats for having hairballs or shedding. They have fur – to expect them not to have trouble with their fur from time to time is irrational, and to hold them accountable for their troubles is unreasonable and cruel. 

When I found myself in a situation where I was doing things, but didn’t know what was happening, or even WHY, and I came to you for help – you lorded your superiority over me, and told me, once again, that I think I’m just SO smart that I can do anything I want, because I’ll always find a way out of it. Except that you know that’s not true, and that’s not how I think. This is not the first time we’ve had this EXACT discussion… or even the 90th.

The truth is there are moments in my life where I am fully aware of everything going on around me, yet I am not the one in the driver seat… It appears to everyone else that I am in complete control of what is happening, and yet THAT’S NOT ACTUALLY ME. I move, speak, change the world, and everyone sees my face, my mind, my hands; everyone hears my voice. It’s still not me. I do agree that I’m fully conscious in those moments, where time and the multiverse seem to take a breath, before a sudden wave of power and will changes everything completely… and the epicenter is absolutely me, but I am still not the architect – and saying that I am is like saying I’m to blame for the sun rising.

It doesn’t seem to matter how many times I say this to you – you refuse to understand it. No matter how many times I tell you, “I wasn’t thinking anything at all – there wasn’t an opportunity for me to think, ‘Maybe I shouldn’t do this,’ or ‘Wow, the ramifications of this action make it inadvisable…'” – you STILL insist that because I was there, and the action happened through me, that somehow I could have stopped it, could have changed it… and that next time this happens, I should take control and make it NOT happen.

All this, while also telling me that one of my biggest issues is that I try to control everything (though of course anyone who consistently has their life turned upside down by a puppet master universe would OF COURSE have control issues) and that I should stop “insisting that the system behave the way I want it to,” WHILE you’re simultaneously telling me I should have more control over myself.

The final straw, I think, was that when I asked, you, no… BEGGED YOU to PLEASE attempt to see what was happening to me from my perspective so that you would understand why blaming me for this type of shit is so hurtful, ESPECIALLY COMING FROM SOMEONE LIKE YOU WHO HAS BEEN THERE, TOO… 

When I said to you that you do not seem to understand when I tell you with words, or when I write it down, or when you see it happen to me, but that you seem to ONLY learn by doing, so would you please ALLOW a flow of information to SHOW YOU, BY YOU DOING IT YOURSELF, and you told me I was asking you to be raped – more than that, you told the world that I WANTED you to be raped, that I insisted on it… despite the fact that both of us have been in situations where we were not in control of what happened to our bodies, and neither of us would EVER wish that on ANYONE, EVER… that accusation was just it for me. 

The moment you said that you were not interested in experiencing my world for yourself, I said, OK. I stopped asking you for what I needed, and tried, ONCE AGAIN, to explain IN WORDS what I go through, and you called it a lecture, and then you threatened me – and then you followed that with some incredibly passive-aggressive bullshit.

That was the moment I realized how toxic you are.

I find it interesting that when I won’t do my job, I’m a horrible person, and when I do my job, I’m to blame for the things that happen through me. You call what I asked you to try and experience “Rape.” This essentially means, when you asked me to take back my power, you were asking me to accept rape… and now you’re blaming me for the results… and telling me I’m a rapist because I asked you to attempt to view things from my perspective. What I hear you saying is that it’s ok for me to be raped, and for you to blame me, but it’s not ok for you to emotionally, spiritually, or mentally support me while I endure what you have asked me to endure.

All the gifts in the world don’t make up for you calling me a rapist because I asked you for understanding – asked you for something EVERYONE NEEDS. All the food in the world would not make up for you being ok with me experiencing what you consider to be rape, and also being ok with blaming me for the results. All the pretty dresses, all the plush toys, all the blankets in the world, don’t make up for you greedily telling me that I don’t get to die on my own schedule, but yours. All the visits to organize my medical care, all the offers to pay for various therapies, don’t make up for you lying to me about so many things, and then blaming me for not knowing anything. 22 years of friendship doesn’t make up for you continuing to blame me for shit I cannot help, while doing your damnedest to remain as pure as the driven snow.

That’s about as pure as the shoveled shit. You have betrayed me, abandoned me – every time I have become homeless it has been because of you and your choices. Every time I’ve moved across country, except for the very last, it has been to suit your desires – to either have me, or to throw me away because you found something better for a little while – and the one time I have moved by choice, and for my own reasons – the one time I’ve managed to maintain a stable life for an extended period – when you finally realized what you had chosen over me wasn’t going to work for you anymore, you began trying to emotionally blackmail me into changing my decision.

Do not reply to this post. Do not call me. Do not email me. Do not send me another single thing in an attempt to make yourself feel less guilty for who and what you are, and all the betrayals you have heaped on me over the years. I do not want you – in my life, in my power, in my future – we are not family, we are not friends… and I don’t care enough to even want to be enemies – because you’re not even worth THAT kind of energy.

I have forgiven you, accepted you, loved you… and you have lied to me, accused me, blamed me, betrayed me… and all of this, for the last time. I’m done with you.

 I’ve blocked your phone number and your emails. We’re done. I got help and removed my power from your family line, untwisted our fate, and separated our godhead. We are now two, on two separate paths. I have paid you what I owe, and washed my hands of all of it. 

Thank the gods we’re over. That was the silliest 20,000 years of my life. 

Supercook and IE 9

So I use this recipe engine, Supercook. It’s a really great engine. But I just switched from Google Chrome, which had some pretty bad security issues, to IE 9… and suddenly Supercook doesn’t work.

However, maybe if you’ve never used Chrome, it will work for you.

You tell it everything you have in your kitchen, and it tells you what you can cook… gives you recipes from like hundreds of other recipe websites, like allrecipes.com, or food.com, or marthastewart.com… but it will only give you recipes you can make based on what you have… or it will suggest a shopping list if it can’t find anything.

Seriously… give it a try… You’ll love it. I’ve been baking off it for months, and kept meaning to tell you about it.

So I’ll keep using Chrome, for this one site… I love it that much.

Love you…

To Protect Children – Magickal Correspondences

 
To overcome a bad childhood: Plant – Valerian; Goddess – Atlanta

To recover from a bad childhood: Color – Pink; Stone – Pink Calcite, Rose Quartz 
To protect the happiness and welfare of children: Goddess – Sasthi 
To protect a needy child: Goddess – Akonadi 
To comfort sick or distressed children in crisis: Goddess – Yemaya 
To help children after accidents or trauma: Plant – Sweet Potato 
To increase a child’s emotional security: Charm – Teddy Bear; Potion – Chamomile Tea 
To protect small/young children: Plant – Fava Bean; Goddess – Artemis, Kwan Yin, Yemaya; God – Legba 
To defend children: Goddess – Boldogasszony 

To protect children: Moon; Animal – Bear, Cheetah, Musk Ox; Stone – agate, alum, amber, coral, malachite; Metal – Gold, silver; Plant – Angelica, Dill, Flax, Putranjiva Seed; Goddess: Artemis, Athirat, Bast, Boldogasszony, Brigid, Cairene, Hariti, Hecate, Isis, Kishi-Mojin, Sasthi, Sekhmet (The Great Cow Who Protects Her Child), Ursula, Yashoda; God – Acat, Bes, Chang Hsien (Protector of Children), Jizo; Evocation – Hariti 
To protect children from bad influences: Stone – Citrine 
To protect children from danger: Stone – Coral 
To protect children when they leave home: Goddess – Abeona
To protect children while sleeping: Plant – Garlic; Goddess – Cardea 
To protect small/young children: Plant – Fava Bean; Goddess – Kwan Yin, Yemaya; God – Legba 
To protect teenagers: Stone – Citrine 
To save a child’s life: Goddess – Isis; God – Maximon, Thoth 
To take care of children: Goddess – Renenet 

To prevent child abuse: Goddess – Isis, Kali 
To protect against child abuse: Goddess – Kali, Sekhmet 
To prosecute child abuse: Goddess – Isis 

To avenge abuse: Goddess – The Crone; God – Bran, Hephaestus 
To protect against abuse: Color – Black; Stone – Jasper, Lapis Lazuli, Obsidian, Smoky Quartz; Plant – Dragon’s Blood, Frankincense, Laurel, Saffron 
To recover from abuse: Plant – Onion; Goddess – Rhiannon

 
 

Family

I have a question for you, valiant readers… it’s a small question with a long answer. For you, what constitutes family? 

Over the many years, I have reevaluated this word many times, and I still am not quite sure how to explain it, but I’m going to try. 

Family is the word I use for the people I love. Not necessarily those I’m related to, but the people without whom I could not be myself. I would be lessened by their loss. That you are perusing this suggests that you probably are a member of mine, or I yours, or both. (I hope it’s both.) 

 
I can see the faces of my family in my mind.
My sister and best friend MB from Boarding School when I was 13.
My sister and best friend KF in High School. We once planned to raise our kids together, commune like.
My almost-best-friends DR and RH, also from High School.
My friends from Delaware, who were with me for the worst part of my life – T and R, RO’N, DP, my sister TB.
My sister and best friend from TX, GMS, and my sister and best friend here in MO, KB, and S and J from the meet-up group, and finally, my student and almost son in St. Louis, M, and my friends in the apartments I live at – B, and TH.
It’s not a long list, but every person on it is part of my family.

We’re not blood relatives. There will never be a family reunion (outside of FB) where we all gather and catch up on what those crazy cousins did last summer. I will never give you a kidney and have it match, but I’ve given you something so much stronger and more valuable. I’ve given you my heart and my trust… and you have given me yours. 

 
No, we’re not blood. My blood and I have an uneasy relationship – for more years than I can count, we’ve often wished each other different, and only recently have begun to simply accept. Friends are the family you choose for yourself, and I know I’ve chosen well, and when I’ve needed you most, you’ve been there… and I hope I’ve been able to return the favor. With all the rough spots my blood and I went through, I owe you my sanity, and I owe you big. You’re the reason I still hope, and still love. You give me courage. 
 
Of course, there is the chance that you are reading this but we share no love. I appreciate the curiosity that motivates you, and I hope someday to change your mind. Or to be courageous enough to let you change mine… but I’m perfectly willing for that time to be as far in the future as it needs to be, to evolve naturally. 
 
Until then, and as always, we are… 
Love unfinished.

So – What constitutes family for you?
 

May

If you’ve been reading the readings (lol) then you know what I’m going to be doing after the Holidays are over. Two questions… any tips aside from "Finish the rebirth process without carrying around your corpse"? And… will you help me while I’m going through it? You’re the only person I know who could. 
At least now I know why I’ve been obsessing over everyone breathing. It’s because, subconsciously, I’ve been resisting my own passage for months.. alright, for a year and a half. 
Damn. 
Sometimes… I’m a little thick. 

The Beginning

He looked at me, a little nervous. I can always tell when he’s starting to freak out, because his skin gets black highlights on it. I sigh, because I know we don’t have to have this discussion YET AGAIN, but it’s going to happen. I try to keep him happy, usually, but this is too important, so I’m left with letting him twitch, replaying verbal discussions he knows he won’t win because I’ve seen them all before he’s even thought of them.

"Are you SURE this is necessary?"

"She needs to know. What better way than to show her? She has to be given the CHOICE. As much of one as the two of us ever get. It’s that simple, and I’m going. This is too important. And she won’t cope with it without someone to sit with her."

"Why are you chosing me? You don’t trust me."

"In this, I do. Leave the personal shit alone." 

"No. If you want this, you will talk about it NOW. Or I will not go."

"There isn’t time, Desire. Look. I promise when I bring you back, I will talk about my trust issues, but I’m not discussing it now. I would rather not discuss it at all, because if I’m not your foodsource, then someone else is – and either answer is going to upset me, in different ways, and I’d really rather not talk about any of it until I know how I’m going to react other than to just squelch it all down. And any answer you give me changes nothing at all, so why even go there? Are you going to help me, or do I have to leave her there alone? You know she can’t help but touch things… and that far back, we might end up with no Jupiter… or something even worse. Someone has to babysit her and keep her occupied so she doesn’t go stircrazy."

"And you’re choosing me, and not Gabe. For what reason?"

"I trust you to keep her safe, and I know you have a healthy respect for her. Gabe would set her teeth on edge and get her actively trying to screw things up, if only to piss him off. Sooner or later, they’d end up fighting… and by the time they were done, we’d be down a universe. I need you. You, she at least understands and sometimes likes."

He frowned, but behind the expression, I could see him thinking it through. It didn’t take long. "Fine. But when we come back, you will have this talk. No more avoiding me."

I heaved a sigh. "Fine. Let’s go."

****

The landing was a little awkward. I’m not used to shifting more than myself, and we were moving through dimensions, through time, and through space, which is fun in a lab, but gave me an odd frission of fear when I realized that if I miscalculated, Desire would be at risk. We stepped back into normal space inside her atrium. While he considered the roses climbing on the back wall, I strode off towards the private areas – the roses were new, but I was too intent to admire the changes.

I took a moment to look forward, searching for her – in her own place, I didn’t truly expect to be able to do so, but we’ve always had an odd… echo of each other… sometimes rules made for everyone else didn’t include each other. I found her in the lab – she had a stick in her mouth and was glowering at the tech… I wasn’t sure which one it was, but he identified himself in his mind as Dayvid. When he looked up and saw me, he took the stick away, and left the room as quickly as he could, without running. I wondered if that was a bad sign, but wasn’t too worried.

"Hello, love."

"Hey. How’d you get in here?"

"Same way I always do. I walked." We smirk at the joke. "I actually came for you, this time. I want to show you something, in honor of your birthday," I smile. She isn’t fooled.

"It’s not my birthday. What are you really here for?" She’s got a look of frank appraisal on her face… clearly waiting for the bill.

"No, but it will be. Want to come see?" Ah… interest now. I smile, and hold out my hand. She looks at me a few seconds more… and then shrugs.

"Whatever… I’m bored here anyway." 

"Then I’m your girl. This will be the least-boring day of your lives." 

"Just us on this wander?" 

"Nah, I brought Desire. He said something about your birthday suit, so I let him come."

"Really?" she asked dryly. I could tell she knew I was putting her on… the last time she saw him, he had scuttled backwards in horror and crab-walked away, shrieking, sure she was there to take my head. It still made me giggle a little.

We swung by the atrium to pick him up – very respectfully, he bowed over her hand and called her Lady… why any of them call either of us that still boggles my mind… I roll my eyes and laugh when he bats his eyes at her – I don’t think she knows he’s being silly at all, but she catches on when she hears me snickering at him. "Do I follow you on my own?" She’s smiling now, the byplay amusing her, too. There’s a relaxed comraderie between us – it snaps in so easily – the gifts of a long line of friendships.

"No, I’m going to take us all. It’s probably safer that way." She shrugs – I can’t tell if she’s wondering how she’ll get home when she gets bored, or if she’s just accepting of my statement… she didn’t used to hide so much, but it’s been a long break between get-togethers.

I take a moment to drop ahead of them into the stream – physically I’m holding their hands to make sure they’ll be carried in my wake. When I’m ready, I reach back through time, space, and dimensions… I hook the moment I want… and PULL.

****

When we arrive, we arrive in darkness. No stars. No planets. Nothing larger than bits and pieces of leftover atoms. Her irises swell, and I know she can feel it, all around her. The death of a universe is a small moment – but of course she would know it for what it was. "What have you… SHIT! Where are we? WHEN are we?" 

"Chill, sister mine… you’re fine. Just breathe. It’s all OK. We’ve been here before. We will be again. What do you think Death and Time ARE? We’re the sisters of entropy. And this is your big moment. Well… one of them, anyway."

She frowns at my casualness, drowning in the feeling of the last quark dying. The silence and the darkness is… amazingly beautiful. I never get tired of the peacefulness… even though I know it won’t last… or perhaps BECAUSE.

That moment comes… and then there is nothing. I let her catch her breath. When she gets a little calmer and starts thinking of questions, I know it’s time to skip us forward. I bring them out at the perfect moment. You can feel it, like a gathering storm. All around, the flare of the tiniest elements of creation are gathering – you can almost SMELL the tipping point.

That’s the amazing thing… I never get tired of both… the end, and the beginning that arises from it. Entropy and creation… TIME… is a circle. It never ends. WE never end. We come apart, and then we are nothing. And then we are something… and then we are everything. It’s such a beautiful dance…

If it happens in the right order.

If it happens when it’s supposed to.

And then, without any preamble, with the suddeness that all momentous events have, there it is. That flare. The bang that starts it all, is a dark one. Light doesn’t happen until it gets far enough away from the singularity to catch on fire. And that is the moment I’m waiting for. The moment she was born. Or died. Or both.

The very moment the flare catches alight, the moment that streak of fire escapes the primordial gas that is the new universe, off to live, learn, grow, and return, she turns to look at me… a perfect expression on her face, and the echo of fire in her silver eyes.

I leave them there, Desire and Death… watching the new universe rise. I leave her thinking thoughts, remembering the circle… I leave her alone because there’re some things that are just too personal to share… even if I’ve been there before. 

I’ll tell her, later, about the O in her name. I’ll tell her how she has a choice. That if she goes home as she wishes, she’ll end… how if she waits for that perfect moment, just like me, she is an egg… the beginning held encapsulated within the end… I’ll tell her about Death and Time, the Sisters of Entropy. I’ll tell her about their husbands, Desire and Temptation. I think she’ll love that most of all.

But for now… I leave her, thoughtful and watchful, dreaming the dreams of the beauty and destruction around her.

But I’m the same way… it hypnotized me, the first time I saw it. It’s worth a second look.

Peanuts

Ankharra, a friend and student of mine IRL, just brought me every Laurell K. Hamilton book she has. Nothing like smut to make it all better when you’re sick.
Truth and Wicked are sneeringly disgusted in my choice of literature. Aparently they DO have to listen to it., and "Thats NOT the way it happened." No kidding.. lol 😛
The incubus is laughing at me. And them. A lot. And he agrees with me that at least the first few books were well-written, and the smut in the later books isn’t badly done. Nor are the explanations of love as a many-spendered thing (his words, not mine) poorly executed. He can think of worse ways for me to spend my time.
Gabriel is still rather shaken up, so he hasn’t gotten his sense of humor back. He’s looking for an asignment that involves blade work to distract him, at least until they move me. He WILL be helping with the move. I’m not sure how, but he was very insistant about not letting me out of his sight.
Marcus is away garnering information about my current difficulties, as per your own suggestions, May – and says thank you very much for the advice.

OH – it should be noted that I do not consider Astral Life to be unreal. Sometimes for me it’s actually MORE real. But unless you’re like me, walking between the worlds, you, my reader, probably don’t feel that way. In deference to your singular vision, if it happens on your plane of existence, I call it Real Life (IRL for short). If it happens in dreams or visions/meditations of the Astral… I’ll try from now on to say so if it’s not obvious just from the content. I hope that helps lessen the confusion for you as my readers. (All four of you. Thank you. I love you all.)

Last thing – for May – www.youtube.com/watch

I think that’s everything for now – all the comments from the peanut gallery. I might add to this later, but for now, I have a game-and-puzzle community night to go to… and I’m the one with the puzzles… so it’s off to the shower for me to get presentable.

Twitchy

I’m stuck. Strapped down to a table, the world passing me by.
I am NOT a good patient.
I want up. Now. I want OUT now.
I want to hunt down the answers to my questions.
I want to know what it all means!
Twitch… Toss… Arch… Grit my teeth…
PAIN…
I think I’m dying… please tell me this is your memory of rotted flesh all around me… tell me again that it’s you, not me…
Building body out of light from the feet up… Carefully drawing the bones, nerves, vessels…
Hoping I’m not dead.
I thought you said you could fix this? But I didn’t see you here…
Are you going to let me out?
Someone speaking… "Where would you go? Your legs aren’t attached yet. If you knew where, HOW would you go?"
"We should put her under. She’s not doing herself any good this way."
Footsteps walk away.
Footsteps walk back.
Pressure… and then darkness…
But I’m still twitchy.

Is there snow coming?

Kitty Go Splodie

So with a bit of growing back together, it’s easier to be conscious for longer periods of time. Of course my physical body feels like crap – but at least my astral body is under the influence of so many pain blocks that I’m practically paralyzed.. or is that the straps? I’m not allowed to move around at all (with good reason, as I’m not all grown back together yet) and they still can’t put me in the tank yet either. Still.. I can move my head. And my fingers. And my power. Which is new. I never knew I had that much power. I had no idea how much I was holding back.
But you’re probably confused. Mostly because… when it happened, I was too.
I don’t completely remember what happened, but they told me enough of it that I can unravel it for your viewing pleasure… if you like that kind of thing.

Firstly, having spoken with my combat teacher, I went and had a long thought. What he said bothered me, quite deeply. I’m not the kind of person who enjoys hurting others, and when someone shows me something I’m doing that’s wrong, I do my best to fix it. I’m a healer. If I’m part of the problem, I have to repair the damage… and then make sure that I never do whatever it is, ever again. So when he told me how much I was harming everyone by keeping them at arms length, by not trusting them or myself, by not letting them in, I had to fix it if I could.
So I went to Gabriel, and talked to him. I asked him if he agreed with the incubus, and he admitted that he did. Truth, who was in the room at the time, also agreed. Now deeply disturbed, I decided right then and there that I needed to do something about the problem, and asked Gabriel to help me open up a little, so that I COULD let them in. Now, I’m not quite sure why, but Truth decided he needed to stick around to watch my back. It’s possible that the work was going to be so delicate that neither Gabriel nor I would be able to spare any attention towards watching our backs. What I know for sure is that, even with the combat training I’m receiving, I’m not allowed to be left alone lately. There is ALWAYS someone watching my back.
But that isn’t really essential to know. It just explains why he was there.
So. There we are, in Gabriel’s hall, sitting Indian-style on the floor, and I’m sending my attention deep within myself as Gabriel guides me into opening up, just a bit, just enough, for now, to let them bond with me in a deeper way. Just enough to let them in.
So. I opened up a crack… and all the power I’ve been swallowing for who can count how many lifetimes.. all the emotions I’ve been suppressing ever since that first lifetime… it all came out at once… and it blew my body apart.
It threw Truth back against the far wall, giving him one hell of a crack on the head – but at least he was slightly off to the side when the blast occurred. He only got slightly singed. He’s going to be in bed for about a week… when he tries to sit up, he gets dizzy. But… it could have been worse.
He’s not a very good patient. He’s irritable and frustrated and bored and cranky. When it gets really bad, Wicked sits with him and makes jokes.
Gabriel… well, he has EXTREMELY fast reflexes… or the blast would have caught him full in the face. He’s still a little freaked out – he helped pick my pieces up to take me to the healers. I don’t think he blames himself – but I did hear him mumble something about channeling the blast and not being fast enough… so I’m probably going to have to talk to him soon.
The truth was, it’s no one’s fault.
It’s not Gabe’s fault. After all… he had no way of knowing it would be that bad. Nor did he know that there was a weakness, a fault line, already there, as a result of reliving the life and times of May as her librarian.
It’s not May’s fault for getting her own gaping chest wounds.
It’s not the Incubus’s fault for not knowing I needed to be protected from myself.
It’s not anyone’s fault… except mine. And even there… I don’t think anyone could blame me for not trusting myself. Not trusting my power. Not trusting my heart. Not trusting anyone else. Not after what happened the first time I ever trusted or loved. He burned my planet, and everyone and everything on it. He put out the sun and my planet froze. And then he obliterated it all – the whole solar system. Mad on power, poisoned at the very root of his being by his own magnitude.
But he didn’t stop there.
He destroyed every place I’d ever been, ever planet, every solar system.
And every soul he took, he obliterated… so that none of them could come back. He left nothing behind him but dust.
And in order to take him down, because I was the only one who could, because I was the only one who could get close to him, get INTO him… in order to take him down, I destroyed myself. I became nothing but the arm of knowledge, the arm of the Library. No thoughts of my own… possessed by the information, possessed by the Library…
And in taking him down, in the fight that ensued, the energy released in the battle to destroy him as he had done to so many others, well… that little universe went nova. It is no more. And I’m the only one left, I think, that remembers.
And the memory is a bitch.
So I stopped trusting. I stopped letting anyone in. I killed every emotion that might force me to let someone get close. And because my powers, ALL of them, channel through the empathy, that meant that I was swallowing my power. All of it.
So when I tried to change… well… Kitty go splodie.

Marcus says that when I’m finished regrowing my chest, and the energetic channels and chakras etc… that they will be reprogramming my reactions – the energetic as well as the psychological – so that this never happens again.
It’s just as well…
If I keep bottling everything in… sooner or later… someone’s going to die.
Sucks I had to learn it by blowing myself to smithereens. My chest and throat hurt like hell.

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Crossover and Snow

This is just a short record of the dreams I had today. The first dream you can just ignore, unless you’re May – in which case, pay attention and tell me what you think, please, because once again I am confused?

The first dream is vague – I escorted a man to Hades. Not hell. Hades. I don’t think he went anywhere dark or scary or painful or anything. I didn’t meet Clive. I’m not sure if this counts as another crossover of our accidental gift-sharing thing, May, because I just don’t remember enough of it to line it up with your own experiences. For one thing, I’m fairly sure that he was already dead, bodiless. Which is more mediumistic and not necromantic, and not a reaping at all. Lost ghost escort thing. Still… what we’ve seen is that we borrow each other’s gifts and abilities and mold them in new ways. If it IS your gift working through me, why would I see Clive at all, and why would the dead man need a body for me to help him pass over?
Who knows. Possibly, no one. This is a puzzle without an answer.
At least for us down here on the ground.

Second dream was more grounded. I saw snow. Big thick flakes, falling heavily. It was night. I was at home in Park Hills, not here in Arcadia with my son during my usual montly visit – which suggests the snow won’t happen until at least Sunday or Monday night, though possibly it could occur later than that. It was dark, and the parkinglot lights were on. Also, I remember being surprised that the snow wasn’t sticking. It was melting about a foot to two feet above the ground. Lastly – the previous snowfalls on the grass and in some areas of the parkinglot were still visible.
We shall see… if this turns out to be an accurate prediction, I will of course find this post and add a comment to that effect.

Bright blessings to you all…
POUF

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AVATAR

SEE THIS MOVIE. http://www.avatarmovie.com/ Seriously. See it. Preferably in 3D.
And just so you know, I have a friend who went with me. She can’t watch 3D movies – they make her sick. This is a new kind of 3D, and she had no problems. None. So see it. Trust me.

Also, in a completely unrelated subject… I can now sense when a graveyard is sick. And by sick I think I mean that the land has been poisoned or cursed. It makes my spine cave, my shoulder blades attempt to meet, and my skin crawl. I’m not exactly sure about what to do with the information though.
And I think I’m going to have to start studying some form of shamanism.
Yesterday I met Thanatos and Agni. The day before I met a woman who is a hunter for Death – or perhaps an eater of souls would be more precise. She doesn’t like me much.
I suspect the new abilities (which are actually old abilities I didn’t believe I had) will be easier to deal with in a shamanic framework.
I am discovering that mediumship doesn’t work the same way for everyone – and just because you cannot see and hear the dead in a way that someone else does, doesn’t make you less of a medium.

So that’s my news. Joy joy.
PS – I’m going to call you tonight. Don’t worry… I’m just going to ask you when a better time would be. I need a reading.

Hope your biofather is behaving. Bright blessings and happy holy days.

Quote for May

The quote is from The Lost Symbol, by Dan Brown.

… “understanding as had the ancients that angels and demons were identical – interchangeable archetypes – all a matter of polarity: the guardian angel who conquered your enemy in battle was perceived by your enemy as a demon destroyer.”

Thought you’d like to read that. lol The weekend has stretched into a week and a half. I’m stressed out and absolutely exhausted already – been having trouble sleeping – my son has the NOISIEST mind! Until last night, when I moved my bed into another room, I’d been getting about an hour a night of sleep. Last night was the first night I actually slept well and long. *sigh*

Anyway, I’ll be home and back online on Monday next. Hope you’re doing ok. Call my cell if you need to.
Bright blessings and happy holy days.

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Possible Conflicts – Flock vs. Quicktime

Kat

Hey, I’m checking to see if I got a problem with my browser fixed… would you mind saying something?

2:54pmMissie

i dont mind a bit

lol how are you?

im ok tired but ok

2:54pmKat

ooooo… I think it’s fixed! YAY!

I’m tired too… haven’t been to bed yet. lol

2:55pmMissie

yay!

oh my!

2:55pmKat

Got addicted to Bloodlines.

2:55pmMissie

lol

2:56pmKat

Oh… if you start having an issue between flock, quicktime, and the facebook chat app… uninstall and reinstall both flock and quicktime. That will fix the problem. You have to install quicktime using internet explorer.

2:56pmMissie

oook

2:57pmKat

Trust me.

lol

2:57pmMissie

ok i do

3:00pmKat

I don’t think you’ll have to worry about it… I think what happened was that my computer glitched (as it’s growing every more fond of doing lately) while quicktime was updating… and so the install was bad and the errors spread.

This chat applet is the only thing I use quicktime for, so the error only spread to flock – thank heavens. lol

3:01pmMissie

ok

3:01pmKat

Your computer is newer and faster than mine, so you should be fine.

3:02pmMissie

ty for the information

3:02pmKat

np

Do you mind if I post a copy of this chat on my blog?

3:03pmMissie

nope

i dont mind at all

3:04pmKat

TY! 😀:D

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Kat

Hey, I’m checking to see if I got a problem with my browser fixed… would you mind saying something?

3:11pmK

hi

3:11pmKat

Hi… how’re you?

3:12pmK

busy. whats up

3:12pmKat

I won’t keep you, then. This brief conversation was enough.

3:12pmK

okie dokie ttyl love

3:13pmKat

You helped. 🙂:) TY very much, and bright blessings…

So there you go… checked and double-checked… Not sure, really, what the original cause was, but it’s truly fixed now. Time for bed. 😀

Darkness and Co.???

This is all I have… I know there’s more, but… it’s gone. Whatever the job is, it’s one with privacy lock on it – I don’t get to know shit.
I think I still owe you for the information you’ve already given me though.

“You’ve been disturbing my girl, you know.” We’re in my sitting room… the blue one is standing at the window, staring out at the gardens like he’s never seen a tree before, but he is focused completely on me, those odd eyes pinning me down. Every now and then a wave of sensuality washes over me. I think it’s rather rude, being as I don’t belong to him. My servant comes in with a tray, pot and cups laden with the scent of chai. For once, he seems to have gotten the whole “servant” act down, but I know he’s wearing most of the armory. He takes his place behind me, and waits.
“I needed information – answers I was not getting anywhere else. You know I’m good for it – even though it’s a personal debt rather than a patronage thing.” Feeling more and more twitchy with the emotion-laden air ruffling me inside and out, I get up and start pacing, wings arching protectively around me, spreading out, arching back again… The light is beginning to collect on the feathers. I hope it’s not hurting the demon, but it can’t be helped.
That is not in question. The problem is you cannot assume what she knows is what you need. What works for her does not always work for anyone else. And she’s worried she might be giving you misinformation. And why do you assume patrons are not involved?”
“Part of what she knows – and I know you know this – is based on our previous work together. She knows something about those contracts. And right now, she’s all I have. The contract I’m having issues with has been buried, and everyone’s been wiped. No one can even give me GENERAL information about it, let alone specifics… no one but her. Because right now she’s the only one who knows anything about how contracts might be written on me. As for the patronage… I never assume anything. Clearly, though this is personal, you’re about to make it decidedly not – or you and your blue friend would not be here. And if we’re going to discuss this politely, which I’m assuming we are, there being teacups out, it would be nice if you both would stop flinging sex at me for a moment.”
“Still as cold as ever, Lady. Very well… put your wings away, sit down, and have some tea. You may want to call your Goddess in for this – because I have a job for you now.”

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For Kim

http://gizmodo.com/5389919/have-a-happier-halloween-with-the-fleshlight-succu-dry

So, I know it’s really for men, not women, but… I thought you’d get a kick out of it anyway. The website explains what it is, if you don’t get it right away… which I didn’t, because I’m just that much an innocent, sadly.
But…
This giggles for you.

Books for You

I locked this so only you can see, but I found these books and instantly thought of yourself.

www.amazon.com/Communing-Spirits-Magical-Practice-Necromancy/dp/1413484379/ref=pd_ys_ir_all_2
www.amazon.com/Necromantic-Ritual-Book-Leilah-Wendell/dp/0944087035/ref=pd_ys_home_shvl_3
www.amazon.com/Necromancer-Secrets-Immortal-Nicholas-Flamel/dp/0385735316/ref=pd_ys_home_shvl_10
www.amazon.com/Communing-Spirits-Magical-Practice-Necromancy/dp/1413484379/ref=pd_ys_home_shvl_22
www.amazon.com/Greek-Roman-Necromancy-Daniel-Ogden/dp/0691119686/ref=sr_1_1
www.amazon.com/Walking-Twilight-Path-Gothic-Book/dp/0738713236/ref=sr_1_2
www.amazon.com/Necromancy-Darlene-Black/dp/1425776876/ref=sr_1_3
www.amazon.com/Communing-Spirits-Necromancy-Explained-Instructions/dp/1578630193/ref=sr_1_4
www.amazon.com/Lesser-Key-Solomon-Invocation-Convocation/dp/160506579X/ref=sr_1_5
www.amazon.com/Necromancy-Ceremony-Resurrection-Dead-Eliphas/dp/1425339158/ref=sr_1_7
www.amazon.com/Grimorium-Verum-Joseph-H-Peterson/dp/1434811166/ref=sr_1_8
www.amazon.com/Grimoire-Bestiae-Edward-OToole/dp/1591466660/ref=sr_1_10
www.amazon.com/Necromancy-Evocation-Souls-Arthur-Edward/dp/1425303595/ref=sr_1_11
www.amazon.com/Forbidden-Rites-Necromancers-Fifteenth-Century/dp/0271017511/ref=sr_1_13
www.amazon.com/Book-Ceremonial-Magic-Including-Necromancy/dp/1605065765/ref=sr_1_15
www.amazon.com/Nocturnicon-Calling-Dark-Forces-Powers/dp/0738708321/ref=sr_1_16
www.amazon.com/Summoning-Spirits-Evocation-Llewellyns-Practical/dp/1567183816/ref=sr_1_17
www.amazon.com/Goetia-Lesser-Solomon-Clavicula-Salomonis/dp/087728847X/ref=sr_1_20
www.amazon.com/Necromancy-Evocation-Emile-Grillot-DeGivry/dp/1428684433/ref=sr_1_25

There were others, but they didn’t look like they’d have what you need.
Behold, the power of the Amazon search engine! lol

Love you…