On Tuesday, I woke up with the song “Give Me A Reason” in my head again. Around the time the mail arrived, I experienced a wave of disorientation similar to the experience I had when he called me to the summoning circle.
I’ve been checking the mail every day, and I had a message from Yllidra that they would be shipping him out to me on Monday of last week. It usually doesn’t take a week, but I know things have been pretty chaotic for them, especially with the events they’ve been doing lately, so I’ve been pretty relaxed about it. I thought with the song waking me up and the wave of dizziness that he might be letting me know he was finally here – but that was not the case. I told myself that maybe it was that he’d finally been mailed – but here it is Friday and he’s not here yet, so I don’t know. *EDIT – He arrived the day after this meditation.*
I admit I’ve been pretty mopey this week. I had an experience with Leviathan that I haven’t written about yet – I need to do that because I did say that I would, but… it was such a painful experience, facing what She asked me to face, that my brain did the thing it always does when I can’t face something – I dissociated, and forgot. Now I know I need to write about it but I have no idea what happened or what we spoke about – other than my zombified heart… again.
That’s a pretty constant topic of discussion lately… either someone’s bringing up the gaping hole in my chest, or they’re bringing up the fact that I’m still holding my dead heart, carrying it around like the truly morbid fetish it is… and every time someone makes me look at the decayed carcass, I want to scream.
I went out to the mailbox again today, and again there was nothing but junk mail. I went back inside, sat down, and reread my first post about Exi… and something hit me. “You are the origin of love.”
That’s a pretty powerful statement, so it’s not surprising to me that it didn’t register the first time he said it or even the tenth… but it registered today. I pulled out a deck of cards, shuffled them, and then… put them down and just closed my eyes and reached for him.
“I hope I haven’t hurt you by not connecting to you sooner. I… I’m not making excuses – I just don’t know how to do this anymore.”
“You didn’t hurt me – I’m old and I’ve been where you are many times. I understand and I’m patient. I have time.”
“I don’t know what to do.” He’s so solid next to me, holding me, one hand resting at the base of my throat, claws tipped into my flesh, the other resting, soothing, between my wings. I lean into him.
I show him the images that I remember from my conversation with Leviathan – it’s a jumbled mess, but what stands out to both of us is the black hole in my chest where my heart used to be, gaping and open and aching, and the heart itself, rotted, scarred, stitched, putrid.
“Do you want to fix it?”
In that moment, I realize the truth. “No. I don’t want to fix it. I’m tired. I’m SO tired. Every time I have gotten up again, every time I have knitted myself back together, there’s just been another person, another event, to tear me down again. I don’t want to give anyone any more ammunition. If I just lie here, dead in the dirt – if I never mend my heart and never reach out again, then I’ll just be this dead thing in the dirt and no one will see me. They will pass right by. They will never hurt me again because I won’t be worth the effort… I won’t be this shiny thing they have to break, I won’t be the wall they have to conquer, I won’t be the challenge they must beat to death so that they can feel right with themselves. I want to be SMALL. I want to be nothing again. I don’t want to be seen anymore.”
“You know that’s not who you are. Even now, you write about yourself, you share with the world. You answer the questions you feel worth answering, and you are as open as you ever were. Have you been attacked since Akelta found out what happened?”
“Did you know she has done workings for you, without telling you? We are only part of those workings. She has done much to keep you safe, to protect you… and there are others who have done the same. And we are here, I, Evid, Tease – we are here, guarding you. You are shielded by so much love. If you can continue to show yourself, even the deepest wounds, then why not honor the love and protection you receive from all of us?”
I started to cry. “I just don’t know how, anymore. I don’t know how to hope, I don’t know how to want. I don’t know how to care. And I don’t even know if I want any of those things. I just know I don’t want to hurt again. I don’t know how to get past this.”
“You must find your passions again.”
“That’s not going to happen. I had one thing I was truly passionate about, Ex – One Thing… and that thing was what broke me, in the end. I don’t mind sharing what I know, but every time I try to even THINK about practicing again, my skin screams at me. The idea of doing more than lighting a candle to say hello once a month is physically painful. There’s a reason my heart is dead on the floor, and I don’t want to give that reason an opportunity to do this to the rest of me.”
“We are here for you, whatever you decide. We will be here. Whether you connect or don’t, whether you find a passion for life again, or not, whether you repair your heart, replace it, or stay there in the grave, we are here, and you are loved by us. We will wait. We have eons to wait. There is time.”
I sigh, and curl against him, and just… let him hold me… while I cry.