“(You Are) The Origin of Love”

On Tuesday, I woke up with the song “Give Me A Reason” in my head again. Around the time the mail arrived, I experienced a wave of disorientation similar to the experience I had when he called me to the summoning circle.

I’ve been checking the mail every day, and I had a message from Yllidra that they would be shipping him out to me on Monday of last week. It usually doesn’t take a week, but I know things have been pretty chaotic for them, especially with the events they’ve been doing lately, so I’ve been pretty relaxed about it. I thought with the song waking me up and the wave of dizziness that he might be letting me know he was finally here – but that was not the case. I told myself that maybe it was that he’d finally been mailed – but here it is Friday and he’s not here yet, so I don’t know. *EDIT – He arrived the day after this meditation.*

I admit I’ve been pretty mopey this week. I had an experience with Leviathan that I haven’t written about yet – I need to do that because I did say that I would, but… it was such a painful experience, facing what She asked me to face, that my brain did the thing it always does when I can’t face something – I dissociated, and forgot. Now I know I need to write about it but I have no idea what happened or what we spoke about – other than my zombified heart… again.

That’s a pretty constant topic of discussion lately… either someone’s bringing up the gaping hole in my chest, or they’re bringing up the fact that I’m still holding my dead heart, carrying it around like the truly morbid fetish it is… and every time someone makes me look at the decayed carcass, I want to scream.

I went out to the mailbox again today, and again there was nothing but junk mail. I went back inside, sat down, and reread my first post about Exi… and something hit me. “You are the origin of love.”

That’s a pretty powerful statement, so it’s not surprising to me that it didn’t register the first time he said it or even the tenth… but it registered today. I pulled out a deck of cards, shuffled them, and then… put them down and just closed my eyes and reached for him.

“I hope I haven’t hurt you by not connecting to you sooner. I… I’m not making excuses – I just don’t know how to do this anymore.”

“You didn’t hurt me – I’m old and I’ve been where you are many times. I understand and I’m patient. I have time.”

“I don’t know what to do.” He’s so solid next to me, holding me, one hand resting at the base of my throat, claws tipped into my flesh, the other resting, soothing, between my wings. I lean into him.

I show him the images that I remember from my conversation with Leviathan – it’s a jumbled mess, but what stands out to both of us is the black hole in my chest where my heart used to be, gaping and open and aching, and the heart itself, rotted, scarred, stitched, putrid.

“Do you want to fix it?”

In that moment, I realize the truth. “No. I don’t want to fix it. I’m tired. I’m SO tired. Every time I have gotten up again, every time I have knitted myself back together, there’s just been another person, another event, to tear me down again. I don’t want to give anyone any more ammunition. If I just lie here, dead in the dirt – if I never mend my heart and never reach out again, then I’ll just be this dead thing in the dirt and no one will see me. They will pass right by. They will never hurt me again because I won’t be worth the effort… I won’t be this shiny thing they have to break, I won’t be the wall they have to conquer, I won’t be the challenge they must beat to death so that they can feel right with themselves. I want to be SMALL. I want to be nothing again. I don’t want to be seen anymore.”

“You know that’s not who you are. Even now, you write about yourself, you share with the world. You answer the questions you feel worth answering, and you are as open as you ever were. Have you been attacked since Akelta found out what happened?”


“Did you know she has done workings for you, without telling you? We are only part of those workings. She has done much to keep you safe, to protect you… and there are others who have done the same. And we are here, I, Evid, Tease – we are here, guarding you. You are shielded by so much love. If you can continue to show yourself, even the deepest wounds, then why not honor the love and protection you receive from all of us?”

I started to cry. “I just don’t know how, anymore. I don’t know how to hope, I don’t know how to want. I don’t know how to care. And I don’t even know if I want any of those things. I just know I don’t want to hurt again. I don’t know how to get past this.”

“You must find your passions again.”

“That’s not going to happen. I had one thing I was truly passionate about, Ex – One Thing… and that thing was what broke me, in the end. I don’t mind sharing what I know, but every time I try to even THINK about practicing again, my skin screams at me. The idea of doing more than lighting a candle to say hello once a month is physically painful. There’s a reason my heart is dead on the floor, and I don’t want to give that reason an opportunity to do this to the rest of me.”

“We are here for you, whatever you decide. We will be here. Whether you connect or don’t, whether you find a passion for life again, or not, whether you repair your heart, replace it, or stay there in the grave, we are here, and you are loved by us. We will wait. We have eons to wait. There is time.”

I sigh, and curl against him, and just… let him hold me… while I cry.


Not Broken, Just… Unfinished

I went through life thinking about “wrong.”
I was dark thoughts of a dark world with a dark mind.
I lived divided, my holes made me wholly focused
On filling the emptiness.
But I wasn’t broken… Only unfinished.

There are no answers to all of my questions…
I lack experience. I lack perspective.
I don’t know anything – nothing makes sense –
Because I am a canvas, the brush, and the paint.
I am even the artist, and I’m painting my fate.
I’m not broken, just… unfinished.

I have my shadows, and they make my image.
I don’t need fixing – I’m not wrong for being.
I’m a whole person, a whole painting in motion,
A tapestry growing, a river evolving.
I am not broken, and I’m not finished.

Now say this again, but say that it’s you.
No more cutting yourself up,
Or tearing you down.
Say it again, and think of all others.
Those that you care for,
And those that you don’t.
They don’t need to be fixed –
They’re not wrong for being –
None of them broken – only unfinished.

No matter what judgment you place on another,
No matter their actions,
No matter their trouble…
No one is broken. We’re all just unfinished.

And you’re not my brush, not my artist, nor paint.
And I wouldn’t presume to edit your image,
Because you’re unfinished and not quite like me…
I’m sharing this mainly because I think you can’t see…
No one is broken. We’re all just unfinished.


Heavy, But Not Heavy

I’m changing this section of the blog around. For now, the section on Dark Shamanism will mostly be dealing with what I’m working on, right now.

That includes work with demons.

If you’re not comfortable with that, please, feel free to skip reading more from this section of the blog.


Boo Hag

This article was written by me October 5, 2012, and posted originally to the Creepy Hollows forum.

So if you’ve been reading my posts for a while on the public forum, you know I run a coven, and that we have both a public venue, and a private venue.

About a month ago, through the public venue, I was contacted by one couple (J and A), with a request to come to a public meet. I told them when the next public meet was, and they came.

J is just… Ick. Sucking black aura, and… some kind of foul stickybrownblack taint that I couldn’t quite put into words, and still can’t. Has yellow overtones, but not that pleasant air/intellect yellow, but almost pus-yellow. NASTY.

His wife A is… well, she’s a codependent empath, and a wreck. I’m sure I don’t need to say more.

My first assessment was that J is a psychic vampire, with no control. When he asked for training, I directed him to http://www.kheperu.org/index.html since I don’t deal with those issues. I DID offer to help his wife A to deal with her own psychic mess… but she’s so… insular? Introverted? That she never actually took me up on the offer. *shrugs* Whatever.

Having seen the mess the two of them were in, I made the recommendation to the coven that we keep an eye out, and offer assistance if needed, but that they shouldn’t be welcomed into the inner circle until they got their collective s#it together. I do NOT want a psyvamp in my coven. We’re packing a little too much tasty heat for that, lately.

The Mother of my Coven, R, took over taking care of the situation. She’s also Warrior, so she’s good for that sort of thing.

Oh, so you understand the structure… I am Maiden, and titular head of the Coven (it’s my baby – I started it over four years ago), R is Mother and Warrior, and S. is Crone. Between the three of us, we run the thing. The men trade off being Hunter and Guide… we’ve yet to find who really fits, so we’re waiting for those pieces of the puzzle to come along. S and I are air – she’s shadow, and I’m light. Sh and A are Earth, A is light, Sh is shadow. M and K are water – M is light, K is shadow. We’re still looking for the two for fire…they’re coming soon, but we don’t know who they’ll be. And R is Spirit shadow, but we’re still looking for Spirit Light. T, Rn, and Jf are our Black Dogs. Oh, and we’re not a religious coven… we’re strictly a Magickal Emergencies coven.

Anyway, that’s the basic layout… back to the story… R, as she went along, discovered that no, J is NOT a psyvamp… he’s actually being RIDDEN. We’re talking a multigenerational blood-curse, BA entity. J is an amplifier, so the entity has been using him to amp up the energy in those around him, and eating that energy THROUGH him… and it’s been with him so long that he actually thought it was just him in there. Only suddenly, the entity decides that… it’s done with him. Here’s this tasty baby, all light and innocent, just waiting. So the entity has decided to suck J dry, and when he dies, the entity will be released to jump to the next in the blood line – said infant.

SO… First step… WTF IS this thing? It’s not a demon. Did some research. He’s creole. Ok. Now we know where to look. We find… BooHag.

Oh, and their home is FILTHY – physically AND psychically… so we cannot just evict this entity from J… we have to clean, then cleanse, the entity’s NEST (their home) too, so that the entity CANNOT COME BACK.

Here’s the following research (all comments made by me to R in the process of scheduling cleaning, cleansing, exorcism, etc)… Just in case you ever need it.

“boo hag
a ghost or spirit that lurks around your house looking for someone to ride and take your skin. you may feel some weight on your back. They can enter through cracks in the wall or small crevices. The only way to get rid of it is to burn it by putting some needles in a jar and a little bit of dry skin, sleeping with a fork under your pillow, putting a broom by your door boohags will stop and count the straws,and putting a gun next to your bed boo hags can’t stand the smell of gun powder.Boo hags will steel your skin and take your breath so you cant talk out or scream. So when you wake up you might feel light headed or weak.”



Salt and pepper on the skin, sparklers or fireworks work, also open COLD IRON scissors under the bed. (Steel will work, but DO NOT use plastic ANYWHERE.) Put a large broom at every entrance (including windows), and little brooms beside every sleeper. New unused brooms. Can get them cheep from walmart right now because it’s Halloween.

A full cleaning, cleansing, clearing, banishing and REFILLING of him and his house. Again, the house NOT being CLEANED FIRST, the cleansing etc WILL NOT STICK… which means we’ll have gone through all this effort for nothing.

Also, perhaps we could find broomstick charms to hang on necklaces for the infant and Jon.

Actual Exorcism… mix equal parts gunpowder, salt and black pepper, and throw it on the victim.

So.. gotcha a name, and how to fix it.

The cleaning of the house… they have to wipe down the walls and clean out the cupboards – wipe down the insides and the doors, everything. They have to REALLY clean the house. Or they’ll end up reinfected in a month. If it’s not clean, I won’t bother doing this. I’ll protect the kid, and walk away.
They’re also probably going to have to do this cleansing every moon for a really long time… because it’s a generational bloodcurse, and the boohag may just be waiting in the background, for them to slip up and stop doing the cleansings and protections. The moment they let their attention slip, the moment they start letting their house get filthy physically and the psychic cleansings stop working, it’ll be back.
If at all possible, ALL FAMILY MEMBERS HAVE TO BE INVOLVED IN THE CLEANSING, the physical AND the spiritual. If Amanda does ALL of it, and he just sits around, it’s not going to work. The kids have to help by doing what they can, too.
I get that a baby can’t help, but the ones that can, MUST.
Even if it’s not actually helpful. lol
The ACT OF THEM BELIEVING they’re helping will provide them with protection.
Finally, they need to totally abstain from drugs and alchohol for six months after the exorcism – a boohag can use intoxication to reinfect.
The fact that this is multi-generational suggests that substance abuse is a BIG part of the problem, too. It makes it REALLY easy for the boohag to hop from body to body. It’s probably the catalyst to make the next target become the next vessel… until the target makes the right misstep to make itself vulnerable… The Boohag might wait to take full possession of the baby, only INFULENCING, until the baby makes the right wrong decision to jump into her. If that makes sense.

ALso… say the boohag destroys Jon… is it possible that the boohag maintains itself by inhabiting the ENABLER until the chosen vessel is READY? Is it part of the process, by influencing the mother to set the baby up so that when the baby gets old enough, the child will MAKE those missteps. Essentially keeping the cycle going by making sure that mom keeps dating fucked up druggie guys, which will screw up the kid.

I mean… it would be really easy to do. Just like… someone who comes from poverty and uneducated people, family who puts ZERO emphasis on education… the children don’t graduate from school because they end up staying home to do the housework and take care of the other children… they stay in poverty, they have no impetus to do anything else, they start drinking and doing drugs right away, they don’t go to college, they don’t improve themselves, and their parents encourage it… so they end up victims of things like this. It’s just easy. And then they go and do it to the next generation.

If the mother is INFLUENCED to set the baby up to fail like this… then the baby will be prime rib when it’s old enough to fall.

A lot of the time, when people talk about being cursed, they’re not actually cursed, so much as there are fucked up people creating more fucked up people. If you put the right dominoes in the right spots, you knock down the next person just like YOU were knocked over. It’s not so much a curse as it is a setup.

Also, a jar full of pins under the bed or beside the bed of anyone you wish to protect from this thing. Forgot to mention that.

AND – if you’re going to throw a handful of salt, pepper, and gunpowder at someone… take sensible precautions.

Finally… burning some exorcism herbs are a good idea here while you deal with evicting the entity from both the body and the home, followed by a lemon uncrossing spell, followed by smudging the crap out of both the house and the people, especially the victim, followed by a ritual cleansing bath for the victim that includes cleansing herbs and seasalt, followed by the burning of sweetgrass to bless the house.

Aftercare should include all the above on a monthly basis, plus the pins, scissors, brooms, etc as a precaution, plus wards, shields, a permanent protective circle, the appropriate crystals and metals scattered throughout the house to support the wards, shields and circle, possibly a few protective runes on the walls of the home, copious amounts of moon water for blessing the inhabitants of the home on a regular basis… you know, the usual. Oh, and a devil’s trap or several dozen. Just to be sure.

In the case of these two individuals, I chose not to recommend spirit keeping. She’s got four kids (the husband included) to look after, and she’s so squashed I doubt she’d do well by a spirit, even if a spirit would be good for HER. Second… he’s one of those people who just sits on his butt all day playing video games – he doesn’t cook, clean, or help with the kids. He doesn’t work (admittedly, he IS disabled). I wouldn’t normally have an issue with that – I’m disabled, so I understand. However, I still manage to do SOMETHING every day. He just plays WOW and mooches. And while he’s not currently using, he’s been to jail for meth – using, making, dealing. GRRR.

However… if you run across a case like this on your own… you may want to include keeping spirits, or various spelled items as a boost to what you’re already doing, and on an individual basis of assessment, that might be a good idea, or it might be a bad one. Use your best judgement.

Oh… and if you’re going to do something about something like this… make sure you’re not wasting your breath, your energy… in this case, I wouldn’t have even bothered, except that there was a baby in the mix. These two adults are their own biggest problems, and I’m more likely to let them sink, because they’re not worth my energy… but the infant… that’s an innocent. That IS my job. That IS worth my time and energy.

So… there you go. If you ever run into a BooHag… now you know. *plays The More You Know themesong*


More Litter

Sometimes, I wonder if he’s a serial killer. I mean, he doesn’t even kill bugs, but he’s almost too perfect. So I wonder if maybe some day the cops will show up at my door, and I’ll discover he was a secret sociopathic narcissist all along, and the whole time we’ve been together, the world has been littered with bodies.

Forget, forget, forgotten…
Remove this thought from me.
Forget, forget, forgotten,
No longer live in me.
Forget, forget, forgotten,
From this I now am free.
Forget, forget, forgotten,
Three fold, so mote it be.

Psycho Tag

I’m creating a new tag, called psycho. You’re the only one who gets to read it, because it’s trash. I have all these thoughts in my head that I need to get out, because they’re not based on reality…

Thoughts like…

When I hear him blowing his nose in the bathroom, I wonder if he’s snorting coke.

I know he’s just blowing his nose, but… I still worry.

I should explain…

I’m dating a guy whose never done drugs except for some pot in college – and he doesn’t use drugs now – any. Not even prescriptions for reflux or allergies. NOTHING. He doesn’t even drink hard liquor… he sticks to beer, and stays home when he drinks.

But I have these thoughts, anyway.

These thoughts… they’re making me psycho.