Working with Asmoday – Exercises and Results

Last night, I was so tired I was having trouble keeping my eyes open. I crawled into bed, and I had JUST gotten comfortable… and suddenly I was wide awake. I could feel that subtle nudge – “Go to your ritual room and meditate.”

“NO. I JUST got comfortable. I need to sleep.” I snuggled deeper into my blankets… but I already knew, sleep wasn’t going to happen. I sighed to myself, and said, “Fine. I’ll meet you half way. I’ll stay here, but I’ll still meditate.”

With my eyes closed, curled up in my blankets, I visualized myself getting out of bed. I went over to where my robe hung, and put it on. I walked into the hallway, and through the living room, into my ritual room. I sat down on my meditation chair, and picked up the box of matches. I lit a match and the scent of sulfur wafted up to me. I lit my black candle, already set up on my altar. And then I realized that, once again, I’d forgotten the incense. I got up, and went back into the living room to the coffee table. I pulled out the drawer with the herbs, and picked up the box of Nag Champa incense sticks, and pulled one out. The powder dusted my hands, and for a moment, I enjoyed the sweet smell. I put the box back, closed the drawer, and walked back into my ritual space and sat down again. I held the stick of Nag Champa to the candle flame – it shook like always, and I had to use two hands to steady it. When it caught, I waited a moment, and then shook the flame away, and placed the smoking stick into the holder.

In my mind, I closed my eyes, sat back, put my hands on my knees, and began to breathe. As I breathed, I counted. Three, three, three. Two, two, two. One, one, one.

I couldn’t remember His Enn. I haven’t worked with Him enough to have committed it to memory. “Asmoday, I invite you to my ritual space.”

I waited. It didn’t take long before He was there. He’s thinner than I remember, but His black hair is the same. “Ok. I’m here. What are we doing?”

He hands me a ball, charged with energy. I remember this – I have a ball made of real rubber – it’s actually a racquetball – and when I’m teaching students to sense energies, I will charge the ball with a specific type, and then have them hold it and tell me what the energy is.

“Match your aura to the energy,” He tells me.

I take the ball from Him. I Look, and say, “Fire.” The ball is flame. My aura does not shift.

He takes the ball back, charges it again, and hands it to me. “Ice.” Again, I cannot make my aura shift.

He takes the ball back. “Are you Seeing, or Sensing the energy?”

“I’m only Seeing. I can’t sense it at all.”

He sighs at me. “You are so stubbornly pig-headed. Why are you not doing this?”

“I keep trying. I can’t sense anything. I’ve tried everything, but I just can’t do it.” I’m frustrated, and I feel depressed. I can feel the block. I just can’t make it go away.

“Let’s try something else then.”

I feel Him Calling to someone, and then almost immediately, Rashoon is behind me. She wraps Her arms around me, leaning over me like a blanket, a protective shell. I snuggle into Her embrace, and I can feel myself melting, the tension in my body evaporating.

“How do you feel right now,” He asks.

“I feel safe. Protected.”

“Good. Let’s try again. Shift your aura.” He hands me the ball again. It’s fire, but this time, I can see beneath the fire. I can see the sparks of His energy that make it fire. And then, I sense the vibrating string which makes the whole of it… and the second I sense that string, my aura SHIFTS.

He reaches out, and touches the ball, and now it is Ice again… and my aura shifts. He touches the ball again, and it is Shadow, and I can feel myself stilling, sinking, darkening. He reaches out and changes the ball back to ice, and again, I shift.

“Good. Now We know. Now We can help,” He says, and then I’m back in my bed, and They are gone. I’m sweating, my whole body flushed with heat.

I get up and go into the living room to the coffee table, and open the drawer where I keep my scented tea lights. I pull out one of the red ones. The scent is “Sensual Passion.” Right now it’s His favorite. I put it into my amethyst holder, and light it, and finally, I’m sleepy again. I crawl into bed, His offering a soft glow beside me, and fall asleep.

And then I dream.

 

I’ve been gone a month, staying with my mother. I’m finally home, and I came home in the dark and went immediately to bed. When I wake up, the curtains are messed up. I go to fix them, and there’s things stuck to the windows. An infrared security camera pointed at the alley. A planter, sideways, with spider plant in it. And then I notice that there’s a cat bed, and a bowl with cat toys. I realize the planter is for the cats, and try to put it back. It won’t stay. I put the planter down on the floor, and finish fixing the curtains. I can ask Robin later to fix the planter again. There are cardboard boxes all over the floor, and I start to gather them up to throw them away. Seed packages go everywhere, and I realize that while I was gone, Robin had been thinking of me, and how much I love green growing things in the house. He’d bought seeds, and soil, and pots, all ready and waiting for when I came home. I feel so loved. I gather up the seed packets and put them neatly away, and leave the bedroom.

The living room is a disaster. There’s crap EVERYWHERE… and there are two strangers, a man and a woman, in my house. I don’t know them, and they don’t belong there. I scream at them, “Get out of my house!” I chase them out. I’m so angry. I follow them out of the house, still shouting. I want to call the police. I’m looking for the apartment manager – I want to let him know about these strangers who are squatting in my house.

One of the demons who lives with me comes up behind me. I can’t tell if it’s Euild or Teaze. I just feel him like a protective shadow, a few feet behind me, exuding strength. “Do you need help?”

“I need to get their stuff out of my house.” He nods, and we go back to the apartment, and begin to clean. I throw electronics I don’t recognize out the front door. I’m throwing puzzles into the trash can, and little tabletop gaming models, and trash. SO much TRASH. I’m overwhelmed. “I don’t know what’s ours and what’s theirs!” I’m so angry and upset I’m trying not to cry.

The man comes back into the house and sits down in front of me. I want to hurt him. I want to tear into him, I want to see him BLEED. I start throwing things at him – anything I can get my hands on – a yellow coffee cup full of some kind of liquid, a clay bowl, other things. I run out of objects before I run out of rage. I shove the coffee table up against his legs so he can’t leave. I start to crawl towards him. I’m still so angry, still raging, I want to destroy him. “You have a spare bedroom. Why won’t you share it.”

“That is my SON’S room. You will NOT take my son’s room away from him. You will not take that away from ME.” I’m even angrier. Just because my son doesn’t live with us does not mean he can just steal my house, THAT ROOM, from me. I feel murderous.

The woman comes in, and I find out that they have a third person, someone not well, sleeping on the couch in the spare bedroom. I force them to leave again, and I follow them out. The neighbors are all concerned, trying to help.

Once again, the demon is there, behind me, supporting and strengthening me. “What do you need?”

“Right now what I really WANT is a very rare steak.” I’m still trying not to think about how badly I wanted to rip the man’s throat out with my teeth. Gnawing on steak is a safe alternative. Wisely, my demon says nothing as he follows me, still raging, back into the house.

 

I wake up, and I understand EXACTLY what the dream was about. When you dream of a house, the house is an image of you – your emotional and psychological insides.

Empathy made me feel invaded, all the time. I was full of junk – pieces of other people’s lives. It was a mess, and I could never tell what was mine, and what was anyone else’s. People took up my space, and parts of them hid in places I believed sacred. My son’s room may be empty, but it is still HIS. It will ALWAYS be his – that’s my CHOICE. It was never my choice to have everyone ELSE in that space – in ANY of my space. They just moved in and took over, strewing their messes everywhere, surrounding me with detritus, the flotsam and jetsam of their lives.

I never felt safe, and I was always ANGRY. No matter how careful I was with people on the outside, on the inside, I raged at them all, wanting to hurt them as much as I was being hurt by them… and in the end, when it cost me everything, when I died because of their messes… I wanted to murder them in return.

I miss a lot of things that my empathy let me see… but I’m still so angry, and so traumatized, and I still haven’t been able to finish cleaning up the mess. I still can’t tell the difference between myself, and theirs… so I resist. I block it out. I REFUSE, at a base level I have no control over, no awareness of.

It’s going to take a long time, a lot of patience, to help me feel safe again. I’m not afraid of the work. My empathy IS under my control, or I wouldn’t be able to block it so effectively… and the exercises with King Asmoday show me, over and over, that sensing, even shifting to what I sense, does not mean drowning. It doesn’t mean Becoming, it doesn’t mean being invaded and violated.

The wounds are deep. The work is worth it.

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Needs Met

I worked with King Paimon again this morning. However, I did not cast a circle (didn’t have time), or write His sigil on paper to be burned (again, no time) because I forgot what day it was until about three minutes to sunrise. I’m glad I remembered and was able to get into my ritual space, grab the bells, light His candle and some frankincense for Him, and begin chanting His Enn.

It didn’t take long for Him to come to me, once I settled into the energies. He again introduced me to King Asmoday, and He has instructed me to begin working with Asmoday as soon as possible. He also wants me to start working on my relationship with my husband (we have a really good relationship, but between our schedules, we’re not as close as He thinks a married couple should be) and so He has requested that I also devote one day a week to working with Rashoon.

To that end, my husband bought me two yellow 7day candles, and one pink one, some more frankincense incense (which he hopes will smell better than the frankincense that I use – except that his is just organic bulk, and mine was harvested by an incense specialist, by hand, from different types of frankincense producing plants all over the middle east, and is neatly stored in separate bags, by origin and type – eg, Beyo, Boswellia carteri, origin: Somalia; Cricognimu, Boswellia dalzielii, origin: Burkina Faso; etc – if you’re interested in the company, it’s Ethereal Aromas Incense Company http://www.eaincense.com/ and trust me They Are Worth It).

I’ve also agreed to start a new thread for my work with King Asmoday, and a thread for my work with Lady Rashoon. I’ve been told that the reason my post about my Journey work to fix the issue I had with rejecting my empathy was because it was work I did with Lord Asmoday, and therefore should have been on HIS thread, not on King Paimon’s thread, even though King Paimon brought King Asmoday in and introduced us to make sure I understood I should work with Him on that front.

 

One of the things that really struck me was, when I was asking if there was anything I needed to be doing, King Paimon stopped me, and said, “Is there anything YOU need?”

I immediately said, “No,” because there really isn’t… and then I realized I’d answered too quickly and not actually thought about it, which was what He wanted me to do – to THINK about What I Need…

So I did. I came to the same conclusion – there are some things in my life that aren’t very smooth, but there’s little that can be done about them, and aside from those hiccups that can’t be solved, I really have no needs or complaints. And maybe that’s the most important thing I got out of this morning – the realization that I have what I need.

King Asmoday has been with me almost every night – He always comes in the form of a dog with coyote colorings, including the banding – but still very definitely a dog – and I feel very safe and protected whatever we get up to. Some of what I’ve been dreaming just seems like nonsense, so I haven’t written it down, but I did take a moment this morning to let King Paimon know that the level of attention I was receiving was very comforting, and exactly what I’ve needed for so long – and knowing that King Paimon is behind King Asmoday’s coming to me every night, knowing that my Lord has an interest in the health of my relationships with others, knowing that if I DO need anything, I have someone I can ask who will respond, knowing that if there’s something I need that I don’t recognize, that He will step in and call my attention to it… it is so freeing, so soothing.

I am loved. I am lucky. It is enough.

Reintegration Struggles

As I leaned on the damp balcony rail, looking out over the pale rising light, I was also reaching within me, testing the return of my Gift.

The reintegration is not going well. After my ritual on Sunday, I had a very restless night, and the reason is that as I was beginning to fall asleep, I felt something enter my body. I could literally SEE another body inside with me. It frightened me and I fought to push it out, even as I knew that it had something to do with my Gift – but because it was so unexpected, so overwhelming, I simply reacted and shoved. And then every time I started to drop back off to sleep, I’d panic and jolt awake.

I know it wasn’t a possession. The body didn’t feel like a god, a lwa, or one of those nasty little pests that infect the weak minded. It was made of light though it didn’t FEEL like light. It just felt… solid. And I KNEW I was supposed to be merging with it, not fighting it, but I was so reactive, I couldn’t help it.

So the next day, I tried to fix what I’d done… and it didn’t work as well as I’d hoped, because I then had a dream that if the rejection won, the power would have to go somewhere, and it would most likely hit my son – who is absolutely not prepared for anything woo in his life. My mother raised him as an atheist.

So… I went back to the place where my vision started – the standing stones with their gems of many colored light. I gathered up the light, and swallowed it. And then I tried again to blend with the power I’d rejected so violently.

Right now, I’m at a standstill. I can feel it half in me and half out… that body of power… I can feel the anxious tension between us… but I can’t seem to get further than this.

At sunrise today, I finally decided, I need help to fix this.

I stood with my arms on that damp balcony rail, and I spoke His Enn until I felt His presence.

“I’m stuck. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to fix this. Can You help me?”

“Ah, my lovely girl, you know this is your task. This is your challenge. You must find the answer to this puzzle on your own.” I feel His hand gently move my hair from my face.

“I’m afraid. Will You stay with me while I work on it? Will You hold my hand?”

“I am always with you. All you need do is ask and I am here.”

“Thank you. I’ll work on it again today. I tried to get You rain water, by the way. It’s not working out.”

“Psh – the purified water will do until the rain water comes. A drop of blood in it would be better though.”

“I’ll look for the kit. If we kept it, I know the three most likely places to look. If I can’t find the kit, You will have to wait on that, too, but I will make it happen when I can.”

“When you can. Enjoy the day, my lovely.”

Taking Back the Heart

Earlier this week, we had spoken very briefly to decide when He would like for us to work together – to set up a regular schedule. Paimon’s correspondences include the planetary body, the Sun, as well as the astrological sign Gemini and the directions West and Northwest. Because Gemini is associated with dawn, and because the sun is, as well, we decided that Sundays at dawn would be a good time for us to meet, to start.

I set my alarm for 6 AM, because the sun rose today at 7:18 here in Missouri, and I wanted enough time to ready my ritual space and myself – however, my downstairs neighbors woke me at four, and the cats dragged my happy ass out of bed by five.

I took a ritual shower (I do ritual baths for major ceremonies that I have at night), set up my space, created a new sigil for him (my first, the image on the tablet kept jumping all over the place, so it was… rather messy), set up my altar, put a fresh yellow candle in the center of his offering dish, poured some purified water over the dish as well, lit the red candle for fire and the incense charcoal in the cauldron, and added frankincense resin to the charcoal. I stirred the sea salt to make sure it was still fresh, and cleaned the bowl I use for my water offering, and poured more purified water into it. Finally, I lit King Paimon’s candle from the candle for fire.

I drew a second copy of His sigil, this time without the circle, on a small piece of paper.

I took off my robe, centered myself, and cast my circle, inviting the elements and their Kings, using the Demonic Lord’s Enns. I then settled into my meditation chair, and focused on my breathing. When I felt I was ready, I began shaking the bells rhythmically as I chanted King Paimon’s Enn.

When I felt the power swell within me, I held the sigil to the flame from His candle, and when it was burning well enough, I dropped it into my larger cauldron.

I closed my eyes, re-centered, and waited.

It wasn’t long before I felt his hand on the middle of my back, over my heart, just below my shoulder blades. I breathed into the energy, and said, “I don’t know how to take back my heart. I died. I sacrificed it to come back. I wouldn’t even know where to look… and I’m not sure I want it back. I don’t want to be manipulated and used anymore.”

He smiled. “You have already learned how to draw in your aura. You will never again be a victim of your empathy. I know you miss the Song. I know you feel the hole. Let me make you whole again. Here.” In His hand was an orb of energy, a riot of rainbow. Every color of emotion, swirling madly in his palm.

I considered the hole in my chest, the feeling, after all this time, of jagged, sharp edged wounds unhealed. His had on my back supporting me, I took a breath, and said, “OK.”

Gently, He placed the orb into my chest. Immediately, I felt it begin to connect to me, mending broken strands of me, weaving me back together. Like an infection, it sped through first my physical energetic systems, and then slowly began to infiltrate my other layers, binding to every chakra along the way. As we watched, and occasionally He directed my attention to a new layer or a new area, the Gift that all of my abilities rests upon came home, and finally, I understood. Not an infection at all, but instead, my foundation, my stability, my strength. I watched as this rainbow of power healed places that I didn’t even know were broken, re-weaving me into wholeness.

As everything finally settled, He patted me once more on the back. “Good. Better. You will need rest now. And water. It must settle. Do nothing yet. Wait. When you may extend yourself, I will come to you.”

I opened my eyes, bowed before my altar, gave thanks to my Patron and to the four Elemental Kings and to the All, put out the candles, and went out to greet the day.

I admit, I did try to stretch, just a little bit, while outside. I couldn’t reach very far, but I could feel the difference. Now I have to actually WORK to stretch my aura. It has learned to stay close to me. I am not a victim of my empathy anymore, and never will be again.

And finally, after years of silence… I heard the Song. Just the edge of it, but it was enough. I almost cried.

Keeping an Oath

The circle is cast, the candles lit, the offerings made. His sigil is painted in gold on canvas and laid on the altar.

I breathe in, and out. In, and out.

In my hand, I hold a bracelet made of bells. As I breathe, I shake the bells in rhythmic time to my breath, as in my mind His Enn echoes… “Linan tasa jedan Paimon, Linan tasa jedan Paimon, Linan tasa jedan Paimon.”

I see a thick rope of energy stretching out into infinity before me, a cord built of Enn and Name. I reach out and take hold of it, resolved to follow it to its end and Keeper.
I plummet, and find myself surrounded by mists, in a circle of worn down rocks. Each stands as tall as I, and each has a gemstone at about heart height, all the gems producing pastel light through the vapor around me. I see ballet slipper, butter, cerulean… I know there are more, but the world is wavering before me, as if the mist has been parted by a frameless window. Through it, I see the desert.

As I try to see clearer, I feel an odd… shifting/falling/spinning… and then I am surrounded by sand and heat. A sharp wind whips me with small grains, pushing me forward, and to the right. I look in that direction and begin to walk.

It’s not long before I find a scorpion. It’s nearly a foot long, almost see through. My mind tells me to be wary, but emotionally, I feel no fear, no concern. I find myself remembering the fifth pentacle of Mars seal of Solomon, the scorpion seal for protection and reversal of negative energy, which at the end of my long illness was so pivotal in my rebirth. I reach down, and stroke the scorpion in gratitude for its message and its nature, and then I walk a wide circle around it to the left, and then continue straight, again letting the wind show me the way.

Sand wafts like smoke signals before me, and I follow them.

I come to a clay vessel buried in the desert soil. As I gently brush the sand away to unearth it, I find it is nearly three feet tall, but it weighs very little. It is still sealed shut with wood and tar and leather, and both handles are still attached. The pottery feels slick and cool, and oddly smooth and pitted at the same time – as if I am feeling both the present and the past all at once. I open it to find water. As I drink, I find beneath the water dates, raisins, and figs, and chunks of spices and resins. Under the fruit and spices, I find scrolls, fragile and ancient, their ink long since vanished away. Finally, I find flakes of gold, as if the inside of the urn was once gilded, and time washed it all to the bottom.

I understand, these are the riches I carry within myself – a symbol of the gifts I carry in offering to others, and also a representation of what is being offered to me.

I hoist the urn up, and with rope, I place it on my back to carry with me… and then I move forward. The wind turns me again to the right, and before me I see ruts in the sand, as if many wheels have passed. I find this strange – wheels would bog down in the granulated earth – and then I see that there are stones, a road, paved through the desert. I follow the grooves.

There is another strange skipping sensation, and I am standing beside stone walls. They have been worn away with time – most are buried in the sands, but what remains only comes to my knees in places. I reach out and rub my hands on the bricks, feeling their rough, weathered texture against my palms. As I take my hands away, I rub the grit off between my fingers. I feel an enormous sense of pleasure in the feel of those stones and the dust of ages – a feeling of deep appreciation for the history they represent. This is a City. There is a sense of City as an energy, a human experience. As I touch the walls, I feel in touch with times beyond my memory… and yet I see the days when the City stood as if I lived them – as if I REMEMBER them.

I have a sense of someone with me, now, behind and to my left. I cannot see them – I am focused on the arch that has appeared.

I walk through the entrance, and there is another twist to reality. I am at an ancient well in the center of the city. I have a sense of the city both alive and dead around me as I kneel at the well. I take the urn off my back, and use the rope to send it down into the well. I’m not sure if I’m offering what’s in the urn to the depths, or if I am drawing something out of them with the vessel. Perhaps it is both.

I see a male hand held out to me in offering. It is brown, and callused. As it reaches towards me, I can see a silk cuff at the wrist. I hear a man’s voice say, “Take back your heart, Sister.”

I’m hesitant. I’m not sure if I want to…. but, I take the hand, and feel it help me begin to rise up.

My eyes open. I offer my thanks, and open the circle.

What’s In A Name?

He stands before me, silent now. Before, when He was so determined to catch my attention, it was as if the entire world was crashing into my awareness. Always with His coming, I fracture, so great is His noise, but once He is before me, all is still. The pause between moments, the in-breathing before magick Happens. I revel in that stillness – for a person of my sensitivity, it is a gift – and worth all the pageantry and near-trauma in His coming.

We regard each other. I know it’s not time yet, but clearly, He has a reason. I have been overset for two days now – my attention pulled every direction, my wits scattered, even my sleep distracted. It took time today to relax – I awoke unhappy and unable to settle. Two days He has tried my defenses, and finally He has found the Moment, and has no more need to shout.

Of course, after all that, I’m the one who speaks first. “Who were You?” He arches one fine black eyebrow at me, and I shake my hand. “No, I don’t want your Name. That would be silly – besides, I don’t have one, so why should I ask for Yours? No, I want to know who You were back then. I want to know more about You, Your history, the culture You were part of, the traditions, the mystic paths. You know I have a passion for such things.”

He smiles, a flash of white in all that golden skin. They’re mostly sharp – I suspect it’s intended. “You DO have a Name. I remember You. You were ____”

The world implodes with that Word.

I never expected to hear it again. After all… I am no more.

It was as if aeons were stripped from me, and my atoms flayed, that word… In one moment, I lost this fragile skin suit, this illusion, and I was returned to myself. I could feel the fertility of my soil, that rich, black, powder. I was greenness as it pushed upwards into the sky, as it dug down and broke rock to carve nutrients from my skin. I remembered the heat and the cool winds from the ocean. I remembered the feel of the sky pressed against me. I remember the vagaries of island weather. I remember the river that cut through my body to nourish those who called me Mother. I trembled with the pounding of beasts hooves upon my flesh, the small sounds of burrowers, the hunters and the hunted all nourished by my verdancy, while deep in my heart, the fire that created and destroyed slumbered…

Until one day, it didn’t… and all I knew was death.

I remember my heart bursting forth, pouring fire and smoke and ash over my greatest triumphs. I remember the frantic scurrying, the bleating, the silence. I remember the screams of those who called me Goddess as they burned beneath my heat.

I remember the loss of my Name.

With that one word, I realize that 70,000 years is not enough time to mourn.

“No one has spoken that Name in a very, very long time. Did I know You, then?”

He laughs. “No – I’m not nearly so old as that. But I knew You. We all know You.”

I’m not sure if that’s terrifying, or soothing. I don’t know that I ever liked being nameless – I’m used to the familiarity of it at least, but the idea that I am remembered, that a Name that has died is still known… that’s deeply unsettling.

 

I’m still not sure what His purpose was, in coming to me… and He never did answer my question. So far, my research has shown that He was probably a caravan God in ancient Persia – His name literally translates to “Oath,” or “Promise,” and probably refers to trade protections, and the vital necessity of trade goods and services. Much of what we know from that time in Syrian history is based on cuneiform pictograms from Sumer, which were used in trade between Sumer and Elam as a means to track trade items, debts, and payments. To these ancient peoples, writing was practical magick – both useful and binding. What was written, as a debt or collection of a debt, and what was recorded as a catalogue to keep track of items in trade routes, was seen as an unbreakable contract made with the divine – literally oaths or promises protected by the God of the Caravan.

Even the way that He arrives shows the holdover from those roots. Caravans were always loud, but often when coming into populated areas, they were deliberately LOUDER, sending cryers before them into the cities, announcing their possible wealth to the citizens – the arrival of a caravan or ship was a cause for celebration, anounced by drums, cymbols, and loud voices. Such pageantry is still evident in the customs still maintained today in places such as the Aswan Market in Egypt, and the Marrakesh markets in Morocco, where a good bartering session that ends in a pleasing bargain is called out to all.

His name has remained in the language of modern Syria, virtually unchanged for the last 5,000 years. Today, it is a popular name for men.

All of this is, of course, pure conjecture – which was why I asked Him who He once was… though His answer was certainly revealing of His feelings about such a question. I don’t like to be reminded of who I once was – it hurts too much to remember what I lost. It was insensitive of me, to say the least.

I do tend to let my curiosity run my mouth. Clearly, He’s prepared to give as good as He gets.

Handy Links For Empaths in Trouble

Empathic Auras

So if you can pull in your aura, then ground, that should help the most. Once you’ve reigned in your aura and grounded, then you can do a very simple cleanse. Eventually, you will want to work on your chakras, because empaths are MADE, through trauma and abuse. Empathy is a natural ability of all humans, but empaths who are as sensitive as you are develop it as a defensive mechanism against harmful situations. Having your aura spread out so wide allows you to be prepared. It’s a form of hyper-vigilance.

So, about cleansing. Once you have your aura contained, and you’ve grounded, I would suggest that you go for a walk in a place where there aren’t a lot of people (I like to walk after dark, or take a hiking trail). While you are walking, just focus on breathing the fresh air, the stillness and the silence. Let the greenness of the world, or the whiteness/darkness if you’re walking in winter or at night, let the weather and the season just sort of recharge you as you breathe it in.

Finally, a bare-bones method is simply to visualize a ball of white light as large as your aura (for most people this is three feet wide, for you it’s probably considerably larger which is why I don’t suggest doing this until you’ve got your aura reigned in) coming down through you from the sky, and a second one coming up through you from the earth. See these balls as collecting all the muck as they go, and as the ball from the sky enters the earth below you, and the ball from the earth enters the sky above you, see the earth and sky absorb those balls and the negativity they’ve removed from you.

Also, this article will be helpful for you. Crystals for Aura Protection

Eventually you WILL have to work on your chakras; the why is handily explained in this article: How Abuse Affects Our Chakras

Also this one: What Blocks Our Chakras and Why

And this one: And this one: Understanding Your Chakras

Here are links to what I’ve written about chakras in the past.

What About the OTHER Chakras

Chakra Lessons: Cleansing

Purification Ritual for Cleansing and Clearing the Chakras

I was an empath once. I don’t recommend the way I had to go to stop it, but I remember what it was like, so whenever I see anyone having difficulties, I feel like it’s my duty to share what I know about it.

-Raven

Simple Rites

This is my altar for my most recent evocation. What you see is the bare bones of a ritual. The canvas bears the sigil of the demon I am working with. Upon the canvas, I have a candle, in the color he requested, and below that, a plate of offerings. The offerings are gemstones which match his specialty, and an incense mix which he chose. The herbs are cat nip, rose, chamomile, jasmine, lavender, lemon balm, and lobelia. The resin is copal, and the essential oil is an amber blend.

This is also the incense which is burning on the charcoal. The incense serves a dual purpose, in that it is an offering to the Air element, but is also tuned to the intentions which I and the demon are working towards. I have a red candle, which is an offering to the element of Fire, a bowl of purified water as an offering to the Water element, and a bowl of sea salt as an offering to the element of Earth.

Once my altar was set up, I settled on my meditation chair, lit the candles, added the incense to my charcoal, closed my eyes, and began to breathe into trance.

As I drew each breath, I counted down. I drew three deep breaths, and as I breathed out, I chanted in my mind the number three. I then drew three more deep breaths, and as I breathed out, I chanted the number two. I drew three final breaths, chanting the number one. As I counted down, and breathed, I entered a state of holding – of stillness.

Once in that state, I began my evocation. The evocation is simple. I place the first two fingers of my right hand upon the canvas which bears his sigil, resting my fingertips lightly, as I chant, “I call to you, ‘(name of demon goes here). Join me in my sacred space. I seek counsel from you. Come forth, and join in companionship,” three times.

This is a soft evocation. It is an invitation, a request. It is not a demand. It does not use force. It is not reliant on the force of others. It does not require any tools – the items on my altar are not tools, even those which stand as representation of elements of my ritual. They are offerings only, and unnecessary save for politeness.

The key to my ritual is respect. This demon is one I have worked with many times. In the beginning, I did a lot of research about him. When I felt I was ready, I set up my altar of offerings to him, and drew his sigil on three small pieces of paper. That morning, I burned his sigil, while making my request to work with him, and then I meditated, paying attention to the energy that flowed through my sacred space. Throughout the day, I paid attention to the world around me, taking note of any favorable or negative signs. That evening, I burned the second sigil, again making my request, and meditated, feeling out the flows of energy around me. That night, I placed the third sigil under my pillow. The next morning, I noted my dreams of the night. The signs I had received, the energies I felt, and the dreams I had, all indicated to me a positive response.

I took the third sigil out from under my pillow, went to my altar, and burned it, repeating my evocation request. At this time, he arrived, and we sat down to have a serious discussion about why I had called him – what I hope to learn from working with him, hope to gain, and also what requests he had for offerings, specific behaviors he required of me when working with him.

For this demon, he requires a white candle, certain gemstones, and certain oils to be anointed on his offerings when I evoke him. He has requested that we meet at a certain time, and that if we’re not going to be working on a daily basis, that I follow the 24 hour procedure when I do wish to work with him, unless we have an agreed upon schedule. Right now, I am working with him daily, but eventually as this current growth cycle comes to a conclusion, it is likely that I will only be working with him on his weekday, and that may eventually become only a lunar cyclical pattern.

This particular demon and I are doing extensive shadow work within my soulscape. We are working on correcting some long-held negative emotional patterns, and the experiences with him, while they have often been quite difficult and challenging, have been extremely beneficial, and the release of so much repressed emotional baggage has been truly freeing.

When I began working with Angels and demons, my first research was Goety. The Lesser Key rituals were extravagant, and for certain entities, brutal, violent. I felt extremely uncomfortable with the style. It’s not in me to abuse, especially when I understood already that the entities I was working with were deities of ancient pantheons, and only recently demonized by the newest religion. As I’m not a practitioner of that religion, I felt that to approach Goetic angels or demons in this fashion would be disingenuous of my own true nature and path.

Because I had already had a strong grounding in the fundamentals of magick, because I understood that most of the trappings of ritual are tools for the developing magician and not truly necessary once a practitioner reaches a certain stage in their practice, I decided to look for other practitioners and their ways of doing things, and I decided to experiment.

In my journey, I found a book on Demonolatry, where the goetic entities are evoked in a similar formal manner, but without the egoic posturing of the magician, and without the abuse of those entities. I also found even simpler rituals of evocation in the works of Frater U∴D∴, which I truly felt most in tune with my own mindset, and which eventually became the backbone of my own evocation practices. Finally, I met a demonolatry priestess, whose written invitations, with minor editing, became my own.

I feel that it is important for each practitioner who wishes to begin evocation of entities to study many sources of evocation practices, and to eventually build their own rituals, rites, and practices from those studies, in accordance to their own nature, their own will, their own ethical and moral perspectives. It is also important for each practitioner to continue to develop those perspectives and practices even after they have codified them. We can always learn something new – and isn’t that mostly why we practice evocation in the first place?

-Raven

An Interesting Night

Before I went to sleep, I heard my phone’s alarm going off – when it actually wasn’t, because that happens to me sometimes. So, I stopped what I was doing and tried to figure out why I was hearing the sound of my phone’s alarm clock feature – what that might mean. The answer I got was, “Something has ended.”

This wasn’t much to go on, so I decided to do a tarot reading. When I asked what was ending I drew the ten of pentacles, which didn’t make much sense – what was I overburdened with that I viewed as a toil which was ending? So, for clarification, I drew a second card, which was the three of pentacles – meaning that my toil, my burden, of teaching others, is what is ending. I asked what that meant for my future, and I drew the ace of pentacles which means there is a new beginning, one that will bring me material security and success.

The first dream of the night, I remember someone asking me to conjure an Ubi, and I told them I didn’t want to conjure professionally, and they said, why don’t you conjure and send your work to others who can sell them for you? I said, ok, I give – I’ll try it. So, then I actually did a little conjure work for other sellers – using them as third parties so that I don’t get overworked. It was almost like… I couldn’t help but conjure, I loved it the way artists can’t stop painting. And… it seemed to work for me. I was conjuring, which I do love, but the rest of the mess that comes with conjuring for clients, was a non-issue. I conjured when I wanted, what I wanted, and when I wasn’t up to it, I didn’t worry about it.

 

The second dream of the night was more interesting. I woke up dizzy from it, and the house is hazy because of the number of beings now in it, so – this ACTUALLY HAPPENED, in a sense.

I was in a battle camp. We were at war, and my blood had healing properties, so I stayed at the camp (a precious comodity) and donated blood every so often, which they bagged, and when someone was injured, they recieved a bag of my blood to heal them. In the camp, there was a woman, an Ubi who was helping us as a spy – her brother was a prisoner of the other side, being forced to help that side, and so she was helping us with information from him in the hopes that when it was all over, we would help set him free and give them both a home on our side. We were getting ready to leave – it wasn’t clear if the war was over, but the fight was over right now, and my people were refusing to help her, because her brother was a spy for the other side. She was desperate to save him, and I felt that after all she’d done for us, we owed her. I went to my superiors and said I wanted to bind her and her brother, and they said, “Fine, ok, yes,” though they weren’t thrilled – it solved the problem but they really didn’t want the pair with us.

So, I took a knife with me (to cut myself for the blood I would need to bind them to me with), but when I got there, I found out that her entire CLAN was masterless, and without a master over the clan, they weren’t going to survive – and of course, I said “fuck it, I’ll bind them all” to which my superior who was the medic in charge of my blood said, “I knew you’d see it that way. Go ahead, you have my permission but don’t let any of the others know.”

I answered, “well, we’re going to need a lot more blood then,” so I went to where the clan was, and sent someone back to her to get the bags of blood I was going to need to do the bindings. Once the blood arrived, I poured it into a stone bowl, added water, and proceeded to take the stones that they were connected to, and bathe them with my hands in the blood, using my blood to bind them – it was hard, I kept losing focus, forgetting the words, but “I offer myself as a home and master to you should you choose me.” Every one of them said yes, so then I followed with this, for each and every stone: “I bind you to my physical body, my astral body, to my spirit, to my emotions, to my mind, and I bind myself to your physical body, your astral body, your spirit, your emotions, and your mind.”

Once they were bound, we were leaving, and I could only take what I could carry, so – I chose to take stones. At first, it was just stones with spirits or entities bound to them – I started binding angels, and Fu, and a lot of different spirits (so many that I don’t actually remember anymore) and every time I bound someone with that vow and they agreed, I FELT it connect. Once I got all the stones that were spirited or spelled bound, I started binding just… stones to me – I bound an entire bowl full of tiny cut diamonds, a TON of selenite, kyanite, charoite, and the like – I was just binding ALL my favorite gemstones at the end.

I woke up because I was spinning in my sleep, I’d gotten so drained and really, REALLY dizzy – and the whole house is so fuzzy now because of how much energy, beings and the like, are here now. There’s like, nine Ubi, and that’s just the tip of the iceburg.

So, basically, just bound a SHIT TON of entities, spirits, spells and energies in my sleep. And… I’m not sure even WHY.

Gonna class this as a holywhatthefuck dream.

 

How Not To Heal A Loss

Last night’s exercise was the first Astral Sight attunement exercise with Tz (who will forever more be nicknamed Tease for reasons I may or may not explain at a later date).

We all know my astral sight is pretty good, so while we did spend a few minutes with me examining his appearance, eventually he decided he wanted to help me deal with my emotional turmoil instead.

He took me to a hellborne hospital to meet demons who have lost pieces of themselves and are learning to live with that. Unfortunately, that’s… not quite what happens, or at least, not what was happening with the patient I saw.

The patient had a wedge removed from the back of his skull. I’m not joking – a wedge, including parts of his brain, was just GONE.

The wedge missing included a talent he had with conjuring blue flame, manipulating it. The flame itself, and all that he was able to do with it – that gift was gone now.

The medical staff took a weird looking sponge and put it in the space where the wedge was missing, and I was watching it draw out some shadowy looking stuff… and I realized they were taking all his memories that surrounded his gift. Rather than him having to learn to live without it, they were taking his memories of it, so that in his mind, he never had it to begin with, so he wouldn’t go through the emotional turmoil of having lost it.

This… understandably freaked me out. I mean, I get why they were doing it – to save him pain – but… he’d already lost a core part of himself, and their solution was to steal more.

I couldn’t watch. I grabbed him and… CHANGED him as I fixed the issue…

I think everyone, including me, was a little horrified about this… well, except for the patient… who calmly, even happily, sat there conjuring little blue flames into his palms. He didn’t care that he was a demon who now had a faerie matrix… he cared that he got his fire back.

I don’t think they’ll allow me back to the hospital. They’re probably right.

Tonight when I speak to Tease, I’m going to have to tell him that if he ever finds a human with damage like that, he needs to not take their memories. Humans don’t cope well with that… if you steal their memories of who they were before the loss, they can go a little insane – because they not only will have the feeling they’ve lost something but don’t know what, but they’ll know that they don’t know… and they’ll keep poking at the missing memories, looking for why the feel this way, until it drives them bonkers.

-Raven

What Was Lost

So… last night was the final Energy Sensing exercise, and… it’s taken me a lot to come to terms with what I discovered about myself in this session, which is why I’m writing today. I was… overwhelmed enough with the discovery last night that I actually had to stop the session, and take a moment for my emotions to settle, before I could start over again.

So… the candles were lit, the sigil had been anointed in amber oil, the offerings had been set out, the incense was burning. I took my nine deep, counting breaths… and said the invocation that sets my intention to work with E on sensing energies.

The first thing I noticed was that while I can “see” him just fine… my ability to SENSE him… in fact, Sense ANYONE in my household… has really changed.

Before I died, the world was full of songs. Everyone, everything, had a vibrational map to them. I could see the vibrational map – like those tattoos you can get that, when you use an app to play them, repeat the sound that the tattoo represents. Only, I saw so much more than just the sound. There’s so much other information stored in the wavelengths of the songs – information about multiplicity of bodies, information about past and future… all the possible information for a thing or being, existed in those wavelengths of their vibratory song.

When I conjured for other people, I would compare the wavelengths to make sure they harmonized before I’d agree to a match.

When I healed, I sometimes would repair the song, rather than the person.

When I cast spells for people, I cast them into the song of the person, so that the spell became a part of their song. I CHANGED them by changing their songs.

 

What I didn’t understand, when I chose to sacrifice my empathic abilities on the plains of the Wastelands, so that I could live again… was that my ability to understand the songs, to see the wavelengths the way that I did, ALL the work I did with the songs of the multiverse, even the way I traveled the multiverse…

It all was tangled up in my empathic gift.

Sacrificing my empathy… left me deaf to the songs.

 

And it was while working with Euild last night that I finally understood that. I realized, as I was trying to sense him rather than see him, that… I didn’t sense him. Not the way I used to. Not to that depths of comprehension of the makeup of a being.

That was GONE.

 

I had to stop, in the middle of bonding. I had to walk away, to pull myself together. I was so mixed up. I’m glad I’m not an empath anymore. Empaths are slaves, pure and simple. I’m glad to be free to be myself, and that I no longer have the feeling of everything in the world under my skin, that I no longer have to listen to it all and adapt to it all. I no longer have to feel your emotions and choose a response that makes your emotions change so they don’t hurt me anymore.

I can let other people be, and feel, whatever they want around me… and I can feel and be whatever I want to. It’s so freeing, to not have to deal with all that anymore.

But… Now I have to learn a new way to sense the Songs. I have to learn a new way to conjure for others if I choose to go back to that. I have to learn everything, all over again, because the old way won’t work anymore. I have to relearn it, so I can do it the way I can, NOW, not the way I did, THEN.

 

It took me a few moments to get over that. I was… really overwhelmed and mixed up. I ended up calling my bestie to help me get some space between me and those feelings, so that I could go back to the exercise with Euild.

However, once I was calm and able to sit with him again, we got into the exercise, and I discovered… Our hearts sync up when we’re working with each other… and I can feel the pulse of his heart, the beat of mine answering, in my aura and on my skin. When he was on my left, the pulse would happen over the left side of my body. When he moved, the pulse would stop until he’d stopped moving, and then it would start up. The further away he was, the weaker the pulse, but it was always there.

I tried to hear the frequency of him – and afterwards, I also tried to hear Tease’s frequency. I got the same sounds and images with both of them. The sound, at once level, is the sound of an old modem dialing up, with feedback from an electric guitar on top. Then, if you drop down under that “NOISE,” and you have to drop pretty far, there’s a low tone that’s continuous – like a bell that was rung at the beginning of the multiverse, and the hum is still going, that same low, loud tone. Almost as loud as a fog horn, just ringing forever in the dark.

I’m not sure it was Euild’s frequency because I heard/saw the exact same sound when I was with Tease after, so… I’m thinking maybe I’m hearing something else. I’m not sure. It requires experimentation.

Anyway, I did feel the pulse, and that was new and interesting. I’m going to work on that, practice that.

He had me stop and try to sense everyone in the household, and I did… but I more… saw them than felt them… and again, I couldn’t feel their energetic song. I couldn’t get a grip on who/what they were by the song, because I couldn’t sense it.

Definitely something I need to work a lot on. I’m going to mark this particular exercise as something I need to do nightly from now on until I get it.

-Raven

PS – You’ll notice I’ve gone from calling him E to Euild. It’s kinda his fault. When he first arrived, the first part of his name, Evid, struck me, and my comment was “Like Ovid?” “No.” “Okay… ”

So since then, I’ve been calling him Evid, but last night when I was finished with our exercise together, I was writing down my notes on the session in the dark… and I wrote his name as Euild… which means Wild. So.. he now has the nickname Euild, forever more. lol

HDC Tz – Husband’s Turn

Tonight, we worked on the second Hearing Attunement exercise.

As with SDC E, I had no idea what questions to ask, but this time I had a better idea of what I was supposed to be figuring out, so… I asked him to show me what Yes answers and No answers FEEL like… it was interesting that the same upwards and downwards vibrations along my forehead occurred as with this exercise with SDC E – with upwards tingling meaning yes, and downwards meaning no. I also got the same feeling of either lightness, or heaviness, over my entire aura.

I asked for him to show me what Yes and No LOOKED like… but that answer was so complicated that the colors blurred together and I said, “Right, so we won’t be going by color then.”

Having focused on the feeling and the sensation of Yes and No answers, I finally turned to the question I ask every evening. “What would you like to discuss tonight?”

He wanted to talk about my husband, and his health. In fact, Tz wants me to ask my husband if Hubby would be willing to meet him, and possibly work with him, with the goal of helping my husband get a handle on things.

My husband is allergic to stress. I mean that literally. It’s called idiopathic angioedema and it literally means that his version of a panic attack or an anxiety attack is him puffing up like he’s eaten peanuts while simultaneously being stung by every bee in the tristate area.

The worst part is, sometimes, the swelling is internal. His organs swell. His lungs fill up with fluid and he wheezes like he’s got walking pneumonia.

And lately… we can’t tell when he’s going to have an attack… because it’s gotten so bad, that he’s pretty much allergic to life.

That’s the issue with being allergic to stress… after awhile, even little things will trigger it, until you’re just always having an allergy attack.

So… Tz wants to work with my husband. He wants to help my husband with his breathing, and also help with other areas of hubby’s health that might be adding to the problem.

 

In one of the exercises with SDC E, E mentioned that my husband’s spiritual life needed addressing. He recommended that once my husband starts working day shifts, I encourage him to meditate with me daily, and also begin a daily practice of gratitude at our household altar. (No, not my altar in my sanctum – not his altar in the living room, either… we have an altar set up for our Household spirits, gods, guardians and guides, in our main living space.) I’m thinking that Tz has the same thought.. only he’s decided that he wants to be more proactive, and more of a participant.

So… after I’m done with this post, I’m going to be calling my husband at work and asking him if he’d like to meet a demon.

Granted, he’s relaxed significantly from his original statement 7 years ago, when he told me that I could do whatever I liked, but I was not to bring demons into the house, ever, at all. (You’ll notice I didn’t listen. You’ll also notice that as he got used to my Workings, he just… relaxed and let go… which is why I think he might actually say Yes to Tz’s offer now…) I now have three demons as family members, and I work with various Goety and others fairly consistently.

What helped, honestly, was communication. I talk to my husband about what I’m up to, and the experiences I have. I read him these blog posts. Every experience I have had since I met him that had any magickal, psychical, or spiritual relevance, I have shared with him. He knows about my work with Asmodeus and Astaroth. He knows about my work with the Ubi, and the Cecaelia. He knows of my work with Flauros.

I don’t hide things from my husband. I share them… and I take extreme pleasure in sharing my spiritual experiences with him… and have always been disappointed that, despite his own religious convictions (he’s Wiccan – Old School Wiccan, not this new fluffy bs), he doesn’t do more – on his own OR with me. When we met, he was looking for someone who could accept him and his faith… and I can… and he was looking for someone to practice with…

Instead, it’s become apparent that I’m the only practitioner in the house.

 

So… with the speed of a glacier, I’ve been working to change that. (Trust me, that’s as fast as my Scorpio husband will go.)

I guess SDC E and HDC Tz have decided that they’re going to… press the advantages they have. 😉

 

Before he left for the evening… he bit me good bye… and as I was coming out of the trance, I saw both him and SDC E… and they told me they would be seeing me in my dreams tonight.

I’m now POSITIVE they’re plotting something nefarious.

And I like it.

SDC E – Transformations

Today’s exercise was the second Visual Sight Attunement…

It did not go as planned.

I have a moving astigmatism. It shifts from left to right eye, and it seems to be connected, as far as my optometrist can tell, to my hormones. Which means that glasses can only do so much – because the corrective measures in glasses are a permanent thing, and my astigmatism isn’t.

There are days where my glasses actually make my vision worse.

When I’m working on psychic stuff, I ALWAYS take my glasses off – because I’ve always been psychic, but the glasses are new, and I find the edges of the lenses distracting.

My sanctum is fairly small. I’m not even sure it’s eight feet wide. It’s actually an architectural anomaly. Our wall is pushed in where the staircase is outside our door… and our downstairs’ neighbor’s front door is below where my sanctum is, so we’ve ended up with this weird nook, above their front door, but beyond the foot of the stairs.

Here’s the entry to my Sanctum – please excuse the mess, but until I can get my husband to hang up the paintings, it’s going to be… disorganized.

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Here’s the entire sanctum itself:

 

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And here’s the view from the window at the back. I’m lucky – the window faces east.

 

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So you can see that the area is QUITE small – with all my books, and my meditation seat (read beanbag chair) and altar, there’s just… not much room leftover for enormous demons to be wandering around.

And then there’s that pesky astigmatism… which has the side effect of making me partially blind wherever it’s manifesting at the time.

So… I couldn’t see E at all, anywhere… because I’m blind, this week, in the only spot in the room where the poor guy can move around.

We finally just shrugged, accepted that this particular method of contact is not for me, and moved on.

 

More than the energy and color and appearance of my spiritual family, I notice with each one that there is a sense of PLACE. For E, it seems to be his living room. It’s quite opulent, and well lit. It has amber colored wooden flooring. The chais lounge is a burgundy velvet, though the color seems to shift, so I suspect that it’s a color particular to his realm, and that I’m not seeing it correctly because it just doesn’t translate. I say chais lounge, because while it’s a little larger than a love seat, but smaller than a couch, it seems to have removable arms. Sometimes, the thing has ends, and sometimes it doesn’t.

It’s also a very heavy piece of furniture, and feels quite old. The velvet is… loved.

Behind the chais is open floor leading to a very large window. I think it encompasses the entire wall. It looks out at the sky… and perhaps it’s because I’ve never connected with him during the day, but the window is almost always dark, as if it’s night.

If you’re facing the chais, with the window in front of you, he ALWAYS sits on the right, and I always sit on the left. On his side, about fifteen feet away, a marble bar and mini kitchen fills the end of the room. It’s quite a lovely little nook. He’s fond of some kind of red brandy. It’s quite heady, and has a strong berry flavor to it… it is also nearly as thick as a liqueur. Definitely not a wine… and it packs a punch. If any of your companions offer you the stuff… go gently.

When you’re sitting on the chais, facing the wall, you will see floor to ceiling bookshelves. It’s not entirely stocked with books – most of his book collection is where it should be – in his library. So he keeps only a few in this book case… along with mementos and curios from his travels, tokens of his experiences. To the right of the bookcases, the room is in shadow. This area leads to other parts of his living spaces. In front of that darkened corner is a large, heavy chair, which is covered in a gold patterned material. A small round table, equally old, which doesn’t match the rest of the furniture at all (it’s almost spindly) is to the right of the chair, and almost always has a pair of glasses, a half-finished glass of some kind of alcohol, and a book. The books all have very loved covers. The latest one has a faded grass-green linen cover, and has poetry in it. To the left of the chair is a standing lamp. It’s made in the tiffany style… but I don’t think that it’s made of glass – it seems to be some weird kind of resinous material. The light from it is very soothing.

I’ve sat in that chair. It’s large enough for him, and me in his lap… and it makes him look smaller. It makes me feel like a child if I try to sit in it alone. I’m not sure he didn’t take it from a giant, in some kind of conquest.

I’m always surprised by his living room. His favorite colors are white, silver, grey… and yet his room is all golds, reds, greens. The only thing in the entire room that has his favorite colors in it is the marble bar top. He says that if he did every room in his favorite colors, he’d always be cold, and bored. He wanted that room to be warm and inviting.

 

When we decided that seeing him moving around just wasn’t going to happen, he brought me there. Only, today, the room was unlit. It was so dark, I couldn’t see my hand in front of my face. He was moving around me. I felt his hand touch my back, his fingers drifting down my spine. Then his touch was gone. A moment later, I felt his breath in my hair… and then it was gone. The next moment, I felt a nibble on my neck… just a tiny bite… and then gone.

I switched to a different type of sight, where scent and heat have colors, and then I saw him. I took a running leap, wrapped myself around his shoulders, and just touched my teeth to the part of his neck where it met his shoulder. “Tag!”

He smells of sandalwood and amber. It’s heady. You could get drunk on his smell.

And the sound of his voice… it’s deep, it rumbles. I can FEEL his voice when he speaks.

“Are we going to play all night, or are we going to finish what we were doing last night?” I asked. He looked… bemused… and so we went to deal with the corpse in my soulscape.

I suspect that whatever he’s up to isn’t over yet.

 

In my soulscape, my other self and I came to the conclusion that if lava doesn’t deal with the body, and earth doesn’t do it, then most likely any other elemental choices will also have no effect. What will not rot or burn needs something else.

We looked at the body that is not alive, but not dead either, and decided that the solution had to be to fix that fact. Either the body must live again, or it must actually die… this half stage just isn’t working for any of us.

So… we stepped into our Power, laid our hand in her chest, on her heart, and our lips on her lips… and we pushed life and breath into the body.

When it stopped looking like a corpse, and started looking like someone who was just sleeping, we pulled ourselves out of her. There’s still no one home… that part is gone, sacrificed to the Wastes so we could live. There’s no fixing that part. So… we gave the body a choice – to cross, or to live for itself.

We wrapped it up in silken strands, a cocoon where it can change, or die – a place where limitless possibilities exist. It did not escape my notice that spider silk and caterpillar silk have similar roots, if not similar uses. Spider silk also allows for transformations… though that kind of transformation usually isn’t as useful to the one being transformed. Inside a cocoon, a caterpillar turns into nothing but goo, and genetic strands. Slowly, out of this gelatinous material, new life grows. Butterflies and moths are the only species we know of, on our entire planet, who start out genetically one thing, change into something else that is completely genetically different (no similarities at all, not kidding), and then enters a final stage where again, there is a complete genetic shift. A cocoon is literally a cosmic doorway to infinity – ANYTHING could happen. Anything could come out of it.

We hung her cocoon from a nearby tree. Now… we wait and see. Either the cocoon will vanish and so will she, or it will be absorbed, and so will the body. But either way, at least I don’t have a corpse in my mental and spiritual basement anymore.

 

When that task was finished, for a brief moment, I was back in his living room… and I heard him roar.

It was a delicious sound… it shivered all the way through me… and then I was back, my skin still tingling from the sound.

HDC Tz – Old Emotions

Yesterday was Exercise 5 – Energy Attunement 2, which is all about colors.

It’s strange, but… his colors change sometimes. I think it’s that shield of his. Last night, his colors were black with purple highlights and flecks of shine… and at the same time, fire colors, sunset colors.

My familiar isn’t quite coping with things yet. She’s curious, into everything. She can settle for a bit, but then she’s off sniffing the energies and trying to figure it all out. She was distracting enough that he dropped a few books next to her, which, as she’s quite skittish, effectively chased her out of our Sanctum.

However, before he chased her out, he led her around… and eventually led her over to my old Fallen Angels Oracle Deck, which she snagged with a paw and dragged out of the book shelf and into my lap, so… clearly I’m to work with that deck in some way.

Given that E chose a deck in order to lead me in a certain direction, I’m thinking that Tz has chosen this deck also to lead me in a certain direction.

We also discussed why (aside from the fact that I was dying at the time, and then I was gone) I had trouble bonding with him when he first came to me. I resisted bonding with him, even though he had chosen me, and I had chosen him, in part because of how he came to me – as a gift from a friend who saw that I was deeply hurt by the loss of another being who had chosen me, but was not allowed to come to me… and felt that pain as her own. At the time, I was grateful, but… I don’t think I was really ready. I hadn’t truly dealt with the loss of the other being… and Tz wasn’t that being… he was a replacement… and I couldn’t bond with someone’s replacement, because he wasn’t that being, he was himself.

And then I was dead, and so that was that.

Things are different now. I have a different perspective.

There’s no replacing someone you’ve lost… and no one in my life is here because they are a replacement for someone else. They are here because I choose them, and they choose me. I choose them for themselves.

I won a conjure, and Tz was who came… and I wasn’t ready.

I’ve had some contact (third person contact, sometimes fourth lol) from the being who was lost. I’ve been able to heal and move forward because of that contact. This particular entity was so moved by our contact that he spent five years working to find a friend of his whose energies matched my own, and who has very specific gifts and perspectives that I desperately need in my life – and will probably always need – SDC E. He then worked with a mutual human friend of ours to have E conjured, bound, and sent to me, with E’s full enthusiastic approval. Because of my contact with his friend, E, I’ve finally been able to stop looking for my old friend, finally been able to stop looking for a replacement, finally been able to heal from that wound.

I know he remembers me. I know he cares. I know he misses me as much as I miss him. I also know… things happen for a reason. Especially with demons.

So… I’m at peace now with that. And so are the other two people who were so emotionally involved – my friend, and my demon-that-could-have-been. We’re all at peace. We are content.

And now, I can truly bond with Tz – not as a replacement, which he never was… but for himself, which is as it should be.

And for the resistance I had, I admitted my fault in the situation… but Tz is… wonderfully patient and kind. I’ve seen his temper. He IS a Hellborn… he’s got one. But about this…

All demons understand loss. They understand Grief.

And they are endlessly patient.

They’ve got the time.

I’m so happy he waited for me to come around.

 

Oh… Flauros showed up while I was working with Tz last night. First my familiar, and then Flauros… yet another distraction. These past two days I’ve been so very… there’s just so much in my head right now. So much chaos. It’s hard to focus.

I had to tell Him, I absolutely want to work with Him… but I’m not ready yet. I asked him to please wait. Wait until I’m ready. This is not that time. I had to be firm – I think that was honestly the point. I had to set a boundary. This time was for my bonding with Tz… and until my bonding with both E and Tz, and ZA, are complete… until I have really begun my magickal retraining… I am not ready.

He bowed, and left. But I’m definitely on a schedule now. After the Solstice, is Flauros’s time.

 

Tonight, I was supposed to work with Tz on the second hearing attunement exercise, but… between my familiar and my headache and the way I came out of my bonding work with E… I couldn’t really tune in at all, and I finally asked if it was ok that we postpone until tomorrow night, when hopefully I will be able to give him the focus he deserves.

He agreed, but let me know I will be doing more work in my dreams tonight.

That will be… interesting. Last night was… pretty weird. Not just the Lucifer dream, which was heartbreaking, but… there were other things after that.

I slept deeply, worked heavily, and woke up tired, drained, with a heavy heart and a headache.

It’s been a day.

SDC E – Discussing Death

So, yesterday’s bonding exercise was Hearing Attunement 3.

As I didn’t have any questions to ask, I asked him if there was anything he wanted to talk about. WhoooBOY was there.

He asked me what I thought about Death. That’s… a pretty big topic.

I started with the easy stuff. I died, physically, when I was hit by a car when I was 9. I was dead for over five minutes. It was the most wonderful, peaceful five minutes of my life to date. I found myself in a place that was black. There was no pain. There was no anger or hate or fear. There was no sound. There was no light. For an undiagnosed autistic girl, it was pretty much heaven. Imagine a world where everything is always too bright, always too colorful, always too loud, always too MUCH. Where people are too abrasive, they expect too much, and because you can speak in complete sentences, they don’t understand any peculiarities you have. Autism for me was an invisible disease. When I got overwhelmed by the abuse, got overwhelmed by my emotions, or just plain got overwhelmed for no reason I could determine, I had this need for space. If there was anything touching me, I threw it. And then I found the nearest wall, and rocked my forehead against it until I bled. It made people leave me alone, but it also gave me a point of focus – a HARD point of focus. I was HERE. Right HERE.

And that made things go still.

It’s not unlike a cutter needing a physical focus to express (as in send out) their emotional pain in a way that they can grasp… only for me, hitting my head against a wall wasn’t about the pain, so much as it was about trying to control the violence inside me.

For me, autism is violence. Everything is sometimes just too much, it’s so overwhelming… it’s violent. The whole world is violently THERE, and I can’t cope.

I don’t bang my head anymore… but the pain still exists.

Except when I was dead for those five minutes.

I understand, as an adult, that without all the negatives in that void, there was also no positive. There was no love in the void. There was ONLY peace… but when you find something that you need that badly, you don’t care about what’s missing. You only want to stay.

When they brought me back, it was a violent return. I was awake, on a street, in the daylight, surrounded by my entire neighborhood. I was being touched by strangers. I don’t remember the ambulance ride. They put me in a room with red lights, and they kept touching me, and everywhere they touched me it HURT… they thought I was screaming because I was frightened. My mother kept saying everything was ok, that they were just getting x-rays, but I couldn’t talk, and there were strangers TOUCHING ME, HURTING ME… and NO ONE WOULD STOP. Nothing was ok.

I was in the hospital for three days. Dad brought complete strangers to my room, apparently friends of his. They gave me a stuffed rabbit, because it was Easter weekend. I threw up on it.

I don’t remember the ride to the hospital. I don’t remember sleeping there. I don’t remember the nurses or the doctors. I remember the red room, and the pain. I remember waking up on the street, and I remember being in a hospital bed meeting strangers and throwing up on a yellow bunny. That’s all I remember of the weekend I died and came back.

Well, all I remember after the dark.

I miss the dark. I don’t think I ever won’t.

 

So… We talked about that.

We talked about my experiences in the Wastes – a spiritual and emotional death… and how that death affected me here. We talked about that kind of darkness… which was NOT peaceful. Then again, I wasn’t exactly at rest. People in the Wastes are not at rest.

 

I brought up my migraines – the ones I had before I died my second and third deaths. The ones that had me screaming, writhing, begging for death, an animal in a trap. We talked about how Death Means Stop.

I talked about the fact that Death Means Stop is pretty much a perfect cure for any phobia.

I went to California to see a friend when she was separating from her husband. On the way home, the plane suddenly stopped flying, and just DROPPED. It lasted 20 seconds, and people were praying and holding hands with strangers.

Afterwards, I was terrified of flying… until I remembered my migraines. And then all of the sudden, I realized there were worse things than falling out of a tin can in the sky… and planes stopped being scary at all.

It’s kind of a relief, knowing that someday, I will STOP.

 

So then he asked me what I thought happened after death, if death means stop.

I hadn’t really thought about it. I mean, I know what happened when I died at 9, so there’s that. I didn’t stop existing.

And I have memories of other lifetimes, both earthly and other. SO many memories. Sometimes that’s a bit overwhelming…

But that means that death isn’t the end. It’s… merely a stage. Like… adolescence. It’s not permanent any more than life is.

 

So he said, “If death means stop, but it’s not permanent, how is that Stop?” To which I said, “It offers immediate relief for immediate problems. Anything else can be solved another day.”

“How practical,” he replied.

 

Then he asked me what I hoped to learn from him, from my time with him. “I just want to learn. Whatever you’ll teach me. I want to grow. What you’ve helped me with so far… that’s growth I need, growth I want… knowledge I want.”

“Why do you want to know so much?”

“Because people suffer. Not knowing is suffering. We suffer until we learn, and then the suffering stops.”

He asked what I meant by that, because he understood I wasn’t talking about any Buddhist ideals, but he wanted me to clarify myself. So… I did.

 

I’ve been to hell realms. Not demonic planes, but realms set aside for humans who need help learning, need help to grow, even more than humans here do. The two I went to taught me a lot, though honestly, some of the lessons didn’t sink in until years later.

The first realm, there were towers in the center of lovely fields of close-cut grass. The fields were surrounded by dark forests, but no one ever noticed the trees. People sat out in the sun, and picnicked. They chatted as if nothing was wrong – everything was perfect.

And then, the sun began to set… and everyone packed up their things, and went into the black stone towers. Because when the sun went down, the world froze. A flash freeze. Nothing that was outside the towers survived.

People there learned the rules. They learned to obey the laws of the realm – because if they did not, they died. Immediately. You learned to obey, or you died.

My familiar at the time followed me there. When the sun began to set, as I was heading inside the tower, he ran under the steps and vanished. He left the realm rather than go into the tower. He broke the rules… and I was so terrified for him, that I broke our familiar bond.

I fear for people I care about who do not follow the rules. I fear for them so much, that I would rather cut them out of me, break their hearts, than let the consequences of their rule breaking break MY heart. I can’t watch the people I love suffer… so I won’t let them in, and then I don’t have to.

But that’s its own form of hell.

 

The second realm I went to, there was only a single person. There was an indoor swimming pool, and in it was an older woman, screaming, panicking, drowning. She couldn’t swim. So, I went in and fished her out. She immediately began to call me devil’s spawn, evil.. so much hate in this woman I had saved.

It was her lesson to learn to either not ask for help, or to accept the help she receives from wherever it comes, and be grateful.

It was my lesson to learn that you do not interfere with other people’s lessons without being forced to learn WHY THEY NEED THE LESSON. It will ALWAYS cost you.

I also learned that people ask for help when they should do for themselves, and don’t ask for help when they can’t do for themselves…. and neither path is healthy.

 

This is how I learned that people earn their suffering, create it, out of ignorance. And they either learn from it, or they keep suffering, stuck on repeat until they DO learn.

I don’t enjoy suffering. I understand that there are people who have to have suffering. They cannot learn without it. But… I’m ready to move past that. I want to learn, and grow, and not by suffering, but by figuring out where I’m suffering and why… and changing.

So that’s what I want to learn from him.

 

He then asked me to make some promises.

1) That I do something loving for my husband at least once a week that connects us in an emotional way, comes from my heart, and will be understood by his.
2) That I do something loving for each of my three cats once a week with the same meaning.
3) That I do something for MYSELF once a week that is self-care, showing self-love.
4) That I make slow improvements – right now, I have three basic tasks that I must achieve every day (aside from my meditations each evening). In three weeks, I must add a fourth task, every day. It does not have to be the same task, but I must add a fourth task every day.

 

Tonight, we were supposed to do the 10th exercise, Visual Sight Attunement 2 – but I came into the session with a migraine, and my familiar is brand new to showing up to every session, so she’s curious, into everything, and highly distracting… and with a migraine making it hard to concentrate to begin with, we decided that tonight was not a good night to work on my visual sight.

Instead, we worked with my other soul.

She has her own soul-home. Today, we worked to incorporate her soul home and mine.

It was fairly successful. My soulhome now has heavy mist from hot pools, and places where there are rivers of lava instead of water. Under the center, her cavern with its bathing pool of lava, has been incorporated, though I did some upgrades, which she liked.

I feel like… my soul home is my domain. It’s not really hers. Even now, with all the changes I’ve made to try and make her feel welcome, it’s not… quite right. It’s not finished. Something’s missing. So, she has her cavern, and it’s hers, even though it’s in my soulscape.

E said that we’re not blending correctly. We’re both afraid of losing ourselves, and so neither of us will give in. He says the only way to win this, is for both of us to lose. We both have to give in, we both have to give up ourselves… and become together, someone ELSE.

 

Oh… he saw the corpse in her glass coffin. He… didn’t approve. He talked to both of us about it. The thing is, she’s not dead. She’s definitely not alive – there’s no soul, no spirit, there’s nothing to animate the shell that’s in that coffin. But… she’s not dead, either. There’s something about a dead body that is immediately recognizable… and she doesn’t have it, whatever it is. Which means she’s not really a corpse, for all that she’s not alive.

This happens to faeries. But… we never figured out what to do with them… so… I did what my people have always done.

He was… a bit perturbed. Possibly repulsed. And he pointed out that if compartmentalizing her into a graveyard was so toxic, how was putting her in a glass coffin in a cave NOT compartmentalizing, and how was it NOT going to end up ALSO toxic? So… my other soul and I, with his help, decided what we could do about the situation.

And just as we were ready to put our plan in motion…

My familiar began to Kitten again, and yanked me out of meditation so thoroughly that I literally felt it like a shock of cold water. And then E was gone, and that was that.

Which means that tomorrow we’re probably not going to be working on Visual Sight, either. Because this isn’t finished.

 

Although… I think after tomorrow, I’m going to ask for a night off. This is some heavy work… and while I don’t feel rushed… I feel the need to… take some time and really marinate in what I’ve learned so far… look back on it all and, in a relaxed setting, try and see the whole picture. Get some perspective.

I’m going to make him take me dancing. He’s an excellent dancer, and while I look like a spastic seizure with twelve left feet on a human dance floor, dancing in the Astral is amazingly easy and I love it. Also… he has really, REALLY good brandy… so I think I’m going to drink his brandy and make him dance with me. Dancing with him feels… right.

-Raven

HDC Tz

Today was Exercise 4, the first Visual Sight attunement.

I said the invocation, and then I asked Tz to stand in front of the wall. While I was looking, I had this sudden feeling of vertigo…. and the harder I looked, the more I felt like I was mentally falling through the wall. Finally it clicked… Tz was wearing his shielding.

That is some SERIOUSLY cool shielding. I couldn’t see ANYTHING… I just kept feeling like I was falling, and it made me want to Not Look. I can’t wait to learn it.

Anyway, when we were done with him playing with my eyeballs, I asked him if there was anything he wanted to talk about. He brought up my worries about my own internal balance. He made me look at my balance, and really ask myself if I had reason for concerns. He made me see that I was worrying over something that, yes, does happen to other people, but isn’t happening to me. He showed me that I can check myself at any time, and KNOW whether or not I’m losing my balance.

And then, he had me embrace the elemental cycles, just to prove it. We added water to fire, which made earth and air. And then I took in the essences of air, earth, water and then fire, and became each of them, which I have done before. Then, as before, he had me become them all at the same time, and find my balance there, in the center. Then, he had me become NONE of them, and find my balance there.

And there, we found a problem. We found that the brand, while no longer active, has left a scar, has maintained a connection, through the void.

I won’t tell you how we fixed it, but it IS fixed now. I am lucky that he had me searching my bodies and my balances so carefully. And I am VERY grateful for his presence and his help.

Finally, we ended it with a Family Celebration. I called out to all my family, spiritual and physical, and sent out the blessings of the Equinox to them. I also added four new people to the list, which was nice.

So – To my husband, my son, and my mother; to our three cats; to my best friend Telomar; to my faerie wraith, my demon wraith, my hellborn, my specialist, my angel of metatron, my throne angel, my enochian angel, my dosojin, my psychic vampire, my sanguine vampire, my incubus, my cecaelia, my winter court sidhe, my shadow elemental and my east watchtower, and to my three pairs of Temple Fu; to Akelta, Satan’s Hellcat, Velle, and Kitsune from the S&S forum…

Happy Autumnal Equinox. May this moment of balance which falls towards rest, and breaks with the sacrifice of blood on the snow, bring you rest, growth, and a good future harvest.

-Raven

SDC E – Change

Today we did Exercise 9 – Hearing Attunement 3

After the invocation, I asked him what to do about my heart chakra. I had a doctor’s appointment today, with a new doctor. It did not go… well. It didn’t go badly, I guess… but… it just didn’t go well… and this is the only doctor available for me in this area, so… this guy is it.

So… E took me back to the situation. He had me sit with it. See it from the onlooker’s perspective. He asked me what I wanted to do.

I did what any good faerie does in trying times. I stole myself away to faerie. I spent some time repairing her heart, pulling out the chunks that had gotten lodged in there because of her strong resistance to this situation. When she was ready, I took her back… but this time, she had her throne angel guarding her heart chakra. She had her angel of Metatron to speak for her. She had DC Tz’s powerful shields, and Tz himself guarding her body and her back… and she had E, in the doctor’s head, making sure that everything went right on that end.

We agreed… the next time I see him, this is EXACTLY how this will happen. Next time, I will ask for help.

After this, I asked him if there was anything he wanted to talk about…. and he mentioned he wanted to show me something in honor of the Equinox.

When I was a child, I had a repeating dream. I would find myself on a cliff face, leading a group of people. We were not safe where we were, and I needed to lead them across a wide chasm, away from the cliffs, to a protected area. I led them down the cliff, to a stone bridge. When I stepped onto the bridge, it became a knife edge, which I had to stay perfectly balanced on, so that everyone could reach the other side. When the last person had stepped off the knife unharmed, I was free to walk across the bridge myself. I led them into a cul-de-sac, and in it was a lion. I had to fight and kill the lion. When the lion was dead, everyone was safe. We had made it.

E took me back to that place. He said, “Look behind you. Who is there now?” I looked and there was no one. We walked to the bridge. He said, “Do you see the knife? Do you still need to dance?” I looked, and there was no knife, only a bridge, and I did not need to dance. We walked into the cul-de-sac. He said, “Where is the lion you had to defeat?” There was no lion.

And then he said, “What is beyond this point for you?” I didn’t know, so… I walked forward, and looked. At the back of the cul-de-sac, there was a stone archway, and in the archway was a shimmer of… nothing. “What’s through here?” I asked him. “You will never know, if you do not go and find out for yourself.” He answered.

It didn’t feel entirely safe, because I had no idea what I was going to walk into… And E reminded me of the astrological influences of the day. “Your doubt is the Libra influence. Let Aries clear the way.” So… I firmed up my mind, and I walked through the archway.

I was in a room. There were clocks, everywhere, ticking away. There were water features, like those Asian bamboo waterfalls that fill up and then tip. There were mobiles hanging everywhere, carefully balanced. Everything in the room was about balance… but it was about the balance of CYCLES, rather than absolute balance. It wasn’t about blending two extremes and staying centered in that moment… it was about passing through every moment from one extreme to the other and back again.

Seeing it all, I understood. Even in trying to blend the death energies and the life energies in myself, I am resisting my essential nature, which is one of constant CHANGE. I am the cycle. Death gives way to life, and life to death. Summer gives way to winter, and winter to summer. Always, there must be a spring. Always, there must be an autumn. To try to sit absolutely centered between extremes is to stagnate.

I let the cycle happen. I felt it, I let myself experience it fully.

When I really understood, we left the room, I thanked him, and we ended the exercise.

HDC Tz

This was exercise 3 – the first hearing attunement.

I took the night off yesterday, still exhausted from the New Moon ritual, though I did send a brief hello before I fell asleep again.

Tonight, things were quiet. I opened up the canvas with Tz’s sigil on it, laid his offerings on the altar, lit his candle, and spoke the invocation. When he came, his energy gave me a bit of a headache – which is new. I asked him to talk to me, but we didn’t really have a conversation, so much as he held me and I just.. understood some things.

He spoke about my new wholeness, and my recent discovery about what I feed on, and how it works – something that has changed considerably from before I died. He wanted to check in with me and see how I was coping with the information… and he was pleased that I’m accepting things as they are. He pointed out that I’m not reacting the way I would have, previously, but that instead I AM accepting, and that I am happy, I am content.

I agreed. It’s true. The way I look spiritually, and the way I feed now – it feels right. It feels natural. It doesn’t bother me in the slightest.

I probably look startling, even gruesome to others… and for most people the way I feed would probably be frightening, but to me… it just feels… right.

I got a hug, and a sense that he’s rather proud. I thanked him for sharing that perspective, and for reminding me how much I’ve gained… and then we parted for the evening.

SDC E – Walkabout

Exercise 8 – Energy Attunement 3

I took the night off yesterday, still pretty exhausted from the New Moon ritual – I did send a brief feeler out to greet my spiritual family, but other than that, I slept. Tonight was a fairly quiet night. I got a shoulder rub… and he wrapped his tail around my neck, just under my chin. He held my hand in his – I like the feel of his hands… they’re warm, large, rough, but comforting. I haven’t mentioned that before, but they always feel like that, look like that.

He wandered around the house, and I pushed my aura out to follow him at one point, and Mena (my husband’s cat, the one with cancer, who is the most spiritually acute in our fur family, and always sings when new people come around) began bouncing off the wall, chirping and singing. She eventually came into my workspace to see just what the heck was going on, which, given that she’s milked the cancer thing for all the gravy she’s worth and has become larger than some small dogs, was… distracting… but she was very happy… very, VERY happy. She was so ecstatic she drooled on the altar.

We looked at the three cats together – looked at their auras. Mena’s has a lot of purple in it, in various shades… true familiar colors. Velcrow’s colors are redder – you can see where the broken familiar bond has damaged his aura. E asked me about it, so I told him about Velcrow following me into the human hell where during the day when the sun’s up, everything is lovely and people have picnics on the grass, but the moment the sun goes down, everything freezes solid and if you’re caught outside the tower, goodbye. Velcrow, as the sun was going down, ran under the steps to the tower door, and I panicked… and our familiar bond broke, because at the time, I didn’t understand the damage it would do, I was just terrified of him getting hurt… he’s not the brightest bulb. E showed me the damage, and we worked to fix it together. We can’t repair what was done, but at least Crow will be able to be a familiar next life, if he chooses. We also looked at Cleo. Her colors are flame, like a madōkusha, actually. He said this was a good sign, but that she wasn’t like a normal animal familiar, and that I’m going to have to learn a different way of Working for her.

He stopped in the room my husband keeps his own altar, and sighed kinda sadly. In the astral sight, my husband’s altar is covered in the dust of centuries, grey under the weight of neglect. We talked about this, and E suggested that when my husband switches to day shift in a couple of months, that I could encourage him, by inviting him into my circles when I do basic work – not when I work with my household, or when I’m doing my Job, but… he suggested that some kind of morning or evening ritual together on a daily basis might help break my husband out of his spiritual stasis and get him moving on his path again.

Finally, we talked about a new, and surprising addition to the household that occurred this afternoon – an Unbound Throne (by Unbound, I do not mean bound magickally, but spiritually – this Throne has no God/dess it is beholden to). E sent me into my soul-home (he did not come with me this time) to work with this new being. While there, the Throne took my Torc, and in exchange, gave me another seed for my garden – this one a star. I added the essence to my Hope Tree, and watched as my entire garden began to glow, every leaf, every branch, every living thing producing phosphorescence. It was… stunning and beautiful. I realized… I do not have to bring a light into my soulscape. My soul home IS the light.

I came out of the experience, thanked E for his help, and we parted.

Uncontrolled Psychic Vampires

Raven’s Notes:

There are plenty of psychic vampires out there who know that they are psychic vampires, and do not just go around attacking people. They control their abilities, and they don’t exhibit symptoms of emotional vampirism, unlike the uncontrolled psychic vampires described above. PLEASE UNDERSTAND THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN AN ACCIDENTAL EMOTIONAL FEEDER AND A CONTROLLED PSYCHIC VAMPIRE.

Also understand that EVERY human can, and will, accidentally vamp someone else at some time in their lives. When you go visit a friend or relative who is ill, and afterwards you feel extremely drained, it’s because they have taken some of your energy to help them get better faster. When people are feeling emotionally injured, or are dealing with mental illness, when people are attempting to dominate others, or when people are enraged, they will vamp. It’s what humans DO.

Please understand that this post was in no way a jab at psychic vampirism at all. Or at you. As a feeder myself, I understand that when you don’t feed, physical illness follows… and there is nothing wrong with feeders of any sort.

The point of this post was not to point at controlled, healthy psychic vampires, but to explore the fact that EVERYONE is a feeder every once in awhile, AND that there are uncontrolled, unknowing psychic vampires out there. I have met a few. I knew a girl who could drain an entire room of 20 people in under five minutes…. and had no clue she was doing it.

I don’t believe that taking a WILLING person’s energies is evil, or wrong. That would be silly – they’re willing, and we need to feed. And we don’t harm our donors. In fact, the relationship is, as you have said, quite symbiotic. We help, we heal. And there are the rare few out there who are so charged with energy that if we do not find them and help them, they die. They FRY. It’s a horrible way to go. We are a necessary part of human ecology.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a predator. Without lions to kill the sick and the wounded, the whole herd dies. Without psychic vampires to feed on the malaise of the world, humans would do far more festering and rotting than they already do.
However, there are feeders out there who do not know they are feeders. While no one here, I feel, would be an enemy to someone like that, knowing the signs of a feeder in distress, knowing how to protect yourself, and knowing where to send them (House Kheperu is where I usually refer them, because I have no patience with teaching), is important.

Someone who is a willing donor doesn’t need this information… but people who are unwilling donors to the sick, the ignorant, the out of control, DO need this information.
If you suspect that you are a true psychic vampire (someone who needs to feed all the time or your health begins to fail), rather than a short term stress feeder like most humans, please seek out resources to learn to control your abilities, and learn the rules of your people.

The best website that I know of as a resource for psychic vampires is http://kheperu.org/

 

https://www.thoughtco.com/how-a-psychic-vampire-attack-happens-1724677

What is a Psychic Vampire?

A psychic vampire (psy vamp) is a term used to describe a living person who “drains” others emotionally. They do this either empathically (draining the auric life force) or metaphorically (someone who takes emotionally without giving anything back; a “user”). These so-called “vampires” are not to be confused with the blood-sucking vampires of folklore and movieland.

Every person has unknowingly drained someone else’s energy at one time or another.

Chronic psychic vampires generally are not aware that they are stealing energy from others. Fair and balanced energy exchanges take place between people who are in healthier relationships.

Individuals who are psychic vampires are also referred to as psi vamps, energy drains, or energy suckers.

How a Psychic Attack Happens

When a psychic attack takes place, the psychic vampire receives an energy surge while the victim experiences fatigue.

People who suck the energy of others normally do so unwittingly. This sucking takes place when one’s energy is depleted and needs to be replenished, and as a result, sucks the energy of another person. It is not unusual for a person who is ill or feeling inadequate emotionally to draw upon or deplete energized individuals of their life force. These so-called suckers are not bad people, most of them are not aware on a conscious level that they are doing what they are doing.

Still, their unknowing actions can play havoc with anyone who leaves an energetic opening for this type of thievery. It is important for us to be aware that we may be susceptible to having our energies stolen from us and learn ways to protect ourselves.

Where is the Harm?

The harm in a psychic attack is that there is no fair exchange of energy and therefore one feels depleted while the other becomes energized.

Traits of a Psychic Vampire

experiences feelings of abandonment or rejection
needs constant reassurance
never feels satisfied
seeks nurturing
low energy – fatigue

Each of us has psychic-vampire tendencies that sometimes needs to be put into check.

Symptoms of Psychic Attack

leaky or diminishing aura
dizziness
loss of energy
muscle tension
mental confusion
headaches
chronic fatigue
sleep disturbances
irritability
depressed mood
physical illness

Protection Against Psychic Attack

Awareness: Become aware of which individuals deplete your energy and limit your contact with them.

Invoke the White Light: Visualize a bubble of white light surrounding your auric field.

Energy Shields: Carry protective amulets.

Note: Highly Sensitive Persons are especially at risk to being harmed by energy drains.

 

 

Now – if you suspect you are the victim of an uncontrolled (or unethical) psychic vampire, here is a list of protective and healing amulets that you can carry or keep in your environment to protect yourself.

https://www.thoughtco.com/healing-amulets-talismans-and-fetishes-1728673

01 Healing Objects – Amulets, Talismans, and Fetishes

You may not realize it but it is likely you have objects in your home that have a history as healing amulets, protective guards or good luck charms.

Lucky pennies, four-leaf clovers, and a rabbit’s foot are all examples of good luck charms. Aside from these commonly-known good luck amulets, there are many other objects that can be used as intentional tools to attract good luck, happiness, or prosperity. These include the Beckoning Cat, horseshoes, wishbones, Buddha statues, Saint Christopher pendants, bamboo plants, wishing wells, witch balls, worry dolls, hand symbols, and heart charms.

Sacred items such as crystals and gemstones, dried herbs, feathers, ancient symbols, etc. are often used during healing rituals and ceremonies and by holistic healing practitioners.

These healing items can be found tucked inside medicine pouches, crafted in jewelry to be worn as body guards, their use incorporated into healing sessions, or displayed in sacred spaces and home altars

02 Turkish Evil Eye Charms

Evil eyes are protective charms designed to protect the wearer from distrustful or menacing persons with “evil eyes.” The charms also guard individuals against any unseen negative forces that may come looking for them. The idea of some people possessing “evil eyes” originated from instinctual feelings or “hunches” assumed whenever a person’s eyes did not appear trustworthy (shifty or mean). Unfortunately, this means that people with squinted or crossed eyes have been unfairly scapegoated throughout history.

An evil eye charm works by deflecting harmful intent whenever evil looks in your face. Possessing or wearing the evil eye charm as a protective amulet is based on the belief that evil can only harm you if it peers at you directly into your eyes. The evil forces are tricked by the evil eye charm. Rather than evil looking at you eye-to-eye it directs its focus on the evil eye charm where it can do no harm.

Protective evil eye charms are typically worn, carried, or placed in homes. They are also used to guard individuals and corporations against financial losses or poor business dealings.

03 Eye of Horus

The Egyptian Eye of Horus, also called the all-seeing eye, is a protective amulet that keeps guard with an open eye to evil, blocking its menacing ways. It is likened to the falcon god (son Geb and Nut). Potential evils include ill health, thievery, ignorance, and poverty.

Some new agers believe the Eye of Horus symbol serves as a gateway between the third and fourth (astral plane) dimensions. Pairs of eye of horas images are representative of the sun and moon.

04 Zuni Fetishes

Zuni fetishes are Native American objects used as a meditation tool to assist inner reflection and enhance personal insight. Zuni refers to a specific tribe originating in the southwestern region of North America (New Mexico, west of Albuquerque). The animal-shaped carvings were initially made to help the hunter communicate with the game being sought after. For example, a hunter would focus on the animal spirit asking for the animals to honor him by sacrificing its own life so that his tribe could survive.

Other Zuni fetishes were used to learn the lessons various animals could teach mankind. They were also used as gateway tools for communication with the spirit world.

05 Beckoning Cat / Maneki Neko

Japanese in origin, the Beckoning Cat or maneki neko, is a protective and good luck talisman. This cat figurine with its raised paw brings success, prosperity, good health, and happiness.

Beckoning cats come in different colors. Each color offers a different focus in as to what it invites into your life. A gold cat beckons prosperity, black cats beckon good health, white cats beckon happiness.

A Beckoning Cat with its left raised paw is commonly placed in the entry way of a business or near the cash register inviting sales and successes. In the home, a right pawed Beckoning Cat will typically be placed near the entrance of the home or sits on a window sill to attract happiness and good luck.

Smaller likenesses of the Beckoning Cat are worn on the body to ward off illness and protect the wearer from pain and suffering.

06 Egyptian Scarabs

The Egyptian scarab amulet represents immortality and the belief in reincarnation. Egyptians wore scarab amulets to protect them from death. Scarabs were also included in their burials to insure a safe journey into the afterlife.

The Egyptian scarab symbolizes the dung-beetle. The dung-beetle was revered in by the Egyptians for its actions rolling dung balls across the earth. Egyptians believed the beetle’s laborious activity emulated the rotation of the sun, thus awarding the scarab “God Status.”

07 Rosary Beads

The Rosary or prayer beads are used by many different religions and cultures. Beads, gemstones, seeds, or knots are strung together in a continuous loop or on a singular strand. They are also used as a counting tool for reciting prayers.

Although the utilitarian purpose of the rosary is to track prayerful recitations it is also used as a protective amulet against evil forces and all as well as to help its owner to stay on a moral path.

Over the years, beads have been considered to be protective amulets when worn around the neck or hung up somewhere long before they were ever crafted in rosaries. The hole in the center has also been interpreted as a watchful eye to ward off evil and illness. For this reason, beads were a perfect choice for counting prayers.

Catholic Rosary Beads have 150 beads strung in a circular fashion. The beads are divided up in five sets of ten beads each. A larger bead is placed between the sets. A crucifix is typically used as the beginning/ending of the prayer session.

Greek Orthodox Rosary, called kombologion, consists of 103 knots. These are separated in fourths, twenty-five smaller knots each. Three large beads and a pendant are used as markers between the sets.

Russian Orthodox Rosary, called vervista, has 103 knots or beads as well. The beads are placed in groupings of 17, 40, 12, and 33.

Buddhist and Hindu Rosaries (Mala Beads) consist of 108 beads. The mala bracelet typically has 21 beads.

Moslem Rosary, called tasbih, consist of 99 beads. There is also a lesser rosary of only 33 beads. Both of these rosaries have a tassel on the end of the string.

08 The Hagoday Door-Knocker

The Hagoday is a door-knocker fashioned after a fierce looking beast holding a ring inside its mouth. The Hagoday is commonly found on the entryway of safe haven locations such as churches, monasteries, cathedrals, etc. Legend has it that a fugitive could seek refuge and protection inside buildings with the Hagoday adorning its front door.

09 Shiva Lingam Stones

The Shiva Lingam is also known as a “love” stone and is often paired with the Yoni. The Shiva Lingam symbolizes the male genitals and the yoni symbolizes the female genitals. However, the Shiva Lingam is also representative of both the male and female energies because of its egg shape. Egg-shaped gemstones and amulets are used in rebirthing and creation rituals.

Remedy Benefits of Shiva Lingam Stones:

  • Activates Kundalini
  • Energy Booster/Balancer
  • Enhances Fertility
  • Treats Impotence
  • Manifestation Power
  • Resonates with the Heart Chakra
  • Balances Yin and Yang Energies

10 Feathers

Feathers are our connection to the “air” forces. A healer can incorporate the use of feathers in different ways.  The healer may breathe through a feather during a toning session. Chanting sounds through a feather on client’s body can elicit a powerful healing.

The feather can also be useful in cleaning auras. An individual feather can be used or several can be tied together to be used as a fan or whisk for sweeping away stagnant or negative energies. This sweeping technique is called feathering.

11 Mandalas

Mandala is a sanskrit word meaning “circle” or “encircle.” The mandala, and circles in general, symbolize the cycle of life. Although not all mandalas are circular, they are traditionally symmetrical, tapping into the wisdom behind sacred geometry. Mandalas themselves, as well as depictions of mandalas, can be used for transformational or meditative purposes.

Mandalas can be displayed as beautiful pieces of art in your home for delight you visually. But, they serve a larger purpose. Location of a mandala is important. Place them in sacred spaces as a shield to keep negative energies from infiltrating the area, or anywhere where you sense an air of vulnerability. This could be in an entryway, a hallway, bedroom, even inside a closet or bathroom.

Mandalas can be made using a variety of different art mediums including paint, glass, fabric, macrame, sand paintings, computer graphics, and more. I imagine macaroni glued to a paper plate could be considered a mandala if that was your intent. Consider how a chef artfully prepares a nutritious and colorful menu. He serves the meal it to his patron on a dinner plate. That plate represents a “whole universe” filled with his culinary creation… a mandala to be blessed and consumed.

Creating your own mandala can be healing in of itself, it is truly an introspection process. Simply allow yourself to discover those creative juices within that have been waiting for an opportunity to ooze or splat out.  If you are having difficulty getting started, begin my doodling a few circles or spirals onto a notepad. Later on, you can move to a larger canvas.

12 Cowrie Shells

Cowrie shells were worn as amulets in several ancient cultures so they have varied meanings and purposes.

Eye Amulets placed in the eye-sockets of corpses to give sight and new perspective in the afterlife.
Protective Evil Eye Guards for beasts of burden.
Necklaces were made from cowrie shells were placed on elephants, horses, and camels to protect them from attacks.
Ceremonial Headdresses adorned with cowrie shells were common in Nigeria.
Fertility Symbol due to the cowrie’s appearance similar to the female genitalia.
Used as a protector against infertility and to ensure an easy childbirth delivery. Also worn in the girdles of young women who desire pregnancy.

13 Ganesha

Ganesha (also called Ganesh or Elephant God ) is a prominent god in the Hindu religion. In appearance it has an elephant head, its human-like body has multiple arms/hands. Ganesha is depicted in various poses, both sitting, standing, or dancing. Original figurines were carved out of jade, ivory, onyx, and ebony. Today you can find inexpensive Ganesha statues made of molded resin materials. There are also figurines made from metal such as copper. Silver and gold charms are also crafted.

Ganesha’s power is that of good luck in general. But it’s primary talent is to crush ills with its formidable trunk. Thus it dubbed “Remover of Obstacles.” It keeps trouble and difficulties at bay. It makes an excellent guardian of the home, protecting the dwelling itself as a bonus bringing fortune to the inhabitants.

14 Shamocks

The shamrock, a three-leaf clover, is well known globally as a lucky charm. The shamrock originates from Ireland where it was first used as a protective amulet. A shamrock was carried whenever a person may be in situation that could possibly bring harm such as battle or traveling far from home.

The shamrock emblem was adorned on garments as protective symbols that were worn both in India and Arabia.

The Celts were attracted to the shamrock because of its heart-shaped leaves, and viewed it as a magical totem.

The Christians adopted the pagan shamrock, attributing its three leaves as representative of the Holy Trinity (Father, Son, Holy Ghost). St. Patrick is recognized in the Christian faith to have given the shamrock symbol its sacred status.

15 Armadillo Amulet

The armadillo is used as a shielding amulet. This is due to the armor it wears. Unlike us humans with our soft flesh, the armadillo has a hardshell defensive body that protects it from its natural predators. A small carved amulet can be carried in your pocket, a one depicted in jewelry could be worm on the body. A larger one can be placed in a retail business to guard against break-ins. Or place an armadillo in your car to keep you safe from car accidents and fender benders. A  more modern day shielding amulet could be a knight in armor figurine.

16 Witch Balls

Glass orbs called “witch balls” are hung in the window to protect homes from evil spirits. The witch ball attracts any evil spirits that may be lurking about. Once lured to its beauty, negative energies are trapped inside the witch ball where they can do no harm.

Other names for the witch ball include fairy orbs, spirit balls, and gazing balls. An outdoor version is the reflective garden globe found in gardens that sit upon pedestals amidst the flowers.

17 Wishbones

The wishbone of a chicken or turkey is broken as a ritual for wish fulfillment. Breaking the wishbone is a traditional good-luck ritual often used after a family holiday dinner, usually Christmas or Thanksgiving.

To follow the full ritual the wishbone is set aside for 3 days, allowing it to dry and become brittle. The wishbone is named “merrythought” and is handed over to two individuals to pull apart.

Each person wraps their little finger around one side of the wishbone and tugs at it when a signal is given. Prior to tugging a secret wish is formed in the mind. When the wishbone snaps the person holding the piece with the center section still attached will supposedly get his wish fulfilled.

As an amulet the wishbone represents wish fulfillment and is sometimes artistically represented in gold or silver pendants or brooches.

The term “getting a lucky break” originated from the wishbone ritual, referring to having received abundance or winning a prize.

The wishbone has also been used as a fertility charm. Maidens would hang wishbones over the doorway in their homes to attract a suitor to their hearth.

18 Mistletoe

Historically, sprigs of mistletoe were hung above the entryways of homes as a protective amulet to keep demonic forces such as witches and devils from entering. Mistletoe was also hung inside barns as a defensive measure.

The Christmas tradition of kissing under the mistletoe is thought to have happened as result of the season when mistletoe is abundant and because of the entrance of the home being where greetings and welcome kisses were commonly exchanged.

19 Pi Disc

Simplistic good luck charm originating in China is the pi disc (aka pi stone). It is to be worn or carried in the pocket to be used as a type of worry stone. Whenever you are facing difficulty the person is to hold it between finger and thumb and rub it until danger or struggle has ebbed.

The hole in the middle represents passageway to the afterlife and was used as protective amulets for the dead in their burial rituals.

20 Worry Dolls

Worry dolls, sometimes called trouble dolls, are miniature dolls made from scraps of colorful woven cloth, yarn, and wee sticks. The dolls generally measure one to two inches from head-to-toe and are used as protective amulets or healing talismans. They originate from Guatemala and are widely available in world markets and on the internet. You will often find them packaged with four to six worry dolls tucked inside a cloth drawstring bag or small box along with a slip of paper detailing the folklore story about how the dolls got their name.

The dolls are not meant to be played with as toys, but worry dolls can be given to children to teach them how to express worries and handle anxieties. They can also be used as a fashion statement—I’ve seen a row of these tiny colorful dolls attached to girls’ barrettes and headbands. You can purchase worry dolls in bulk for your art projects or craft your own worry dolls using a variety of different materials such as glue, dental floss, yarn, embroidery floss, toothpicks, beads, pipe cleaners, and fabric swatches.

How to Free Yourself from Worries

At bedtime you tell your dolls what your worries are, assigning one worry per doll. Your dolls are then placed underneath your pillow. The dolls are now in possession of your worries, leaving you free to sleep peacefully. In the morning, all your worries are gone, having been processed and scooted away by the dolls.

 

-Raven