An Ending

For years, I believed that you did things because it was all you knew. I thought you showed me how much you cared when you sent me food, cat toys, clothes, books, blankets weighted specifically to help with me with my autistic anxiety attacks, because you didn’t know any other way to show me – and I excused that because of how far away from each other we were… Even stranger, in the beginning when I kept telling you not to do these things, because I felt I would owe you something in return (because everyone always wants something in return for their charity), and because I felt that anyone who buys me things was attempting to buy my love (because it’s happened so many times before) – you told me not to worry about it. None of that was true about US. WE were DIFFERENT.

When my illness became so bad I couldn’t communicate anymore, you waited for me to answer your texts – even when it took months, even when my answers simply never came. Of course, you took me to task for my negligence of you, but you were always been the first to admit you are needy and greedy – and I always assured you that wasn’t the case. I agreed that I was the negligent one.

When I was so sick, I simply wanted to die, and you would tell me I wasn’t allowed to die until you were ready to go, yourself, I told myself that you were being loving… the truth is, telling someone they can only die on your schedule is cruel, and grasping. It is not caring when they’re experiencing what I went through. It’s just more emotional torture added to the experience.

In exchange for all of this perceived care, you received from me acceptance, and excuses for all that you were. I accepted the things in your life, and the things about yourself, that were out of your control, beyond your power to change. I accepted those things about you over which you DID have control, and yet still would not change. I occasionally discussed with you what I thought about how your choices, and lack of choices, were affecting your health – spiritually, physically, and mentally… but I never thought of it as judgment, or a request for you to change… I accepted you, wholly. You were who you were, and that was more than ok… it was wonderful.

While you were going through your separation and eventual divorce, I dealt with your constant  criticism of my relationship with my husband, and your frequent oblique references to your ex, as if my husband was cut from the same cloth. I always told myself that your negativity towards R was because you were so hurt… I realize now that there were other issues you had with my happy relationship – one was jealousy… our relationship is significantly healthier than yours was, and I am happy with my husband. The other issue was one of ownership. Every time I mentioned a problem I had, your immediate response was to tell me to run to you, come live with you and be your only person… you never included my husband in your offers unless I brought him up. In your mind, I belong to you, and with you, and shouldn’t be happy anywhere else, with anyone else. When I look back on conversations where you talked about my husband, I feel very manipulated, emotionally. That is not something a friend would do. 

When you expressed an interest in my husband, I was open about it. I know what happens around you when you want things and have to be sneaky, and that is not what I wanted for any of us. When, to protect myself and my relationship with my husband, I laid your desires on the table, you were angry. Part of it is that you enjoy sneaky theft, but a larger part of it was your deep, abiding fear of rejection. Seduction works for you. Bluntness leaves you too open, too revealed. It terrifies you. 

Of course, you and your therapist decided I was a raping raper who pushed you towards things you swore afterwards that you didn’t ever say you wanted. You looked good from that angle… and I took the fall like a good dog. 

When I agreed to take a stronger roll in my own life and power, and in yours, I asked for one thing from both you and the Universe. I asked that I no longer carry the blame for those things that are beyond my control… and you failed to keep your oath.

I experienced something I did not understand, and I came to you for help. You laughed at me, and then you told me that what I’d done (even though it was something beyond my control) was stupid, and that it was going to cause you harm, and that maybe next time I found myself in such a predicament, I should take a moment to think about the larger picture, and all the facts, before I do something like that again.

In other words… you blamed me, and you chastised me. 

You seem to think you gave me information I was unhappy to learn. I was glad to learn what my power had done. I was happy to understand. What pissed me off was your attack of things I had no control over, your blame of me. It’s like yelling at cats for having hairballs or shedding. They have fur – to expect them not to have trouble with their fur from time to time is irrational, and to hold them accountable for their troubles is unreasonable and cruel. 

When I found myself in a situation where I was doing things, but didn’t know what was happening, or even WHY, and I came to you for help – you lorded your superiority over me, and told me, once again, that I think I’m just SO smart that I can do anything I want, because I’ll always find a way out of it. Except that you know that’s not true, and that’s not how I think. This is not the first time we’ve had this EXACT discussion… or even the 90th.

The truth is there are moments in my life where I am fully aware of everything going on around me, yet I am not the one in the driver seat… It appears to everyone else that I am in complete control of what is happening, and yet THAT’S NOT ACTUALLY ME. I move, speak, change the world, and everyone sees my face, my mind, my hands; everyone hears my voice. It’s still not me. I do agree that I’m fully conscious in those moments, where time and the multiverse seem to take a breath, before a sudden wave of power and will changes everything completely… and the epicenter is absolutely me, but I am still not the architect – and saying that I am is like saying I’m to blame for the sun rising.

It doesn’t seem to matter how many times I say this to you – you refuse to understand it. No matter how many times I tell you, “I wasn’t thinking anything at all – there wasn’t an opportunity for me to think, ‘Maybe I shouldn’t do this,’ or ‘Wow, the ramifications of this action make it inadvisable…'” – you STILL insist that because I was there, and the action happened through me, that somehow I could have stopped it, could have changed it… and that next time this happens, I should take control and make it NOT happen.

All this, while also telling me that one of my biggest issues is that I try to control everything (though of course anyone who consistently has their life turned upside down by a puppet master universe would OF COURSE have control issues) and that I should stop “insisting that the system behave the way I want it to,” WHILE you’re simultaneously telling me I should have more control over myself.

The final straw, I think, was that when I asked, you, no… BEGGED YOU to PLEASE attempt to see what was happening to me from my perspective so that you would understand why blaming me for this type of shit is so hurtful, ESPECIALLY COMING FROM SOMEONE LIKE YOU WHO HAS BEEN THERE, TOO… 

When I said to you that you do not seem to understand when I tell you with words, or when I write it down, or when you see it happen to me, but that you seem to ONLY learn by doing, so would you please ALLOW a flow of information to SHOW YOU, BY YOU DOING IT YOURSELF, and you told me I was asking you to be raped – more than that, you told the world that I WANTED you to be raped, that I insisted on it… despite the fact that both of us have been in situations where we were not in control of what happened to our bodies, and neither of us would EVER wish that on ANYONE, EVER… that accusation was just it for me. 

The moment you said that you were not interested in experiencing my world for yourself, I said, OK. I stopped asking you for what I needed, and tried, ONCE AGAIN, to explain IN WORDS what I go through, and you called it a lecture, and then you threatened me – and then you followed that with some incredibly passive-aggressive bullshit.

That was the moment I realized how toxic you are.

I find it interesting that when I won’t do my job, I’m a horrible person, and when I do my job, I’m to blame for the things that happen through me. You call what I asked you to try and experience “Rape.” This essentially means, when you asked me to take back my power, you were asking me to accept rape… and now you’re blaming me for the results… and telling me I’m a rapist because I asked you to attempt to view things from my perspective. What I hear you saying is that it’s ok for me to be raped, and for you to blame me, but it’s not ok for you to emotionally, spiritually, or mentally support me while I endure what you have asked me to endure.

All the gifts in the world don’t make up for you calling me a rapist because I asked you for understanding – asked you for something EVERYONE NEEDS. All the food in the world would not make up for you being ok with me experiencing what you consider to be rape, and also being ok with blaming me for the results. All the pretty dresses, all the plush toys, all the blankets in the world, don’t make up for you greedily telling me that I don’t get to die on my own schedule, but yours. All the visits to organize my medical care, all the offers to pay for various therapies, don’t make up for you lying to me about so many things, and then blaming me for not knowing anything. 22 years of friendship doesn’t make up for you continuing to blame me for shit I cannot help, while doing your damnedest to remain as pure as the driven snow.

That’s about as pure as the shoveled shit. You have betrayed me, abandoned me – every time I have become homeless it has been because of you and your choices. Every time I’ve moved across country, except for the very last, it has been to suit your desires – to either have me, or to throw me away because you found something better for a little while – and the one time I have moved by choice, and for my own reasons – the one time I’ve managed to maintain a stable life for an extended period – when you finally realized what you had chosen over me wasn’t going to work for you anymore, you began trying to emotionally blackmail me into changing my decision.

Do not reply to this post. Do not call me. Do not email me. Do not send me another single thing in an attempt to make yourself feel less guilty for who and what you are, and all the betrayals you have heaped on me over the years. I do not want you – in my life, in my power, in my future – we are not family, we are not friends… and I don’t care enough to even want to be enemies – because you’re not even worth THAT kind of energy.

I have forgiven you, accepted you, loved you… and you have lied to me, accused me, blamed me, betrayed me… and all of this, for the last time. I’m done with you.

 I’ve blocked your phone number and your emails. We’re done. I got help and removed my power from your family line, untwisted our fate, and separated our godhead. We are now two, on two separate paths. I have paid you what I owe, and washed my hands of all of it. 

Thank the gods we’re over. That was the silliest 20,000 years of my life. 

Spell to Protect another Spell from Damage or Destruction

“Neither earth, nor water, nor fire, nor air,
Nor any element between,
Neither rain, nor sleet, nor gloom of night,
Nor sun, nor sprite, nor meddling God,
Nor demon, angel, or denizen of places between spaces,
Shall stay this spell from the swift completion of its appointed purpose…
I bind this spell by might of Three…
By Spirit, Astral and my own Body.”

Written by K. Christmas.


 I keep dreaming curses… I dream that I am speaking them. So far I’ve received two of the nasty little things, and I don’t have a CLUE why. 

The first one, I called The Faerie Curse because in the dream I was in full Fae getup. Here it is: 

May you see the truth, but never speak it,
Plant the seed but never reap it,
Take the head but never bleed it,
Find true love but never keep it. 

And the second one, which is not as bad, seems to be the curse laid on Merlyn, though it could also be a God Curse, and you’ll see why… 

In the darkness do I bind you, 
In the darkness you’ll remain 
Until the time true love does find you 
And can speak your Holy Name. 

I don’t understand why these things keep showing up, but they’re nasty and I don’t like it. Any ideas???

Cancer New Moon Meditation

Take three deep breaths. The first breath relaxes your body. The second breath relaxes your mind and heart. The third breath relaxes your soul.

In your mind, become aware of your toes. Imagine that your toes are turning from flesh into water, held in a skin of more water. They keep their shape, but they become water. Your toes are becoming water. Your toes are water. And the water flows upwards into your feet, so that your feet are becoming water. Your feet are becoming water. Your feet are water. Now your ankles are becoming water. Your ankles are becoming water. Your ankles are water. And now your lower legs are becoming water. Your calves and shins are becoming water. Your lower legs are water. Your knees are becoming water. Your knees are becoming water. Your knees are water. Your upper legs are becoming water. Your upper legs are becoming water. Your upper legs are water. Your buttocks and hips, your root and your womb are becoming water. Your pelvic region is becoming water. Your pelvic region is water. Your stomach and lower back are becoming water. Your stomach and lower back are becoming water. Your stomach and lower back are water. Your chest and upper back are becoming water. Your chest and upper back are becoming water. Your chest and upper back are water. Your spine and shoulders are becoming water. Your spine and shoulders are becoming water. Your spine and shoulders are water. Your arms are becoming water. Your arms are becoming water. Your arms are water. Your hands and fingers are becoming water. Your hands and fingers are becoming water. Your hands and fingers are water. Your neck and head are becoming water. Your neck and head are becoming water. Your neck and head are water. Your face is becoming water. Your face is becoming water. Your face is water. Your whole body, from the tips of your toes and the balls of your feet to the crown of your head and the tips of your hair is water. In the very center of your body, where your solar plexus is, you see a light. You are drawn into that light, pulled in, diving in to the center of yourself… and with a splash, the water releases, and you are centered, grounded in water, and without body… you are water in water.

Slowly, your awareness crystallizes into a new shape. You are yourself as a child, young and innocent. Before you, but not apart from you, you see yourself as Mother. You feel the two selves, the childself and the motherself, as two distinct parts of yourself, yet you know they are both you, and you are both of them. Your motherself begins to speak to you as your childself. She tells you a truth about your childhood – a theme in your life that has its roots in your childhood. You can see, suddenly, how this theme plays itself out over and over, like ripples in a pond, or an echo in the cliffs, throughout your life… and with this awareness comes the recognition of your own power over this repetition. You know that this theme can be changed by you, removed by you, or kept by you… that the power rests completely in your hands… and you choose in this moment the path that is best for you. With full comprehension of this ripple from your childhood, you have the power to change it or leave it, and you choose to do what is most right for you in this moment, understanding the lesson of the repetition of this childhood theme, and understanding your needs in this moment.

You thank your motherself for her wisdom, and, as your childself, you give her a hug – the hug a child gives a mother, and the hug a mother gives a child. As you hold her, you feel her begin to change, and grow, becoming larger, softer. You now rest your head on the breast of the Great Mother, and as She holds you, you feel as though you have come home – you are completely comforted, feeling loved and mothered, safe against Her breast. You can hear Her heart beating, and the sound surrounds you. You realize you are no longer on Her breast, but inside her womb.

With a sudden wave of water, you are born in a rush. Along with you, the womb of the Earth gives birth to other people, and many animals – birds and insects, frogs and fireflies, deer and leopards, trees and plants, stones and stars… and you realize, this is your family… all the life of the Great Mother Earth, these are your brothers and sisters, your fathers and mothers, your children. The great hawk of the sky, and every cloud in it, the snake on the ground, and every plant on it – the hunters and the prey, the land they move upon, the sky above them, the stars, the planets, to the center of the universe and beyond, you have a vast family. You feel in that moment that although you are small, you have come home. Everything that lives, everything that exists, has a home upon the earth, or spinning within the multiverse.

When you are ready, you know it is time to bring this knowledge of your true home and family back to your present life, your present soul, mind, heart, and body. You take three, deep breaths. The first one gathers the waters that are you together, and awakens your soul. The second breath changes the water into flesh, and awakens your mind and heart. The third breath awakens your body to this world and this reality. You open your eyes, and smile.

Sagittarius Full Moon (lover’s moon) Meditation

This meditation was jointly written by R and I. 

Ground and center – connect to the core of yourself, your solar plexus chakra. Imagine that this chakra expands, fills your entire body with yellow light. See that light touch your root and your crown. See that light plunge into the earth, connecting the core of you to the core of the earth through the root chakra. See that light plunge into the universe, connecting the core of you to the core of the universe through the crown chakra. See the core of you connect to the core of the universe through the crown chakra. Take three deep breaths. The first breath relaxes the body. The second breath relaxes the mind. The third breath relaxes the soul.

In your mind, imagine that you find yourself in a land of shadows. It’s warm, safe, familiar, even though it’s dark. You know that, today, joining the shadows is not a scary thing, but actually something to be desired. You look down, and find that your toes are turning into shadow, and blowing away. This isn’t a frightening thing, but a comfortable experience… you feel totally at peace. So your feet become shadow, and blow away. Your calves and shins become shadows, and blow away. Your knees and thighs become shadows, and blow away. Your root and womb become pure light, as your hips and buttocks become shadows, and blow away. Your solar plexus becomes pure light, and your body around it, your stomach and back, become shadows, and blow away. Your heart becomes pure light, and your chest and shoulders become shadows, and blow away. Your arms become shadows, and blow away. Your neck becomes a shadow, and blows away, leaving the brilliant blue light of your throat behind. Your face becomes shadow, and blows away, leaving behind your psychic eye, shining light in the darkness. Your crown becomes pure light, and your head becomes shadows, and blows away. Your body is shadows, and is blown away, blending with all the shadows around you, leaving behind only the brilliant light of your chakras, clean and pure.

You find yourself in a deep, dark cave. The ground you walk on is covered with rocks, so many sharp and jagged points that it’s hard to find your way through the cave to the center… and you almost don’t want to proceed… but you know that it is important that you continue. There’s a close feeling, a pressure, it’s warm and moist, uncomfortable. You pick your way through the rocky debris, moving towards a source of light, coming from the ground in the center of the cave. The light is red, the shadows made very dark. You see your own shadow thrown up against the wall, and you are drawn away from the center, to touch the wall where your shadow stands.

The wall is damp, slick and wet when you touch it. You touch the shadow, and feel as if a hand is touching you. When you touch it, you realize that it speaks to you, in that small voice which we all have inside of us. The shadow tells you something about yourself… a negative belief or behavior you need to get rid of. When you accept that it is time to let go of this negativity, the wall gives way and your hand eases into the rock, to allow you to take hold of that negativity. You experience a slight pain, as if your hand had sunk into your own body, and then a slight relief when your hand is released from the rock, now possessing the negativity. Suddenly, a sharp pain makes you look at the hand now released from the rock. As you look at your palm, a large boil rises from it. You know that the boil represents a sour spot in your soul. As it rises from the center of your palm, it crystallizes and becomes a rock – an unopened geode, encompassing the entire self-destructive trait. Within you, you sense the emptiness where that negativity once lived – a gaping hole inside of you, which makes you feel lighter, a relief, and with a sudden revelation you realize that this is true freedom. You walk to the center of the cave, where you find a fissure, filled with lava, the source of the light. You throw the stone shard that is the negativity you need to release, into the lava, shouting “I release you! I am Free!” You watch the stone piece melt, becoming lava. You reach into the lava, and take a handful of the glowing light, and walk back to your shadow on the wall. Once again, you reach out to touch the shadow on the wall, and your hand sinks into the wall. You can feel your hand sinking into you, as you fill the hole in wall, in yourself, with the hot, glowing lava. You fill yourself with white-hot light. You know that what will bloom in the emptiness where darkness once dwelled will be something of the light, something beautiful, something healthy and pure… you will gain a positive trait in exchange for your negativity.

Knowing yourself truly free, feeling lighter and happier, you leave the cave, thanking the elements of earth and fire as you go.
Slowly, you coalesce from shadow into solidity. Your head becomes solid. Your face becomes solid. Your neck becomes solid. Your shoulders and your arms become solid. Your chest becomes solid. Your back becomes solid. Your stomach, your womb, your hips and your buttocks become solid. Your thighs become solid. Your knees become solid. Your shins and your calves become solid. Your feet become solid. Your toes become solid. You are completely solid, full of light. You ground and center. You take three deep breaths. The first breath awakens the soul. The second breath awakens the heart and the mind. The third breath awakens the body. You awaken, and open your eyes, refreshed, relaxed, and free.

Gemini New Moon Meditation

Take three, deep, relaxing breaths. The first breath relaxes your body. The second breath relaxes your mind. The third breath relaxes your soul.

Below you is a ball of golden light. The light is moving, moving towards your feet… and as it moves into your feet, your feet relax completely. All the stress and tension disappears from them. Slowly, the light expands and moves upwards into your calves, relaxing them completely. And the golden light continues to expand, into your knees… and your thighs… into your root chakra, now red edged with gold…. And it flows up your core, relaxing your body as it flows, into your womb… and then your center… and then your heart… and then your throat… and it flows down your arms into your palms and fingers… and then into your head, your third eye… and your crown… and finally, above you, it connects with the gold chakra six inches above your head… the center of your knowing, Godself… the center of wisdom.

The moment you connect to your gold chakra, you see before you a spiral staircase leading upwards. There is a plaque on a stand next to the stairs, which says “Akashic Library.” There is a rope across the stairs, and a person standing next to them.

You walk forward, knowing that the time has come for you to meet your Librarian, and begin to read your own book, the book of your lives. When you reach the person standing next to the stairs, you say your name. The person unhitches the rope from one side, and gestures you onto the staircase.

You begin your ascent, and in the beginning, you count the stairs… 1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…9…10…11…12… Finally, you reach the top of the stairs, and come to a double set of glass doors edged in a golden metal, one before the other. You enter the Library, passing through both sets of doors… and walk up to the desk you find, just inside.

You tell the Librarian behind the desk your name, and ask to see your book. The Librarian smiles, nods, and rings a bell… the sound echoes pleasantly in your head, and all around you.

Soon, another Librarian arrives, one familiar to you. This Librarian is the one who cares for your Book. With a gesture towards you that says to follow, your Librarian leads you into the Library, and straight to your Book. Placing your Book into your hands, the Librarian bows to you, and then leads you into a small chamber nearby, with a desk in it which has a slanted top, a well-placed reading lamp, and a comfortable chair. After you enter, the Librarian politely closes the door behind you, but remains just outside. You know that when you are finished reading, your Librarian will again take charge of your book, carefully placing it back where it belongs before leading you back to the entrance to the Library.

Sitting down at the desk in the comfortable chair, you lay your book on the desk, open it up, and begin to read… and as you read, as if you had lost a memory and only just rediscovered it, you begin to remember your lives, and tap into your incredible wisdom.

Take as long as you need.

When you are ready, get up from the desk. Stretch a bit. Walk to the door, letting your Librarian back in to again take charge of your book.

After the Librarian places the book back where it belongs, you are led back to the desk and the front doors. You thank your Librarian, and the Librarian at the desk, and leave the Library, slowly walking down the spiral staircase and back to consciousness.

You again count the steps. 12…11…10…9…8…7…6…5…4…3…2…1… and then you become aware again of the gold light within you. You take a moment to ground and center, sending the golden light back down into the earth. With a deep breath, you awaken your soul to this reality. With a second deep breath, you awaken your mind to this reality. With a third and final deep breath, you awaken your body to this reality, and open your eyes.

Scorpio Full Moon (Flower Moon) Meditation

Close your eyes, and take three, deep, focusing breaths. The first relaxes your body. The second relaxes your heart and mind. The third relaxes your soul.

Now, beginning with your toes, relax your body. Relax so deeply, your body becomes liquid. Your body becomes warm and relaxing water. Your toes and your fingers are becoming water, your toes and your fingers are water, your toes and your fingers are completely relaxed. Your hands and your feet are becoming water, your hands and your feet are water, your hands and your feet are totally relaxed. Your wrists and your ankles are becoming water, your wrists and your ankles are water, your wrists and your ankles are completely relaxed. (Continue relaxing calves and forearms, thighs and upper arms, hips and shoulders, body and neck, face and head.)

You are completely relaxed, completely water. You sink deep into the center of yourself, diving down, down, down, until you come to awareness beside a creek that is flowing into a cave. The full moon above you, the sounds of the night – crickets, owls and other night birds, frogs, the burbling of the stream, the stars, the rustle of trees in the breeze – all bring to you a feeling of safety, security. You feel so content; you could almost stay here forever.

Looking around, you catch sight of the cave again, and though it is quite fulfilling to remain beside the river, your curiosity, and something deep within you that isn’t quite so calm, drives you to examine it closer. That restless feeling within you, that slight discontented disturbance, seems to be pulled out of your depths by the very stars above you.

You follow the rivulet into the cave. As you go deeper, you discover that there is a path, a glowing pattern of cave moss that leads you onward by its dim illumination. The creek quickly sinks into the ground, leaving you with only the pale illumination of the lichens to guide your way. You feel no fear, but only a driving restlessness guiding your steps onward.

As you continue down into the depths, you begin to hear the sound of dripping water coming from up ahead. With one hand on a wall of the tunnel, you begin to seek the water, knowing, somehow, that only discovering the source of that sound will quell the disquiet within you. Your steps become faster, and faster, as you go deeper and deeper.

Finally, in a headlong rush, you come to an enormous chamber at the heart of the cave, and in the center, there is a pool, and it is there that you find the source of the dripping sound. Water trickles down a stalactite thicker around that you are tall, emphasizing the size of the chamber by its length.

The pool of water below it is so black in the dim light of the cave moss, it almost looks like a pool made of pure shadow, but an odd, pearlescent light coming from its depths reflects off the stalactite above it… and suddenly you know that this is the source of your dissatisfaction – and what lies within is the solution. Peering into its depths, you see faint outlines of sunken treasure, all of it emitting the strange light… and you know you have to examine the items closer.

You test the water with your hand. It has a faint, mineral scent to it, but it is warm and comfortable, smooth as silk against your skin. Slowly, you lower yourself into the water.

Taking a deep breath, you bend over, and thrust yourself into the depths, diving towards the bottom below you. You can feel the water pressing against your ears, sliding along your skin, the bubbles formed by your pumping legs as you kick yourself deeper and deeper, reaching for the sand and the secrets buried there.

When you reach the bottom, you discover that you can sit on the ground quite comfortably, and that you can breathe the water. You know you can stay down here for as long as you need. You begin to explore the treasured objects buried here. The first one you pick up startles you, because as you touch it, you receive an emotion-laden memory of what formed it. It is a memory and an emotion from your past. Surprised, you drop it… but then, wonderingly, you pick it up again, and watch the memory, feeling the emotions from that moment as clearly as if you were there all over again.

When you have received the full memory, you let the item fall, and move to pick up another one, and another, and another. You explore every item buried in the sands around you… and as you touch them, you begin to feel that some are more important, more urgent, than others.
When you have examined all the objects, thank them for the memories. Choosing the most urgent item, push yourself off the ground, and carry it back to the surface of the pool with you, along with the memory and the emotions that belong to it.

Place it on the ground beside the pool, and pull yourself out of the water. When you are out of the water, you turn to contemplate the object again, and discover that it has become another you – the person that you were when the emotion-laden memory was formed. Now, you have the opportunity to resolve the restlessness, the discontent, and the troubled emotions that you have carried with you from this event.
You sit down with your younger self, and begin to speak from your older awareness, and your understanding of where you are now. You converse with your younger self, saying what that self needs to hear, to release those old, stale emotions, to let go of the pain you’re holding onto.

When the process is complete, your younger self becomes the object once more. You pick up the item, and hold it to your chest. As it melts into your heart chakra and heals the old wound, you smile, and say “This is cleared!”

When you are ready, you return to the surface, following the cave moss, and then the creek, back to the surface, and from that surface, back to consciousness. You take three deep breaths… the first one awakens your soul to this reality. The second breath awakens your heart and mind to this reality. The third breath awakens your body to this reality.

Now, open your eyes, and smile. You have healed a moment from your past. Brightest Blessings!

Taurus New Moon Meditation

Sit comfortably, with your back straight, making sure that your arms and legs are not crossed. Rest your hands in your lap, palms down.

Now, imagine that you see a golden ball of beautiful, warm light surrounding your feet. The golden ball of warm light brings peace and total relaxation. Wherever the ball of light goes, tension departs. Let it go, and as it goes, feel your feet filled with the warm, golden glow of peace and total relaxation.

Now allow this ball of light to rise up your legs and up your torso. Then allow it to go down your arms to your fingers, and finally up your neck and into your head until you are completely covered with the warm, golden glow of total peace and relaxation, and all tension is gone. If you notice tension anywhere, send the ball of light there and the tension will vanish.

Take three deep breaths, from the womb, from the root. Breathe in the ball of light. With the first breath, forget your body. With the second breath, the mind and heart relax so completely, all is silent. With the third breath, you become pure soul, your god-self. You remember the moment you stepped through the mirror in your temple – you remember it so clearly, you experience that moment all over again.

You remember that a breeze moved through the temple, and the surface of the mirror rippled. Your hand sank into the flowing, liquid metal, and grasped the hand of your soul’s true self. Without thought, you stepped into the mirror, and as you did, your true self stepped into you, blending two into one, one soul, one mind, one heart, one body, without meaningless imperfections.

You remember becoming your God-self, and looking around you. You remember seeing the world, seeing each person in this room, seeing the truth… that we are all one, and that we are all perfect. No flaws, no injuries, no sickness, no sorrow. We are God.

You turn to look behind you, and see the mirror you stepped through. In its reflection, you see the other side of the temple – the old self, the old life, the side you left behind – and you are filled with joy at who you have become – so filled with happiness that you have to share your pleasure in the world around you, and its perfection, which echoes your own. You face the mirror, and blow on its surface.

It ripples, and the image of the life you left behind disappears. In its place you see your new self, your God-self. You blow on the surface a second time and the image of you changes – as the Goddess once looked into her sacred mirror and saw the God, and drew him out of it so that she would no longer be alone, now you see before you, and draw out, your own perfect and equal opposite.

You gaze into your other self’s eyes, and again are overcome with joy and love for your two selves – so filled with it, you clasp the hands of your opposite self and begin to dance – using movement to express what words cannot.

As all creation Gods and Goddesses before you, as you dance with yourself, your opposite, everywhere you step, flowers spring up – and you know that these are the seeds of your intentions, growing up in your life. You are overwhelmed with the exquisiteness of your creations – and even the plants in the shadows, created by your negativity, teach you something, and have their own strange beauty. You dance, and dance, laughing and in love, full of joy, of possibilities, and hope, all around the room, covering the room in all the things you have created for yourself in your lifetime – until breathless, both your selves come to a halt, once again before the mirror.

Your female self stands before the mirror with her back to it, and face your opposite Self. The male half of you kneels before the female half of you. He kisses her right foot and her left foot, saying “Blessed be thy feet, which have brought thee in these ways.” He kisses her right knee and her left knee, saying “Blessed be thy knees, which shall kneel at the sacred altar.” He kisses her womb, and says “Blessed be thy womb, without which we would not be.” He kisses her right breast and her left breast, saying “Blessed be thy breasts, formed in beauty.” He kisses her lips, embracing her length to length with your feet touching, and says “Blessed be thy lips, which shall utter the Sacred Names.”

Then he kneels before her again and says, touching her right breast, left breast, and womb twice, ending at the right breast again, “I invoke thee and call upon thee, Mighty Mother of us All, bringer of fruitfulness; by seed and root, by bud and stem, by leaf and flower and fruit, by life and love do I invoke thee to descend upon the body of this thy servant and priestess.”

Still kneeling, he then says “Hail, Goddess! From thy blessed womb pour forth thy store of love; I bow before thee, I adore thee to the end, with loving sacrifice thy shrines adorn.” Kissing her right foot, he says, “Thy foot is to my lip, my prayer up-borne upon the rising incense-smoke; then spend Thine ancient love, O Mighty One, descend to aid me, who without thee am forlorn.”

He stands up, and takes a step backwards, still facing her. She draws the Invoking Pentagram of Earth (from the top to the bottom left, to the middle right, to the middle left, to the bottom right, to the top), with her right forefinger, saying “Of the Mother darksome and divine, mine the scourge, and mine the kiss; the five-point star of love and bliss – here I charge you, in this sign.”

The ritual of Drawing Down the Moon is complete, and now he and she trade places, moving clockwise, so that you may draw down the Sun.

She gives him the five-fold kiss, saying as she kisses his right foot and his left foot: “Blessed be thy feet, which have brought thee in these ways. She kisses his right knee and his left knee, saying “Blessed be thy knees, which shall kneel at the sacred altar.” She kisses him just above the pubic hair, saying “Blessed be thy phallus, without which we would not be.” She kisses his right breast and his left breast, saying, “Blessed be thy breast, formed in strength.” She kisses his lips, embracing him length to length with feet touching, saying “Blessed be thy lips, which shall utter the sacred names.”

She steps back a pace and kneels before him, saying, “Deep calls on height, the Goddess on the God, on him who is the flame that quickens her; that he and she may seize the silver reins and ride as one the twin-horsed chariot. Let the hammer strike the anvil, let the lightening touch the earth, let the Lance ensoul the Grail; let the magic come to birth.” With her right forefinger, she touches his throat, left hip, right breast, left breast, right hip, and throat again, forming the invoking pentagram of fire. Spreading her hands outward, palms forward, she says “In her name do I invoke thee, mighty father of us all – Lugh, Pan, Belin, Herne, Cernunnos – come in answer to my call! Descend, I pray thee, in thy servant and priest.”

She stands, and takes a step backwards. He makes the invoking pentagram of fire before her with his right forefinger (from the top to the bottom right, to the middle left, to the middle right, to the bottom left, to the top again) saying “Let there be light.”
The two halves of your Godself clasp hands, embracing length to length, and you become One again – and know the power of your own Godhood.

Knowing your power, knowing that you are the Creatrix and Creator of your life, your reality, your destiny, knowing now that you are a Power to be reckoned with, that you are One, and you are GOD, you know it is time to bring that knowledge into consciousness.

You take three deep breaths, and begin to awaken. The first breath awakens your soul to this reality. Your second breath awakens your heart and your mind to this reality. The third breath awakens your body to this reality. You take a final deep breath, and open your eyes, knowing your own power and greatness, knowing you are Goddess and God, in one body, in one soul… knowing your true self.

New Guide

I have a new guide, named Jymm. He’s taking over for Marie, who is going on to a new Job. Jymm’s not just going to be doing the work that Marie did with/for me – he’s also my Library interface. 
After something a little acquisitive tried to steal me from my Patrons, resulting in the utter destruction of my Temple and my Hall, we’ve temporarily relocated – guides, patrons, and all – to a conference hall in the Akashic Library, and I’ve stopped hiding under glamour, instead stepping into my power and my full self. 
I’m still not sure what all this means. 

To Protect Children – Magickal Correspondences

To overcome a bad childhood: Plant – Valerian; Goddess – Atlanta

To recover from a bad childhood: Color – Pink; Stone – Pink Calcite, Rose Quartz 
To protect the happiness and welfare of children: Goddess – Sasthi 
To protect a needy child: Goddess – Akonadi 
To comfort sick or distressed children in crisis: Goddess – Yemaya 
To help children after accidents or trauma: Plant – Sweet Potato 
To increase a child’s emotional security: Charm – Teddy Bear; Potion – Chamomile Tea 
To protect small/young children: Plant – Fava Bean; Goddess – Artemis, Kwan Yin, Yemaya; God – Legba 
To defend children: Goddess – Boldogasszony 

To protect children: Moon; Animal – Bear, Cheetah, Musk Ox; Stone – agate, alum, amber, coral, malachite; Metal – Gold, silver; Plant – Angelica, Dill, Flax, Putranjiva Seed; Goddess: Artemis, Athirat, Bast, Boldogasszony, Brigid, Cairene, Hariti, Hecate, Isis, Kishi-Mojin, Sasthi, Sekhmet (The Great Cow Who Protects Her Child), Ursula, Yashoda; God – Acat, Bes, Chang Hsien (Protector of Children), Jizo; Evocation – Hariti 
To protect children from bad influences: Stone – Citrine 
To protect children from danger: Stone – Coral 
To protect children when they leave home: Goddess – Abeona
To protect children while sleeping: Plant – Garlic; Goddess – Cardea 
To protect small/young children: Plant – Fava Bean; Goddess – Kwan Yin, Yemaya; God – Legba 
To protect teenagers: Stone – Citrine 
To save a child’s life: Goddess – Isis; God – Maximon, Thoth 
To take care of children: Goddess – Renenet 

To prevent child abuse: Goddess – Isis, Kali 
To protect against child abuse: Goddess – Kali, Sekhmet 
To prosecute child abuse: Goddess – Isis 

To avenge abuse: Goddess – The Crone; God – Bran, Hephaestus 
To protect against abuse: Color – Black; Stone – Jasper, Lapis Lazuli, Obsidian, Smoky Quartz; Plant – Dragon’s Blood, Frankincense, Laurel, Saffron 
To recover from abuse: Plant – Onion; Goddess – Rhiannon


Well, That Says It Exactly…

Two warnings… this is really heavy, and it’s spoken words, not sung, so you may not like it. I’m not even sure that I like it – I prefer musical lyrics… but the song is exactly what I wanted to say – sometimes I’m angry, sometimes I’m sad, but if tearing myself apart at the seams, losing my heart and my soul, is what’s required to keep safe those that I love, those under my protection, then that is exactly what I will do, with almost no regrets, especially if, later, I discover it really was worth it. 
Second warning… the video takes a little while to load. Pause it until it’s done loading so you don’t have that annoying pause every few seconds. 

Spectral Invisibility

The spell is pretty simple, but at least one of the ingredients, you’ll have to order by mail, and that’s the storage box. However, if you can get a God of Invisibility to assist you in charging everything, the resulting powdered ash will provide you with a temporary cloaking of the spectral glow. When you’re done, wipe the ashes away, and put the stones back in their keep box with the rest of the ash, add a little primrose oil to the anointed spots, and you’re visible again.

Oh, and just in case you needed the extra information, the underlined items in this post are all hyperlinks. 

Supplies Needed

The following dried and powdered herbs —
1 tbsp Asafetida (burn the dried herb into ash) – to unmanifest spirits
1tsp Marjoram (burned into ash) – to comfort the dead
2tbsp Mistletoe (burned into ash) – for invisibility
2 tsp Vervain (burned into ash) – for invisibility
1 tsp Cowslip (Powdered) – to communicate with the dead
2 tbsp Yew (burned into ash) – to raise/revive the dead
2 tbsp Mugwort (burned into ash) – to see spirits
2 tbsp Wormwood (burned into ash) – to see spirits
1tbsp + 1tsp Linden (powdered) — to assist communication 
2tsp Broom (powdered) — to reestablish communication 
2tbsp Juniper (powdered) — to share thoughts 
1tbsp Dragonsblood (powdered) — to bind the spell 

Stones –
Jade – to protect the dead
Bloodstone – for invisibility
Tigereye – for invisibility

Primrose Oil – to reverse the spell when you’re done – perfume grade is fine.

Also: You need a box made of sardonyx, preferably engraved with a quail and a sea tench beneath its fee, to store the ashes and stones in. The box I found, and linked to above, doesn’t have the carving in it but you might get away with just the box, or maybe carving your own image into it, or maybe even just drawing the image onto it with magic marker. 

Take the herbs, dried, in the quantity listed, charge them, and burn all but the cowslip on a charcoal briquette with the stones. Continue charging during the burning process. My recommendation is that you call upon Nephthys and Hades to charge the herbs and stones before you burn them, while you burn them, and then again to charge the ashes. You are asking them to make your spectral light invisible.

After everything has been burned together and the herbs are completely ashes, add the powdered cowslip to the herbal ashes, and store everything in the box. When you need more ash, just repeat the process.

When you need to be invisible, simply put a small quantity of the ash on your forehead and on both palms, drawing the rune Ansuz (which when reversed means to cloak, conceal, protect, and/or shelter, but doesn’t have to be drawn reversed to access these gifts, merely draw it right side up with the intent to access these meanings), pocket the stones, and off you go.

When you wish for the light to be visible again, simply wash the ashes off with primrose oil, anointed in the shape of Kaunaz (enlightenment) on the same places, take the stones out of your pocket and put them back into the box with the rest of the ash, and you’ll be visible again.

Additional information:
Dayvid tweaked the ingredients for the spell slightly, adding the last four herbs, and asked me to tell you how much of each herb is to be used, because the balance of the spell is kinda tricky. When charging the spell, keep that balance in mind – it’s a bit like walking a knife’s edge, because you must remain aware and in control of all the aspects of your power, while still disguising the spectral light.

Nephthys – Egyptian – "Mistress of the Palace"; "Lady of the House"; "the Revealer"; Underworld Goddess who represented life and death. The dark sister of Isis; wife of Set; mother of Anubis. Pictured as fair with green eyes. Identified with the Greek Aphrodite and Nike. Often shown as a woman with long winged arms stretched in protection; carried a basket on her head sometimes. Goddess of death and dark magick; guardian of hidden things; mystical things, protection, invisibility or anonymity, intuition, dreams, peace.

I figure you probably don’t need any information about Hades

I find it very interesting, but not coincidental, that the deities among those who rule invisibility that Marie and Nathaniel most suggested for you to use are both rulers over death. Not surprising, just… neat. lol They also helped choose the herbs and stones that are included from the list of herbs and stones listed as being pertinent, except the four that Dayvid added.

Also, that box I link you to – it’s the recommended container for the spell powder – even though it’s not engraved with a quail or a sea tench. As I mentioned at the beginning of the spell, I think you can just draw the image on the container when you get it. I’m not sure why, but it has to be a sardonyx box. I guess you could just make really minute amounts of the ash, enough for one use, if you can’t get the box just yet. If you’re going that route, I’d powder all the herbs together like you’re making the full recipe, and then just take out and burn what you need.

I’d really like to know how well this works for you, btw. Call me eternally curious. Hope all this helps when you need it…


Dream: Date Unknown

This is another entry that actually occurred a couple of weeks ago. I forgot to write any of it down, so now I’ve only got broad strokes. 

I’m doing courier work during a war. I seem to do a lot of that kind of Job – I’ve lost count of the number of dreams I’ve had, since 9 years ago when I became a Guardian, where I’m carrying messages for some conflict or another. 
The difference being that in this dream, I’m actually choosing a side – for once, I don’t see both sides as being much of a muchness, but instead I see the side I’m working for, the side which is embroiled in a guerrilla-war, as being the right side. I’m carrying messages for them because I believe in their cause. 
I’m going from inn to inn, bringing information to the many people who also believe in the cause. I meet with them in back rooms, keep them up to date on strategies, spread the word to new people – I’m passing on to everyone who is truly on our side all the information needed to keep everyone together on what we’re doing and how to get it done… and I also lead the other couriers – telling them what information to spread and how to get all the jobs done. Like I’m the head courier. 

I’m sure there was more to the dream, but it’s gone now. 

Meditation – 1/12/01

We were at some kind of pub.
I remember sitting at a wooden table, with three other people. Desire was sitting on my left, shifted to look human – sandy brown hair, olive skin, and his eyes were brown unless you really looked, and then they had a red ring around them and if you really paid attention you could see the pupil shifting back and forth from human-norm to cat-like. Most people didn’t notice – it was like they were completely blind. They saw what they wanted to see. It bothered me to see him not looking like himself – I’m used to him shifting, but the urge to see him as himself is overwhelming. I didn’t concentrate too hard, though, because I knew that if I did, I’d break the glamour – the illusion – and scare the humans.
I think I was disguised, as well, as a Messenger. Apparently I can still dress as an angel (the human form) even though I’m not one. Useful to know.
I didn’t recognize the other two people at our table, new crew I think – this is the first time I’ve ever seen them and I don’t know their names yet. My brain has that tip-of-the-tongue feeling about the names, though. I don’t remember what they looked like, other than that they were perfectly ordinary – though they might have been shifted.
I don’t remember our conversation, mostly because I was very distracted, that familiar pulling sensation that tells me I’ve got messages to deliver, Work to do.
The pub was quite crowded with human-looking people, which surprised me a little because I remember thinking the pub was ideal for dwarves – not small, but wooden benches, stone ale-mugs, and someone non-human serving as bartender.
Some of the customers had red markers above their heads, but they didn’t seem to notice. The ones with the markers – I had this overwhelming urge to go to them, speak with them… It was like I could feel their need for me, and knew I could tell them what they needed to hear. It was so strong I couldn’t pay attention to the conversations at our table, and eventually, without even excusing myself, I got up and started drifting around the room, wandering towards each person who had a marker.
When I got to each person, I just… knew what to say, I knew exactly what they were wondering deep inside, what they most needed to hear, and I said it – I gave them the information they needed, and the marker disappeared.
Desire walked behind me, to watch over me and keep me safe.
When I finally finished speaking with the last marked person, the vision faded and I awoke.

The Knights Spread

"The Knights put down their Put down their swords to support the Legacy Project. Put down your own ambitions to pursue your higher purpose. Use this spread to explore what that is. 

Cards 1-3: What is my Higher Purpose? 
Cards 4-6: What do I need to learn? 
Cards 7-9: What do I need to do? 

Arrange the cards from left to right in three rows of three. Cards 1-3 are on the top row, cards 4-6 are in the middle row, and cards 7-9 are on the bottom row. This creates a three-by-three block. 

The Reading I Got: 

1) What is my higher purpose?

Ace of Wands: You are a gift from the universe. Unlike many other gifts, your gift is bestowed by human hands, for you are a facet of the universe that is more sympathetic to the human condition. You are, in some ways, the kindest, most generous gift – you are the beginning of everything – the spark of life. You are the gift of will, of inspiration, of action, of passion, of courage. You are illumination from heaven, and because of you, people start ideas and projects they otherwise would not. You are their connection to higher planes, bringing them a focus of will and the ability to achieve goals. Wow. Just wow. And thanks. 
You are now at a propitious point. You are given a career opportunity, a project. Take advantage of it with confidence and gratitude. I’m already doing that. I guess I should do more of it.. Oh, and… wow. I knew all that but still… seeing it written so baldly kinda makes me blush a little. lol 

2) Tell me more about my higher purpose?

The Tower: Carefully crafted, tall, beautiful, and strong, the Tower represents people’s world-views. They add to it, and alter it, as needed. They expect it to last and serve them well. You are the lightening that hits it, a literal bolt from the blue, and it is destroyed. You are a moment of illumination, creating a realization, an experience, that shakes people’s worlds to their very foundations. They fall, naked, from the structure. They have to rebuild, and they have nothing, or so it seems… But don’t discount what your flash of lightening reveals to them. 
The message of the Tower is a difficult one. Unlike the Wheel, with its philosophical message of centeredness, and Death, with its promise of spiritual enlightenment, the Tower doesn’t seem to offer much except destruction. People’s belief systems help them find calm in the center of the Wheel and gives them courage to face Death. In the Tower, that belief system is shattered. The good news is that it is shattered by a Truth they didn’t recognize before. Knowing the Truth is good; ignorance is not really bliss. 

3) Tell me more about my higher purpose?

4 of Pentacles (reversed): The opposite extreme of Greed is Giving. Be aware of giving away all you have, all you are, so that you are depleted and have nothing left to offer. 
4) What do I need to learn? 
4 of Swords: Remove yourself from all problematic situations, take some time out, meditate, and find your center. By recharging your spiritual strength, you will bring your best efforts to solving your problems. Be aware of ignoring the problem by distracting yourself. This is not a card of escapism, but of utilizing your spiritual foundation for renewal. 

5) What do I need to learn?

7 of Swords: You lack discipline and willpower. You respond to situations in illogical and dangerous fashions. When faced with problems, you have trouble creating effective plans to solve them, but you don’t reconsider your solutions and try to find ones that will yield more satisfactory results. You are too impetuous. Your actions have consequences and you would do well to consider them before acting. 

6) What do I need to learn? 

10 of Swords: You are at the end of a hard situation. It is probably about all you can stand and you may not think you’ll make it. You can. Have faith that the tide is about to turn. Be aware of losing hope. Do not give up. The Wheel is about to begin an upward turn. I think that this card and the one before it are talking about my Job. Guess I need to be more careful, instead of just letting myself HAPPEN to people… and I guess I need to be more optimistic about my last Job and my present one. I admit… I have given up hope. About more than just Work.  

7) What do I need to do? 

Queen of Swords: You have used your mind, truth, and logical thinking to create order in your world. You’ve taken your suffering and joys and married them to a useful philosophy so that you are at ease in the world. You are a good and helpful friend, although some may say you lack emotion. Be aware of depending too much on order. Remember to be flexible when things don’t go your way. Allow others to behave as they believe right. Your ways are not everyone’s ways. Do not divorce yourself from your emotions in an effort to protect yourself. OK, I admit. That’s all true, it’s all stuff I do. I know it’s a problem. I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know how to be open and trusting, flexible and allowing. It’s not that I expect everyone to be just like me, or think like me. I don’t. I know your ways are not my ways. I’m OK with that. But when I see you about to make a mistake, and I tell you the truth, I damned well expect you to listen to me and act on the information. And when you don’t, I get a little pissy. And the rest, that’s all true. And I don’t know how to be anyone else. I don’t know how to not be the me that I am. I don’t know how to be emotional Kat. I don’t know how to be flexible. 

8) What do I need to do? 

Death: Everyone faces death in some guise. Here, we are speaking of a psychological death rather than a physical death. In this card, the skull stares with inexorable resolve. The chilling message is: If you want to move past this point, you have to pass through death. Why would anyone want to; what is the incentive? Death holds the rewards on his banner and shield. The white flower symbolizes a purity of desire, and the white horse a purity of will. Anyone wanting to continue on their spiritual journey needs these. They indicate the death of the ego and with it long-held beliefs that are no longer useful. This must happen to make way for new energy and life. 
The message of Death is that spiritual growth brings pain. It isn’t easy to let go of certain behaviors or beliefs, to admit errors in thought and practice. Without negating the magnitude of ego-death, the emblems of what is to come — greater spiritual strength — remind us that the endeavor is not without its reward. Be aware of the fear of change, of letting go of outmoded ideas. Fear of change leads to stagnation, which might be longer lasting and more painful than a clean death. 

9) What do I need to do? 

The Sun: The message of the Sun is that of peaceful contentment with the world and its workings. You understand what you can and don’t fret about what you don’t. You understand yourself and your role in the universe as much as you can, and you’re OK with that, too. Life doesn’t get much better than this. Be aware that you may not be used to such ease and happiness. Be careful not to fight it. Enjoy it as much as you can. Oh, and don’t try to analyze it too much. But… I already know all this – I AM at peace with myself and the universe! Yeah, I don’t know everything, but I know my place, and that’s all I need… And yeah, I’m lonely and that’s depressing, but knowing myself and knowing my place, I’m happy about all that!

Dream: 12/16/10

I don’t remember how the dream started, but I remember that a lover and I had separated, and he knew magick, and was accidentally sending me negative energy, because he was so angry about the separation. There was so much negative energy that it started attacking people around me and hurting them. It killed a little girl.

I really feel that this relates back to what’s going on right now – I‘ve had two visions so far, yesterday and the day before yesterday, in the morning during my morning devotions, where two angels have tried to hire me, and my Gods and I have turned them down, the first time in a rather violent way… Check the entry entitled Not for Hire, if you haven’t read it yet (except for May who HAS read it). I think that this is referencing that in a very clear way, and suggests that someone close to me is going to end up hurt because I’ve walked away from Working within that framework.

They do love to threaten when sugar won’t work, don’t they. *sigh* I’m not giving up, I’m not going back, no matter what. My Gods have made a decision, and you know what, I’ve made my decision – I agree with my Gods, and I’m sticking to it.

Not For Hire

When I wake in the morning, there are four things I try to do before I get out of bed. If I’ve had a dream, I try to write it down. I am not always successful, and I don’t always remember my dreams, but I try. Then, I say a mantra: "I greet the All within me. I greet the day with joy in my heart, for I have everything I need." Then, I greet my God and Goddess – a moment before their thrones in my hall. Finally, I visualize walking my path. Once, it was a rainbow through emptiness. Then it became a hunting track in a deep forest. Now, it is a path of stars, moving through the endless depths of space, surrounded by more stars. The path moves forward as I walk it, like those single-level escalators at airports. More often than not, even though it carries me forward with or without my own actions, I choose to walk it. 

The room where I meet my Gods is square. In the center of the room is a stone pillar with a stone bowl on it, at waist height. Within the bowl are coals, and on the coals are green branches – bundles of herbs. On the left side of the room is a black throne. On the right side of the room is a white throne. I say throne because they are huge stone affairs – far bigger than a chair made for my own needs – perhaps a little bit larger than a reclining lift chair made for the largest human you can imagine. My God, Hades, when he chooses to appear, sits on the black throne. My Goddess, Themis, sits on the white throne. As long as I have been meeting Them here, I have never seen Her throne empty. There is a door set deep in the wall directly opposite me. I have never crossed the room to open that door and look beyond. I have never seen it open. 

When I greet my deities each morning, I add a bundle of herbs to the stone brazier, and bow to each of them in turn. I open myself up, and listen. Sometimes, what I hear/feel is just a sense of being loved and appreciated. Other times, one of them, usually my Goddess, will have something specific to say. 

Today, I woke extremely early, dreamless, wide awake, still tired. I simply couldn’t get back to sleep, though I tried. Finally, I got moving, and when I greeted my Gods, there was something new. I entered the room where I meet my deities to find a white pile of what looked like feathers and sticks on the floor, between the thrones. I turned questioning eyes towards my God, only to find that Hades’ face was… rotting. I was shocked. Without asking, without thinking, I immediately began sending him healing energy. It was an instinctive response – see someone sickening and send them power to heal with. Surprise still very much my main emotion, I turned to my Goddess to ask what was going on, and that’s when I felt it. 

My Goddess was pissed. No, not with me – she made that quite clear. No, she was angry with my God. I was surprised again… It probably should have occurred to me before, given all the legends, the myths and stories of Grecian Gods and all their petty bickering, but it never once crossed my mind that they might have disagreements, or even fight in front of me. Naturally, I asked why. 

My Goddess directed my eyes to the pile of white sticks, bits of cloth, and feathers in the center of the room. It took me a moment to realize what I was seeing… and then I felt a little sick. It was still moving, still alive. Immortals are like that… you can damage them, a tremendous amount, but they keep on ticking. I look back at my God. "Lord…. what is this?" 

"He came as a messenger. His God seeks to hire your services again. You swore you would never work for Him again, and when We took you on, We vowed the same. I did this to protect you." 

Another blast of rage curled through the air, as Themis spoke. "He could have simply sent the messenger away. This way may mean War." 

I looked at the still-twitching pile of abused angelic flesh, and though I had a moment of fright, wondering if the entity, obviously an angel, was one I knew and loved, I had to agree with Hades. "Lady, this will send the right message. And we are Pagan… according to the majority of Christians, we are already at war. What’s one more to the list? I remember what was done, and were I approached before you, I might have done the same. Who is he?" 

If you don’t remember, a year and a half ago, I discovered I was under contract to heal an oath-breaker’s soul and restore his faith. The contract was for the Judeo-Christian trinity, and they used a middle-man. When the job was nearly completed, and I learned about it, the client’s God broke the contract, and wiped all records of it, so He wouldn’t have to pay me for my efforts, my time. The contract kept me bound to the client, essentially walking through hell with him, for seven years. And then his deity tried to cut and run without paying me. Over an oath breaker. And They used a middleman so They could hide their perfidy, and then They let Their middleman pay the price when They got caught. Needless to say, I was a little pissed. I fried the person who came to tell me they no longer required my services… burned him to a pile of ash, throwing power through him, back to his Maker, in a deliberate form of offensive backlash. I swore I would never work for Him again. No matter what. No carrying messages through astral. No working with people IRL. Nothing. Ever . 

When I contracted to my new Patrons, they agreed. So when He sent an emissary to request my services, Hades, knowing my history, had… a bit of a strong reaction. 

"He won’t give his name. He won’t even say what the Job is. He wanted Us to hire you out to his God, without any information… you would have to go to His throne room, and receive the Job there," My Goddess snapped. "We don’t trust the lack of information, but this was not necessary." 

I looked at Her, and then at my God. The rot was gone. She was calming down. "Do we call his God and send him home? Or do we clean up the mess and let him leave on his own steam?" 

"We call Him. We call Him and let Him see our answer. We show that We are not His, that you are not His, that you are not available for him. Ever," said Hades. 

"Fine," I said. "I’ll call the Son. He won’t be quite so… irked." When They nodded assent, I spoke the Hebrew name three times. 

He came through the door in the wall, and when He saw the angel on the floor, went straight to it, and drew it into His lap. "Why have you done this?" He asked. 

"Your Father tried to hire me again. My Lord took offence. I called you to come take the message back to Him." 

"This was not necessary," He said, looking at my Gods. 

Themis looked at Him and said, "Hades believed it was. I’m beginning to agree. But you have seen the message. Should you request it, We shall heal what has been done, and You may take Your servant home, whole and hale. But mark Me now… You will tell Your Father of this incident. You will tell Him of Our answer, of Our price, and of Our Mercy. And You will tell Him ‘Stay away from this, My Daughter. By Our vow, she will never work for You again.’" She gestured towards the angel, and then me, as She spoke. 

He met Her gaze, and then looked at his messenger, broken, bent, twisted, in His lap. He looked at Hades. And then He nodded assent. 

I walked into the center of the room. I took the hands of my God and Goddess. I raised the power, braided with Their own, and poured it down upon the servant, healed the damage, returned it to wholeness. And when Y took His servant home, the vision released me. 


We all have our own ways of getting around Astral – as many denizens as there are, are there methods to travel. I have a sister who passes through Void to get where she’s going. If you were able to pass through the space OUTSIDE space, the space that particles from atoms blink to when they’re not here, that would be how she moves.

If you’ve ever seen Mary Poppins, and remember the scene where they traveled through a chalk picture on the pavement, if you remember the end sequence, when the rain hit the drawings and everything melted into colorful streaks, that would be what traveling with me looks like. Like everything melted… because I travel through time and space at the same time, you see streaks of light that are either paused, or hurried up.

I call it "fetching" because that’s what I do… I drop into this place where there is no time, but all time is before me, I choose the moment and the place, I and reinsert myself there, almost in a pulling motion – I pull time and space to me, and pull myself to the moment I want.

It’s being in all places at once, in all times at once, and then deliberately choosing to remove my consciousness from one moment and place it in another. Of course, I stay connected to it all, and can even have a broad awareness if needed, but mostly I’m just focusing on the time I want in front of me, the place I want to experience. 

Do you travel the Astral, in dreams, mediations, or another way? How do you travel?

The Red Dragon Tarot Spread

The Red Dragon Spread comes from the Llewellyn Tarot Deck as an extra card. I used the Divine Tarot deck for this reading.

1) The Dream: Your heart’s desire.

The Emperor: The Emperor sets things in order, supervises, and counsels. He is a born leader – authoritative, responsible, and wise. His gifts are confidence, command, presence, authority. I think this means that my heart’s desire is to be a strong leader for my community – I would like more participation by pagans in my area in the meet-up group than I have right now. Everyone knows about it, but only a very small few ever actually show up.

2) Your Companions: The assistance you will receive.

Queen of Swords: The Queen of Swords is the most like Justice, though she advises in the favor of intent rather than the letter of the law. Acutely perceptive, she sees right through you. She nurtures mental development, independence, and discrimination with cool precision. The gifts of this card are determination, perspective, and fairness. Honestly, I’m not completely sure what this card means. My Goddess was called Justicia in Rome, and Themis in Greece, so it may be a reference to receiving aid from my Goddess, and my spiritual crew. It also suggests that my ability to perceive more than most, possibly because of my gifts, will also help me.

3) The Journey: Unfamiliar places you must go to realize the dream.

9 of Coins: Retreat from the “real world” to a private world of pleasure, an environment that is harmonious and comfortable, and it allows focus on intellectual and spiritual pursuits. Beautify your surroundings. As already planned, I am withdrawing from several responsibilities to take the time to focus on myself. The meet-up group can survive for a month without me, the neighbors will understand my need to retreat. Other issues can also be resolved in a similar fashion – and it’ll be easy to cut out the distractions. I’m good at getting rid of things.

4) Magical Gifts: New skills required for success.

5 of Coins (reversed): Retrenchment and a period of simplicity. Ask for help when you need it. I don’t have anything to add to that.

5) The Enchantment: Hidden obstacles along the path.

The Lovers: The Lovers represent relationships, intimate communication, and choice. Love can change your decisions and motivations significantly. The choice can sometimes be between vice and virtue. My hidden obstacle is my need to be loved.

6) The Dragon: What you must befriend, sacrifice, or defeat.

7 of Cups: Illusionary success. I think this one is obvious. Change takes work, and I need to be careful that I’m not only doing the work, but I’m not fooling myself about the results.

7) The Awakening: The final outcome of your efforts.

Queen of Cups: Empathy, connection, and self-completion. In other words, I’ll be more psychic than I am now, more connected to everything, and I’ll be whole within myself.

The Kings Spread

The King’s Spread, from the book Gateway to the Divine Tarot by Ciro Marchetti, can be found on pages 287 & 288.

I used the deck Legacy of the Divine Tarot, which goes with the book.

The explanation of the spread says: “As the Emperor, you rule over all the kings of the Tarot and have their support and resources at your service. You can turn to a king when you need assistance. This spread has a couple of stopping points at the beginning. If you get a “no” answer in either of the first two cards, you don’t need to continue with the spread.”

Here’s the background on this reading. My guides started playing music in my head again – and I‘ve finally learned enough about this new gift that I thought I‘d lay out some cards instead of hoping to hear something other than music – and I honestly figured I’d kill two birds with one stone, and post this reading for my meet-up group, given that the next time we meet we’re discussing tarot spreads. I DID ask my guides which deck and what layout, and this is what they chose – which works for me because it’s one of the ones I still needed a sample spread for, though as will all my spreads, it’s not a sample. They tell me I can’t do junk spreads, that my gift is too strong for that to happen, and I haven’t managed to do one yet, so they must be right.

I found this spread to be very interesting and I suspect it will become very useful in time… we’ve all had clients who come to us asking us to be Mom and tell them what to do about any number of situations. This is along the lines of a decision tree… the only problem I have with it is that it’s predicated on the idea that Tarot should tell you what you should decide. I prefer a reading that gives a “This is what will happen if you do A, this is what will happen if you do B” kind of answer. Still, if you’re in a hurry, or you have clients who really do expect you to tell them what to think, this spread will be the one you’ll use the most.

You’ll note that I haven’t posted an image of the reading itself, but only the base layout. The images in these readings are provided, very kindly, by my friend and co-organizer of the meet-up group I’m doing all these readings for, Zephyrseraphim (Thank you, so very much!), when she can get to it – and when she does, I promise full-color glossies to delight your eyes. Till then, at least with this, you’ll at least have an idea of the layout.

1) Is this a good idea?

The Emperor – The Emperor is masculine ruling power. The word emperor comes from the Latin imperator, one holding supreme power. The Emperor sets things in order, supervises, and counsels. He is a born leader – authoritative, responsible, and wise. His gifts are confidence, command, presence, and authority. The advice of this card is “Lead with confidence.” In other words, yes, this is a good idea, and will not only give you much needed structure in your life, but give you the necessary skills that will enable you to do the work you most wish to do within your own community.

2) Will it happen on its own without assistance?

King of Coins – The king resolutely oversees resources, growth, and wealth. His realm is luxurious and lush. He is responsible for every physical manifestation. His gifts are loyalty, success, sufficient resources. The advice of this card is “Delayed gratification pays off.” The quote is “Slow and steady wins the race,” from Aesop’s fable “The Hare and the Tortoise. So, yes, it will happen on its own without assistance, but at a much slower rate than you desire.

3) Obstacles.

Justice – Justice represents fairness and equilibrium, and it brings the ability to evaluate the true pros and cons of a situation. Justice can indicate legal matters. You may need to resist the impulse to enforce your personal style of justice. Justice requires a very cool, impartial approach to a situation. If you cannot do it yourself, someone may be available who can mediate for you. Her gifts are clarity and evenhandedness. The advice of this card is “Look for ways to bring your life into balance.” I would take this to mean that my biggest obstacle is my illness – the process of the descent, by its very nature, requires a destabilization, as you clear out old belief structures and modes of being. I not only don’t know how to lose control, but, having found stability on all levels finally, I am extremely reluctant to give it up, no matter what I might gain. I fear the person I was, without medication, without treatment, without control, without sanity, more than I fear any other thing in the world.

4) Help (I can turn to).

6 of Swords (reversed) – No immediate solution, refusing help. The quote for this card is “We don’t receive wisdom; we must discover it for ourselves after a journey that no one can take for us or spare us” (Marcel Proust). Basically, no, there’s no help, because I usually refuse to accept any help, or even ask for it.

5) What can be done (first thing)?

Knight of Coins – The Knight of Coins sets aside his ambition for physical glory and personal gain. He offers to the Legacy Project his stamina, endurance, and physicality. Once committed, the Knight of Coins is in it for the long haul and is able to follow through with his promises. His gifts are endurance and follow-through. The advice of this card is “Don’t hold back – be completely engaged.” Pretty self-explanatory, that one.

6) What can be done (second thing)?

7 of Coins – It is time to reassess and reevaluate your progress. You may feel that progress has been slow and the full potential hasn’t yet been realized. The rewards have been honestly earned, even if they don’t live up to expectations. This may be just the first reward in a much longer-term project. Her gifts are a strong work ethic, and harvest. The advice of this card is “Evaluate if the work is worth the reward.” That, and stick at it.

7) What can be done (third thing)?

4 of Coins (reversed) – Suspicious, fear of opening up. Be careful of being too controlling and protective of your resources; generosity begets generosity. Assume that the universe will provide. Take a leap of faith and trust, even if it’s scary.

8) Outcome.

The Moon – Under the light of the rising moon, the mythical becomes real and the real becomes impossibly beautiful. Reflected in the primal waters, she is witness to your personal evolution and transformation. Intuition, imagination, and creativity, as well as enchantment and magic are ruled by this card. The quote for this card is “Everything flows and nothing abides; everything gives way and nothing stays fixed” – Heraclitus. Again, fairly obvious – “personal evolution and transformation.”